please pray

It is about 8:30 p.m. and my mom is on her way over to pick me up to take me to the E.R. I am having lots of physical pain again..........so will update later on when I get back.................

rainy rainy day..............

I slept last night and slept until about 2:30 this afternoon and the funny thing is that Gracie also slept in with me that long. I am noticing her being more like an older dog now...she is not happy that it is raining out and I will not let her out to just lay in the rain and get soaked. It is not that cold out it is 52 but with her needing to be groomed and her fur so so very long and tangled and when she gets soaked it gets more tangled so right now I am just letting her out a few minutes at a time. She has a place in my patio that she loves to go to which is in the dirt and it makes a mud puddle and she loves to go play in that and drink from that etc etc...Today I am feeling calmer which is a good thing. I am eager to watch the OSU basketball game tonight - it would be great if OSU wins tonight and then for the final game. GO BUCKS!

Scared and lonely and sad..............intense sharing

I am having lots and lots of feelings and am crying and crying and I know it is good for one to feel the feelings yet sometimes in the moment it really does not feel great and I think I will even use the word suck. I am scared about life will be like after Will leaves and I have Nan as a therapist. nan is a fine woman I just do not do well with changes. I know there are also lots of feelings because I really know that if I had not gotten to hook up with Will as a therapist I probably would have taken my own life a year or so ago. I am scared about what if whatever is wrong with me I have to have an operation....and also in that is I do not want that to mess up my seeing Will the last two times this coming week. I am lonely and not sure who to call...I could call a couple of friends long distant but then there is the money issue about that....I could call probably a few people from Central Vineyard yet still getting to know many of them and many of them do not know the vastness of the mental illness(s) and I think I would freak them out...and it probably has to do with the changes but for whatever reason I really miss my ex Clara and we are not really talking these days so not a good idea to call when I am in an emotional mess....I am scared and sad about not working and having to borrow money to buy groceries......and my account is in a mess.....speaking of a mess makes me think of my place and the mess it is in and the things that need fixed sometime....I want to be able to lose weight and not be in a mess of pain even when I just want to take a walk...I want to be able to take Gracie to the groomer.....gosh looking back I hope it does not seem like I am whining and whining I just needed to get some stuff out of my head and this seemed like the place to do it. It does not help that 22 years ago on the 7th of April was the horrific rape on campus and I ended up with lots of medical problems...sprained arm...various std's - and had to be hospitalized with those...and I refused to take the morning after pill in the E.R. so I was pregnant and then miscarried and there were many bruises and cuts and scratches with all the horrific things those two men did over and over as I was captive by gun point for over five hours.....there is lots and lots of emotional baggage too because the church that I was going to told me countless times that the rape was my fault because I was alone on campus! I know now that is not true that it was not my fault but still leaves lots on ones heart and soul and mind.Next weekend is Easter so hopefully I can concentrate on that and not all of this. My mom and I are going to Cooper Rd Vineyard for the Good Friday Service....Life is Hard and God is Good and sometimes God is Hard to understand to grasp the whys of things................

I have not eaten...............

pizza since the last week of February...I wish that I could say that I have not wanted pizza and thought about it but the reasons are money issues yet it is good for me that I have not been eating pizza because most often when I do eat pizza it ends up being a binge. I had my appointment with Will today and it went well. It is really starting to hit me hard that after next week Will is going to be in California. I am really hoping and need to start praying that I can avoid going into the hospital when this happens. I was hoping to have a new job by then also so that would take up some of my time. Today I made an appointment to see the doctor about the pain that I had twice now that I thought was gallbladder issues yet looking at some of the symptoms it might not be and perhaps kidney stones....anyway Will encouraged me to take care of my physical body and have the pain checked out and I called and it ends up I can get in on Monday morning but have to see someone else then my regular doctor....these type of things make me very very nervous! My doctor is booked all next week and the receptionist said that I should not wait a week which also then made me really really nervous. It is a beautiful day here in Columbus. I am glad when it is sunny out and not raining. My sleep was chaotic again somewhat last night and I kind of want to take a nap....I think that I will let Gracie be outside for awhile more and then when she comes in maybe we will lay down and watch television and nap.

I SLEPT GREAT........................

and am feeling so so much better! I am hoping that the non to little sleep cycle is over for now. I slept until about 2:30 p.m. and Gracie bless her slept all of those hours too which amazes me when she does. My plan for today was to make some phone calls and such and that is going to be pushed to tomorrow. My mom bless her is taking me to go grocery shopping tonight and paying for the groceries for me. I was sad to hear that Pau a famiy friend is in the hospital...he in having chemo treatments and after the last one that he had now has a fever and is really now feeling good at all...he is to get a bone scan this week to see if the chemo is helping. Speaking of cancer let us all continue to pray for Mike and Anya and Nancy and Fred and Mike's family....I still continue to even though I have never met Mike or Anya find myelf crying at least once a day for them....I think that part of it is that I have prayed that the things that break God's heart break mine. I am nervous to eat after the attack that I had the other night...sticking to crackers and soda and V8 tastes good to me and I like it. I should get this checked with a doctor so need to make a doctor's appointment...

Rain and pain and Red Roof.....................

It sure seems like spring is here with the warmer weather and with the rain. I am glad for the warmer weather! I went today to put in a application at ACCOR....seems weird that one has to go through the whole hiring process again when I was laid off...if I do get hired again I am wondering if they will make me go through all of the triaining again also. If I knew the right passwords I could walk in there now and start making the reservations. It was good to see some of the people I used to work with. I think that I might be having gall bladder issues...I never had worse pain in my life last night and it was my right ribcage and then middle to lower back. I had a smiliar experience a few weeks ago but it was not nearly as bad of pain and it did not last long. I also felt like I was going to throw up but when I did it was just lots of saliva...I almost went to the E.R. last night but after feeling really sick and then extreme pain it finally eased up thank God. I thought it might have been set off my having a milkshake that was made from real milk but had ice cream recently even though it was DQ and that did not seem to get to me but I did have onion rings yesterday and am wondering if that is what triggered it or what...DQ products do not seem to bother me...soymilk ice cream does not bother me....so am thinking that I need to make a doctor's appointment and see what she says. I did end up taking a double dose of pain medication last night that helped me get to sleep. Sleep is still kind of chaotic waking up lots on and off but going back to sleep really quickly at least last night I woke up really sore with muscle soreness so am wondering if that had anything to do with kind of a after effect of the pain I had last evening. I am wondering if anyone who reads this has dealt with gall bladder issues any ideas....can you tell me what yours felt like and where it was and such....oh I did hear something interesting on the radio today....the lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish who I am forgetting his name right now is going to be putting out a solo country type music cd...that will be interesting........

I do not understand this......................

and will write more about this later on today or tomorrow...I found out that the company that I was laid off from....ACCOR is now hiring! So who knows maybe I will go back and work for the company that laid me off....it just feels like bizarro world to me with letting 30 some people go and then asking people to work extra hours and now hiring people...though one has to go thru the whole fillng out application and such to be considered and probably will have to go through the whole training class again too which to me seems like a waster of money when I could go in tonight and know exactly what i need to do and such...tonight is small group.................

BEAUTIFUL DAY....

here in Columbus....it is about 70 degrees and sun is shining and no rain at least so far today. It is amazing how much better I feel when it is sunny and warm even on the days like today when I am running on no sleep and lots of physical pain. Today I went to church and it was one of those days where during worship one really felt God there and also the teaching was one where I wanted to say amen a few times during it...which would have been alright to say I am just not one of those people who speak out like that just my personality combined with my mental health issues and such. I did panic for a few minutes after church was over...everyone had left and Mainstream was running like an hour late and left a message for Mom to let her know since she was going to be picking me up at 2:00 p.m. and then my cell phone ran out of juice so I had no way to contact anyone....so feeling stuck which is not a good feeling in general yet some I am one of those people who freak out from such...so it all worked out that Mainstream came and I got home about 10 minutes before Mom came so I was able to get Gracie out for a few minutes and then it worked out well because Mom had not gone home after her church so she had not gotten my messages and would have worried....so we went out to Windchimes for lunch and then Mom let me use her charge card to get some tops for spring and summer which is a huge blessing....and the store was having a huge sale so I got 6 shirts for $62.00 ! I had not planned on getting that many but since at that store for that price I would have only gotten 2 it was too good of a deal to pass up.
I did fill out two more applications online yesterday...and today need to look at the help wanted ads that are in the paper and then hopefully apply for more jobs. I need to get brave I decided and tomorrow call some of the places that have recieved the resumes and that I know that they are still looking for people. I have been told countless times that I have a great phone voice yet I still get phone phobia at times especially when I do not know the person. I have been thinking about Andrew a fellow blogger and am envious that he lives in a town small enough he can walk in the middle of the night when he cannot sleep. I would really like to be able to do that. I also was relieved to know other people struggle with phone phobia. Well tonight I am going over to Jeff and Adrienne's home...they are welcoming people who are new going to Central Vineyard and tell about how it came about and also all about it which should be fun and interesting...they are such good people and it is really really alright with them for one to be just who you are which helps the nervousness less. Guess that is it for now...............I have been listening to lots of worship music and lots of older Indigo Girls....who are you listening to?

Restless nights again...............

I was awake much of the night and my brain keeps going and going and going. I did stay in bed and just rested at least my body but am really frustrated about the whole sleep issue. Yesterday was a very fruitful yet intensive time of therapy. It is hard to believe in many ways that two weeks from yesterday will be the last session I have with Will. He has been such a huge blessing in my life and I really doubt not to sound morbid but if I had not seen Will that I would still be alive. He is the most wise therapist that I have ever had the opportunity to work with...and so kind...and I really like it when a therapist shows that they are not perfect and such that they have their own issues...hope that makes sense. I am not saying that we talked about his life lots or that anything shared was inappropriate he would just at times share things from his past or present to help me see something. I am really trying to not worry about not having a job yet I find myself quite concerned. I looked again last night at ads on the internet and there was not much there at all. I plan to look again today...and hopefully find some jobs to apply for. It is a sunny day out and about 65 degrees so that is nice and I plan to watch OSU play basketball again today...GO BUCKS.

Today..............

I went to the Pizza Hut Call Center to put in an application. It was quite a frustrating experience! I think I set myself up thinking that for sure if I applied there I would get a job...well to begin with the hours that are in the ads like on the internet are different than they hours that they need so the hours that they need I cannot get Mainstream for! I then saw that the wage that they start one out at is really sad....$6.00 something an hour! I had decided though that I would even work there for a little while looking to get some money coming in if the hours I could get there...they said that they would keep my application on file in case something came up in the afternoon hours.....so the search continues. It would have been hard to work there for me anyway because it was noisey and no cubicles and such....Sleep was a bit better last night then it has been yet not as good as Monday evening....I slept yet woke up every hour for a bit. I am trying to not get overwealmed...I am trying to cast my cares onto God...I am trying to do everything that I can to stay stable. I am trying....

I SLEPT..........................

last night from about 10:00 p.m. till about 4:00 ish and then back to sleep a couple of hours later and slept from like 8:30 a.m. till about 2:30 p.m. I am so relieved! I was concerned that I was going to end up in the hospital which is what happened last April with the same issue. I really appreciate all of the prayers from my small group last night and others that were thinking and praying for me. Thanks. I am going to the eating disorder group tonight. I am hoping that the sleep pattern is going to be back to normal now at least for awhile.

4 hours of sleep..............

last night and so the not sleeping much at all is continuing. I have not slept a whole night since last monday! i slept like 2 hours on tuesday and wednesday and thursday and friday and then on saturday i slept none....the new medication did not do a thing. i tried last night taking some night time tylenol with my meds and not sure if it did anything or not...perhaps that is why i slept 4 hours. i am frustrated about the job situation...found a couple that would be great for me with the type of work and hours and such but they are in areas where i would not get rides to easily and would have to take cabs some and the places are about 20 minutes from where i live so that is way too expensive plus with no money right now could not do that anyway. it is hard these sleepless nights because of with the bipolar my mind keeps going and going and going and then i do alright for awhile and then usually crash and when i crash i crash hard meaning often end up in the hospital. i am seeing signs that i am headed that way which bothers me lots. i am really trying to pray more and ask God to help keep me together...tonight when i go to my small group from church i am hoping to be able to get some prayer that is if i am brave enough to share with people what is going on. a fellow blogger is having trouble sleeping and walks lots and when i was reading his blog today it reminded me of myself when i younger and before i broke both ankles...i remember walking late at night and such. i just remembered how a roomate of mine years ago lived about 3 or 4 miles from campus and often times on a weekend evening we would walk to the southern edge of campus so about another mile or so and stop in every bar and then walk back home....we did not drink at every bar but would want to check out who was there and such. Hmmm I wonder how Jan is...last time I saw her which was years ago she was not well at all. I wonder actually if she is still alive or if her drug use has caught up with her.

I had a enjoyable evening

spending time with Nancy at Borders. It was great to tak with someone so real about herself and to be able to be real also. I picked up the new rx for medication that is to hopefully help me sleep! I have not been on this medication before so somewhat nervous about it. I had really hoped to get some things done today around my place but did not....hopefully soon. I think I am going to head to bed and hopefully sleep and for the sleep not to be chaotic. Well it is now 3:15 a.m. and I am still wide awake! I finally decided to get up and do something instead of watching television. I cannot feel the new medication at all...the doctor did say that I could take two pills instead of one so maybe I will try that tomorrow night. I sure hopw that this cycle of no to little sleep ends soon. Guess since I am up I will look for jobs that have openings..........

Two Hour Max again....................

of sleep again last night and the two hours is not even like in a row...it is like maybe 2o minutes of sleep and then awake again for hours and when i do happen to sleep i am having really bizzare dreams....so that it is now 3 nights in a row. my doctor gave me an rx of a new medicine to help with sleep so going to have that filled today and hoping that it will break the cycle. i seem to be with all that is going on finding myself crying lots over silly things.....even an ad on television....or the basketball game...not being able to get ahold of my friend john. i have so so much i need to do around here at home and it is just not getting done. i have found that it helps to put worhip music on and i am looking foward to going to church tomorrow....and my mom was kind enough to suggest since my sleep has been chaotic and since i am trying a new medication tonight that she will call me in the morning to make sure that i am up and awake in time. the musical i went to last evening was fantastic! the youth department did a fantastic job! i got goosebumps during some of the songs and such. well i am going to go online and see what job openings that there are.....hoping that there are some places that i can apply for...things are getting really hard money wise right now. please pray....and thanks.

OK here is something fun..............

Someone gives you a letter in my case Nancy did and you list 10 things you love that begin with that letter and then post it on your blog. So if you are reading and want to play ask and I will give you a letter.
1. Moon
2.Music
3.Macaroni and Cheese
4. Mom
5. Marianne (my sister)
6. Milkshakes
7. Miami Ink (TLC show)
8. Medications (sounds strange but I would not be stable without them)
9. Michael Gallaugher's worship leadership and music
10. Monet paintings
That letter was kind of hard for me.............: ) but I did it.These are in no particular order either.

Friday Afternoon Sharings

and I am back home from seeing Will. I will only see him six more times before he leaves The Center For Eating Disorders where I see him at. I am so happy for him about his getting married! I think he will do just fine in California. I will miss him so much! He is the most gifted therapist who I ever have had the opportunity of seeing. I have never been as stable as I have been with seeing him. He understands all of my mental illness(s) and is so very wise and understands my eating disorders. I have learned lots from him and hope that I will remember it all when he leaves. Nan is the therapist I will be seeing after he leaves also at CFED. She seems quite nice and wise also it is just that I nor my parts do well with change! She is in a different building and even that is bothering us.....I am thinking that part of what is going on is my bipolar kicking my butt with mind racing and little sleep....and also it was 22 years the violent rape in April.....and then add looking for work....I really need to find a job my disability check is not enough for me to make it these days. I put in another resume today for a p.t. receptionist at a mental heath center....(funny how working with others with issues of mental illness and people who are not the average people is so so so much easier for me if I have to work face to face with people. I would rather find a call center where I can help people but on the phone and not face to face. It is 29 degrees here and it was in the 70's in the begining of the week...and that is Ohio weather! I am going with my mom tonight to hear a youth group sing and perform so that will be good for me to get out some I hope. Food has been up and down and up and down...I have done much better this week with just drinking diet pop.....I am trying not to keep any regular at home but some weeks I am willing to do that and others not...I also find sometimes when I am at the store it is just habits that I buy certain things. I think that I am going to play with Gracie some before I have to leave again............she hates it when it is this cold and I will not let her stay out long. Dogs are such wonderful companions.

Monday Evening...............

I spent with the small group that I go to....we went to Planks and then went to Bryden Place. I am always left with so many thoughts and feelings afterwards...one of the woman that Teresa and I visited had one of those machines that speaks for her...she had recorded her testimony and she shared it with us. Very touching! We talked with a woman there who seems like she is there for psychiatiric issues and not physical ones and she is a delight to talk to as well. I am not sure if I was in the same situation if I would be as content as many of the people seem to be. It is wierd to have it so warm outside today. Gracie is enjoying it lots!

Sunday Afternoon.............

it is a very pretty day here with the sun shining and it is about 50 degrees. I did get out to go to church and was able to just use my cane. The pain is still intense yet I think it is like instead on a scale of 1-10 an 8 it is maybe a 6 or so. I got to visit some with lots of people today which I always enjoy. I also got to meet someone who I comment on her blog yet we have never met so that was fun. My mom and I are getting together in about an half hour to go out for Chinese food like we do and then dropping some things off at the library. I am frustrated at myself because the books are overdue and I did not even read all of them. I really like to read but lately not sure why I have not been...I am thinking that it is because of the mind racing going on. OH a really cool thing is that when my sister Marianne and I got together like a month ago we were out looking at a store and she saw something that she really liked and there was only one at that time and she did not think she wanted to spend that much....well I called the store yesterday and they still have it and it is marked down and my sister has a birthday at the end of this month....so mom and I are going to go out to the store to get it today. My sister is not usually a reader of my blog but decided in case she did read it she probably would not remember but still she might that is why I am being a bit evasive.

physical pain..........

I just am not meaning to complain but just wanted to ask for prayers about the physical pain. I am thinking tomorrow when I get out to go to church and out with mom that I am going to have to use my walker. I am really frustrated because my plan was to do lots of cleaning today and laundry and not much of that has happened. It makes me so so sad thinking that now I am going to have to walk with the walker more now. I really do not want to yet I need to make sure that I can walk safely and such because it is weird because with the physical pain being so acute like in my upper legs like knees and above then the legs on down are numb.....Please Jesus help me deal with this all. Please Jesus I beg you to come and help me deal with the pain. Please Jesus let the weight come off faster and help me daily and often in the day come to you and not turn to food. Thank you God for how you are helping me with this. Thank you God that the binging is down by 90% help me Jesus not to overeat and to follow better my food plan. Please Jesus help me to arrange to swim more. I have been listening to Mercy Me and the WOW 2007 cd's today.

Happy things and Frustrations

Well it has been so far a frustrating day for me...my pain is really intense today and then add to that my sleep was chaotic which always has consequences sleep that is if I do not get enough or if it is chaotic....my mind would not stop and then I could hear my neighbor upstairs and she had company....enough said about that. I was really hoping to get lots of cleaning done and laundry and such and now I just want to go back to bed. I did enjoy writing lots of emails last night and probably will write more today...It was good to get to email Jonathon and get an email back last evening...that is one of the happy things...one of the other is the warmer weather. I have been really enjoying Coca -Cola zero and the Coca -Cola cherry zero...great taste much better I think then the regular diet coke...it is weird because until this zero I have drank either regular coke when I did drink regular pop and then drank diet pepsi or diet pepsi cherry or the coke diet cherry but never enjoyed the diet coke. Well think that I will write some more emails and then try to get some more things done around here.

What a week.........................

this has been with lots of sad things that i have either read or heard about....the bus crash of the students....johnny (my brother-in -law) had a student he was really close to die in a car crash on sunday on the way to church and since johnny is one of the guidance counselors at the high school and bellefontaine being a small town.. he had to counsel kids at the high school on sunday evening and be at the funeral and calling hours....one of my friends 16 year old totaled the car in a crash and walked away from it which is amazing since she hit a pole going 50 miles an hour....and the only things wrong is that she has a very bruised hip and knee from the car hitting the pole it was on the drivers side that it hit...her car was the only car involved and she was the only one in the car...keeping up about mike and anya....and hearing about mike's friend dying that is just so wierd...and i heard this week about another person in her 20's having a brain anurysm(sp?) and had an operation but is not able to move or eat last thing i heard...and then i get to feeling guilty when i get upset about not having a job...and/or when i am having a hard day mental illness wise...and get worried about how is this going to happen or whatever and then it gets me really wondering why things happen..and telling God i do not understand which I am human and it is not that i have to understand and some things i think we as humans will not understand until we meet God...any thoughts on things we do not understand that do not seem fair?

The prayer...............

that I got at church today was amazing! God really showed up...I really thought that one of the words given was so right on for me because I have been seeing the same thing at home often times when I am reflecting or praying. The whole morning God was so there with me....my physical pain has been really bad yesterday and last night to the point that even with taking double pain medications I did not sleep much from the pain yet still got up and was able to get to church and then I felt like I was to get prayer which in my human self is really hard for me due to many issues yet God was like go foward I am here and will be with you....so I was able to share with the woman who came up and prayed for me how I felt one of the words was right on and such and she prayed and wow the heat coming from her hand on my shoulder was so one of those things when one knows God is right there...and I was able to stay there and not dissociate and agree with what she was praying and it felt right to share what I did...and it also was one more way I know that I am to be going to Central Vineyard.
Last evening was fun even though my pain level was so so off the roof and I had forgotten to take pain medication with me when I went over to my moms place....my nephew Jordan and his wife Terri and their four children were over at mom's since they were in Columbus...and I got to talk lots to Jordan and Terri especially Jordan and it just was a really sweet time. I just love watching my nephews as grown Godly men and watch them as husbands and fathers. God just please continue to bless them with you joy and love and peace......I am determined in the next couple of days to go online and put appliacations for the hospitals for ward clerks positions. I need to also go online to the dispatch and see what job ads are in the paper today....but those things will most likely be done tomorrow and not today..............not much sleep at all last night and the pain getting bad again will most likely mean an very early time I will go to bed and relax with Gracie and watch t.v.

Friday afternoon ramblings....

this week has been really busy for me....tomorrow i do not have any plans except cleaning and laundry and sleeping. it has been one of my times of not sleeping much at all! i think it is a combination of lots on my mind....lots of things going on with people that God will bring to mind to pray for....lots going on with me with looking for work and transitions such as yesterday saying good bye to rachel who was my career developer and job coach. i am thrilled for her because she is leaving ohio to move to seattle to get married. she has been so helpful and supportive and i will miss her....yesterday my phyical pain got intense again and has stayed more acute which always makes it more difficult to get to sleep and then stay asleep...i find myself these days crying every day at least once and often more....trying to not judge myself and just allow myself to feel the sadness and fear and such and then often times when i allow myself to do that then it passes for a bit....been playing phone tag with my good friend john so hoping to talk to him this weekend....often times God will lay on one's mind and heart things that the other is going thru and then God will use the person to speak some word from God which wow it amazes me how God the maker of the universe....Savior....and with all the things going on in the world will speak to His people to bless him or her or show how much He cares...
i am in a time spiritually where i feel so unworthy and that i am not doing enough and i need to read more...pray more...give more...share more...and my prayers have been to God that i know i need and deep deep down want to do more and that i am trying...and the word that John left on my voicemail is that God wanted me to know that He knows I am trying. i do find myself trusting more though that even though i really do not know when i will get a job...how the transition to a new therapist will be...how much my heart and soul longs to deal better with my eating disorder and to lose weight....to be more social...that God knows all of these things and has it in control....and I need to keep on taking one step at a time it seems and calling on Him for i am weak and He is strong!