Saturday Late Afternoon

It has overall been a good day. I found my cell phone last evening which was great because it was one of the freaking out I was doing. I knew it was in my home but forgot where I put it because I knew after I used it I had put it someplace where I would find it but no I could not remember and last evening found it in the purse that I was going to start using so that has made the day yesterday evening and today better...so a big joy about that. I went to group last evening and it was good. I really feel at home at Kori and John's place and find myself able to be me and even on my bad days. SO....being over there and hanging out and praying and studying the Bible and just fellowshiping and catching up what is new with people...........another lj..............went to get a b'day gift for their daughter who turnds 3 next saturday and found what I wanted at the dollar tree so another lj again...mom bought me some groceries which was good...i lost my food stamp card so have to figure out who to contact and such and i think that al my case manager can help me with that.....today was a beautiful day here it is warm with a breeze. we took gracie with us and i just went in the stores and mom stayed outside with gracie and so that worked out well...another lj because gracie LOVES to ride and is so good when we take her with us in the car.....so one thing i did realize that the more nervous that i am the more i drink pop or water and it just is becoming a habit which if i drank water all of the time would be good for me! i am trying to just keep diet pop at home. andrew mentioned about sprite vrs 7 up and i agree i do not like 7 up but on occasions i do like sprite one or the regular sprite. one more thing about food is that i have been trying not to keep ice cream here at home so I do not overeat it and today i was thinking of getting some and mom and i decided to get a dairy queen cone and i got my fill of ice cream and ended not buying at the store. i was so happy with myself about that! i am rereading this and it is kind of boring but i am happy that the freak outs and spiraling that i am having a better day today.............

rough day....................

i had a rough night and then today has been rough also..it is tmi to talk about on my blog. i am doing what i know to do to help myself. gracie is having a good day on the patio in the warm weather. hope that everyone who reads this has a good day.

Thursday................

It has been such a beautiful day outside..nice and warm and sunny and not a cloud in the sky have I seen. My day got a bit of a hassle when my cordless phone stopped working so when I get a call I have to go into the bedroom to get the other phone and by the time with my walking I miss the call and have to call the person back..but now it is working again for which I am grateful for and it for sure is an lj.
Food has been hard today...I ate mac and cheese today for breakfast so not a great start to the day and I overate. I just had some crackers again no protein so the day right now is not being a day of choices . I think that I am going to drik a slim fast here in a bit. I really want to go out to eat tonight but I do not have the money and not sure if Mom will want to go....she is out buying plants and probably running some errands.
I binged last night on of all things gummy bears and yes at my age I still really like gummy candies. I ended up eating the whole bag! I would eat like a forth at a time and then later on go back and again eat until I was thinking well I blew it this time might as well finish it off. I am now hungry for ice cream and chocolate which I do not have in the house...and hopefully get the taste of chocolate from the slim fast since it is chocolate flavored....sure it is not like real chocolate but I think will help....if anything have something that has some protein and such...i also have not tried it but got some vanilla ensure...one thing i know for sure is that each of those have to be really really cold to taste good. i think too it has to do with my cycles which now that i am in perimenapause that really affects me lots since it is on and off and such...wont get into tmi so will stop typing about it

yeah an lj soon to be is my mom called and we are going to get together. she had a large joy today with things on sale and also with a discount she was able to get four shirts and four pairs of capris for under $100.00! she has been looking and this store she found a sales clerk who had mom just sit down and she went to look for what she wanted...i think it is so great when one has someone who is willing to make the effort to help. my mom has some of the same issues with her legs hurting.she amazes me at her age. i am so so so happy for her that she was able to get some good things at great prices! she is so so giving and i like it when she is taking care of herself.
we are going to go for a ride soon........probably going to go by a fast food place to get some dinner so i will choose some protein when we go there.i hope that everyone can find some lj's in the day.................

back from borders

i had a good time at borders with al. he is so supportive and helpful too. the appointment with jfs he can go for me so that is great. it is one of the checking out how much money and such that i am getting so that my benefits can continue. jfs is always really a chaotic place! it is chaotic even when it is not busy. i just have to gather a few things for him to take with him and then he will drop it off on his way back from the appointment. al is such a good case manager....he even told me he knew how hard i worked and to stay out of the hospital when i was having that hard time. it is nice when people notice. and it is good too when a person knows if i do have to go inpatient that i still work hard.
i had one of the supreme cold drinks today and wow is it yummy even though i should think more about how much it cost and such but i tend to only treat myself to one of them a month so that is not too much right? the guys who work there are always so nice to me....they carry my drink over to tabke and even make sure to bring napkins and a straw. i am clumsy at times and now with using the walker more then i cannot carey a drink or so..i feel clumsy enough with carrying my
purse and such.
it was good to get out for a bit today. i am doing some laundry. gracie is enjoying the patio and hope for her that she does not bark much and if so i have to bring her in. it got lots warmer today. i did not need my sweater on my way home. the driver was saying just in the past hour or so it got warmer....more like spring.
i am happy that my computer seems to better so not sure why it was not but not going to try i mean i am going to try not to worry about it.
it sounds weird i am sure that i am really trying to pray not only about big things but smaller things too...in the scheme of life email is not a huge thing but to me it is a big thing and the internet also. i find myself even reading the bible on the web, one can get almost all of the translations. i find it interesting to look at a variety of translations. well the mowers are done i hope for today and gracie is enjoying the patio and i think i am going to enjoy a late lunch....should call it an early supper i guess....: )
so any lj's people want to share...lj's for me today are my blogger buddies...going to borders...a good meeting with al...knowing he will go to jfs for me... emails from friends and family....a treat with the ice coffee drink.... having nice mainstream drivers....seeing gracie enjoy the outside...and her loving to be petted. i gave her a treat outside and i think she has it already buried to look for another day....these are just a few of the things thats i am thinking of lj's about....oh and another lj is for me to be able to read the bible online.............

computer......................

my computer has been not working great the last couple of days but right now it is working fine. i just wanted to mention that to the readers so if i do not blog or comment or send emails that is the reason why.

i had a panic attack when i woke up from a loooong night of sleep. i have noticed and so has my mom that when the panic attacks are going on if i try to do something like eating a snack or drinking a pop or coffee or such it helps the panic attack slow down so that i am not so edgy. i am not thinking it is a sugar issue or body need but mom says she thinks it is my brain thinking of something else besides what is going on. now it will not always help but it works enough so that i try to remember to get a drink or a protein bar it helps. i need to drink more water than pop but still am almost all of the town drinking diet pop so that helps...and tea and coffee helps too since doctors consider those drinks be counted as water.

i meet with al my case manager today. we are going to meet at borders bookstore. it is just across the street but with the combination of it being a busy street and my walking slow with either a cane or walker it is too dangerous for me to try. it might be a good thing about not walking good enough to cross the street or otherwise i would spend lots of time and money on books and cd's and great coffee drinks. i always have joked that if i won the lottery i would want to take a truck and load up on lots of cd's and books and such. lol....if i could do that it would be a huge huge joy i think. it is sure a lj for me when i go over there even if it is just to buy coffee and watch people. it was a lj today for talking with my mom...having an email from a friend of church..got an invite for a party this weekend..not sure if i will go since it is a place that i never have gone to the house that is but perhaps i will get brave and try to get mainstream there.......i think i will ask how the steps are and things like that and then make the decision........so it is nice to be invited even if i cannot or choose not to go.............

i am so happy for andrew that his neighbor j is back. i know that they get along really well and have good times on his patio having something cold to drink such as pop or tea and just talking lots about lots of things. i hope that she continues to be in a good space. i hope that everyone who reads this has a peaceful day.

Tuesday Ramblings

i do not know much today to write about. i slept lots last night and it was so good to wake up rested. my pain level has still been acute today but helped being off of it while sleeping and resting. mom and i went out to run some errands...well i was just along for the ride. it got cool today and rainy off and on so we stopped to get hot cocoa which tasted so good! we went to the little airline in the city and looked at planes most of the planes there are either like the two seat ones or the ones that hold 10 -20 people. we saw one land but that was it.
i have got to do something to take up some of my time. i keep talking about it but than do not do anything about it....i would like to have the energy level and pain level down so that i could do some things in my place that need to be done....i will probably go to bed early and watch t.v. and such to relax my legs. i did today use the walker today again because it does help lots to take the pressure off that left knee....makes me walk slower but i am more steady for which i am grateful for that. tomorrow i see al my case manager and meet in borders so looking foward to that.
i am not sure why but gracie was so good yesterday being on the patio soaking in the sun and was not barking much at all and today maybe it is the weather is not great but she has been having to go in and out due to her barking and true it is the time people are getting home from work so that has some to do with it........i think this is a really boring post but cannot think of much to say today........

Monday..................

I am not sure if it is because of my age or what but this Memorial Day has me thinking more about war and how many of our young men and woman are dying daily in the war. I was little when Vietnam War was going on so perhaps that is why.
Last night I slept so so good such a relief! I am using the cane some and the walker more than my norm. It really helps this left knee lots. It makes me realize more that I need to get some help with this knee perhaps with p.t. or something. The knee needs replaced but due to weight issues and rehab and all of that I need to wait until I lose lots of weight.
Today it is warm and pretty even though we are expecting rain. I have the door open and Gracie is really for the most part being a good dog and not barking too much for which I am so thankful.
She loves being outside on the patio and I enjoy having her be so happy and enjoy having the door open but living in a building with 16 units I have to be aware so she does not bark too much and bother the neighbors speaking of neighbors................my neighbors upstairs seem to be really nice guys..noisey but nice. i do not feel too bad when gracie is barking a bit much because they have never complained and i think they know too that they are noisey at times too.
I wanted to answer something Soul wrote me about in a comment. I can always get rides to church with the program that I ride which is public transit for people with disabilities so that is not a problem most of the time. The problem yesterday was the pain and my walking and I had not slept. I have missed two weeks in a row so that was sad to me. I missed both times becaue of the physical pain. I think it is more acute since I fell once and tripped a few times this past week.
It is an lj to have such a warm sunny day outside even if we are expecting some rain...gracie being SO good on the patio today....having some sprite zero is good since i need to cut down on my drinking regular pop which actualy some doctors say that since diet pop has so many additives and salt that it is better in the long run to cut back on pop and when one does drink pop to have regular....i have some new shirts that my mom got me for summer and am wearing one of them today...it is pretty and she did a great job picking out ones that i would like....i am wearing a tank underneath it though today because my mom tends to keep her place cold due to her hot flashes.....grateful not to have hot flashes so far when i get one of those hormone flashes weird as it is mine are cold ones. my sister m and i tend to get werid things with our bodies and it tends to be the same type of things....o.k. i got off the subject of lj's........emails and comments from blogger buddies is another lj.....picnic food is going to be another lj. hope that everyone has a good day......................

Rough Night but Better Day

well it is not really a surprize to me and that is that i had to start walking with my walker today. i have been having a massive amount of pain with my knee. it kept me up last night. i again missed going to church due to the being up all night...fear of walking the steps at church...today once i got up and the pain medication kicked in some and i switched from walking with the cane and to the walker the day got better. i also had a big joy waiting for me on the computer when i got a email from my good friend andrew.
mom helped me with the walker to figure out if it is best to walk down the step or in the grass so going down the step it is easier to have someone hold the walker with me stepping down and then getting back up it works better for me to use the walker on the grass. i had decided i thought to go to the quick side of the e.r. where they treat things such as sprains and colds and such. i think that i sprained my knee when i fell and then tripped.
mom and i had a good time together...we ate at steak and shake and then went to watch the boats that were on the river. i think next time that we go to the river we are going to take crumbs to feed the geese. we went by to the loca airport to watch the planes but no action was happening....i am back at home and doing some laundry and playing on the computer.
i am thinking that i will make it an early time for bed and rest my legs and watch t.v. i think gracie is settling down for a nap right now. she has enjoyed the outside but she gets so barky that i have to make her come in and usually have to bribe her with a treat when it is so nice out. i hope that she is calmer later on when i let her out. speaking of gracie she was so good when i was in such pain and could not get up and down lots to have her come inside and go outside so she was in lots last night and then this morning. she ususally will sleep as long as i am either laying down or sleeping but today she was not sleeping in. i think it had to do with her going to sleep so early last night. she is such a joy and treasure in my life even when she or i are having a rough day. i am curious to see how others weekends are so going to do some blog reading.................

Back from the library.................

green color in praise of the gorgous day full of sun....warm temperature...birds singing and beautiful trees and shrubs and flowers. i sat outside for awhile at the library and enjoyed it...so some other lj's for the day.i had to bring gracie in because she was making all sorts of noise because of the birds....i do not mind but i think my neighbors would not be thrilled though the newer neighbors i have do not seem to have a problem with her like some others who one woman was just mean and grumpy to everyone.

i went to the library and enjoyed reading and people watching. i was waiting on mainstream to pick me up to go and the pain in my left knee hurt so so so bad i did not think that i could go but i did. i was glad that i went. one of my favorite drivers picked me up coming back home and we always find things to talk about. i did splurge and got a milky way freeze which is like a espresso milkshake and it is SO GOOD but so not needed. i have not eaten much today so need to eat something decent for dinner. i had way too much chocolate for me with the freeze and the cocoa at timjortons...i have eaten today 4 tim bits and then before i went to the library i ate a bagel with cream cheese....not sure whast i am going to eat tonight...the only thing that sounds good to me is popcorn...not that popcorn is bad to eat just i need to try to have that as a snack not a meal. i think i might have a frozen dinner.......maybe have a v8 too. i was thinking of a slimfast drink but again more chocolate that i do not need and they are not in the fridge yet and for me to really like them they need to be really cold.

i do not use my cell phone much but it is good to have for things such as long distance and things like that. i used it today to call my mom as i was waiting on maisntream because of having the feelings of a panic attack starring up and talking for a few minutes helped and having one of my favorite drivers pick me up. even with those things it feels good to be home and it still has been a good day. i hope that everyone has lj's today and that the rest of the weekend goes well.....share some lj's or tell me about your day........: )

10:00 a.m.

gracie and i are awake early today. it is a pretty day full of sun and nice temperature too. mom is going to take me for an errand i have to do today and she is picking us up in about 15 minutes and then we will go to tim hortons for some tim bit and hot cocoa...that seems to be our saturday a.m. ritual if we are out running errands. i slept o.k. last night had a dream that even when i woke up i kept going back to the same dream...weird huh? well off to run some errands........

Gracie................

tried to eat a BEE today! i got her to stop finally...the bee had seen its better days since it could not fly BUT it still had it's stinger and OUCH would it hurt gracie for her to be stung anywhere but especially in the mouth! I bribed her with a treat if she cam inside so she did. She has so far had a busy day. the apartment complex that faces my building had its parking lot fixed and black topped and such and they started way way early and gracie was SO upset and barking and barking and barking to the point i do not like to do and that is told her to shut up in a firm voice which she knows when i say that it means business. they got done with the parking lot late morning so after all of that she took a long nap and i decided to take a short one. she was miffed at me this afternoon because mom came by to take me shopping and i decided for her to stay at home so that mom and i could shop at the same time. i think after the exitement of the bee she is relaxing more now that we are inside.
i had a busy kind of chaotic today....dealing with the EARLY sound of trucks and the smell of tar and such and i had wanted to sleep in today. so got up to deal with gracie and i let her go outside a couple of times for a few minutes so that she can see what is going on from her peep hole in the patio where she can see out. i took a litte nap which if i had not had to get up to be ready for mom to pick me up. i went to the store and had i think a combination of a panic attack and not eating much in the day. my mom was SO supportive when to get a pop for me since i could hardly talk due to dry mouth...we shopped together for a aisle or two and then i decided to go ahead and check out and go to the car and wait. i bought another pop and a candy bar and that helped a bit. i only drank one pop during the waiting of mom in the car. so got home and of course even with a list i decided not to shop more so did not get all of my list but i can deal with not having yougurt or bread for a few days or might try to get them tomorrow at the drugstore since i have to go there anyway and they carry some of the items. so i am back home and gracie is inside and things are better.....
i got a compliment today which i am not sure what to think of it so input...opinions..my mom told me that she had talked to c one of her best friends and c had asked about me and mom told her that i was having a rough time but was able to get by without going into the hospital and c told mom to tell me she was proud of me. i guess i kind of get it that she was acknowledging my hard work which is has been BUT i do not think it is a failure on my part if i have to go inside the hospital and i am sure that c did not mean it that way at all just sometimes i think people do not know what to say when someone is struggling with mental illnesses. so with the day i have it is a good day to remember some lj's.............o.k. even thought it was LOUD this a.m. with the parking lot being blacktopped it stopped by around noon so that is an lj.....mom helping me out in the store...getting an email from a friend who i wondered if he was upset with me and he was not upset with me....a candy bar which is a rare treat that i allow myself....i have been trying to drink more water....and slow yet sure am drinking more....one of my favorite teeshirt is clean so got to wear my hot pink shirt....not buying ice cream today at the store which was a big thing for me not to do but am really trying to not keep it at home. speaking of ice cream i saw in the stores today that ben and jerrys ice cream is making individual servings. the are new so were on sale and were 3 of them for 5 dollars so that is a good price for them.....mom buying wet food for gracie today....so those are some lj's for today so far...perhaps there will be more when i get back from group....oh one more is the river radio station which i really enjoy listening to....so any people want to share their lj's?
OH i keep forgeting thanks for the ideas for breakfast. i talked with nan yesterday and she said that a protein bar is fine for breakfast as long as i eat something else within two hours of that so that is doable.............hope everyone enjoys the long weekend which for people like me since i am not working right now it is just a regular day except that i do not see nan and since she is so booked which is understandable with being off on monday i just can see her on thursday and not work in another day. i do not mind because i feel really blessed that i can see her most weeks two times.
so about food....i have not binged in awhile though overate some....i tend to be the last couple of days eating less food than i should but i think it will equal out sometime soon i hope...

thursday" thoughts

it is a beautiful day here sunny and about 65 degrees! i enjoyed sitting outside the therapist office looking at the beautiful nature and the geese who have have taken residence one has been named vinny since he likes to follow people and honk if the person does not feed him or his girlfriend. it is funny to watch them. i slipped but did not fall for which i am so grateful! i think that i am going to try to go to bed and watch t.v. to get off my legs. i really was happy that david cook won american idol. it is so interesting that in the begining he went with his brother who planned to try out and david ended up trying out and look what happened. i wonder since david won if his brother and him will work on some music projects together. it is going to be a relaxing evening i think......remember to look for lj's in your day.

Painting is done.................

at least on my patio it is. The condo association are having the spots of brick that need painted done. I asked the painter when I saw him when he was coming over so he said yesterday it would be early so Sunday evening mom and I cleaned up the patio some and i got up early for me....was dressed and all by 9:00 a.m. and it ended up they came while I was gone yesterday so that made it better with Gracie not being here barking lots but frustrating since i got up early to just wait....i saw the guy yesterday and he was nice and said that he would be around tomorrow to do some more painting and i asked what time and he said 9:00 a.m. so again today I got up early and he came around 11:00 a.m. so very glad that the painting is done but wow am i tired...a nap sounds so good right now but if i go to sleep it would be with hearing the painter guys next door moving ladders and scraping and such...mom is picking me up in the afternoon to get out some. It sure does help some when my m.i.'s are kicking in like they have been lately.
I tried something new today that I thought would be really good. I was WRONG! i made some macaroni and added some humas and it did not go togther but i did eat it and will probably try and mixing again. So any ideas for a person who does not like breakfast type food yet I know that to lose weight i need to have breakfast. I am really open to ideas just rembember that it has to be something that can be fixded on a microwave or in a tyson grill..................

Tired from....................

a busy and somewhat productive day. I did not sleep great last night so am planning on going to go to sleep early tonight. I have to get up early again tomorow. I had fun when Mom and I took some sandwiches down to the river and just sat in the car and watched the ducks and geese. Gracie was with us so I did not want to risk her falling into the riverso we stayed in the car. I am looking foward to resting my legs and watching t.v. to relad and then going to sleep early. I was really proud of myself for getting things done with all that is going on physically and emotionally. I hope that everyone is having a good evening.

Sunny Sunday.......................

it is in the 60's right now and is sunny and i am enjoying having the door open and gracie is enjoying laying in the sun on the patio. it was good last evening for mom and i to get together and we did go to bob evans..yummy salad and baked potato..and cottage cheese. i am not sure how far back it goes but i really like to have cottage cheese with a baked potato. i am still struggling today but even the bit if spring we are having today is helping me feel better. i will be good to get out with mom for our usual sunday lunch out...back to last evening she paid for my dinner which i did not expect especially since she pays when we go out on sundays but it wa an lj and a blessing. we went to a couple of stores so that she could get aleve which she prefers than advil or motrin and i went to get some luna bars which not only do they taste great to me they fill me up for a snack..and are loaded with good things not lots of chemicals.
earlier today it was a rough day..i did not make it to church which means i missed my turn at the children's sign in table. i worry about people being really mad at me and if so i am sure it is legit anger. i was having problems with the panic and such and with walking so even one of those things would make me want to not go let alone two things.
i am thinking of seeing if mom would like to stop at the library to read some magazines...it is so great that some of the libraries here have magazines one can look at....i was just thinking how much andrew would enjoy being able to read a huge variety of magazines. i know there is no way that i could afford to take the huge variety of magazines that i like to look at. i think if she is not into going to the library perhaps i can hang out at her home for the afternoon thinking it would help me to be around someone to talk to and just be with. i hope that eveyone has a really great day................

Saturday

i am so glad that mom is back from the wedding she went to and that she and i can get together. it has turned into a rough day with panic attacks and such...i even tried to calm myself down by calling nan and leaving a message and called mom and both of them i called to hear the calm voices on the voicemail...sounds really really silly even as i write this but it did help. i had decided that if mom had not called by now i would think of calling my friends j and k and see if either one could take me to the e.r to get a shot to help with the panic but knew though that being in the e.r. is not a calm place. i am hoping mom is in the mood to go someplace like bob evans for some good ole home style cooking. i must need some protein becaue i am really hungry for some meat or cheese or eggs which since i do not eat much protein and should but often times when i am craving it i can look back and know oops did not eat much protein this time or if i go to the doctor and have low iron and such...today is one of those days when it would be great to be able to get a large table at a place like bob evans and gather the blogger buddies around and sit around and most talk for hours. i think even though i have never met in person i am closer to the blogger buddies than with some of the aquaintances i have and see. a question for the readers....do you find like i that often times blogger buddies are better than some people that one sees in the day to day life? i know that having blogger buddies are always an lj and one can even say some time not just a little joy but a big joy. well mom is going to be here in a few mintues to going to finish getting ready and such.........

Saturday.................

is here and it is around noon and i am at home. i was to go to a day long training today for working with children. i was really happy about going but than yesterday found out that the steps were "wicked" so was too scared to chance falling down or up them and talked with mom and nan and they agreed with me it was not worth the risk. i am again bummed but need to take care of myself.
yesterday evening i went to the small group and it was really good time of worship and praying. it was SO cute xiu dan has this plastic birthday cake that is in pieces and has numbers on it and she wanted to sing happy birthday to me but her mom said since the meeting was going on she hasd to do it another time so where i was sitting she stood behind me in the hall and very quietly sang happy birthday to me....no it is not my birthday mine is in july. she is adorable and is getting to know me more and wants to sit wth me some times

so that being sung to was for sure an lj for me..!! mom is going to take me to the library this afternoon so that will be fun. i have starte reading a new fiction book forgeting the name right now but it is a book that nan lent to me and i found the other book that she lent me that neither one of us remembered if i had returned it to her or not. i have not even read that book all of the way and was not real into it so most likely will return it without reading it all. having books to read for me are for me are lj's that is for sure. i enjoy hearing the birds chirping and consider that another lj...well most likely will have more lj's as the day goes on that i will share later on

one more thing.............

i rethought one of the posts that i wrote so decided to erase it...i did not have any negative comments or any comments at all on it so i just felt like it was too intense right now and it is more of a one on one converstion or email. some lj's for today so far...........seeing geese at the center...talking to a kind person when i was a bit paniced that mainstream had messed up my ride.....gracie being so cute and adorable. i really like it when i am on the computer and she wants to be petted she jumps up and puts her front paws on my knees...comments on posts...going over to mom's for dinner...weather warm enough for a sweatshirt...these are a few of my lj's for today.................

pop and medications

today i was rethinking about my emailing the coca cola factory and also giant eagle and i think now that i should have just let it be so am thinking if it countinues to happen i will just let it happen and not contact anyone about it...thanks for the input that i got...and i really am thanking you not being fiipant.
i went to the psych doctor today...we lowered one of the medications...the one that makes me so sleey...we upped back to the regular dose of two of the medications...dr. w wants me to see him next week. i feel very cared about at the center. nan reminded me too that it was fine to call her and leave messages and let her know if i need for her to call me. i sometimes want her to call me but often i want to let her know what is going on and do not need a return call. it does help me even just leaving the messages knowing that she knows what is going on....when i am having the panic attacks....when other symptoms are going on and such. i really feel blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that are what i call professionals helpser since they really do help so much and do care so much.
nan alwasys good to remind me of simple things that i forget...like to eat and take with me a protein bar or two if i am going to be gone from home for awhile and since i really do better and want to keep trying to eat six times a day with mini meals or 3 meals with protein snacks. she also reminds me that it is good for me to have plans to do something even if it is little to get outside ....or talk on the phone to some friends so that stay connected with people. she reminds me it is alright to call and tell her what is going on and if i need for her to call me. my dcotor even said today if i do not have a cancel next thursday i will work in a few minutes of time to talk wtih you.

i am having a busy weekend so hope that i can do the things that i have plans to do....all day training at church on saturday...small group tomorrow night....going out to eat with mom on sunday and going to go to church.......nan lent me a book so i will have that to dive into this weekend.....tonight i am going over to mom's for dinner...she cooked for the senior lunch at her church yesterday and she had leftovers so we are having sandwiches and homemade macaroni salad and oh dove bars for dessert..........yummy
gracie is reallty enjoying the outside today...it is sunny yet kind of a cool temp today probably around 55 or so.
well that is the scoop from me right now

Coca Cola cherry zone

3 times now i have when i opened the case of twelve pops had a christian tract in the box. i was wondering if anyone who drinks coke products has had that happen. i emailed the company and told them i was not offended but alot of people would be. i am assuming that it happens at the factory but maybe someone is slippping them in at the store....so has anything like that happened to you? just kind of weird to me...again since i do believe in God and love Jesus the jist of the tract did not bother me but just knew some people would be upset about it..i think i am going to call the store where i got them from too and see if anyone else has gotten them or if it is not at the factory perhaps someone is slipping them in at the store........so what do people think and what would you do if you were me? i decided to call the store just to let them know about it and i was really nice and so were they..i told them that i was not upset but some people might be....

prayer requeset

i want to ask for prayers for some friends of mine from church. the family had a death in the family of c's dad. c is from nigeria. he is going to be heading to nigeria and so m and their sweetie of a toddler c is here. it is expensive such a trip like this plus add to that his job...not knowing how long c will have to stay in nigeria....please pray for c's here and extended family in nigeria. it will be a long few weeks for all of them. due to c being from nigeria and being the oldest son he is expected to do some thinng that i am not sure what all they are and m my friend is as his wife not sure what all is expected of her. please pray that c's trip will be hassle free and such...........please pray and i appreciate it and i know that they will also

I did sleep..................

sleep last night and wow too much it was about 14 hours! i am thinking that perhaps besides sleeping lots since i had some nights that i did not sleep much but am also wondering with the doctor upping one of the medications that i am on that is probably also part of it. i am not wanting to keep taking it if it continues to make me sleep alot of hours. i am having today along with the other symptoms forgeting some things such as i had to call my mom for her to remind me what day it was today....i knew that it had to be a tuesday or friday since i had an appointment with nan yesterday...she was really kind and reassuring that at one time or another everybody forgets something. i really was so happy to turn on the computer and read the blogs and reading the comments that people had left. i got to thinking it would be so great if we all lived closer together and could meet up for coffee or such.
i decided for me today an lj is to type this in green to remind me of spring is here and summer is going to be here soon...i found some rice and veggies that i had frozen so had that for breakfast and it was really yummy....having some really great chocolate that was one of the premium brands but with it being at dollar tree it was only a dollar so that was an lj but it was not an lj when i ate it the whole candy bar yesterday...it was a lj even though lots of sleep it still was great to not have my mind going on and on and on i do still wake up around 3:15 a.m. but lately i have been going back to sleep...another lj is having one of my favorite shirts clean...it is purple which is my favorite color and is like a sweatshirt but it is light weight so really good for this time of year....gracie is being so good today.
.that girl can sleep as much as i do at times! she barked two times early this a.m. but then went right back to sleep even before i was going to get up and let her go outside and then she slept until i got up and then has been out a bit enjoying this weather...she had to come back in becaue she was barking too much and now she is back asleep. i think she feels fine it just is she is gettig older.
another lj is that mom made some soup and is bring some today for me, it is tortilla soup and she has never cooked it before so it should be interesting....for the most part i really like her cooking. she also said when i eat it to be really honest if it was good or not...we are going again to run errands which i am i do not know like a dog but since i was a wee one i always enjoyed riding in the car and taking trips and such so i can enjoy even if i do not have things that i need to get gracie and i both really enjoy riding....maybe too it is becaue since i cannot drive anymore i like ot more................so some lj's for today...............if any one has some of them to share i would like reading about them.........hope you all have a peaceful and a good day.

Monday

wow what a day so far...i am SO troubled by all of the natural disasters affecting so so many countries in asia. i try to pray yet at times words escape and i end up praying for jesus please jesus come to these situations...comfor the people who are hurting and who lost family and friends...and orphans and such...i feel at a loss to do anything yet p
yesterday and today continue to be difficult days with the mental illnesses...i did have my session with nan today...it was so good to be validated when i shared with her all that is going on that things in my brain are chaotic right now. i am really pushing myself to not go inpatient in the hospital...right now nan and i are thinking it is about 65% that i will end up inpatient. if it was not for gracie i think that i would check myself in but it gets so expensive for my mom to pay for her being boarded and i do not have the money right now and i know times are tough for mom right now too. i also this will perhaps sound strange but with all that is going on in this world it feels rude or disrespectful for me to have all these things going on in my brain even though i cannot stop them and all that is going on in the world..hope that makes sense but not sure it will because i am not sure how to describe what my thoughts are right now.............

i forgot to schedule rides for today so mom was so kind and took me to my appointment and stayed and then we went to wendy's for lunch and then we went to the dollar tree where i bought some socks 3 pairs for $1.00 so I got 9 pairs of socks....i got my mom some of those reusable plastic bowls and such because i gather quite of them when mom cooks me some things and then i forget to give them back to her...i got some treats for gracie.....and then also a bar of chocolate...one thing that happened is that some lady almost ran into use and kept on going and i really do not think that she even took notice that we were there ...it was in the parking lot and she missed our car seriously like maybe less than a foot........thank God we were that the accident did not happen and that nobody was hurt....i think that i would be hurt because she was driving fast too....way too fast for a parking lot.

i think that i might watch some t.v. or perhaps take a nap that is what gracie is doing right now taking a nap...she got to go with us to ride which she loves to ride...and loves ice and cheeseburgers from wendy's and just lays down and is so so so good to ride. i hope that everyone is having a good day.........think of some lj's..............

Happy Mother's Day.......

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there who read my blog. I am doing better I think today. It I think will be good to get out and go to church and then take my mom out for lunch. It is pouring down rain today....I hope that stops or slows down when I have to get on and off of the bus. I remembered to take all of my medications so that will most likely help today. I keep forgetting the coginton which one is to take to not have the side effects of another medication...and the side effects are not fun...I think often it is the weierd feeling of the side effects that trigger a panic attack. It is interesting and frustrating some of the side effects of the medications that are to help one have such crappy side effects.
I think this week is going to be another busy week....with appointments and such. Well my ride should be here soon so better get this finished before they come to get me.

Sunny Saturday..................

I am back from going to the library. I am glad that I got out a bit but getting out did not help my panic attacks or the hallucinations. It is a day when I am frustrated with the mental illnesses. I am o.k. but not great. I am so relieved that at least I know that the hallucinations are not real. I am thinking of Andrew today with him sharing how he is having a rough day too. I have eaten too much sugar today so I know that I need to start tracking what i eat and when but even that seems like too much today.....but it would be good to know how I eat on the days when some of the mental health symptoms that I deal with are worse.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day which is kind of bittersweet for me..I am happy to take mom out to lunch and if I could would do more....but it is hard for me since I am a Mother but have not seen my daughter since she was 3 days old. I am not regreting the choice that I made to have an adoption plan...I just would like to know now that she is 21 how she is and such. I hope that everyone has a good weekend....think this it for right now and maybe for tonight.

Computer.................

is working better but i think i am done for today and going to take my night time medications and head to bed to watch t.v. and cuddle with gracie........she has been a cuddle bug today and also annoyed that the dog outside is not on a leash and running around which she never goes without a leash beyong the patio and it is against the rules here at the condos and we are on a VERY BUSY street so it is just not wise to have a dog running without a leash. I am grateful that the computer is working good..................: )

My computer..................

is giving me problems with leaving comments so most likely I will continue to read the ones like I do but will try again later on to see if I can leave comments...and the computer is being really slow today....and it is one of those days where I want to spend extended time on the computer because at times it helps me calm down when I am having panic attacks.

my thursday

i was in SO MUCH PAIN when i got home last night but had a really good day. i had my session with nan and that went well. i met my friend michelle at the mall and we always have a good time talking and laughting and such. i had one of those frozen coffee drinks which are SO good i think and then later on we at at ruby tuesdays and bless her michelle paid for mine. i had the salad bar and a baked potatoe and instead of having it loaded i just got it with cheese on it and it was yummy. i wanted to pick up some cookies to take home with me but did not so am happy with myself for that choice. i think next time that michelle and i get together at the mall we are going to just get dessert and coffee or tea. i was in LOTS of pain by the end of the outing. i think that next time i am going to ask if we can just stay in the food court or just go to one of the places tom eat such as ruby tuesdays or tgi fridays. she is really understanding about my legs and has some limitations herself since she uses a wheelchair. i did go to the boutique for pets yes it has lots of expensice items....clothing and fancy treats and leashes and such i did get gracie some peanut butter cookies for dogs there...
i just got back from going over to mom's for lunch and my nephew j and his wife c and 2 year old almost 3 daughter came for lunch. we had a good time talking and it was a nice visit. it was the first time that c had been to the apartment where mom lives so she enjoyed it. it is a really nice apartment and mom has made lots of friends so i am so happy for her. she lives on the 15th floor and so she can see downtown and osu and lots of great things. i am glad that she faces south because facing north all one can see is that freeway. mom is aging but still a great cook! i wish that i could cook as well as she does! my mom always makes enough for people to take home....so she made a huge and i mean huge as j said enough meatloaf for fifteen people and there was just us four and then k who is one of those kids who do not eat much so i brought some home and so did j and c..............they did not get to stay long because of having to drive an hour each way and had to get back in time for when the older kids got out of school................................so some lj's for today......spending time with family....k really liking the toys that i could for her...just a few items for dollar tree.....not being in so much pain today...having someone walk me to and from the bus...coca cola cherry zone to drink.....gracie who is such a wonderful companion for me.....watch k eat jello and when she got it on the spoon and to her mouth without dropping it she would want her mom to high five her....oh and the rain stopped for now. i like the rain except that my pain increases when it is damp and wet and such......................hope that each of you have a good weekend.............

PLEASE PRAY..................

FOR BURMA! One can kind of get a picture of what all is going on with my friend John's postings. I am NOT asking anyone to send money though if God leads you to do so....here is a way you will know that the money will get to the people that need it and that it will not be stolen by the government.......http:/earstothetrack.wordpress.com

Wednesday Afternoon................

well it is another warm and pretty day outside. i am meeting al my case manager at borders today so that is good. i am SO frustrated with myself because i think i lost some money yesterday when i was shopping...i went to the bank and cashed two checkes...we went to taco bell and i went to dollar tree and giant eagle and do not remember buying much either place (one of the more frustrating symptoms that go along with my mental illnesses) but i should have more money than i do i thnk and the money has to get me through this month.
i slept for the most part really good. i woke up a few times but went right back to sleep.....kind of a boring post but wanted to ask if people would pray that if i did lose the money i would know where it is...................

I got BRAVE..............

I did it! I got brave and called a place to learn more about a inpatient program for eating disorders. I have been thinking more about that option because of the operation and insurace probably would be at the earliest december. this program is in tulsa oklahoma si it would be a long long bus ride since i cannot fly. it has a christian program that one can be a part of it if one chooses too which i really like all that i was told about it all. it is a 21 day program so that is good also to know what the length is and such.....so i am sure a mix of feelings right now.....i will most likely be on and off wanting to blog about this but for now i think that it is something i want to pursue.
mom and gracie and i ran errands today...gracie was so so so good today she loves to ride mom picked me up at 2:30 today and we got home aound 5:15 and gracie was good the whole time. she LOVES when i give her ice so she was sure happy about having ice and ice cold water. it is such a joy to have gracie....i love her lots and know she loves me. i know it would be a hard 3 weeks for her but trust that God will show me who for her to stay with...nan knows some people who she sees who do foster care for pets...and i keep telling myself that i will be a better pet owner when i feel better physical and emotional.
i think that i am going to go watch some t.v. i think...........................food was fair today but not great...the interesting thing is we stopped at taco bell and i got what i usually get but was to0 full to eat all that i did so mom ate some of it.............so that is a good sign. anyone watching american idol? it is getting down to just a few....it will be interesting to see what happens............. so i have not asked a question in awhile...what is your favorite thing about summer?

Tired Tuesday

i did sleep last night better than i have been so that is a good thing. i am tired still though and i think it is because of feeling more of the bipolar symptoms. one thing that i am proud of myself is that i have kept on doing things such as did help out at church and had a god time with mom on sunday...went to a shower on sunday for stacy and that was fun...just a few of us but we had lots of good conversations.yesterday i had my appointment with nan and it was good and then went to a small group last evening.
i am thinking of and starting to look into impatient for my eating disorders. it is something that i think that would be really helpful. i am losing weight but could do it more healthy. the main issue is most places who are treatment centers take people who deal with anorexia or bulemia and not super obese binge eaters. i also know that for someone who struggles with eating disorders for example struggles with anorexia to be around someone my weight triggers them and at times it triggers me when i am around someone who is anorexia or such.
the biggest issue that keeps me not wanting to pursue such a program is gracie. i know though there are places and people who will do foster care for animals and also gracie will have a better life when i am able to do more physical tasks.
one large joy i have to share is that i ordered a small pizza yesterday and it had six small pieces and i was able to eat three yesterday and then three today and am so happy that i did not binge.
some lj's for today...........warm sunny day....knowing that i am getting out with gracie to go with mom to run some errands......blogger buddies....another big joy is to have slept some last night..........i read the Bible today which is something i want and feel the need to do each day....got an email from my sister.....
kind of a funny story i think...i had called my friend eleanor to leave a message and gracie who has been so quiet all day started barking so i said on the message i am sorry for the noise in the barkground instead of saying background which i corrected what i said but just funny to me because gracie was so barky at that time.
eating has been alright in general...i need to eat something in the early evening and not go without eating from like 3:00 p.m. till like 12:00 noon the next day.i want to start trying some of the suggestions people commented on the blog and it works for him or her.
gracie is outside and it is beautiful day to have the door open with the spring air coming in and such.............i hope that eveyone has a good tuesday...full of some lj's

I am back home.................

and the rain has stopped and it is kind of a muggy warm day now it is in the 70's the forecaster said when i callled time and temperature. It was a good time at the library overall though I ran into my suprvisor that I worked under when I worked there....and I did fine at chit chatting but was happy when it was over. I started reading a good book and wrote down the title so that when I can check out books I can check this one out...
I need to get my sugar intake under control when I go out where there are sweets available...I had a grande milky way latte - yes it is as good as it sounds. I had them make it with skim milk which was a good choice but then had whip cream on it. I bought two cookies on the way outside to wait for mainstream and they were so so good and so big and again quite yummy. I need to figure out how to let myself have a treat not a few but a treat when I go to the library...if I tell myself I cannot have anything that sets up for a binge later on in the day....so I think for now I am going to let myself have the milky way freeze kind of like a coffee and chocolate and whip cream and such and that is it...except if i get a diet coke....then go make another change and get the kids size when i order it so that it is a treat but not a huge one. I know that I should have eaten more than a protein bar before I left but could not find anything that i wanted to eat. So..................now I am not hungry at all and I think I will aim for eating something good for me and good tasting around 7:00 ish so it will not be too late.
I am thinking a black bean burrito and some carrots and red peppers to munch on also or I might have this frozen mix I have which is pasta and peppers and eggplant and it is so good AND i just remembered I have fresh salsa from Trader Joes that I can add to that..............again YUMMY....
I think that I mentioned this before but again I wanted to say thanks for all the good ideas about what to eat and ideas to help keep track and such. I started last week trying to write it down and it did not go too good so I think that I am going to start tracking another way and that is to write it in a email and keep it as a draft to add onto during the week and then once a week send it to Nan my therapist so we can go over it.....I am going to try to get Gracie to play here in a few minutes.....

Saturday

it is raining off and on so far today. i used to love when i could walk better to go walking in the spring and summer rains. i am going to go to the library this afternoon...i can combine my love of reading and my enjoying people watching with a vanilla latte and it will be a afternoon full of lj's. i think soon i will have paid off my overdue fines so that i can start checking out books again. i am determined this time to limit myself to just one or two at a time so that i do not turn the books in late. i read fast and with going to the library once a week it should not be a problem.
sleep was really chaotic last night and add to that more symptoms of when i start spiraling down are starting up again. i am determined to deal with it at home and stay out of the hospital! it is not to the point where i need to go into the hospital.
i am looking foward to the library today...........

I SLEPT.....................

i feel soooooooooooooo much better since i slept. thanks for all of the great suggestions for snacks. i am going to go grocery shopping this afternoon so am going to stock up on some things. i know for me i do better if i have a variety of snack or mini meals to choose from. i talked with my sister today and she is still having major problems with her eyes. it is really difficult for her to read and right now her typically "good" eye she cannto see well enough to drive...i know it is quite frustrating and sad for her...she tries to take some walks but trips often and such. it is weird too what things look like if she looks at print after a few minutes it will turn into like a kalidscope of many colors and then looks like it is burning and shriviles to ashes she said even though she never has used drugs that it seems like a pyschodellic bad trip on lsd would be like......more later most likely.....thanks again for the food ideas. i think that i am going to try to post food and how it has been.....in the evening.

Food

food has been hard this week....not with eating to much or binging but not eating like i should. i really need to get back into eating a small amount a few times a day. it will help that tomorrow mom and i are going to trader joes so i can stock up on the lara bars and such that i really like and that help me eat a bit every few hours. i did enjoy eating out last evening and i got a salad and it was good..i also decided to have cherry coke which it is the first real coke i have had in over a week i think...i sure do love those cherry cokes even the diet ones.....i did just have one glass of the regular and then the rest of the evening i had diet. yesterday i was not feeling good and my stomach was not feeling too good most of the day from not eating much the past few days....today i had a nutragrain bar before i left to go to my appointments but forgot to take one with me...so had to wait till i got home....i ate a few tortilla chips with salsa waiting for the spaghetti to warm up and ate about half of that and now it is 7:00 and i am trying to think since it has been about 3 hours i should eat something but the only things that sound good are ice cream or candy...maybe a bowl of cereal or maybe i will not eat since it is early evening. i am curious what type of healthy snacks or non healthy snacks do people eat in the evening? things with eating will get better when i get the protein bars and i am going to get some drinks like slimfast but not that brand i forget what it is called...the brand is better to make sure ones sugar does not spike and also has more natural things in it than the slimfast brand...i do like the slimfast brand and if that is all there is as far as choices i will get that...they are good as long as they are really really cold. i just really do want to keep losing and not mess things up by not eating which leads more often over time to binging.
i also want to keep writing about food and eating since those issues are why i started this blog.

tired in many ways......................

i just got up from trying to take a nap...i did not sleep but spent a good amount of time trying to figure out some things. today has been an o.k. day....i went to worthington to see nan for my session....i saw the doctor and he raised one of my medications and asked me to check in with him next week when i see nan. dr. weiss is a great doctor. i feel very comfortable with talking with him and sharing with him what i think and such. he is hoping that raising the medication will help me get some sleep and help my other bipolar symptoms ease up.

it is interesting to me how bipolar affects people in all different type of symptoms but no matter what the symptoms are this time of year in the spring really brings on more symptoms for many people as does fall.he and nan both this week have seen a good number of people who have bipolar having rough times. i am not happy that other people are struggling yet it is comforting to know that i am not the only one.....in fact yesterday one of the therapist who works with nan wanted to get one of her clients into the hospital and out of 5 hopsitals in our city no hosptital had any rooms! i am assuming the client had to go outside of the city to another city about a half hour away.

i did have a really enjoyable time with eleanor last evening. she is so easy to talk to and it seems to me she and i always find things to talk about. she is such a good friend....and i think she is one of those people i will always stay in touch with even if one of us moves or such. i am not thinking of moving but she is thinking of moving back to the state of washington in a few years.

i am enjoyed sitting out on my patio soaking in the sun. i need to find a good book to start reading while i am out there or maybe i will take one of my puzzle books. i am trying to decide if a want to get any pots of flowers this year. the ground in my patio is not good at all for gardening....the one area i have a rose bush that it looks like if it blooms any this year it will be its last. i am going to ahve to wait and see. i am concerned too if i get pots of flowers then gracie will try to eat them......

speaking of gracie..while i was resting i heard her getting into a plastic bag and then i heard her tearing with her teeth a plastic wrapper and she had gotten into the plasitic bag and took out the chew bone that was in the wrapper and got the bone out and she looked so proud of herself when she walked by me kind of like fast walking so i would not take the bone from her and after all of that work she deserved it i think.

some lj's for today...the sun and slight wind....my appointments going well....gracie....getting rides to meet michelle next thursday...things like that...oh also knowing that my friend andrew had a enjoyable time reading outside........