monday mumblings.......

well last night was not a good night at all! i still had much much physical pain...add into that the auditory and visual hallucinations and some o.c. stuff....then add into a horrible nightmare...and then could not find anything on t.v. to watch that would let me kind of escape.....so here it is 4:30 in the afternoon and i am hoping that i might take a nap and with that nap can escape for even a brief bit all of the stuff going on in my mind!
i saw nan today and she like i is really really concerned....she is going to call my psychiatrist to see if he suggests one of my medications being raised or letting me have a very small anti -anxiety medication...she is going to call pat my case manager to fill him in about things.....she is thinking that i might need to go into the hospital since things are so chaotic and manic thinking and with the hallucinations and all. i really do not want to go! i know why she is thinking of the hospital. holidays are hard but wow even more hard in a hospital. i though know it is really getting hard to function with all of the chaos going on. i asked her on a scale of 1 - 10 where would she rate today my needing to go inpatient and she said 6. i am concerned about the what will need to happen if i go in...such as gracie having to be boarded. she does great at for paws but it is another expense that my mom will have to pay for.....if i am in on thanksgiving will mom still go over to my friends house? i would realy want her to go...plus we are taking some food...two pies...rolls...dried corn...coffee,,,,
i am not sure what else to say but due to all that is going on if i do not post for a few days most likely i am inpatient and most likely at mount carmel hospital. phewwww..............can i come up with any lj's for so far today? hmmm...........my ride going home on mainstream was one of my favorite kind drivers...bubble gum.....having a computer......some library books that i have not read yet......and a big joy is that i trust nan and know she wants what is best for me and she is wise and caring and understands about lots of pyschiatric illnesses...and another lj even though she is really getting on my nerves today deep down i am really grateful to have gracie....