Scared and lonely and sad..............intense sharing

I am having lots and lots of feelings and am crying and crying and I know it is good for one to feel the feelings yet sometimes in the moment it really does not feel great and I think I will even use the word suck. I am scared about life will be like after Will leaves and I have Nan as a therapist. nan is a fine woman I just do not do well with changes. I know there are also lots of feelings because I really know that if I had not gotten to hook up with Will as a therapist I probably would have taken my own life a year or so ago. I am scared about what if whatever is wrong with me I have to have an operation....and also in that is I do not want that to mess up my seeing Will the last two times this coming week. I am lonely and not sure who to call...I could call a couple of friends long distant but then there is the money issue about that....I could call probably a few people from Central Vineyard yet still getting to know many of them and many of them do not know the vastness of the mental illness(s) and I think I would freak them out...and it probably has to do with the changes but for whatever reason I really miss my ex Clara and we are not really talking these days so not a good idea to call when I am in an emotional mess....I am scared and sad about not working and having to borrow money to buy groceries......and my account is in a mess.....speaking of a mess makes me think of my place and the mess it is in and the things that need fixed sometime....I want to be able to lose weight and not be in a mess of pain even when I just want to take a walk...I want to be able to take Gracie to the groomer.....gosh looking back I hope it does not seem like I am whining and whining I just needed to get some stuff out of my head and this seemed like the place to do it. It does not help that 22 years ago on the 7th of April was the horrific rape on campus and I ended up with lots of medical problems...sprained arm...various std's - and had to be hospitalized with those...and I refused to take the morning after pill in the E.R. so I was pregnant and then miscarried and there were many bruises and cuts and scratches with all the horrific things those two men did over and over as I was captive by gun point for over five hours.....there is lots and lots of emotional baggage too because the church that I was going to told me countless times that the rape was my fault because I was alone on campus! I know now that is not true that it was not my fault but still leaves lots on ones heart and soul and mind.Next weekend is Easter so hopefully I can concentrate on that and not all of this. My mom and I are going to Cooper Rd Vineyard for the Good Friday Service....Life is Hard and God is Good and sometimes God is Hard to understand to grasp the whys of things................