Saturday...........................

I am so tired that I think that I could fall asleep at the computer. Sleep last night was very very minimal I think I slept from 7:00 a.m. - 9:30 a.m. I am determined to stay awake until 8:00 p.m. so that I will not mess up tonight's sleep so no nap for me....a nap looks so inviting seeing Gracie all cuddled up on the couch on her blanket.....
Today has been surprizingly an o.k. day.......the reason I say that I am surprized is because of being tired (but that perhaps means that the manic is slowing down) and with having 3 different types of hallucinations...seeing and hearing things and then feeling things like it feels like someone is tapping me on my shoulder to get my attention...and then it also is that time of the month which nowdays there is no routine or schedule just really irratic and are signes of early menapause....

This morning mom picked Gracie and I up....Gracie LOVES CAR RIDES and she is a delight to have along and just is such a cutie when she gets SO EXITED when she starts looking at me when I am gettign my shoes on and then I will ask her Do you want to see Gramma and go for a ride and she will be jumping for joy and yelping with joy and so we get her leash on and go outside. She NEVER has been a problem to take in the car no matter where we go. So mom picked us up and we went to the food pantry. I was so glad that someone came out of the building when he did because there were no cars in the parking lot and most days lots of people hainging around outside and such because mom and I almost left. I got inside and the people who work there said that they could not figure out why there were not many people there...it is cold temperature wise but it was not raining or snowing. I was there the last 30 minutes it was open and I was number 47 and so that is the number of people they had served in 2 hours and there was no line or anything...then as an example last week I was there within the first hour and I was number 79 and the man who was sigining in people said last week the total was around 175 people. So..........got some good grocieries and toiletries and then we went to run some errands. Mom bought lunch at Wendys and we ate in the car since Gracie was with us and then she had to go return some items at a store and ended up getting us both some items. We then went to the grocery store to get some items to go along with what I had been given and I am SO SO THANKFUL that mom went in for me because of all the mental health issues going on it would have been really hard for me to handle all of the noises and sights and smells etc etc.........plus again it is a day of really intense physical pain....it was really sweet too because with not working and it being the end of the month i do not have any foodstamps left nor cash and mom is always really great about helping me yet this time it was just really sweet that i had made a list of things that i could use and what things that i knew there was a sale on and such and she did not try to talk me into having her buy things that i did not have on the list or other choices then were on my list so that helped it be a better day also like she did not say anything about my wanting regular and diet pop since i have been trying to not drink regular pop and those sort of things.

so am back home doing some laundry and being on the computer. last night when i could not sleep i watched lots of the food channel so it was interesting to see some recipes and ones that sounded great to me and some sounded yucky to me. gracie stayed up almost all of the night like i did! she almost always if i am not sleeping at night she sleeps on and off and tries to stay awake when i am but lately she knows things are kind of rough so she stayed awake more last night and we found ourselves at about 4:00 a.m. playing catch and such.. i am going back and forth about the whole medication issues....mom and i talked about it some when she called a few minutes ago to see how i was doing. it was actually surprizingly a good conversation. she suggested that i start back on all of my medications again and i said with forgetting some and not taking thm some etc etc that it is not good for me to go from not taking a medication then to a full does of it whch most of the medications that i take are at high doses so she said well which medication is the most important one right now and i did not know so she suggested that i take the wellbutrin and i told her that i could not take it this late in the day because it will keep one awake and i do not need any help keeping me awake. so i told her tomorrow when we were out i would agree to go in and talk to ryan who is the pharmacist that i know really well and he knows me and ask what he suggests. she said could you call the pharmacy tonght and i said that they were open but i did not want to talk on the phone to them and did not want to talk to anyone but ryan and she said o.k. folks i almost wanted to cry because yesterday we got into a huge argument about medications and such and it was not good on either end and then today we were able to have a great conversation and i felt understood and cared about and i felt understood that even if it did not make sense to her and even though it does not totally make sense in my brain that we were able to talk and that she did not try to tell me that some of the things that i was saying did not make sense.it was just SO GREAT since the argument yesterday was horrible. I hate arguing! I hate arguing even more when I am not feeling heard! SO this conversation went much better. i had when i got home a message from maureen who i had tried to call twice yesterday but just left messages so she called me back and left a message so hoping we can connect tomorrow.
tomorrow is sunday so church in the morning...going out to eat with me then going to the library and then to buy socks for me which are much much needed and then tomorrow evening there are 3 shows that i like on so hopefully that will help me unwind and get to sleep early since on monday is a very early morning start for me and then going from one doctor appointment to my appointment with nan so need to pack for the day....a few cans of pop....something for lunch and then a snack. i have to get up early tomorrow too since i leave on sundays at 8:00 a.m.
so some lj's for today.......a very sweet thank you note from my nephew brendan and his wife courtney for their wedding gift. it is one of those card that i am sure i will read many times and get out to read when it is a bad day.......food pantry being open......mom's support and help in so many ways today...feeling that i am over the flu or ??? whatever it was it did not last long but wow was it intense!
gracie.......that i enjoy reading. i find it such a great escape on bad days and good days.....some of the many things that i am grateful for in no order........................1. God who I am amazed almost daily and that the creater of the universe loves and cares for me and loves me as I am and encourages me to be the best person I can be. 2. I am a kind and loving person who cares deeply about many things and that the horrific things that I went through in the past has not turnd me into a bitter and mean person. 3. I am told that if I did not have D.I.D. which helped me stay alive that I would most likely be in prison or in a 24/7 365 days a year psychiatiric hospital. 4. I have a roof over my head. 5. I have clothing to wear for cold weather and hot weather. 6. I have food to eat. 7. I have professionals in my life such as Nan and Dr Weiss and Dr. Blackburn who understand me and care for me. 8. Friends 9. Family. 10. Central Vineyard the people there and also grateful for what God is doing there. 11.Gracie 12. AA 13. N.A. 14. Blogger Buddies 15. Computers 16. Scientists who fgure out how to fix someones body by a procedure or medications 17. music 18. The Bible 19. Prayer 20. I can read and write and learn................there are SO SO SO SO many more things and people and places and such that I can mention and if I were not catching myself going to sleep while I type I would continue on but for now I will stop.