Very angry with self........

because yesterday and today I am NOT happy at all with my food intake and choices and such. I am not sure why it has seemed to go down hill.......I know that I am dealing with lots emotionally and maybe I am trying to stay in my head too much and not feel things.......wondering if it has to do with my cycle (not trying to share tmi just sharing) yet if so then my cycles are really messed up.......I am really frustrated is the bottom line. I was doing so good for me and now.......I am thinking that I should try NOT to concentrate on the bad bad bad thoughts going on in my brain and try TO concentrate on what changes I can make and how I CAN do things to make choices that are good. It also might have to do with depression or a down cycle with bi polar because I slept many hours today......last night I slept around 12 and then slept from 4 -8 and made myself get up so that I would sleep tonight and am already wanting to go back to bed. I need to call my psychiatric doctor and let her know some things and am NOT looking foward to that at all.......the postitive is that I can leave a message.

Ups and Downs.......

Life has been intense lately better wording is that it has continued to be intense. I did have a great time today with my nephew and wife and some of their kids. Yesterday in therapy I realized again how much I need to widen my social relationships yet just not sure how to go about that all at times with all my issues. Will mentioned to start opening up more to people about what mental illness(s) I have.One thing that I think that I am going to do is to try going back to the eating disorders support group....I am creating some new friendships with people via the blogs which is great. Food last night and today has been not so good. I really need to get back on track with drinking more water...small frequent meals and/or snacks. I am glad that today is my last day of work before my " weekend" which is S, M, and T's.

I am so tired.......

it is almost hard to think since I was awake all night! I am maybe going to catch a bit of a nap. Food today has been alright so far....am going out to eat with my Mom before I go to work so that will be good. We either go to Bob Evans or Windchimes so am sure tonight it will be Bob Evans and either place I can get good and healthy and food that is satisfying. I am glad that we are doing that so that I will be less tempted to eat junk food at work. Today was an incredible busy day with two appointments and leaving at 8:30 a.m. which is SO early for me since I normally early for me is 10:00 to wake up. God is good and got quite a bit out of my therapy session with Will. God has for sure given Will the heart and mind of a incredible therapist. Thank you God for Will. My appointment with my psychiatric doctor was fair I was shown again I think today that it is time to find another one...I have an appointment set up in September for one of the doctors at Center For Eating Disorders and so will see how that goes before I tell my current doctor that I am not going to be seeing her anymore. I think at times it can be good and at times not so good but I am one who is not willing to just sit back and have the doctor tell me to take this or that without any input from me. I feel a nap calling me......................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I hope for a bit before work.

Back to work.................

today. I have enjoyed having 3 days that are work days instead of 4 yet this week I was not able to pick up extra hours so this next pay will have fewer hours. I am very glad though that I was able to go to the women's meeting at Cooper Rd last night and my mom really enjoyed it also. Sarah Carlisle (sp?) did a fantastic job! I am determined NOT to order pizza today! I ordered it a couple of times this last week and did NOT binge on it which is great YET I ended up wasting food which is something I do NOT like to do....I can be a pizza snob and not liking it reheated and such. I have continued to feel VERY sad yet trying to do like my therapist has suggested and let myelf FEEL my feelings and not numb with food or any of the other coping mechanisms that are not healthy. My frustration today is that I think that I am getting an ear infection which for me because they often turn bad quickly and that I will need antibiotics so back to the doctor most likely going to see how it is tomorrow....yet frustrated at self because I was just at the doctor and thought I wonder if I am getting an ear infection and probably would have been wise to had it checked out when I was there. Yesteday I got to talk to 2 of my nephews which was great and got to hear how their kids going back to school went and my nephew Jordan is teaching at a different school this year and how tht was so far and such....it looks like Jerah and Cindy and some of the kids can meet mom and I for lunch on Saturday which will be fun. I want to hear more from Hunter how kindergarden is (when I asked him yesterday on the phone) he just mainly shook his head yes or no which of course being on the phone I could not see....and then Kati is about 13 months now so she is always changing and is crawling and walking along thing now. It would be fun to see the older 3 boys but probably will not...two of them it is their weekend at their dad's and the oldest one will probably be busy doing his own thing. I am eager and nervous to meet with someone at Victory's next week to find out different things I can do besides swimming to exercise. I am also eager to meet Nancy who I have gotten to do some through our blogs so meeting her next week also. I think both of those things are things that God is putting together for me. I had a bit of trail mix and I think that I am going to make some stir fry before going to work and I need to call Jerah and such......

a long day................

i was either waiting for my rides to and from the two appointments i had today or waiting to see my doctor and then a therapy appointment so left home at 1:00 p.m. today and got back around 7:00 p.m. and my appointments were at 2:30 and then at 5:00. i did take a few little snacks to eat yet it would have been better to pack a lunch. last night was a rough night with food yet it does seem that overall my rough nights and times are fewer and with less less binging.

after swimming..........

I am back from swimming....I did some laps walking across the pool and did a few swimming but by the time I was ready to swim the pool was getting full of people exercising so it was kind of hard to swim around people but did get some exercise. I am taking a risk for me next Monday I asked if someone who works there would show me what exercises would be good for my arms and also if I could safely walk on a treadmill.......it is a risk for me because I get very nervous when I am around people who are really in shape and such and I think that if I say I cannot do something that they think that I am being lazy when in reality either it is because of my pain level or because of having some balance issues and such and with walking with a cane.......even though it is something that will be hard for me emotionally I think it will have so many positives that I will push myself to keep the apppointment. One thing that was kind of hard to deal with for me today was a friend of Clara's came to the pool.......I spoke to her and introduced my Mom who was with me and then went to the other end of the pool was not wanting to talk to her much being concerned she would bring up Clara and just did not want to get into it all in a public place....but left being happy with self that I took care of myself. I am thinking tonight that I might buzz up some frozen fruit with some yogurt and maybe a dab of low cal Cook Whip......I am thinking that I will stir fry something also.................next on my todo for today is cleaning the patio and the desk that my computer is on.........

Windchimes........

is one of my favorite places to eat and it has become my mom and i's tradition on sunday afternoon after she gets out of church. i was really happy with myself that I ate about half of the entree and brought the rest of it home because i have started to get kind of full after the hot and sour soup which is a favorite and with the combo you get an eggroll and one chicken wing... we went to trader joe's and i picked up some more larabars which are now becoming something i eat once or twice a day...they are yummy i think and good for you just fruit and nuts in the ones that i get which are cherry mainly and sometimes apple. i am so stoked that i found my bathing suit! i have lots of boxes around and things on top of things since i brought lots of things over from my mom's place and so buried underneath a few things there it was. i am hoping to go swimming tomorow. i am quite happy that today started my " weekend" and i am off work until thursday. i think this will be (for now) the last wednesday i ask bobbi jo if she wants to work and get back to my regular schedule. i wanted off this week to go to the women's meeting at vineyard cooper rd and my mom enjoys going also so like for the two of us to be able to do that. i think i am more stable as far as the mental illness(s) go - thanks for all of the prayers...as my friend john often says...life is hard and God is good...amen to that.

see..................

other blog for today's post.........www.riggsli61.blogspot.com

Happy bit of information..............

that I got today when I was at CFED for my appointment with Will...I lost 9 more pounds! My food has not been totally great and some days it has been really bad but I can tell that even though some days are rough that overall I am eating better then I used to. I am anxious to start exercising to see how much that will help in many ways.....treating my body better...helping with taking off weight...having an outlet for pent up energy and/or emotions. It was a very intense session with Will today but very fruitful. I think if I remember right this makes it 20 pounds that I have lost. Tonight I am feeling better and not in so much pain so hoping after watching some of the shows that are on tonight that Gracie and I will have a long walk.....we both could use it. Tomorrow I am off from work so really going to try to get some stuff done around my place. I do not mean to label food bad or good it is just the wording I use when I have treated my body kind with what I have eaten or have not on a certain day or not made the best choices that I could have made.

ROUGH DAY................

I am having a really rough day.......yet it will yield good fruits I trust. I do not do great at feeling feelings yet again I am learning and God is bringing up some very very deep wounds that need to be brought to Him and to myself to process. It is too intense and t.m.i. for a blog to get into it all but I will share that in some areas of my life I am just now waking up and as I wake up I go between thinking holy crap and oh God oh God oh God and then am full of sadness and anger and hope and fear and exitement......today so far the only thing that I have eaten is a pint of ice cream so food today has not been good at all. It is almost 10:00 p.m. yet I think I should eat something with protein or veggies or fruit or something so think that I will go try to do so. I also though do not do good at food when I am in extreme pain which has also been going on today and since a few hours ago I let myself take some pain medication it has gone from like a 9 to about a 6 so that is good. I do not mean to whine but just want to explain that when I talk about physical pain I am not talking about needing to take like a motrin I am talking that I am supposed to take heavy duty narcotics every day to help get through the day. This thought that has come to mind is I am not remembering the whole verse and if someone reading does please share that with me and that is the scripture that we should do all that we can to be at peace with all men and I think that the verse also means that we humans should aim to be at peace within ourselves....agree?

Sunday Morning

I had another decent day of food yesterday....decent meaning no binging but should have eaten more ( sounds funny) but i can go without eating for a long period of time also but yesterday i ate 2 protein bars and then trail mix and a sugar free fudgsicle and that was it from about 11:00 a.m. - 11:00 p.m. I REALLY need to get to Giant Eagle to get their brand Crystal Light so that I will start drinking as much water as would be good for me.One thing just yesterday God has me doing is when I am battling with wanting to either binge or not eat for long period of times praying for others who battle with ed. God is SO faithful even when I am not with reading His word and such. I did get up early enough today to be going to church with my mom today...............more thoughts but need to finish getting ready to go.............more later................

Thursday.....................

Thanking and praising God who helped me be able NOT to binge! I have been having much going on with dealing with some symptoms of my mental illness the p.t.s.d. and today wanted to binge big time and ended up calling on God and was able NOT to order the pizza NOT to walk to Walgreens for ice cream and instead was able TO eat fruit and TO eat protein and felt great afterwards and was able to stop! I plan tomorrow or soon to start on the Vermella drops.

Sunday afternoon

I am back after spending the afternoon with my mom...we went to our regular lunch place on Sundays which is Windchimes....great food and very good prices. We went to the Avenue store close to Sawmill and she was very kind and bought me some shirts that I really needed and then we went to Trader Joe's and to Krogers. My food choices were really good ones I think and Krogers had on sale their brand fudgesicles which are sugar free that taste great and satisfy my cravings for ice cream often times and I did not get regular ice cream since I had gotten the fudgesicles. I hope to get to the point of my doing almost all of my shopping at Trader Joe's and then shop for the other items I use at Giant Eagle and sometimes I have gotten good buys at Target and the Dollar Tree has some great food buys sure lots of it is candy and cookies but they do have things such as really good trail mix and nuts at times and such. One thing that I am really happy about today is that I get to be a home body these next couple days...I like times when like today I do not have to get out to do anything until Tuesday afternoon and then after that I do not have to be anywhere until I go to work on Thursdays...every so often I really really like hanging out at home by myself just me and my Gracie...getting lots done (I hope) with my place and with laundry and relaxing and spending more time with God are the goals for these next few days...............

11:49 p.m. deep sigh................

Today was not a great day with food but it was not horrible either. I have gotten into a routine of eating things that are quick to make aka using the mircowave or need no preperation and I need to start cooking more. I really want to bake some bread yet with this hot weather and no a.c. it would be best to wait when it gets more fall like temperatures. I am really tired tonight and Mainstreamwas over an hour and a half late to pick me up from work and take me home....that is not common but it seems like when stuff like that happens it always happens when I am really tired and eager to go home and if I had known that they would be that late then I could have stayed on the phones and made some money while I waited. I am determined to make a list and do a big shopping trip next weekend after I get paid and get staples stocked again and look up recipes to try and things that I like so I will get my food back in control well better then it has been this week.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so frustrated with my food intake!!! I ate ice cream two days this week and it was too much ice cream and also with trying to cut out sugar was not good to eat it two times this week. I am working on food in therapy and hope tomorrow to focas on how often I stuff my anger with food and sometimes sad still with food but often times it is anger and anger from past more then the present.