lots to say....................

i had a REALLY BAD night full of some extreme nightmares the kind of ones that one cannot shake when you awaken from them. i had done things before i went to bed like leaving a light on and leaving the t.v. on without the sound but still had them.it might sound strange but it is another reason that i am so glad that i have a dog. i am able to wake up and know it was just a dream when she is lying on her bed or in bed with me sound asleep. i called and left a message for nan and told her that on monday i might need to try to deal with and figure out what is going on with the nightmares. i get concerned when i do not sleep...concerned that i will go into another manic episode and have to be in the hospital. i got myself so worked up that i was thinking that if i had to go back in the hospital already they would keep me for a few weeks and i would miss christmas with family and on and on and on. so then i prayed which seems to always calm me down and got some clearer thinking that the most that would happen if a countinue to have issues sleeping is that first my medications might be changed a bit. i wonder if part of the weird sleep is that i tried to stay on the same schedule like i was on in the hospital waking up early and going to bed early....perhaps i need to go back to the routine i have on a typical day at home. i also since i got up mid morning yesterday maybe took my night med too early last night. anyway saying all of that to say that i am grateful that i thought to pray and thankful that i was able to calm myself down. those things for me such as prayer and gracie are bj's for me insteasd of lj's.
i am up early for me due to having to go to the food pantry today. mom is picking me up in about 40 minutes. we then are going to go cash a check that i got and go to walgreens for a few things and then doing the real shopping tomorrow for christmas tomorrow. walgreens is having a special with the individual candy such as are in a shape of santa clause and are on sale for about half price and each person can only buy 6 so mom and i are both going in today and each buy 6 and then tomorrow each buy 6 again. they will make a nice little something to give to the mainstream drivers this season. i wish i could give them each a nice tip but just cannot do that plus there are probably between all of the shifts over 30 drivers so might not even see them all before christmas. i am so blessed to have been able to go to the food pantry. it has been such a help....lots of things like cereals and mac and cheese and rice and oatmeal and peanut butte and with getting those basics i think i will be able to get by with those items and the things i can buy with my food stamps without havint to use any money and if i do can get by with the money i have. i am hoping to not have to ask mom for money for food since christms time is here and things are kind of tight for her too and she is paying for items for me to give to family. she is buying items for treats we are making for people also. i do hope to be able to help with those items.

today when i was up and moving i got to thinking of other bj's in my life such as my friend andrew. he is such a blessing in my life with his blog and our emails encouraing each other and sharing about our days. i was also thinking that i would not have "met" other bloggers if i did not know him or read his blog. he is getting his christmas tree today and lights and such. i am so happy for him! he is so open about his struggles with drinking has made me think i should go to some meetings most likely online since it is hard for me to get rides at times and then i am too shy and not trusting to ask other people in aa or na to give me rides home. andrew i want to say thank you so much for shairng who you....your ups and downs...your battle with mental illnesses...knowing you has added MUCH to my life. i am a MUCH better person because i know you!

one of the other bj's are the people that i know and love at central vineyard the church that i go to. i am loved and accepted as i am and also encouraged to be a better person. i do not have to hide my struggles with mental illnesses and other issues. i am able to do things such as the check in table for the children and really try to be an innercessor for various people and causes. i have been blessed more than i can say by people with help with paying for groceries at times and even one couple has blown me away with their generosity with paying for medications....thank you jeff and teresa! thanks to all at c.v. who are a part of my life and have been invited into their lives. thank you to jeff and john who prayed before i started coming to c.v. that i would be a part of the church. thanks to people for not making me feel old even when i did babysit somf of you when you were children....: )

i want to really focus on things that i have that money cannot buy this season and hope that it continues into the new year...so a few lj's and o.k. some of them cost money but here it goes.......music on the radio especially the stations that are playing christmas music...enjoying shows on tlc and my mom blessing me with paying so that i can keep my cable...diet cherry pop.... well i have got to finish getting ready to run errands and get gracie ready to since she is going with us even though she does not know it yet because she gets so so exited if she knows i am leaving and thinking she is going. i think she can tell where i am going by what i take with me when i leave and thus knows some of those errands she goes on with us. just as an fyi one of us always stays in the car with her when we run errands. i hope that each of you have a blessed day....