WOW....quite a surprize today.....................

and what a GREAT surprize that it was! I had therapy today as normal with Nan at 1:00 p.m. It was a difficult time in therapy due to things that I needed to talk about yet were hard.....so I hear Nan saying oh my get in here and looked up and it was Will peeking in the window! YIPPIE! I am sure that the new people reading my blog do not know who Will is.........Will is the therapist who I saw before I saw Nan....he is a person who has changed my life. He got married in May and moved to California with Alex. Alex is an actress so now they live in LA. He came into Nan's office so I got to talk to him for a few minutes which was fantastic. I hope to write a book about myself and dealing with my history and my mental illnesses and binge eating and such and Will is going to help me edit it but due to ethics we have to wait until two years go past to really communicate much. I can email him but due to ethics but he cannot email me back for two years after he was my therapist...so guess actually it is a year and a half more. I also got to meet Alex and that was good too. I am sooooooooooooooooo glad that I got to see him. He is adjusting to LA lots more cars and lots more people and adjusting to a new job and such. He plays a variety of instruments and one of them is the acordian and he plays on street corners he said and can make in tips like $25.00 an hour it figures out to be. He still like me enjoys watching people which I could be at a mall or place to eat or even a Starbucks and like to people watch So seeing Will was for sure not just a little joy but even bigger than a big joy I would say it is a hg for huge joy!

Tonight I am going to stay home. I get worried to almots a phobic with being out when it is New Years Eve. I do not worry so much if I am riding in Mainstream or a friend but worry about the other drivers on the road many who are drunk or high. I know that when God says it is time for me to die that it will not matter if I am home or out BUT I think that so many people take risks and be involved with things that he or she should not be doing. I hope that it makes sense the way I wrote it. So...............tonight my plan it to be on the computer some....hanging out with Gracie... reading some most likely in the Celtic Daily Prayer that a friend of mine lent me...ordering pizza from Pizza Pan one of the best places for pizza that I ever had.......might try to call some friends to say Happy New Year....perhaps watch some t..v. work on some goals and who knows perhaps I will sleep in 2008 which has happened before. OH I will call my Mom a few times because she is sick with the flu.

lj's for today.......having a gift certificate for the pizza place...having a few good books to read...my computer and blogger buddies...not missing drinking or drugging which is more of a bj than lf....gracie....even when she is more needy aka (getting really frustrated by my neighbors who go outside to make long distance well from one couintry to another and talk loud. i assume that it is better reception if they go outside)....having been invited to a few places tonight even though i did not want to go it is still nice to be invited.....having two nice mainstream drivers today.......being inside and not downtown in the massive amounts of people who go downtown to celebrate first night which is the celebration of new years eve....finding out about a place a beauty school where one can get a pedicure and manicure for like seven dollars for each of thoe AND the plan to go there soon.....knowing that one of my blogger buddies andrew has been having a good day...........and lj;s for other blogger buddies....

i hope that everyone has a safe and happy holiday when he or she is celebraing tonight.

Sunday....

mornings i really treasure at times ....being close to God through worship and listening to a teachings....helping out the children at the sign in tabel and really enjoy being able to hang out with people between services when there is coffee and muffins so most people stay after the 9:15 service or come early to the 11:00 time. speaking of church someone needed someone to make muffins since they will be out of town next week. poeple take turns bringing things and with the many people there are lots of miffins to make. i am going to see if i can make them at mom's or perhaps depending how much it costs to buy some.

yesterday evening was rough and then got better. i was really happy when i did not binge! i sure was tempted knowing that there was chocolate and ice cream in the freezer. i did eat some chips and overate but not a binge. i got a realization last evening part of what was going on with me being sad and such. i did sleep on and off because i often do that when i have to get up early. i know lots of people get up around seven in the a.m. but that is still really really early for me. i am looking foward to after i get back from going go out to eat and run errands that i want to put some of the things that i got for christmas such as a new cofee pot...the blender that i bought myself a few months ago and tha george foreman grill that nan did not need any longer so gave it to me.

o.k. so some lj's so for today....talking with some people at church....have a new shirt that mom got me on today.... having the kids get to know me and talk to me now it is so cute when the wee ones are exited to tell me something...getting to hold a baby about 2 months old for a few minutes because she needed to eat so she was wanting her mom....knowing thati am welcomed and acccepted for who i am at church that is actually a big joy....gracie....having gift cards which i will probably use one today. i am sure mixed on what i want to get with a borders gift card and part of me wants to save it to get coffee when i go over like once a week or buy a cd or two that i have been wanting. so what some lj's that anyone who is reading has?

Sad day...................................

i find myself sad to day......sad for me......sad for my friend andrew....sad for one of my nephews....sad about things going on in the world.......i did sleep LOTS last night i think like 14 hours! i tend to do that when my pain is high and also when i do not get enough good sleep amd when i have lots going on emotional. i am going to try to clean some.

Rainy Evening

well it is a rainy evening and i am so glad to be home! today was a MUCH better than yesterday. i went to bed early last night and it was one of those fall asleep on the couch and then move to the bed hours later. i woke up really early but it was alright...gracie did really good with being up that early and not barking or whining to go outside. i decided to do with her like i used to do when i was a daycare teacher or nanny and kept most of the place dark just turning on the lights to go where i needed so i needed the lights so that i did not fall and she for the most part stayed asleep
today i had lunch with my oldest nephew..we had a great time and talked lots and laughed lots. it was nice i know for him to get out some without the kids and all. we went and ate indian food which we both really like but nobody else in the family like it so we decided we will try to meet like at least every other month for indian or other type of food that we like or are adventueous to have. he lives abiout an hour west of me so with gas prices and he working second shift whiich is actually like 7:00 p.m. till 3:00 am we do not get together much plus with he having a house full.....3 kids under 10 , 1 teenager, 1 young adult and his mother in law so full full house. i miss not seeing him more and it is one of the few times that i would like to be able to drive. i decided to that i am going to sign papers so he can make medical decisions for me if i am unable to do so.
i had an appointment at cova and that was alright....no job leads to follow but i keep looking. i did have a good time talking with cory my career develper/ job coach. mom picked me up and we went to walgreens. i had a HUGE blessing in that with the plan for medicare that i am on once you have spent and they have spent a certain amount than your mdications for free! the pharmecy also let me get my refills early for januray since i would get them fior free and then in january it will start agin with my paying part and such
i am planning on staying inside and not getting out till sunday to go to church. i often do not do well if i do not get out but with being so busy this week i am looking foward to it...clean some....do puzzles..laundry..play with gracie....i call it nesting when i stay at home for a few days at a time.
so lj's for today....my friend andrew feeling better....going to walgreens and stocking up on things...mom gave me some leftovers from her dinner party last night so it will be quite yummy and so sweet of her...talking with jerah...indian food...laughing with cory and amy at cova....liking what is on t.v.....hanging out with gracie more and looking foward to being at home lots for her...getting inside before the downpour of rain......being really o.k and looking foward to staying in for a day or so until sunday...a big joy from yesterday is that when we were all freaking out that i called and got the angency to call nan at home and we talked some and it helped calm us down.... also my therapist nan was getting a bigger george foreman grill and so she gave me hers!!! i have not tried it yet because i needed to wait until i got some stuff to cook on itl...since my stoeve and oven are not working i am used to just microwaving things and such so that is also a big joy.....having email and blogger buddies....hoping one of my other nephews will come on sunday and go out to eat with mom and i.....having books i have not read....when no matter if i have been away awhile or jut to get the mail gracie is just delighted when i come back into our place.....doing alright today even though due to my weird sleeping last night i did not take my nightime medications and i did take the morning ones so to me those are the most needed except the serequil because most times unless i had to take pain medications i do not fall asleep without it....oh and a surprize from paul (my stepdad who died two years ago) was at moms place yesterday and left me a present which was some towels for the kitchen and like a overn glove and then some lotion. so tongiht it is so good to be feeling calm again which is for sure a big joy..................

rough day...............

and worse evening....not much to say so will just say that i am keeping myself safe tonight...had to have the center where i go call nan to talk because i got so upset...that helped some. i think that i will again head to bed early. tomorrow will be another day and hopefully better for not only myself but for my blogger buddy andrew as well.

Holiday Celebrations

I was really surprized this year because in the group situation I did fine and no panic attacks or no "time outs" (when I allow myself to take a break alone) when I was at my sister's home with 20 of us there It being celebration of Jesus it is not about the presents yet it was such a delight to watch the kids and teens open their gifts...Katie who is two was so thrilled with Dora the Eplorer items....between gifts from grandparents and great grandma and me she got a dvd a bacpack that had Dora the explorer talking and a book about Dora

My brother in law cooked the dinner on Christmas Eve and did a great job! It was the first year in 35 years that mom did not host it...she was kind of sad but enjoyed herself. She did make the desserts which were awesome! She has always been a greeat cook and the bringint the deserts made her feel better..she made 3 pies..one regular pecan pie...one with cream cheese and it was also a pecan pie...a cream pie...date nut pudding made without nuts since a few people have allergies..oreo balls...oh and a chocolate cake that the recipe is from the depression and does not have eggs or milk or real butter. Mom was reminded us that durig the depression one had to ration those items.

I was blown away and feel very blessed and spoiled. I got gift cards to places like for Borders bookstore...Target....Walgreens....and to a resturant. I had asked for gift cards so it will be fun to go shopping. I am trying to tell muself to buy something out of those gift cards that will be for fun and not tjhings that are the day to day things. Mom and I celebrated on Christmas day for her and I the gifts that we got for each other....I got many things for her at Dollar Tree but she really was thrilled to get a new puzzle book and slipper socks and a new date book etc....and one of the main thing that she wanted for Christmas is good fancy coffee...so I got her a pound of coffee from Borders which is called seattle best. Mom also got coffee on Christms Eve and some gift cards. I was blown away with her as her usual getting me lots of gifts. She always says it is because I am single and the rest of the family has family....so again I was blessed and felt spoiled. She got me some gift cards and took the time to go to a favorite pizza place that I like and it is not a chain so they made out two pieces of paper that are gift cards. One thing that I really was needing was a new coffee pot so that was good and kind of funny she got me a pound of the same kind that I have gotten for her. We opened on Christmas afternoon and then with a family friend went out to eat

It was great to see my nephews and familys....oldest nephew J was good and it was nice that his wife C did not have to work and all of the kids were there...next oldest J was there with the four kids and it was bittersweet knowing that T wants a divorce and the kids are hers not theres but the kids and he consider him dad...so hoping that we can see still see them from time to time. B and MB were there an they are doing well and stay really busy with the recording studio and that is B's main source of income also he teaches guitar at the college he went thru...MB teaches music in grade school and does piano lessons and sells I think it is called Aveda a really expensive make up and lotions and such. B and C were there still seeming like newlyweds. They are doing well. We were all wondering how C would do since she is an only child and not used to 20 some people also she had not been introduced to the people who did not get to go to the wedding. She said she was really exited and having a good time.

Mom and I left early enough to go to the service at her church. We were late to that as we were late to my sister's. She is having more trouble with driving and it seemed like with directions also...so I would say we need to go this way and she would go the other way and then say oh you right. The drive should have taken 45 minutes to one hour and it took us almost two hours. I prayed for patience and for protection.I was glad that we got to church to hear part of the message.

I am feeling so great about the holidays and how well I got thru them usually I get anxiety and panic attacks and such but did not have that this year I decided to be me which means yes I wore clean clothes but wore what was comfy for me...and so did all of the adults except mom amd MB did the same. Only one time did I find myself a bit anxious but was able to think of some blogger buddies and other people in aa and na and got thru it.......i will make a new post just about that sometime soon. Let me say though thatI did NOT end up using or drinking.

lj's for today....the temperature is about 40...of course gracie.....happy there is a computer lab so i do not have to just sit and wait for the time mainstream will be picking me up...finding out that bvr is going to give me money to buy some clothes and shoes for work. The clothing I have has holes in them and the best pair of pants i have right now are a pair of jeans........lean cuisenthat has some really good dinners that are oriental.....called and left a message for my friend michelle so see if she wants to get together soon.....having some money so that i can get together with her.....tomorrow i have therapy and this week i will only see her once with the holiday but next week i can go back to seeing her twice a week....sleeping good last night i did wake up at 3:15 a.m. and then went right back to sleep. i wonder what in the past that happened around that time because I am thinking that something must happened at that time in the past because nothing happened recently....blogger buddies...

It as wonderful to celebrate the birth Jesus and not have panic attacks and know that it was me that changed because the family has not

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I HOPE THAT HOWEVER ONE DECIDED TO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS THAT YOU ARE FINDING PEACE AND SWEET TIMES EITHER ALONG OR WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDSL I HAVE LOTS TO SHARE ABOUT YESTERDAY BUT DECIDED TO WAIT TILL TONGHT WHEN MY CELEBRATING WILL BE DONE.

merry christmas eve

I hope that everyone who is celebrating today has a blessed day full of joy and peace and for those of is deal with panic attacks that we do not have them or limited minor ones. i had a minor but still a "discussion" with mom over what i was going to wear...she had bought me two shirts but i think that they are in her car because i cannot find them in my bags friom yesterday and she wanted me to wear one of those but even if they had been here in my place i want to wear something comfy if i can...so threw on a turtle neck under a kind of sweater/sweatshirt wore blue socks and not my regular white ones..trying to decide if i am going to wear make up which the only who cares is mom not my s or bil or nephews and their families.i did take half of a dose of haladol hoping that i will be calmer and no hallucinations.
tomorrow should be calmer going over to moms to exchange presents most of mine from dollar tree and then going out to eat chinese food with a friend of the family. most likely more details later on tonight about the family get together,.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL...I HOPE THE HOLIDAYS WILL BE BLESSED FOR YOU ALL WITH JOY AND PEACE AND A BELIEF OF GODS DEEP DEEP LOVE FOR US HUMANS. IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD I STILL COUNT THOSE PEOPLE AS GOOD FRIENDS AND JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOES NOT BELEIVE IN GOD THAT DOES NOT MAKE MY RELATIONSHIP ANY DIFFERENT THEN THOSE PEOPLE WHO DO BELIVE IN GOD. I WILL PRAY FOR JOY AND PEACE. I WILL PRAY FOR US ALL THAT WE HAVE GOOD EXPERIENCED WHERE EVER ONE DECIDS TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS. I ALSO DESIRE THAT THE BLOGGER BUDDIES I HAVE GOTTEN SOMEM GOOD FRIENDS AND CARE FOR AND ALSO MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT THAT YOU ARE TO ME

I OFTEN FINE MYSELF THINKING OF THE STORY ABOUT RUDOLPH AND HOW SOMEONE ENDED UP IN THE LAND OF MISFIT TOYA. I REMEMBER A WOMAN WHO I USED TO HANG AROUND SHE SAID THAT SHE FELT LIKE FOR HERSELF AND OTHERS WHO STRUGGLE WITH DISABILITES AND MENTAL ILLNESSES THINK OF HIM OR THINK OF OURSELVES IN LIFE MISFIT TOYS BUT WE ALL AGAIN I WILL SAY WE ALL HAVE WORTH EVERYONE ALL HUMANS!!!! I KNOW IT IF OFTEN SOME OF THE PEOPLE WHO CONSDIER THEMSELVES AS MISFITS ARE TO ME ARE OF VERY HIGH VALUE IN MY LIFE. I AM ALSO BLESSED HOW THROUGH BLOG BUDDIES OR AA OR NA OR HOWEVER YOU HAVE MADE FIRENDS YOU ARE A TREASURE TO ME AND OTHERS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!! I HOPE THAT HOW EVER YOU CELEBRATE THAT IT IS A WONDERFUL TIMES FOR EACH ONE OF YOU. I HOPE THAT EVERYONE TAKES GREAT CARE OF THEMSELVES IF THAT MEANS TAKING A BREAK FROM A GATHEREING WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS....OR GETTING SOMEWHERE LATE OR LEAVING EARLY I ALSO WANT TO SAY THAT IF ONE NEEDS TO EMOTIONALLY VOMIT VIA EMAIL OR BLOGS PLEAE KNOW I WOULD BE HIONORD IF YOU CHOOSE TO PICK ME TO LISTEN TO YOU OR IN THIS CASE READ,,,,: 0 )

I HOPE EVERYONE WILL HAVE A BLESSED NEW YEAR,,,,,,,,,,MORE THOUGHTS ON THAT ANOTHER TIME SOON. I WILL END UP WITH WHAT I THINK IS A CUTE THING THAT GRACIE IS DOING LATELY. SHE HAS A BED IN MY BEDROOM SHE USED TO WAIT UNTIL I WENT TO THE BEDROOM TO WATCH T.V. OR GET READY TO SELEEP AND SHE WOULD FOLLOW ME IN.........WELL NOW IF SHE IS TIRED SHE GOES INTO MY ROOM AND SETTLES DOWN FOR THE NIGHT BUT SHE WILL KIND OF LIKE HAVE A QUIET LITTLE BARK AND KIND OF A WHINING AT TIMES AND IT IS KIND OF LIKE A LITTLE KID WATING FOR A PARENT TO COME INTO THEIR ROOM. IT IS VERY SWEET AND WHEN I AM STILL SAY ON THE COMPUTER AND I WILL TELL HER NO BARKING AND I WILL BE IN IN A FEW MINUTES SHE WILL STOP BUT THEN EVERY FEW MINUTES WILL BARK HER LITTLE BARK BUT LIKE KIDS OFTEN DO MOST OF THE TIME SHE WILL BE ASLEEP BY THE TIME I GO IN THERE....GOOD AND BAD DAYS HAPPY AND CRAPPY DAYS...I AM SO SO HAPPY THAT SHE IS IN MY LIFE!

Downers amd Uppers.................

funny when i first read that after typing it i was thinking if anyone would think that i meant pills and if i had a relapse. NO not talking about pills and NO relapse. i was refering actually to today was full of some down times in the early part of today and then this afternoon it got better....the bad downer of the a.m. was awaking to mainstream be here to pick me up and i was still asleep! so gracie was going on and on barking with mainstream being here and my not going out to get my ride so i am sure that she woke up my the place above me and the one right beside me. i had to go tell the mainstream driver i had to cancel. so....................i did not make it to church at all today. it - it being the christmas service is very sweet and encouraging with just having carols and reading of scripture. i was supposed to go early so to help bethany get ready with the baked goods and i missed that. i really feel like a piece of crap for not being there for her. i have learned my lesson with sleeping over the couple times i had to get ready early that i cannot take all of my pills at night if the day is going to be a early start to the day. i did get back to sleep both gracie and i and we slept till early afternoon!

yesterday i got an unexpected check in the mail. i had know that it was coming but kind of forget about it and it was such such good timing for it to come. i really want to make sure that i spread it out and not to impulse buy or spend it on delivery foods. mom and i got together and had a good time. it sure got cold this afternoon went from the 40's and now it is 31 degrees. we went to get my haircut and it feels so so so much better. i am not sure why but she only charged me $!2.00 instead of the typical $15.00 so i was planning on spending $15.oo so i gave her a $3.00 tip and she was really blessed and of course not expecting that big of a tip. i go to first clips to get it done. we then went to the grocery store and to walgreens and now am back home i had lots of stuff in mom's trunk since some days recently when i shopped their was snow and or ice so we today got all of my stuff out of there which is goo0d in a few ways i did not want things to freeze and mom needs her trunk to carry food in the trunk for tomorrow plus need room to put the presents that we are taking and then gifts for when we return from springfield. so that was another good thing or upper as i put it before. i got almost every thing inside and will just need to make one more trip to the patio but it is laundry detergent so it is alright outside till later on tonight. so those things such as the check and such is a big joys...so is getting all of my stuff inside...some lj's are getting my hair cut...getting treats for gracie...looking foward to seeing my family....all the nephews and families....mom bought me two new shirts on sale today which is fun and most likey i wil wear one tomorrow. mom knows how i can have a mini freaout about what i wear since some of the family dress right in style and some are like me comfort rules...i have not tried them on yet but the colors are very pretty one is like salmom colored and the other kind of like baby blue and would look to dress them up or down but for it will be jeans comfy shoes and maybe a new shirt or maybe a sweatshirt.........

another bj for me is remembering as the slogan goes "the reason for the season" and the humble space whre Jesus was born....and how He came to earth so all of us humans can believe in Him and have eternal life.i am hoping that mom and i get back into town early enough to go to her church christmas eve service.

the family is chainging this year how we celebrate on christmas eve. my mom since my sister and brother in law were family my mom has hosted christmas eve at her home...that will be 35 years. when j and m got married mom did not want for them to feel hassled amd rushed going back and forth from his family and outs so mom said we could celebrate on christmas even and it has been great. i have lots of great memories of those gatherings. mom now lives in a one bedroom place so it is too small to have everyboday so my sister and bjil are hosting. it makes sense in many ways with mom being older...if they all came to where we live there would be like 4 cars or so driving an hour and so it is easier for mom and i to go to their town where my sister and j live..........twio nephews and family live about a half hour from them and one other and family live in west palm beach amd the other lives in st louis and all of them get to be there. ohe of my nephew and his wife wants a divorce so she will not be there but last time i heard she was letting the kids come. mom started crying in the car when she was talking about someone else hosting it this yar but she knows it is time and at her age too is is good year to switch. mom loves to cook so she is taking all of the deserts....and it is going to be a buffet of just dessets......chocolate cake that my neice i allergic to lots can have it....oreo balls...date nut pudding one with nuts and one without...oreo balls..and i am taking the pound cake cookies for my sister to enjoy this week with her coffee since they are kind of turned out like biscotte.
i enjoy getting together yet i still almost every year have at least one minor freak out not just with family but in stores and strangers and such. i typically take a book or a puzzle book to read if i need to escape some which my family is used to me giving myself a mental health time out. i am hoping that i do not get really in a freak out mode but am wondering if i will tonight...i am a bit freaked out a bit about concerned about not sleeping or sleeping and waking up late or get concerned and check over and over that i put some motrin and pain pills in my purse. i hope that if i have a minor freak out i can keep it either to myself or tell mom or my sister. my sister and bil have a great place loft apartment huge two bedroom place and it is great but there two or three flights of steps to get to their place...i just do better if i do it myself and just take my time. and not have someone right there with me and their is a banister on both sides so that will help. i am sure that i will have lots to share tomorrow evening and/or christmas day. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE. I HOPE THAT THE HOLIDAYS WILL BE BLESSES WITH GOOD TIMES WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND PEACE AND JOY and some internal peace for those of us who struggle with vairous mental illnesses.

saturday afternoon

it is hard for me to believe that christmas is next tuesday! i have all of my gifts wrapped and all of my shopping done so now just need to relax i guess. tomorrow i will be helping out at church to get goodies ready for some to go to bryden place the rehab place that central vineyard is really involved with and getting some ready for the services at church. i really like that on the sunday before christmas central vineyard has a service of singing carols and reading scriptures. i think on a typical christmas service there are like 9 carols sung and about the same number of scriptures.

those of you who really know me know that i believe in the power of prayer! i think that our little items in our lives that are big to us even if they are in the scheme of life huge requests that God still cares lots for those who believe and those who don't saying all this to share that last night my internet service would not work and i was so tired i thought i will deal with this on saturday...well saturday is here and i prayed to ask God to please fix my internet...and for me to be more sharing about Jesus when I am blogging or emailing people etc.......and as you can see since i am on my blog that my internet works fine today. thank you God!!!!!!! well i am going to go play with gracie

i slept!!!!

i am so so so happy this morning because i slept....and when i woke up like i have been around 3:00 a.m. i went right back to sleep quickly. today i have an appointment with dr. blackburn who is my family doctor. i see her for the pain medication rx and other things.i am not happy about this but i am going to ask her for an rx for walker that is more durable and has a basket on it. i think it is time when i am having a rough day with pain for when i go outside my home. i have one that was paul's but it is not as sturdy as i would like and it does not have a basket which i really need to carry things.

mom is making desserts for our family gathering on christmas eve. eveything she is making sounds so so good. i think it will be one of thsoe times when i will just have like a bite or two to try everything....she is making date nut pudding....pecan pies...aunt lizzies sugar pie which is very similar to pecan pie just no nuts....non dairy chocolate cake due to my young greaet neice who is 2 and my sister are allergic to lots of things...and oreo balls.........dark chocolate and white chocolate and mom is worried that will not be enough! i told her that with the variety most people will want to try all of them and most likely just a bite or two.....

i am feeling so much better now that i slept! i know that i got good nights sleep when i woke up and in my living room light was on and so was the radio. tonight mom and i are getting together so that i can write up the tags for the gifts and run some errands and then am frosting graham crackers for sunday. i think that at our holiday celebration at church kids will enjoy the simple cookie that is just graham crackers iced.

lj's for the past couple of days....giving the center where i go for counseling and psychiatric doctor being able to give them some treats....having a good nights sleep...mom going to pay for me to get a haircut...gracie being in the mood to play more lately and is doing better at not barking much when outside....talking with my frieind michelle last evening...having good experiences with both of my doctors and liking them both and they are both very wise....email and my computer......mom paying for my cable bill.......blogger buddies and happy that things seem to going on with andrew and others.......gum it helps my stomach lots.....

oh a bj (big joy) is my counsleor nan was going through her things at home and getting rid of some things....well some of you know that i have not had an oven or stove for about a year now. i do have a microwave that works well. i will most likely get one in the 2008................so nan was getting rid of things and knew that i was tiring of microwave meals so she gave me the small size george foreman grill!!! i am so exited! i was blown away with her generousity! when i go to the grocery store tonight i am going to get ground beef to make a hambuer and some chicke or veggie burgers...also to me a bj is getting to see all of my nephews and their families on christmas eve.....oh also i heard from my cousin who we were really close to each other when we were little and then as adults in our 20's we were close and then life got busy and i think we had a disagreement years and years ago like in our 20's and kind of stopped communicating so we are staring to email some which i am so so happy about. it is interesting how as one gets older things like family get more important. i also get sad that there years that brad and i were not communicating....in his immediate family he was my favorite cousin.

hope that all who read this are having a good week full of peace and joy in this what can be hectic time of year. remember the reason for the season. o.k. kind of a funny story....years ago mom and my friend david and i were driving someplace i think to volunteer on christmas day well we passed an adult bookstore and mom said i cannot believe that they were open and david said "right i am sure that the people who work there and their customers really belive in God as their savior and lord...david has such a great and dry sense of humor.

Thursday Morning

I have so much that I wanted to share todady.......perhaps I will later on. I did not sleep well at all......pain level is like a 7 on a scale of 1 -10 in my legs and ankles and such. i have cramps also so that does not help. I see Nan this afternoon. I want to take a nap but only have like an hour and a half till my ride comes and if I did happen to fall asleep then most likely I would miss my ride. Here is a question for the people who read this blog...what is one of your traditions around this time of year or what special memory do you have?

Tired and Hurting but in a good space...........

Today was a very very busy day.............but a good day. Pat ran me on some errands and then this afternoon and evening Mom and I made some goodies and had a really great time doing it. I did not take any pain pills or motrin with me so my pain level is really intense. I am heading to bed soon very tired since again I woke up 3:00 a.m. and did not get any sleep after that so a long day for sure................lj's today..............having some fun and laughing with my mom....mom bought some chew bones for gracie which gracie loves....having my visit to social security be brief and helpful.....mom going into walgreens for me since my pain is so intense......gracie....coffee from borders this morning...............my cold easing up i think.................playing with gracie....knowing that i can sleep in tomorrow.....having dinner with a friend tomorrow.............

Caught I cold..............................................

I have missed all fall and winter so far getting sick but now I have a cold. It is not real bad yet I think that I have a low grade fever so am staying home tonight. One of the small groups that I go to meets tonight. I would not anyone to get the cold from me especially the young kids (under age of two) and teresa who is pregnant. I will miss not being able to go...I have not had any nightmares for a couple of days which I am so so grateful for....but I continue to wake up around 3:00 a.m. and not get back to sleep for a few hours.
It sure is cold here...about 22 degrees! I am happy that it is not snowing or icey! Nothing really new with me today...I had my appointment with Nan today and that was good. so lj's for so far today...kind mainstream drivers....diet cherry pop.....gracie...having books that i have not read yet....blogger buddies.....OH getting a card from walgreens that i get a discount with my prescriptions when insurance does not cover them but now the card gives one back five percent of anything you buy in walgreens that is their brand....how great is that and then can use the balance on the card on future buys! i shop at walgreens lots since the one close to me is right beside the complex i live in.

Sunday with the Sniffles.............

It seems like everyyone that I know has been having colds this last month or two. I have not had one until today it seems like I am getting one...started last night with sneezes and then today I started having the stuffed up nose and some coughing.....so I took a nap and so did Gracie. It has been a good day. I enjoy so much helping out with the kids.
I am going to have a really busy week....lots of appointments and something every day I think....Monday is therapy and then the small group that I go to....Tuesday I meet with Pat my case manager and then am going to a group that he leads and then mom and I are going to bake and wrap gifts in the evening...Wednesday I meet with Cory my joc coach/career developer and am going out to eat with a friend from church....Thursday I have therapy and that is is for that day...and then on Friday I have a doctors appointment and then perhaps going to a small group from church...so with all I have to do I hope that my cold does not get worse.
So think that I will fix my dinner and then watch the t.v. shows that I like................lj's for today....very kind mainstream drivers.....playing with gracie.....hot chocolate...having some good conversations.....a nap...shows that I like on t.v..........

Oreo Balls

These are so eas to make and so yummy!!!!

1 package of oreo cookies
1 package of cream cheese
Chocolate or Butterscotch chips or dipping chocolate.

Scrape the icing on the inside of the cookies and put in a bowl. Combine the inside of the oreos with the cream cheese. Crush the cookies part can be done with a blender of by hand. Combine the cream cheese mixture with the cookies. Make into balls. I put the balls in the fridge to get cold because they are easier to cover. I then melt chips and dip the balls into the chocolate or whatever coating that I am using. They stay well in the freezer or the fridge. I have used the regular chocolate oreos with chocolate as the topping. I have used the vanilla oreos and dipped them in butterscotch....some people use almond bark to dip them in. They are good at room temperature...I really like them when they have been in the freezer...............they are SO SO good. I think one batch makes about 3 dozen balls if I remember right.

Good day...............

Even with the snow and running on no sleep it has been a good day. I have gotten lots of things done which makes me feel really good. I did get the cards written out just need to address some of them. I cleaned out the fridge. I swept the sidewalk again and put more ice melter on the sidewalk. I got some of my main room cleaned. I played with grumpy Gracie too.......she has been more barky I think that the sleet sound bothers her. It is interesting because she has not wanted to play out in the snow either though she did go out with me and watched me as I swept the sidewalk. I also know that when it is cold out she eats more so she was hungry some so I gave her more food and she was happy...I wish I could be like her and just eat when I am hungry and when I am hungry eat but stop when I am full. She I think is bothered because she likes snow but not the sleet. She is seeming older things such as when I get out of Mom's car and tell her she needs to stay while I get my stuff out she just lays back down and waits...she is my sweetie even when she is grumpy. I wonder lately if her back is bothering her again which is common in the type of dog body she has so I might need to get her medication for it...it really helped her before.
so lots of lj's and some bj's for today....bj's have to due with the food pantry...and mom and i got there and back safely....i found some soymilk that is still good in my fridge.....i was able to sweep the sidewalk twice...i have whip cream thanks to my mom who did not need it anymore so whip cream for hot chocolate sounds so so yummy and the soymilk is chocolate so will probably use that with the powder hot cocoa mix....mom fixed me more of rice and pasta which is also so useful and yummy since i do not have a stove or oven right now...there is a good movie on t.v. tonight.."the notebook" i have not seen it but hear that it is really good.....listening to christmas music on the radio...getting an email from my good friend....diet cherry pop....ice melter forget what brand but works really great....blogger buddies....
i also figured out what i am going to make as far as goodies for next week....some of them will go to church for our 23rd of December Christmas celebration...some go to Bryden Place which is a nursing home for the very poor if you get sick in this city and you are homeless or really poor you will go to Bryden Place...the church I go to has kind of adopted them and different groups go two to three times a week...some have like a little service....some just chat with people....some play games such as wheelchair dodge ball......so we take lots of cookies and goodies to them the weekend before Christmas and also make birthday cupcakes each month some with icing some plain for people who live there who are diabetic...and some i am going to make and give to people as small gifts. Mom and I will be making them together so that will be fun.
I plan to make poundcake mini muffins which are low sugar so diabetics can eat them...making some oreo balls if you have not had them wow you are missing a wonderful treat...dipping pretzels in chocolate and then also for church iceing graham crackers with some candy on them...most kids really like those.
Well I think that I am going to write a few more emails take a hot shower and relax until the movie starts and of course relax with gracie......................: )

Snow and Small Blessings

IT IS SNOWING!!!! I have to say that even though I get nervous about walking in it it is beautiful! It is cold....and one knows that it is cold when Gracie does not want to play in it. Some of the readers know but the new readers(which by the way am so happy abouut) do not know that last January I got laid off from work. I have not worked since then...yet am wanting to work a few hours a week if possible. I am also on disability have to stay under a certain amount. SO I bring the situation up because things have been really tight....my check goes to my condo fee...utilities...doctor and therapist co-pays, mainstream pass and that is it. I get some food stamps but not enough to make it through the month....so I have been blessed to be able to go to the Vineyard food pantry. It REALLY helps with basics and lots of other things . So today mom took me there and I was amazed at what happened. The person in front of me decided that he did not want most of what was in his bag so gave them back....since they have to have certain things in the bags by government orders like protein and such so long story shorter they gave me the bags that they give one person and then the guy said I am going to give you these two bags too and there were two chickens in the bag and then they had DOG FOOD which I really needed for Gracie and it was the kind she loves so that is why I am saying small blessings that are actually big blessings. I see in things like the dog food and such how God knows and cares for what people need....my sister and I call those things God things instead of coincidences.
I am glad to be back home. Mom went to get her hair cut and then plans to go home. I will be glad when she calls and lets me know that she is home safe. She is 79 years old and has better bones than I do...but my bones in my legs and ankles had so many breaks over the years and I think 7 maybe 8 operations on them. She is amazing for her age. I think that after I write some emails and start some laundry that I might take a nap. I did take the pain medication this a.m. and it helped the pain lots. So today I want to finish writing the Christmas cards...clean the fridge...maybe work on some affirmation cards.....oh transfer appointments and such onto my new calander for the new year.
I think that I might get out some music that I have not listened to in awhile...and make some hot tea or cocoa. I think it is a good day...and will continue to be one.

Saturday Morning

I had a rough night...it was one of those times when I wished that I lived close to someone who also might ba typically a night owl or knew of someone I thought that I couold call.....it was not horrific or anything just frustrating. I started back on the new medications last night because of some symptoms that started back that ended me in the hospital and that I dealt with a couple of weeks before I went in...so when you take this medication one has to take another medication with it so one does not get the bad side effects of it BUT the medication that is to help makes my stomach upset....feels similar to morning sickness. So because of taking those I did not feel comfortable taking the pain medication on top of the 3 medications I take at night.................so was in pain all night....and between the physical pain and my stomach upset I was awake ALL night. I have found that it helps the stomach if I chew gum.
Today Mom is picking me up in about an hour to go on some errands. I made a list of things that I want to make sure to get since it is supposed to be a crappy weather wise weekend at least in my point of view....I know there are snow lovers who read this....: ) It is supposed to rain first and then mix with sleet and then snow and then snow again tomorrow...we are to get two to four inches of snow. I am trying to pray and not panic about if the electricity goes out and such....like it has in other areas.
O.K. for people who drink pop and like cherry pop which is the favorite as far as diet cherry pop goes....diet cherry pepsi....diet cherry coke....cherry coke zero.....my picks would be the exact opposite of how I typed them...cherry coke zero is the first favorite and then diet cherry coke...and then diet cherry pepsi. It is so early in the day that I know most likely that I will post again so later on will be some lj's to share.............

taking a break from cleaning..................

gracie and i slept in today...i was so so happy to get a full nights sleep pllus some...i was so glad too that gracie slept in also. i have been trying to clean and sort things such as getting my books ready to go back to the library and things like that. i really need to clean out my fridge and get that organized! so my plan is to focus on my main room and then the fridge. i am trying to take frequent breaks so that my pain level does not get acute...it is already high...i am also taking breaks so hopefully i will not get too overwealmed.
i think that since i am going to be home today and most of tomorrow i should be able to get things done. it would make me feel so so good to be able to do that!
i find myself concerned for a friend of mine today...and it is so hard at times to be far apart from family and friends that one cares about and it seems sometimes that emails or blogging is not enough but that is all the options i have.i will probably add to this post as the day goes along...............well i got a few more things done and now am trying to do some laundry and have some computer time also. i am determined to start not taking pain medication every day. i have an appointment with my doctor on friday because the pain medication does not take it down when it is awful to less than half of what it was i did have a good cry tonight because of my home and all that needs to be taken care of....and because i ate chocolate...and because of all the medications i need to be on...and because it is only 7:00 p.m. and i want to crawl into bed....etc ect....................
well hmmmmm lj's for today....getting some cleaning done...talking to my friend michelle...getting some sleep last night.......

Back from shopping...............

It was a good night of shopping. I was able to find what we wanted to find for my oldest nephew and it was on sale...not sure if he or his wife read the blog so keeping it mum for now. I was able to find the rest of the things for the kids which was great...loving the sales! mom and i stopped by taco bell to get a gift card for the older guys and they will let you pay for your meal with a credit card but not gift cards...made no sense to mom and i. my mom was so sweet...i do not have an oven or stove that work right now so she made me about five packages of cooked rice and about five packages of pasta which is such a help! so for now most of them are frozen. i have got to organize my fridge soon.
today was a good day. tomorrow i plan to stay at home all day and then have one errand on saturday but plan to be in the rest of the day. sunday is church and most likely going to the library and out to eat with mom. i want to finish the holiday cards...start my new calander that has december in it also...clean....and such. i really appreciate the ideas for cards thank you.

gracie

when i was at dollar tree today i bought a sweater for gracie....it is red and white striped and very festive looking only it goes over her head and paws find and then is long enough but does not go underneath her so it is kind of looks a poncho or something....still cute. at first she tried to take it off but now she is laying down and seems to be comfy in it. i cannot wait to see my mom's face when she sees gracie with a sweater/poncho on. it was only a dollar too.here is a question for those who read this..................i want to do another set of encouragemtn cards and the batch that i made was for courage...i am thining of making some for hope and perhaps joy and maybe peace.....what other topics can you guys think of?

busy yet productive day.............................

today has been a busy yet good and productive day and is still going to be busy this eveing. i had therapy with nan today and that went well. we are going to work on a list of likes and dislikes of food and then she will help me make some menus of six very small meals or snacks a day i made some inspirational cards for the center to use in their partial day program when it starts. i thought it was nice but nothing big and i got a card thanking me and everyone at the center signed it which i thought was reallys sweet. off the news of my busy day i just bonked my head on the lamp and OW DID IT HURT and OH MY HEAD STILL HURTS.....so back to today. my friend maureen and i went shopping at the grocery and at the dollar tree to get stuff for mom's presents and then groceries. tonight mom and i are doing more christmas shopping - mom decided we needed to buy more stuff for the kids and exchange some stuff that we bought for different things.
tomorrow i do not have to do anything outside my place which will be nice....maybe sleep in in and write some christmas cards to mail...i am not mailing many at all this year. i need to clean and do laundry and have a bunch of emails that i want to write....well need to eat something before mom and i get together and need to see if gracie will wear the sweater that i got her..........she does get colder now that she was shaved in like november and i think she will look so cute................lj's for today....the thank you card...hanging out with maureen...getting my shopping done for mom......................knowing my friend andrew got to spend some money on himself...............

Phone calls

I have spent many many minutes today on the phone trying to get some answers to questions that I have about my rx coverage. I have so far talked to four people and now was given another number. I get so irritated when that happens. I know that certain departments handle different things but it would be great if everone knew which department for certain issues. I think that I have decided now to go down to social security local office since they are the ones who decided that I was elgible since I am on Medicare and Medicaid. I want to know what the imcome cap is for the level that I am on to get my rx's for the same price that I pay now. My medications if I had to pay totally out of pocket which I could not do unless like I won a lottery because they are around $3000.00 a month! Yes I did mean to have that many zeros!
I am bummed because of my friend Tammy not being able to get together today. I was looking foward to going out and talking. She suffers with some of the same issues that I do so I totally get that there are bad days. We will most likely go out next week. I have some goals today which are to clean some...put some things away...sign the few Christmas cards that I plan to send out...work some more on the admin stuff for the small group that I go to on Monday evenings.
I was looking foward to going to Bob Evans and ordering just punpkin bread or something with coffe..and now I cannnot decide what I want to eat. Well I am needing to eat something...and I think due to not sleeping well last night a nap sounds really great to me. I am really wanting to in the new year focus more on the original thoughts i had about using this blog to deal with my eating disorder and food and such.
lj's so far for today....even though i hd to talk to about four people they were all very nice and kind and i was able to stay calm and polite...i am so happy for my friend andrew found some money. it is always fun to have a good surprize like that.....it is a human issue that every person needs to know that they are needed. i have really enjoyed starting to do the administrative issues for the monday evening group. it is something i do well at and enjoy...gracie taking a nap. i love her much...today she has been needy and wanting to go out and then in and she really people does seem like a toddler at times when she gets this way and does do so much better after a nap. i think i might join her in a nap soon.........oh this is more of a big joy instead of little but bvr is going to give me $200.00 to go towards clothing for looking for work and when hopefully soon that i start working so that is a HUGE blessiing especially since now all of my pants have holes in them except for one pari of jeans. i do not care about wearing them in my day to day but for work not good....i am looking foward to spend time with maureen...........well i want to email some people and do some on the admin stuff.....i hope that anyone who reads this has a great day.

Tuesday Morning Ramblings...............

I have been up since 7:00 a.m. because I needed to put a load in the dryer since I needed warm clothing to go out later on today....I am NOT a morning person! I am not even a morning person even if I have slept great the night before. Gracie is also not a morning dog! She looks at me like why in the world are you out of bed when it is before ten in the morning....it is almost 11:00 a.m. and I am on my second can of diet pop. Mainstream picks me up in a half hour to go to my appointment at COVA. I typically go there once a week but due to Thanksgiving and then my being in the hospital and then needing to wait till I got that so I have not been for 3 weeks I think it is so it will be good to get back to looking for work and such. I am also going to have them help me find a place to volunteer I think.
Yesterday evening I was at the small group that I go to and we had a holiday celebration and many people brought many goodies. One of the goodies which is a common type cookie in the midwest. I thought it was all over the U.S. but a couple who were there who grrew up on the east coast had never seen or heard of them...........so I am wondering it it was jut them or perhaps other places do not make the wreath cookies...made out of cornflakes kind of like a rice krispie treat and then the flakes are dyed green with red hots for decoratons. So curious who has heard or tasted them before and who has not?
I was in an AA meeting years ago where someone said that she had such an addictive personality that when she was old she would addicted to her rocking chair. I have been thinking about that because I have a new addiction and that is bubble gum...o.k. bubble gum is not harmful like drugs or alchohol but still I do not like that feeling when I feel like I cannot stop something or if I do it will be very difficult. I know just stop buying the gum but it is crazy how I actually probably in the store spent 10 minutes deciding if I was going to buy gum or not and well I did. I am reminding myself that if it helps right now it is alright.........so gotta run finish getting ready........lj's for today are blogger buddies....gracie...diet people....bubble gum....actually getting some things done this morning.

Christmas Shopping..............

Mom and I went Christmas shopping yesterday and we got it all done I think except for what she is buying me and what I plan to buy her. It was a long afternoon but it was good to get it done. Mom is being kind to sign both of our names to the presents even with her paying for everything. We went to many places but it only took about four hours which for me is a long time to be in crowds and with my knee pain and such but it was a good time with Mom. We went to Walgreens, K-Mart, Borders, Dollar Tree and then went through the drive thurs at Wendy's and Starbucks to get gift cards. Yesterday was sure busy though with church both services and shopping and such.
Tonight one of the small groups that I go to is having a Christmas party...I am really tired because of still having the nightmares and such but want to go hang out with people.
I met with Nan today. We talked some about the nightmares and what might be prompting them. We also talked about how she thought in subconscience my physical pain is part of what is causing the nightmares and also perhaps some memories from the past..............who knows for sure I just am tired of waking up around 3:00 a.m. and dealing with them.
I feel like yesterday being busy and today being busy that I will not have my usual time to read blogs and such so will have to do that another time. I do have some emails that I need to write. oops almost forgot my lj's for today so far....both mainstream drivers being nice...seeing their appreciation when i give them the small individual santas as a very small token of my appreciation of them...hanging out with gracie...the snow is gone....mac and cheese....

guess i am in a writing mood today..........

i always want to say chatty but that does not sound right when i am writing. anybody think of a better word for me to use? mom and i got the errands that we wanted to run today. we still have not found dora the explorer material thought...someone suggested hobby land and wal-mart the ones that carry fabric. kati who is 2 1/2 is my nephew jerah and his wife cindy youngest child and she is in a stage where she really likes dora the explorer. mom wants to make her a pillow. i think that is a great idea. my mom used to sew so much when i was little and did a great job and made some beautiful items and even made coats for my sister and i. when i was little like around the age of 5 i LOVED the movie " sound of music" and mom made me a few dresses in a dark print and i called them my sound of music dresses. i also am told that often times if someone started to talk to me i would say quoting from the movie
"say it sister"..............well since i am in such a "chatty writing" mood i think that i will write some emails and hopefully my legs will not hurt as much.

lots to say....................

i had a REALLY BAD night full of some extreme nightmares the kind of ones that one cannot shake when you awaken from them. i had done things before i went to bed like leaving a light on and leaving the t.v. on without the sound but still had them.it might sound strange but it is another reason that i am so glad that i have a dog. i am able to wake up and know it was just a dream when she is lying on her bed or in bed with me sound asleep. i called and left a message for nan and told her that on monday i might need to try to deal with and figure out what is going on with the nightmares. i get concerned when i do not sleep...concerned that i will go into another manic episode and have to be in the hospital. i got myself so worked up that i was thinking that if i had to go back in the hospital already they would keep me for a few weeks and i would miss christmas with family and on and on and on. so then i prayed which seems to always calm me down and got some clearer thinking that the most that would happen if a countinue to have issues sleeping is that first my medications might be changed a bit. i wonder if part of the weird sleep is that i tried to stay on the same schedule like i was on in the hospital waking up early and going to bed early....perhaps i need to go back to the routine i have on a typical day at home. i also since i got up mid morning yesterday maybe took my night med too early last night. anyway saying all of that to say that i am grateful that i thought to pray and thankful that i was able to calm myself down. those things for me such as prayer and gracie are bj's for me insteasd of lj's.
i am up early for me due to having to go to the food pantry today. mom is picking me up in about 40 minutes. we then are going to go cash a check that i got and go to walgreens for a few things and then doing the real shopping tomorrow for christmas tomorrow. walgreens is having a special with the individual candy such as are in a shape of santa clause and are on sale for about half price and each person can only buy 6 so mom and i are both going in today and each buy 6 and then tomorrow each buy 6 again. they will make a nice little something to give to the mainstream drivers this season. i wish i could give them each a nice tip but just cannot do that plus there are probably between all of the shifts over 30 drivers so might not even see them all before christmas. i am so blessed to have been able to go to the food pantry. it has been such a help....lots of things like cereals and mac and cheese and rice and oatmeal and peanut butte and with getting those basics i think i will be able to get by with those items and the things i can buy with my food stamps without havint to use any money and if i do can get by with the money i have. i am hoping to not have to ask mom for money for food since christms time is here and things are kind of tight for her too and she is paying for items for me to give to family. she is buying items for treats we are making for people also. i do hope to be able to help with those items.

today when i was up and moving i got to thinking of other bj's in my life such as my friend andrew. he is such a blessing in my life with his blog and our emails encouraing each other and sharing about our days. i was also thinking that i would not have "met" other bloggers if i did not know him or read his blog. he is getting his christmas tree today and lights and such. i am so happy for him! he is so open about his struggles with drinking has made me think i should go to some meetings most likely online since it is hard for me to get rides at times and then i am too shy and not trusting to ask other people in aa or na to give me rides home. andrew i want to say thank you so much for shairng who you....your ups and downs...your battle with mental illnesses...knowing you has added MUCH to my life. i am a MUCH better person because i know you!

one of the other bj's are the people that i know and love at central vineyard the church that i go to. i am loved and accepted as i am and also encouraged to be a better person. i do not have to hide my struggles with mental illnesses and other issues. i am able to do things such as the check in table for the children and really try to be an innercessor for various people and causes. i have been blessed more than i can say by people with help with paying for groceries at times and even one couple has blown me away with their generosity with paying for medications....thank you jeff and teresa! thanks to all at c.v. who are a part of my life and have been invited into their lives. thank you to jeff and john who prayed before i started coming to c.v. that i would be a part of the church. thanks to people for not making me feel old even when i did babysit somf of you when you were children....: )

i want to really focus on things that i have that money cannot buy this season and hope that it continues into the new year...so a few lj's and o.k. some of them cost money but here it goes.......music on the radio especially the stations that are playing christmas music...enjoying shows on tlc and my mom blessing me with paying so that i can keep my cable...diet cherry pop.... well i have got to finish getting ready to run errands and get gracie ready to since she is going with us even though she does not know it yet because she gets so so exited if she knows i am leaving and thinking she is going. i think she can tell where i am going by what i take with me when i leave and thus knows some of those errands she goes on with us. just as an fyi one of us always stays in the car with her when we run errands. i hope that each of you have a blessed day....

friday afternoon

i am so happy that it is warming up here in the part of ohio where i am at! i have not accomplished anything except eating breakfast and being on the computer well there also is letting gracie in and out and in and out of the door because she loves the snow. i enjoyed my oatmeal and the walgreens store close to me has the instant in boxes for just a dollar. i am hoping to clean either my bedroom or bathroom or perhaps i will get the energy and clean both of them. i am really hoping to get a new cordless phone this weekend! my landline phone is in my bedroom and by the time i get in there the phone has stopped ringing and someone is leaving a message............so i have been checking the message on my cell phone and talking on it more since i keep it either in my purse or by the computer. i thought of the phone because the phone just rang....i am guessing it is my mom or perhaps my friend maureen.........let me see here...............or a bill collector....................o.k. no message left so probably a bill collector or someone trying to have me donate money.
some lj's for today so far are.............oatmeal.....having blogger buddies...gracie even when she is so wet from playing in the snow...t.v. shows that i like on tonight........o.k. these seem really trivial today but they do make a day better.

mix of good and not so good.........

but nothing horrilbe today. i left home at 8:00 a.m. to go to my appointments. i was really happy that i got up in time to watch the news and play with gracie and eat and put out fresh water and make sure gracie had her dry food and had time to be on the computer for a short time. i was also happy with myself that i had packed last night my lunch and snack and pop for today since i left so early and got back home around 4:00 p.m. so both of those are lj's for today.....i had a good appointment with nan. i always feel better when i make a list of things that i want to talk about with the professionals i see and when i get thru my list it makes me feel even better. my appointment with the doctor was alright...he is a good man and a good doctor and i feel blessed to have him as a doctor. he is not ready to have me start tapering off one of the antidepressents since i was just in the hospital even though i was not in the hospital for depression. he said that we could talk about it after the new year. he put me on coginton because he said that with all of the side effects that haladol can give one he feels better with his patients taking it.....so sure i want to avoid nasty side effects but jeese one more medication! he said that he will consider my going off the haladol and the cogention in the new year if i am still doing well.

the mainstream drivers both of them were very nice today and helped me from my door and to my door which they are supposed to all of the time but many of the drivers do not do that.it is supposed to snow tomorrow so i decided it is a good day for me to stay inside...and i think that i will stay up and watch t.v. and sleep in tomorrow a.m. gracie will be so exited again if it snows. i decided and canceled my rides to and from the bible study tomorrow due to the approaching weather. i would rather not chance it plus i do not like to cancel my rides on the same day because it counts against you..sure with weather they would be more lenient but the less stress that i can help them not have the better i feel. one more good thing about today is that my pain level is back down for which i am grateful.

I did it!

i am so proud of myself i got out out and swept off the sidewalk!

it is around 6:30 p.m. and i am on a roll today doing things that are brave for me and not my typical norm to do...I had gotten from my mom a few months ago some email addresses of cousins that i have not seen or talked to in years. they came into town and mom had lunch with them a few months back but i was too embarrassed and just too many people i did not know well BUT today i emailed them all and told them i was not great with person to person contact or phone but it would be a great start for me to start emailing back and forth.
i also got all of my dishes done and am doing some laundry...so besides spending lots of time on the computer i also have gotten some things done..........

snow snow and more snow.............

i am one who typically not a fan of snow. i think that it is because i get scared of falling and such. i have to say though it is so pretty when it is snow that is still fresh and white and such...as i look out my window onto my patio it looks so pretty! i think it will be a good day to stay inside and perhaps have some hot chocolate or keep a pot of coffe on or some hot tea. gracie is LOVING the snow! she still does not have much fur since she just got groomed about two months ago or such so she gets cold so she is in and out much today. i think that i am going to go out soon and try to sweep a path from my front door to the door of my patio and then go out again another time and try to shovel or sweel the sidewalk leading up to my patio. i think if i try to take it slow and just a bit at a time it will be alright...i am not wanting to break it up into a few times due to the cold as much as not wanting to hurt myself or fall and such. i did decide to take my cell phone out with me in case something happens i also keep two chairs on the patio that if i brushed the snow off they can help me get up if i do fall.

i have been trying to read the book of james from the bible the first chapter every day to really ponder it and get so that i remember it. jeff the pastor at the church that i go to said that he years ago read through the whole book of james every day for a month. i think that for me to ponder it better that i will break it up into a chapter or two a day. i find it interesint that as much as i love to read that it is much easier for me to pray then it is for me to read the bible. i watched last night the show on ruth graham. i always have thought of her as quite a woman to admire. it was not easy i am sure for her to be on her own much of the time when billy was out preaching and like he said she was often the mom and the dad. i did order her free book that shared her journals and such.

i am finding that i am sleeping so much better if i sleep on my couch...not sure why but i do. i had a funny dream last night that seemed really long and quite unusual at times and i will not get into it all but will say that one part of it was that i rode a child's bike to my mom's place and was so exited that it was pink. the doorman would not let me keep it outside i had to take it to the 15th floor where my mom lives. it looked like one of those clowns who ride the teeny tiny bikes in the circus...............well i have not been up long perhaps two hours but will add some lj's so far for today........looking out at the pretty snow....looking at gracie playing inthe snow...a can of cherry coke...last night finding my can opener...(i forget things so easy sometimes and with the two weeks before i was in the hospital i forgot things even more i could not remember where i put my can opener).....talking with mom and finding out that walgreens is having a sale buy two games and get one free so great christmas gift ideas...thinking about mom and i when it gets closer to christmas we are going to make some chocolate covered pretzels and then the oreo balls which are so so so good. i think that i will add that to one of my posts soon becaue they are so easy and so good especially when they ar cold. mom and i have not done something like that for years now....my comfy brown sweater that i am wearing lots lately.....o.k. so what lj's can people come up with for today? just a reminder lj's stands for little joys the little things that make a day better. some peoplle think of it as a gratitude list so whichever way you might think of it please share those thoughts with me...............

HOW DO I ERASE COMMENTS

I would like to keep the post that I wrote recently but want to erase the comment where the person was mean I thought about a person Andrew who I think of as more than a blogger buddy but also call him a friend. Andrew when you read this PLEASE REMEMBER we are friends and the person took my comment on your blog wrongly. I was asking if you were angry with me because of MY ISSUES and not that you had said that you were angry. So...other bloggers out there please let me know and thanks. MUCH thanks to Kelly Jane...I got it taken care of.

divine appointment

i just got back from borders........pat and i usually go to borders. i was standing there and matt from central vineyard came up and spoke to me and said your name is liz right and you go to central vineyard we do not know each other well. i was SO glad that he came up to me and i was able to give him a hug and tell him that i was praying for him and his wife and that i knew lots of people were also praying. i introduced him to pat and he shared with pat what had happened with baby Noele (sp?) so after he left i got to talk to pat for a bit about God and a fallen world and such and that is when i felt like it was a divine appointment that i got to share with pat and also got to remind matt that we are praying for his family.
i wanted to add in response to the previous email that i do not know if andrew is angry at me what i posted on his blog is that i hoped that he was not angry with me but it was a question more about my issues with getting concerned that i say too much to people at times.
good question about seasonal disorder....yes lots of people do get seasonal depression and such especially in the gray days we have of winter but that is something that i do not have. i am grateful that is something that i do not have that.
hey here is a great music website to go to...www.pearinthepinkthing.com it is my sister's latest cd. i think it will lead you to previous cd's. let me know what you think...........

Early Morning

I think that since I had to awaken early at the hospital that I am getting in the habit of getting to bed earler and waking up earlier which will be a good thing once I get used to it. Thanks for all the welcome home to Gracie and I comments and emails. It is good to be back home. I was saddened yesterday to learn that a couple at the church that I go to lost their baby girl...she was about 3 plus months early to be born. I cannot imagine what it is like to hold your baby for 3 hours and then have her die. The dad delivered the baby at home. One can read more about this at the blogspot for my church which is
http://centralvineyard.blogspot.com and also I feel like Erica wrote what so many woman well and men would feel in this situation and that blog is http://:ericalynnfoster.blogspot.com
It is SO CUTE to me to see Gracie doing what I call her happy hop when she is running through my home and she is kind of jumping little jums not big ones as she runs....kind of reminds me of a toddler/preschooler when they kind of half walk and half skip....hope that makes sense but if it does not just know it is very cute to watch her do.
I am to meet today with my case manager Pat. I hope that he shows up. I hope that I am able to share with him how upset I was that he did not come visit me at the hospital....I just think that is part of a case managers job. It is today I think when my sister finds out about her tests....please pray for her and my brother in law...Marianne and Johnny as they go to the doctor and that the doctor has some answers. This has been a long journey as she has gone to a few doctors trying to find out what is wrong with her physically and this week between a cold and whatever else is wrong with her (disc issues or perhaps ms or ???) she has felt really crappy.Well so far my lj's are......gracie and her happy hop...sleeping on the couch with gracie. we fell asleep on the couch last night so i just stayed there with her as we cuddled and slept....coco puffs not the most nutricous breakfast but it sure tasted good. i have never eaten them before and a few weeks ago when i went to the food pantry it is one of the things in the bag that they gave me.....blogger buddies.............

Gracie is back home!

i am so thrilled and feel now like things are back to somewhat normal since mom and i went to pick up gracie. she was SO EXITED to see me and to see mom also. she kind of gave it to us (barking and whining and crying) to let us know how she had missed me. we have been home for about a hour or so and we have been playing lots and petting her and giving her kisses and she has wanted to be petted lots and play lots and i have a song that i sing to her so i sang to her a few times...i am glad that she does not mind that i do not sing well and the song is " i love my gracie boo...i love my gracie boo...i love i love i love i love....i love my gracie boo
the place that i take her is great and she does well when she is there but i sure miss her and she misses me when we are apart. i had some panic attack type stuff going on last evening and this morning and i did not even think of it till mom mentioned it to me that she thought that the panic type stuff was from missing gracie and feeling safer and such when she is here with me. i live in a good neighborhood yet i still feel lots safer when she is around me. i wish that i had a scanner and the knowledge to put pictures on the blog so people can see what she looks like. today was a good day in therapy. nan is really great as a therapist. i feel really blessed that i am able to see her and that she is alot like wil in how she practices and talks and such.
mom stopped by the store today so that i could get some items to stock up on...i hear that the prediction is for 3 inches of snow in the next few days. i am glad that i do not have to do anything that i have to leave my place until thursday when i see nan again. i hope that we do not get lots of snow...it always triggers me to think that i cannot get out of my place which if it is an emergancy someone could help me i know.
my mom cooked me some pasta and meatballs which i am looking foward to eating. she is a good cooke. i miss having a stove and oven that works so since that is the case i get tired of microwave dinners and such. i know in hopefuly the near future like after the holidays i will be able to get a stove and hopefully a new washer and dryer which is also wearing down and need some items for the bathroom.
well o.k. here are some lj's for today even though some of them are large joys instead of little joys....gracie back home....walgrees taking my ebt card.....mom paying for gracie's stay at the kennel....that the kennel that i board her at is called for paws and it is a wonderful place....i heard from a friend by email.....my mini panic attacks are easing up some...
gracie is wanting to be everywhere that i am...if i sit on the couch she hops up on it...if i am on the computer she is laying by my chair...if i get up to move she follows me....i love her so so much. she is such a delight and help in my life....i wonder if sometime maggie (andrew's dog) and gracie will meet. i know probably later on tonight she will lay on yes on my feet whch is so sweet but i hate moving my feet when she is relaxed and often times asleep on my feet. she also knowing her will sleep really well tonight since that is her pattern when we have been away from each other for a few days or so. i will also sleep better tonight so that is also my pattern when we have been away from each other.............. : )

I am back home................

after spending 6 days at the hospital. i went in on monday afternoon and got out today. i do not think that i want to get into alot of details on my blog i will just say that it was for psychiatric issues. i am feeling MUCH BETTER...they symtoms that i was experiencing are gone. i am on another medication which not thrilled about but will take it since it does help those symptoms go away. i am glad to be home. i will be thrilled to pick up gracie tomorrow from the place where i board here! i have missed her lots! not much else new with me right now....just want to settle in to being home tonight.