what a night and what a day........

well last night due to many issues....physical pain...hallucinating...o.c. stuff....wondering if today i would end up in the hospital and all of those issues that come with a hospitalization led me to not sleeping much. i had settled down around 5:00 a.m. and thought that i would be able to sleep some and then gracie started barking and barking and barking and i could not figure out why she was barking so was trying to get her to settle down and then around 5:30 i heard someone at my door and could see from my window that it was a large man and was freaked about that and was not about to go to the door when i did not know who it was and i thought well maybe it is a disgruntled neightbor that gracie's barking got awakened and is upset and then the man left as quick as he came so the knocking on the door got gracie even more upset so then my phone rings and i am thinking oh crap now someone called the cops cause of gracies barking but no it was mainstream!!!! the mainstream dispatcher said that my bus was in the parking lot! i never ever ever had taken mainstream that early for one thing....and the person who was supposed to schedule my ride for today it was to be at 5:30 p.m. not a.m.!!!! so told the dispatcher it was a wrong trip so the bus left and gracie and i calmed down some and then got some sleep! i did not hear the bus until it was leaving so glad that at least for my neighbors that the bus was quiet. i had planned to take mainstream to and from the support group tonight when i made the reservation but had planned on canceling it today anyway. so tonight when mom and i were out i thought i should call and make sure that mainstream did not screw up more and that i would still have an 8:00 p.m. trip home and guess what yes there was a trip in the system for me to have an 8:00 p.m. trip home. i am baffled at the person who made the mistake on the reservation would think that i would want to go to center for balanced living at 5:30 a.m. and then plan to stay until 8:00 p.m. !

so today has been somewhat better....the o.c. had slowed down and then was back lots during the movie that i watched...the hallucinations are more hearing than seeing things so a bit better. i think that it is going to be like the last hospitalization when i dealt with the hallucinations and not being in my body i mean like not being totally present and dealt with them the best that i could and then it was like one day i woke up and thought i cannot deal with this anymore without being inpatient. i really want to push myself and really hope that i can stay out over thanksgiving. i was really touched when maureen a woman i know from church called to ask what she could do and also wanted to tell me that if it came that i knew i needed to go to the hospital she would be happy to help me and give me a ride...she also mentioned she would be willing if i wanted for her to help me find someone who could keep gracie so that i would not have the expense of boardig her but she also totally got that for me to leave gracie with someone i would really have to know them and trust them. i was not able to meet with pat my case manager today due to him oversleeping and having car problems and such but we did talk on the phone and he said that he would check in with me a few tmes over the long weekend since most places as far as like doctors and center for balanced living will be closed on thursday and friday so i really appreciated his caring. he also though was more of the line of thinking that perhaps i should go ahead and go inpatient but i know it is because of his concern and care. the other thing that happened today is for awhile my computer was acting weird but seems fine now so that is for sure a large joy for today!
so some lj's for today are.......that i did not get any neighbors knocking on my door or calling because of gracie.......i got to see a movie in a theatre which i have not done in years.......i got in the mail my mainstream pass for december because there was a mix up at cota and i had to go get my november pass even though the check had been sent in plenty of time (october15th) to get the november pass so with my getting the december pass i did not lose any money....and will have some extra it looks like for the rest of the month....constance who is about 7 months likes to "talk" on the phone so she "talked aka babbling" to me when maureen and i were talking.......there are some t.v. shows that i like and can relax watching on tonight......