Better Day

Today has been a better day so far.......I slept off and on but alright.......I had my appointment with Nan and it went well.......my mom and I ran a couple errands......I met with Erin my case manager and am back home now for a couple hours until I leave to go to small group tonight. I realized even more when talking with Nan that my bipolar is really bad right now which in a funny way is calming to me to know that it is something that is chemical in my brain instead of my emotions being kind of out of whack.

11 reasons I think that I am sobbing again....in no order

1. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT AND AM FRUSTRATED AT MY FOOD PATTERNS AND FAILURES.
2. I REALLY WANT TO BE "NORMAL" OR EVEN "AVERAGE" MEANING NOT SO SO MANY MENTAL ILLNESSES AND PHYSICAL PROBLEMS.
3. I NEED AND WANT A JOB.
4. I MISS WILL.
5. I WANT AND NEED TO SERVE JESUS BETTER.
6. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ALONE THE REST OF MY LIFE YET THINK THAT I WILL BE...MEANING AS IN HAVING A PARTNER.
7. I WOULD LIKE TO NOT MISS CLARA AS MUCH AS I DO.
8. I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP MY PLACE CLEAN AND HAVE IT BE SOMEWHAT "NORMAL" OR "AVERAGE"
9. I NEED TO START MY BOOK AND GET OUT OF MY HEAD WHAT I AM TO WRITE AND KNOW THAT I AM TO WRITE A BOOK.
10. I WANT TO HANG OUT MORE WITH PEOPLE.
11. I DO NOT WANT TO END UP BACK IN THE HOSPITAL.

Only thing that I would like to add to this is that if you are a praying person I would REALLY APPRECIATE the prayers....if you read this if you could comment even to say that you have read this.

sunny sunday afternoon............................

it is a gorgous day.....blue clear sky filled with the sun shining....today so far has been an up and down day yet more ups than down.....went to church this morning and i had a great time checking in the kids for first service and then attended the second service....great worship and great teaching and i really felt like i heard from God about some things...so i hope that i remember when i fall into old habits and patterns....mom and i got together for lunch - it was a difficult time because mom had one of her hard times swallowing and food getting stuck in her throat. it was the worse that it has ever been at least when i am around...scarey for her and for me. i think that she will do better now at not eating things that seem to cause the problem such as breaded meats...most breads of any kind...i see in many ways she is acting older and that i need to tell her things such as what she should not eat and such. yesterday was a good day and then last evening out of the blue or at least it seemed that way that i had one of my crying jags so that was frustrating. i did get lots done yesterday and am hoping to motivate myself tonight to get more done yet have a feeling i will wait until tomorrow or tuesday knowing me. i had a moo latte at dq today and very good but way more sugar than i should have....but with mom's problems i did not eat much lunch so i think that i was kind of still hungry....still would have been better to make another choice....

saturday afternoon

Yesterday was a good day...and I am so happy to think that today is going to be a good one also. My mom was kind and generous to pay for Gracie to be groomed yesterday so she has her summer look....she looks so different though because this time they even cut the hair off of her ears and tail so she does not have the pigtail look on her ears and the fan look on her tail....hard to explain unless one has seen her before. Mom and I used a coupon she had to buy one dinner get one free at Noodles and the food was really good! I would go back there again I think and so did Mom. We picked up Gracie after a late lunch and then drove to Urbana in the evening to see Ruth. I stayed in the car with Gracie while Mom went in to visit her and Mom said that she seemed overall to be in a good mood and looked good...Terri and her mom and aunt were going to visit her last evening as well so Ruth was having a very busy evening. Gracie loves to ride and is so so good when she rides....we picked her up at 4:30 p.m. and after going to Urbana we stopped at Giant Eagle and got home around 9:15 p.m. and she did not bark once and did not have to get out to go or anything....we had stopped to give her water and an cheeseburger before leaving Columbus since she had been at the groomers all day.
I am really frustrated about food and eating and all that goes with that...emotions and such. I think that I am going to check into how expenisive Optifast is at OSU thinking if I did that a month or two that would shrink my stomach plus get a jumpstart again on losing weight and then go back to a a food plan to continue to lose weight...also might check into Jenny Craig or something like that. I want and need to start praying before I eat and when I get hungry and ask Him what I should or should not eat because I have really seen how on my own I just cannot do this...this being eating healthy and losing weight and such....I am grateful that today is a good day as far as the bipolar and other mental health stuff. OH I know what else I do have a job interview on Tuesday....would appreciate prayers about that.
Monday is going to be a very busy day for me....I have therapy with Nan at 1:00 p.m. and mom is picking me up from Worthington because I need to stop at COVA to get a copy of my resume on good paper and such for the interview on Tuesday and then I meet with my case manager at 3:00 p.m. and then going to the potluck at small group.

: ( another really rough day

I would like to be able to figure out why these crying jags are going on and on and on....again today I have been crying more of the time then not. It is really getting to me.

Better Day......................

for which I am quite grateful for...I ended up crying yesterday for about 4 hours plus last evening. I know that there is lots going on and lots of concerns I have yet I think last night after I stopped crying and after I had a really sweet conversation with Mom I realize that my bipolar is kicking my butt so am going to call my doctor tomorrow and see about upping or changing meds or something....I would have called him today but he is not in the office today. I did go put in a application at Delve and all of the interactions I had with people there everyone seems very nice and kind. I had stated earlier this week that I wanted to start thinking of lj's every day....so here are a few....today it had stopped raining by the time i had to go outside to get my ride.....i finished a book that i was reading that was really good....having a really fun time with Gracie playing with one of her squeeky toys which we call her baby and it talks and she gets so exited....eager to see American Idol tonight with all of the variety of performers who will be on. I was pleased to know that the fund raising that American Idol is doing is helping so many people some in Africa and some here in America and such.
Yesterday I went to Victory's to swim....and got very frustrated because of the pain level I was in that I did get to exercise some but had hoped to do more.....but between the pain level and then there was a woman there who I knew from Clara and she is one of those people who talk and talk and talk and talk and one can hardly say anything and so we were both exercising in the pool but she talked for about 45 minutes and I maybe said two or three sentences and I get in such a internal battle what to do because I do not want to be rude and just walk away but neither do I want to just listen to someone talk about people and what they did to her and such and I just realized as I am writing this that God showed me that by my listening to her I knew how to pray for this woman who seems to be very lonely and very sad and somewhat bitter. I canceled my rides for tomorrow to go though because I have decided that I need to go at a time when she will not be there in order for me to focus on what I am there for and for me to not get bitter about her. i really do want to care and not be mean or hard hearted but maybe my tolerance is less then this week because of the bipolar issue and also my cousin wrote me a long email and tends to want to stir up trouble between people and bash people and I have really really struggled with how to answer her email...I just need to ask Jesus to be my words. I need to write some emails and then get ready to settle down and watch American Idol...not sure at all who will be voted off...I am thinking Lakesha or Chris not that I think that they are bad singers at all just trying to think of who is less popular it seems.

bad day..............

Yesterday evening and night and today have been rough.....not sure what else to say.

lj's in life

I decided yesterday that I need to start daily thinking of lj's.....lj's are little joys...they are the thigs that make a day better yet are not huge and are little things that touch ones heart or add to one's day such as a great conversation with a frind...such as yesterday for me a couple of lj's were....Lucy Hickman let me hold her and she is such a sweet sweet baby.....the weather was so nice yesterday with the sun shining....Stacy one of the woman who goes to the same group I go to on Monday evenings at Jeff and Teresa's home let me borrow a book of a favorite author of hers and I am really enjoying the book...so things like that. I had a phone call from my nephew Brendan last night and he shared some exiting news....he asked Courtney his girlfriend to marry him and she said yes so I am exited for him. I have not met her and actually none of our family has met her thought he has spent time with her family they both live in Florida right now is the reason we have not met her....they are thinking of September and I was so happy to find out that they are thinking of moving to Columbus in the summer or fall of 2008 for Brendan to get his masters at OSU. I was also very touched and blessed and again amazed at God's goodness...someone I know just a bit from talking to her on Sundays told me she felt God wanted her to help me some with money since she knows I am not working well here is showing how good God is there was a bill I needed to pay this week and I knew that I did not have the whole amount to send and the amount that God led her to share with me was just shy of $7.00 that I needed so I was able to pay that bill. Thank you God.

Beautiful day.................

sunny sky and warmer temperature and kind makes one thing that spring might be here. Last evening I spent time over at Charles and Maureen's home praying for the voting in Nigeria today. One really felt the power of God there. I enjoyed meeting some people who I did not know. I enjoyed of course holding Constance....she is such a beautiful baby and also a happy and social one. Today I woke up and found myself crying again and not sure why if it is bipolar stuff or is it because I am feeling so very overwealmed in almost every area of my life. I do not think that I mentioned that since last Sunday when John prayed for my legs the numbness has almost totally been gone and my pain has been lots less also.Thank you God. I wanted to ask if you read this if you would be pray for a dear dear sweet woman her name is Ruth and she is I think 93 and was just diagnosed with bone cancer. She is the grandma of Terri who is married to my nephew Jordan and Terri is very very close to Ruth she has been both like a mother and grandmother to Terri. The doctors seem postive yet at age 93 one is worried. I was reminded of that verse cast all your cares on God for He cares for you....so I need to do that with my worries about Ruth and also about my own situations. Thank you God for reminding me of that.

Bipolar swings.....................

are something that are so very frustrating to me. I had a really good day yesterday and today I keep crying and crying and feeling overwealmed and sad and I really really miss Will because even when I did not need to talk to him it helped being able to leave him a message with what was going on.We did get out for a little bit today with Mom and I stopped in Target and they had a dog leash and collar for $2.50 and a toy for Gracie for the same price so that was fun to get. I even stayed calm and did not tell mom and did not cry till I got home about some adult woman pointint me out to the child she was with and saying that is when you use the work big...and I am not sure why it bothered me so much since I mean I know that I am big or fat or obese or whatever word one prefers and it would not even have bothered me as much if a child said that but I guess to have an adult point me out and then say something like that to a child like encouraging the child to say something it bothered me. I have got to clean and do laundry tonight..

Happy Day

I am so thrilled because starting yesterday afternoon and is still continuing on I have been happy and peaceful and so so so much better then I was! I could just feel inside prayers were being said for me which I am so very grateful for! I had an appointment with Dr. Hill today and it went really well....Dr. Hill is the director of CFED and is such a wise and compassionate woman. I saw her because of Nan (current therapist) being out sick and Dr. Hill was concerned with Will's leaving and with spring being here with my bipolar and all that she offered to see me and it looks like Nan will be back next Monday but Dr. Hill already set me up for an appointment to see her next week in case Nan is still out sick. I just feel so supported and cared about at CFED. Gracie is enjoying the good weather though not real pleased that the grass is getting mowed in my comples.....plus there is a dog in the complex across the parking lot from where my building is and Gracie and the other dog keep "talking" so in order to not drive my neighbors crazy with the barking she is having to come inside some.
I keep thinking like many people about what happened in Virginia....I just pray God that people wil turn to you for comfort and that those people who love you God will share you with those asround them. God help us all who are wondering Why God Why and help us turn to you with our questions and feelings eveb when we do not understand...and some questions we may never have questions for in this lifetime on earth. One thing that I get so concerned about when something like this happens is that the media feeds into the fears many have about people with mental illness(s) ......yes there are people that if they are not being treated with support and medications do bad things very very things yet there are many many more people who struggle with mental illness(s) treated and not treated that are NOT violent and do NOT do bad things to people and who would NEVER act out...the only other think that I can think of right now to add is to encourage us all to continue to pray for all that are affected by the event in Virgina.

another really rough day...............

i keep crying and crying and crying and crying and my mind keeps going and going and going and going and i am starting to hallucinate both visual and oral ones and i keep within my mind it keeps going and going and going and going on the same subjects one is math problems or missing will and being really scared that he is not our therapist anymore or that i think that i am really close to having to go in the hospital and wtihout will here and with my new therapist off with pneumonia that i would have to go thru the e.r. which takes so so much time and it is not the best place to be the e.r. when having an emotional breakdown which sounds funny i know but is especially hard when they do not give you any medications to help while there waiting to know if you will get in and if you do often times it is a wait of a few hours and such. i am going to my group tonight and it will be hard to be out of my place but i think it will in the end be a good choice or i hope so. i argued with mom today which i feel like such a creep for but when i am in these whatevers going on i am bitchy often times with people who i know are going to be there no matter what it seems. food has been bad today....the only thing that i have eaten is raw cookie dough...and oh no i have not cleaned which my place is desperate for.....tomorrow i have an appointment with cory my career developer so have a couple of ideas but will try to look online tonight or tomorrow to see what job ads i can spot....my mom found a tip for my cane at a drugstore today so that will help me...i just need to go with her or have her take my cane to make sure we get the size i need. thats it for now...........

ROUGH COUPLE OF DAYS................

It has been a really rough couple of days with physical pain being acute....my mental illness(s) being more visable and more acute.......feeling depressed and down about no job......even though I would not want to be partners with Clara again I am missing her insight and friendship and also thinking of her because today is her birthday. It was good to get out to church today and I was blessed many ways there today. My food has been REALLY BAD and I do not remember it being this bad in many months. It is about 6:45 p.m. and I am thinking of calling it a day and taking some magazines and a book or two to bed and my journal and cuddling with Gracie and watching some mindless television. It has been cold and windy here today....so another good reason to cuddle under the blankets and such...hot chocolate sounds so good but I have eaten enough sugar for today I think or at least for now I have....question Andrew when you read this can you remind me if you are on eastern standard time or what time zone....totally off the subject but i see my puzzle book so might take that to bed to work on...tomorrow i have got to clean and clean and clean and do laundry.... oh and look at job ads in the evening is the small group that i go to and my appointment with nan was canceled because she has pneumonia and will be off all this week. she has been sick this is going on her third week i hope that she gets better soon. I was scared well no not scared better words are concerned and ??? that i was going to end up in the hospital this weekend and that would have been such strife and confusion and such since nan is off sick and now that will is out of town i would had to go through the e.r. and that is not the greatest thing when one is not really bad fof mental health let alone when one is though i will say that mount carmel does do the best place of all of columbus and is the best floor to be on if one has to be in a psychiatric hospital....i really really need to remember my morning medications. well my wind is racing and weary and my body is screaming for some attention so going to go take some pain medication and rest and try to hold off on my night time meds for at least two hours becase if i take them this early i will wake up in like around 3 a.m. and then my whole sleep schedule will be screwed for a day or two......

NOT a good few days!

It has been a really really rough couple of days with food and my binge eating and my depression and my physical pain and with not having a job...my food has not been this bad in months. I think lots of it has to do with changes such as Will not here in Ohio anymore...I really thought that the job that I went to the second interview for that I would get that...I also know part of it is not taking all of my medications thinking that if I miss a dose every few days then the medications will last longer and I do know that this is not a wise plan that I am doing....I also know when my stress is way way high then sometimes my thinking is not my best. I know that I cannot miss my evening medication or the pain medication so it is the other 3 that I skip some days. I told myself that I need to start taking my medications the way that the rx is written. It is a rainy rainy day! I slept lots last night...it is another way that I can tell that my depression is more lately. I am so frustrated with myself I have so so much I have got to do around my place and have the time and it keeps getting moved to another day.....I need to spend time in the Bible and am not doing that....." this is the air i breathe your holy presence living in me...this is my daily bread this is my daily bread your very word spoken to me and I AM DESPERATE FOR YOU AND I AM LOST WITHOUT YOU......" (worhip song BREATHE not sure who wrote it).

No job yet......

I had my 2nd interview with Teleperformance today....I got there and I got to listen to some of the calls coming into the section of Teleperformance that I was interviewing for....I thought that the interview went really well as did Cory my job coach....after the interview the woman who interviewed me walked us back to human resources and said that they would fill me in on everything...so was thinking then that I got the job....we waited about 20 minutes and then a woman from h.r. came out and took me back and told us that she apologized for the wait but h.r. wanted to hire me for the position and the supervisor in the section I had the 2nd interview with did not think that I had enough experience.....so h.r. said that they would keep my application on file and if any other departments needed help she would consider me. I was so sure and so was Cory that I would get the job we both left kind of like well did not expect that....so I got home around 4:00 p.m. and let Gracie out for a moment and crawled into bed and have been watching mindless television.....I need to sometime here soon pray and let myself feel all that I am feeling.....I was thinking earlier today that I think I want to just be here with Gracie and not leave till Sunday to go to church....I do need to clean lots and also need to do laundry and such but I guess for whatever reasons I am really kind of feeling like hibernating....even if I do totally hibernate for a few days I will get online and look at want ads for jobs....well that is all for now....

Emotional Hangover..............

is what I seem to have today. Yesterday was such a busy and stressful day for me. I had my interview and it went well...they wanted to hire me for a f.t. tech position but I cannot do f.t. plus even if they had a p.t. position in the tech area I cannot make that much money. I have a second interview tomorrow for a job in one of the customer service areas. I also had my first session with Nan who I will be seeing now that Will has left...it went fine and I was doing really alright with the changes yesterday and then today wham I find myself in tears lots about everything...if I get the job am I going to really be able to do a couple of weeks f.t. while in training?....i really miss Will today....last night our small group went to Bryden Place and I walked out of there really sad and concerned for the residents and such and also saw some things that scared me.....and I think last night and today I have been really scared that some day that will be me in a place like that. I really have got to clean and do laundry but in reality I just want to crawl back in bed and call it a day.....................but that will not help anything if I do that so will try to get some stuff done today..............

Endings and Beginings................

Yesterday and today I find myself thinking lots about beginings and endings....my last appointment with Will was yesterday and so an ending in my life and then on Monday I start meeting with Nan so a begining in my life. Will is leaving Ohio and moving to California and is getting married in May so another ending in his life both as a single man and one who lives in Ohio and then begining a life in California and will be a married man soon. I am going to the calling hours today for Mike son-in-law of Fred and Nancy and Mike's life has ended on this earth yet has began in heaven...yet many people including Anya his wife and both of their families face a begining of living without Mike. Last evening Mom and I went to the Good Friday Service at the Cooper Road Vineyard and thinking lots of Jesus's last hours on this earth and his new begining and ours as believers when He rose from the dead.......the song that I have been singing in my head is now sure if this is the right title but it goes..."Glory in the Highest"....I still find myself and I hope that I never lose how I am amazed at how the creator of the universe wants to talk with us humans and loves us so so so very much. Oh I also have an interview on Monday so hope that will find me with another new beginning a job and the ending of my time without a job.

Tears and tears and then more tears

I find myself full of lots of feelings today...sad and scared are the main ones I think. I did go to COVA today and met with Cory and we set up an interview for Monday with a inbound call center. If I do get the job it will be very very intense during training which is full-time for 3 weeks! I am not real thrilled with my career developer yet I do not want to make waves and/or have to get used to another person. My pain level is better today so am grateful for that. I keep focasing on Will leaving Ohio...and again I am quite grateful and thankful for all of the wisdom and care he has given me and my system yet we will really miss him and besides that change is something that is very hard for me and my parts to deal with. I have mentioned Mike the young man who had cancer - his physical body can rest now he died last evening. Please keep Anya his wife and her family and his in your prayers. I really really need to start cleaning.....have to find where I put my W2 form so that I can do my taxes...I am sure that I will owe this time which then is another stress on how will I pay for them....since I am having to borrow money to buy groceries. It is the kind of day where I would like to just crawl into bed and call it a day but that is not a wise thing to do.....oh I know something else I wanted to mention it is in the 30's today!!! yes it is 40 some degrees colder then yesterday! I was really touched earlier today when I had to go to the doctor on Monday I had to see one of the doctor's that I had not seen....because my doctor had a full schedule all week...well the office called today because he wanted to check on how I was doing which I thought was quite kind of him. It is a day like today where I wish I lived in a town like Andrew does and hang out with him and some of the people he hangs out with.... I also know that I need to hang out with more people...if I had a few dollars I would walk over to the bookstore and hang out but even though lots of people go over and hang out and read and do not buy anything even a cup of coffee I feel funny doing that.I was also thinking earlier today in the space that I am in it would be easy to use but that will only really mess things up....I would be throwing 15 some years down the toilet which would not be good and I would be so upset with myself after I did that! O.K. the phone is ringing again and I have had lots of calls lately where I did not make it to the phone in time and whoever does not leave a message and I just checked and no message and this is probably the 5th time at least today that it has happened! Well guess that is it for now...............................

Pain.....................

is still intense in my lower back...I did take one of the muscle relaxers about an hour ago and have not felt it helping yet....I just now took some of my regular pain medications and it usually takes about an hour or two to kick in since it is a longer acting one. I get a bit nervous when I have to take so much medication for physical things since I never ever want to go back to abusing medications like I did about 15 years ago or so! I am really frustrated because with not working I have lots of time to get things done yet due to physical issues I do not feel like doing things like cleaning my place. It is a beautiful day...nice and warm and sunny. Did anyone happen to see the moon last night? It was beautiful! Tonight I am going to the support group for eating disorders in Worthington. I have been thinking of trying to start a eating disorder support group for people who go to Central Vineyard and others who would want to join in....have lots of ideas about it so probably soon will try to post about what I am thinking and wanting feedback also. I also wanted to mention something......when I rode Mainstream yesterday there was a woman Cathy who I knew from years ago who we went to a small group of jh together.....she is blind and I think Cathy is in her 30's and she lives around the Morse Road and High Street area...sweet woman. She is looking for a roommate and is looking for someone who is a believer who is not into partying and such. Cathy works and is quite self sufficient so the roommate would not need to help her but it would be nice for her to have someone who is willing say if it snowed to shovel and such. If anyone reading knows of anyone please let me know and I will give them Cathy's email address and such. Cathy right now attends Grace Brotheren Church....she would also like to find a small group to go to from some church like Vineyard Cooper Rd or Central Vineyard so wanted to menton that also.

oops forgot a positive that i found out........

at the e.r. is that in the last two months i have lost 12 pounds! yeah yeah yeah! and also i went the whole month of march without pizza! i am not trying to say pizza is awful it is just a binge food for me so that is why i am trying to stay away from it. just wanted to mention that while i was thinking of it.

monday afternoon..........

and i am back from having therapy and my doctor appointment and two runs to the pharmacy and such. i went to my own doctor'f office...could not see my regular doctor but at least got to be seen. he said that where i was so tender in my back it typical for kidney infections so thought that the best thing to do is for me to take a week of antibiotics even though it did not show up at the e.r. and i had to pee in a cup and he was going to test it again even though nothing showed up at the e.r. so got that rx filled and the muscle relaxers and he said that those were fine with him if i used them so still very achey but not the acute pain. i call the doctor on friday if the pain is still here...friday is my last session with will sad,scared and nervous not having him et i am so so very happy for him and alex and that they can finally live together in california and i am happy that alex is getting work in l.a. as an actress....she even got a little part of one segment of scrubs so that is cool! will has so so much to give and God has gifted him so much and i feel so very very blessed to have been able to seen him for about about a year and a half and it has changed my life!
i missed doing the sign in table on sunday since i had missed mainstream due to the medication that they gave me in the e.r. and so am bummed about that and need to write some people and explain or call some people. i am going to and need to try to really hang out with people more especially in the next couple of weeks with will leaving and with the anniversary of the rape from 22 years ago coming this satuday and such and will was gently pushing that i do that.

E.R. visit

i went to the riverside e.r. last night because the acute pain had started again...and again it just ended up being really acute for about an hour and then i was left just really really sore. i was told that where the pain was is not typically where gallstones would be and perhaps it was a kidney stone so decided that i should have a catscan(sp?) well for anyone who knows me well knows that i freak and am super super clusterphobic even yes when it is an that one can see around them.................so the first time they tried i freaked really really really bad have not paniced that much in years...it was not a good time for anyone me or the people trying to do the test and i ended up dry heaving and pounding (i am told) on the outside of the machine so they were not very cool about the whole situation so they took me back to the room i was in and left me and mom had stepped out so i am stuck then in the bed with the rails up and had droppped the nurse call button so the panic attack continued...............so then my mom comes in and the nurse and the doctor and nurse had decided to give me a large dose of an anti anxiety medication thru a i.v. so that it would hit me faster and i prayed and asked mom to pray and explained to the nurse that the unrational fear was that i would get stuck in the machine and she explained how that would not happen and talked to some of the techs because then about a half hour later when they tried the test again i was fine....combination i am sure of my calling on jesus lots and lots and the mom praying and others and the medication. so there are no kidney stones and they are saying that i have strained muscles or tendons in my back and to follow up with my regular doctor. i am not a doctor yet it baffles me that pain in ones middle back that is so acute at times that it is worse then natural childbirth might be more then muscles strained. i have a rx for a muscle relaxer so that is the scoop. i am going over to my moms later on today to celebrate my sister's birthday and hopefully today or tomorow get the rx filled