red pepper chicken sauages

it has been o.k. day. i find myself crying because of not having a job and concern that bvr will drop my case because of not getting a job in 9 moinths so next week i talk to the bvr counselor. i am trying to be positive in that she would not had given me money for clothes if she did not think that i could get a job. if i could stand for long period of time i am sure that i would be working right now. i think of approaching perhaps fast food at a place because there is a man who sits down and all he does is take the orders and money and does non of the prep work and such. i would have to make sure that i could just do that and such.
so o.k. about the title for tonight....mom bought me some food from trader joes which was a huge blessing. she bought me the red pepper chicken sausages and they are WONDER!!! a bit of spicy to them which i like. my day with food has been too much carbs. but trying to tell myself at least i ate 2 meals and 2 snacks and healthy snacks though as i said too many carbs but am going to start drinking v8 juuce again and have that as a snack and a protein bar or a small piece of protein. here is a quetion for you..can someone tell me if i have protein powder and have not opened it and think i got it like 2or 3 months ago would it still be good and if so how long does it stay good for after opening it. i am sure that it will last a long time but wondering i am thinking of starting to make some smoothies with juice and fruit for breakfast or perhaps a snack
i think that since i really liked quote on andrew's bog that i am going to put that on some pape to make book markers. ..so lj's for today are playing with gracie...sausages..playing with gracie...the sun shining even though it is really cold out i do so much better when the sun is out like lots of people do....cory my career developer...mom putting up with all of my calls when i get in this type of space where i get concerned about thingsl....getting a cell phone which is such a huge blessing from a family at church....that is actually a big joy....who would like to share some of their little joys for today or big joys and a favorite smoothie recipe..for like breakfasts or snacks.....????

FOOD

i can tell that i am losing weight that is a good thing! i am not quite sure how i am doing that...o.k. sure i know how to lose weight it is just weird to me that even when i am not binging and eating less yet still eat small to medium portions of junk food...i am eating less but should eat more of the good things to eat...today has been a fair day of eating...i had a frozen dinner of for breakfast because i do not like typical breakast foods...when i was volunteering at church today i ate two cookie and then when i got home i at a pb sandwich on healthy bread and now it is 7:15 and i am kind of hungry but not real yet know that most likely if i do not eat something i will want something later on. i am happy that i was able to just eat two cookies and am happy with the choices that i made..the frozen dinner was from trader joes which i love shopping there and my mom blessed me this weekend with buying me some food there!
have you ever had one of those days or weeks where you find yourself obsessions over things? i have those weeks right now and nothing is bad that i am obsessing over but it just makes it tough for me to remember the day to day things. o.k. lj's today......i really enjoyed helping connie at the c.v. office today....of cours enjoying gracie...mom taking me to the store and for a ride because i thought it would help stop some of my thoughts oops i did forget one thing i ate was she went to dq and i had a medium blizzard and silly as it might seem gracie LOVES dq but not mcdonalds but she likes mcdonalds chesseburgers yes she gets spoiled when she rides in the car with us and no we do not give her the bun part of the cheeseburger..another lj was to talk to my sister on the phone for a few minutes....oh again really liking the scarf that will got for me at christmas which was such a sweet and wonderful surprize.

i am going to try to focus more on writng about food and my eating on this blog and less about my mental health first because someone i trust here in town suggested that it might be tmi for it to be such a open blog. well going to try to think of something to eat and get ready for bed yes it is early but i am tired and my leg is screaming with pain. oh and another lj i have some of those heat pads that you get at the store and they are either warm or cold with menthol and it does help so that is another lj

Sunday................gracie is so good today

first off gracie was soooooooo good this a.m.! i leave early on sundays so kind of like a sleeping a baby i do not turn many lights on so she still thinks it is night and go back to sleep.well she did GREAT at not barking and then when mainstream came i gave her some treats and she did NOT bark even when I left to get on mainstream so i think the routine for sunday mornings are working out good. i have to leave at 8:00 a.m and then get home around 1:00 p.m. and then leave about 2:00 p.m. to get together with mom to go out to eat and most likely go to dollar tree again because i forgot to get some things.!

it was kind of hectic getting the chileren signed in since we ran out of the new tags and so no numbers so i made sone numbers which were for the parent in case we need to get them and then just regular white stickers for the kids and the stars to use on name tags because if they have any allergies. today there were not as many kids as normal first service...i think between the cold weather and then flu and colds are going around too.

more about gracie........she recognizes the sound of my mom's car. she gets SO happy and paces and goes back asnd forth and when she knows she is going when i get her leash...she goes out on the patio and then there is a small hole that mom can see part of her head and then she turns to show mom her tail in that small hole going back and forth....she is amazing when she rides in the car she loves to ride so much!
she also i think remembers that often on sundays or for her the days i leave for church that i go away again and then often when mom and i are done eating we come back to get her to ride while we run errands,,yesterday she fell asleep in the car. oh about the hole it is not one she could get out from since it is just about the size of a fist...just enough for her to peek and see who is in the parking lot. i am so blessed to have her!
she is such a blessing to me even on the days i get frustating and she with me. my fingers are o.k. one of them hurts more than the other. i might try to get some tape to tape them together the two ones that got stuck in the trunk. the one that hurts more i think that i might of sprained part of it..the top knucle hurts and is sensative to being held and i was getting out some ice cubes and surprizing it realy hurt the finger that is si senative i might see later on how it fees to have like a heating pad on it or one of those wraps that is hot and helps one use them where the pain is.
well off to get ready to go out........
i aqm back from lunch with mom and it was a good time. we did some shopping and yep we both needed to go back to dollar tree so did that and dropped off books at the library which are really overdue i did not want to find out the cost right now yet am bummed that i have fines due might try to talk to them since i was in the hospital and have been having some rough days here.......maybe just once they will do that. mom and i went to walgreens again second time in a short period of time and then also to avenue and mom bought me some items that i need that i ordered wrong size but want to keep so when i lose more weight i can wear them.
so back home gracie is working on a chew bone and is happy that i am at home and i am again chewing gum and glad to be home with gracie.

Saturday Afternoon

hello blogger buddies. i hope that everyone is having a good day! overall my weekend has been good except for when a young man was helping me put groceries in the trunk and by accident closed the trunk on my fingers which was still in the trunk...OUCH! i really felt God was with me because i will have some stiffnes and bruises but overall it s fine. i did cry and was glad that i did not yell any cuss words especially since i was at a church event.! it is ccold today about 27 and i think that the cold really helped too with my fingers. you know how when one thing happens it seems like there are weeks where i more clutzy and so had cut my finger a few days ago on accident and then cut myself a few times before the car event. i am either more clutzy lately or perhaps juset not totally thinking kind of dissociative. i think that is what happened too when my fingers were in the trunk it hurt but not bad as i thought it would and also just cried for a bit and then was alright.

i also cried today when i was getting help at a church...seeing so many homeless and other families so so poor one could tell and since the food stamps come out on the first many people are desperate. i feel so very very blessed with living where i do and such....and that mom helps me lots too! kind of a funny mom and i got to laughing today because we were driving and i asked mom if she was going to go to aldis and she said yes do you have a problem and i started laughing and said yes i have several problems but no problem with you going to aldi.........so we continued joking about that such as when she asked me if i wanted some salad makings and i kidded her and said no i did not want any but if it was going to be a problem i would take them.....lol ha ha.

gracie has been such a good dog today! i have to some people this will sound so weird but i have began praying for her to be calm and not agitated...and since yesterday overall she has beeen been lots calmer. i guess to me that even the snall things in life God does care about. OH i forgot to mention that last night i slept SO SO good! i did not any nighmares that i remember at all! thanks you God! i also woke up and was surprized that i had slept long time for me without waking up so had about an hour to get ready which was fine. mom treated me to hot chocolate from tim hortons which is some of the best cocoa that i ever had except when we make it from scratch. mom used to mkae that when i was young....yummy so that counts as a lj....gracie being so calm...another lj...reading and responding to some really sweet emails.....having a computer which for me is actually a lj aka large joy.

i have not talked much about eating lately. i am really surprized that my binging is really gone now. i still eat some junk and too much of that but it is nothing like it used to be.........in fact i got a bag of chips and of cheese puffs about a week ago and i eat a few at a time but still lots left for me. i have been really trying to cut out junk and also regular pop. i would say that now i just rarely buy regular pop and really try not to buy any regular pop for me to have at home. i can tell that i am losing weight but have not weighed myself in a few months. i do not have a scale and home but can weigh myself when i go see nan and dr weiss. i have lots of can veggie and i have to say i typically like veggies but can ones i do not. i think that i am going to try to make some in soup and maybe melt some cheese on therm too.. i think too my mom and i are going to make one of the veggie salads with canned veggies and italian dressing. i do not want to seem unthankful because i am!
i got a new collar for gracie but it is too small...........: ( i got it at dollar tree and no returns so guess if i know of anyone with a small dog i will give it to them.....in fact there are two dogs who are at the cfed so when i see david who is a therapist i can give the collar to him for dot who is such a cutie and probably weights like 6 pounds she is a mix and one of the cutest little dogs i have seen. well guess that is it for today..................i think i keep being boring on my blog i think it ends up being like a journal.......so thoughts and let me say be honest is this blog what i am writing boring? i hope not! i was encouraged to not write alot on my mental illnesses so am trying to not do that much...since the person who i know here in town encouraged me not to do so just thought he did opening myself to much on a blog with sharing the mental illnesses since mine are severe........few different ones. my main goal in the beging was to write and share about ed so will try to get back to that..........

Friday

today has been sure an up and down today yet now i am doing much better. my sleep has been chaotic with nightmares and night triggers and such. mom and i got out today so i could pick up an rx and got some taco bell and rode around a bit. i had gracie with us and wow does that dog love love to ride and is really great to have in the car. she lays down and unless she sees something like a big dog or men who are not her favorite people she is quiet and often times is asleep. mom and i joked about if i could somehow put together something in my home that simulated riding in the car she would love it and be a much quieter dog i think.............: )

tonight is one of the small groups that i go to. it will be good for me to get out and go yet i am concerned that i will cry which is not a bad thing i just do not like to cry in front of people except perhaps nan my therapist or a doctor. i do know though that people who go to the group really do care for me. oh the other group i go to t and j had their baby w this week! she is to come home today t is and with their new son. i am soooooooooo happy for them. i am so happy answer to prayers that he is here to begin with and both are doing well. yahoo.....babies such as newborns are so fun and cute and smell good most of the time with all the powder and such. : 0 )
i have to return my library books soon. i also want to get back into reading. anyone have any good books ideas? i do read almost everything except horror and really scarey things. i can deal with mystery as long as it is more trying to figure it all out and not lots of gross things and such like i like to see if i can figure out law and order shows and such like that.

i am not sure if i mentioned about making some cards with statements about courage and made about 52 of them and gave them to nan so that they can use them in her practice or with the partal program well the people who work at the partial all thanked me and gave me a card which was really sweet. well i am thinking of making cards like the ones i made and also some about faith and mail them to will so he can use them where he works. i enjoy doing them plus it makes me feel useful. it is not like real creative yet i do feel that way since it is kind of creative deciding which ones i decide to use and what paper and pen i use. i miss will right now. please do not think that i dislike nan because nan is also a great therapist but just really connected in many ways with will PLUS i think if it was not for his intervention that i would have a few years ago gone way way way downhill and perhaps made a life time decision for a temporary decision aka commiting suicide. after that all i am not EVER suicidal anymore. thank you God! and thank you GOD for putting people in my life like nan and will and many many people at church too. does anyone who reads this like keeping bible verses or affirmations or statements around to help?

i know this sounds silly but i am still finding myself addicted to gum!!!! i am sure glad that i do not smoke i would have diseased lungs and lots of money going into smokes. i am not trying to dis anyone who smokes just sharing my own stuff. i do get concerned about people who do smoke because it is hard on one but so is overeating too which i do that.

talked to my sister.............

and it was so good to talk to her! it was good to hear her voice after wondering what it would be after her operation. she was able to talk about five minutes not because of her voice but because of her neck and holding the phone. she is overall doing really good. friends from where they live and people who they go to church are checking in with her a few times a day....plus with johnny working in the school sytem he gets home early in the late afternoon. people are bringing food and mom made some food to freeze so the can easily pop stuff in the the microwave plus if people bring stuff m cannot eat with her food allegies there will be food there plus lots of the things mom made are comfort food which always tastes good when one is not feeling 100%.
last night was another one of nigbares and bad flashbacks and then also some mind obsessions...so between all of that sleep was not good! i have been going to bed early and waking up late but with many of those hours awake it does not add up to restful sleep as nan pointed out to me today. it has been a better day since i had my session with her! i got some sweet time with gracie....happy andrew is blogging again...talking to m,......listeing to 104.9 the river plays current christian songs lots of worship songs and such....i typically am not a fan of christian radio with all of the teachings and such i just like at times to just have somthing on to listen to that is affirming and nor deep that i have to focus on. i am not against teachings but at times i just want something on that i can relax to and not hear foul language and such.
guess that is it for now.................sounds silly perhaps but please pray for gracie she is kind of grumpy and not sure why............i think she is getting older and acting older too.

Tuesday

such an exiting title isn't it? NOT! today has been ups and downs...yesterday i had a melt down could not find my keys and a sweater and a twenty dollar bill........well found the sweater and the kids not the money but most likely it was dropped someplace in my home.
today my sister had her operation and it went fine. the doctor thought the implant would work well to keep the nerves from pressing onto the spine........thank you God. my friends teresa and jeff are at the hospital in labor so probably sometime tonight baby will is born....mom and i went out to go shopping and run some errands. it is sleeting and snowing off and on. i know that my friend andrew would like having the snow. i have to try to contact him hoping that i can still read his blog since he went friends only.
not much is new with me. i realize i think that part of the reason i was a mess yesterday emotional and physical is because on marianine going to have her operation. i did go out yesterday evening with my friend michelle and we had a good time. it was a huge blessing to have the gift card from my nephew b and wife c so the only money i spent was on the tip. gift cards are great! i am going to try to figure out how to sign up to read 4th avenue blues................

Sunday Ramblings.........

today has been a good day.....interesting.......first off it is cold like it is 4 degrees this a.m. and now it is 15 degrees i went to church and it was great....God moving lots! the first thing is working with the kids and not many kids came due to the cold. jeff was out of town so sheila taught on money and giving and it was an excellent teaching and convicting! i got some prayer and had been convicted and so had given a dollar which is my tithe for this week and was ???? myself thinking a dollar is a dollar but trusted God so later after church i was blessed by a person who blessed me money wise and the amount was enough to cover a bill i needed to pay and needed groceries. God is so good even when my faith at times is lacking in areas with money and finances. oh also my friend elenore was able to bring me home because the church service ended early so i would have been having to wait for mainstream perhaps in the cold since the everything would have been ready to be closed up. i am sure that someone would have waited for me but did not want to put someone out by having them have to wait on me.
mom and i went out to eat like we do and then did our typical run to walgreens. i got a call from a woman who i know through a group that i go to and i am really upset with myself. i think it is one of those that i feel like i shared too much too soon and i kind of freaked her out....i am not upset with her being freaked out but am upset with me for sharing so much so soon. well today overall has been a good day. mentioned some big joys.........ljs for so far today...eleanore giving me a ride home... talking with some of the little kids...... spending time with mom...michale and sara lending me the dvd of once looking foward to watching that... in spite of the cold the sky was blue and somewhat sunny....sale items at walgreens................anyone have any ljs that they want to share with me?

Good day..................

today so far today has been a good day. i went over to mom's for lunch and jordan came so we could celebrate his birthday and for him also to just get away for a bit. we had fun talking. mom as her normal fixed a wonderful meal. i got back home and am trying to do some laundry...clean a bit....and on the computer some. i had a really large lj yesterday when i got in the mail the clothes and shoes i had ordered from the money that bvr gave me so i would have something besides jeans and things with holes so i had clothes i could go to work in. it was a good group last night..there were some people who had not been there before so we introduced ourselves and shared some about ourselves and then what we could used prayer for. i am taking my time doing things today so i will not get overwealmed or too achey. it is cold here and i is expected to get colder tomorrow. i was so interested in what people said about five things about him or herself. i really enjoyed that. well off to do some more house things and that is actually a lj that i am feeling up to doing things.

boring

I have not thought of anything interesting to blog about of late. My pain level is really intense and I have been spending lots of time just laying in bed to get off my legs. I am going to go out to with elenore tonight and am looking foward to spending time with her...i met her at church. i had therapy today and it as is the norm to be helpful. i think that gracie's arthritis is hurting her more. i think that i will call the vet to see if i can pick up soon the medication like motrin that helps her. i have been giving her a teeny tiny bit of motrin which seems to help her some. o.k. here is something that i have seen on other blogs so try on mine......................

5 things that one might not know about me................

1. i am related to nancy hanks who was abe lincoln's wife. i find it interesting that she dealt with depression. does one thing that if it genetic it would have been passed on to so many generations

2. i have never flown.

3.my mom and sister and mom's side of the family loves to sing and are good at it and i did not get that talent at all!

4. i arranged a adoption plan for my daughter when she was three days old she went to her family. God showed up big in my last months of pregnancy and led me to place her. i will not search for her yet if she wants to meet me i am very willing to do that. i just feel like it is up to the adoptee to search if she or he wants to. she is 20 years old and soon to be 21.

5.i am allergic to avacodos .

so what do other bloggers have five interesting things that perhaps people do not know?

brrrrrrrrr cold and snow

i went to sleep without watching the news so woke up to some snow slight frosting on the ground and such. i also found when i went out that there is some ice on the parking lots and sidewalks. it has been an interesting day so far for me....i started the day with cookies for breakfast....pat my case manager picked me up and we went to borders book store for coffee. i was not surprized yet sad that this is pat's last week as a case manager. i will really miss him. he was one of the best case managers that i ever had. i think that since i was not surprized and nervous is a good part of the reason why i started out with cookies. i am in for the day and am doing some laundry and such. i talked with m my sister and about the operation and how i can help and such. i am sooooooooo hooked on bubble gum! i am soooo not wanting to be hooked on the bubble gum! i am sooooooooooooooo glad for me that i do not smoke i think i would be the kind of smoker that would smoke LOTS.
i almost fell three times today yet am thankful that i did not fall! once was outside and twice was inside. i think that i will check out some blogs that i read and then perhaps take a nap.

monday and no blues...............

today overall has been a good day....and it has been filled with some lj's and some good choices with food items. i am not sure why yet often times mondays can be rough days especially when pain is acute and such but in spite of it being a gray day and cold around 28 degrees and being in pain today and waking up later than i wanted to it has been a alright day. i ended up taking a frozen dinner to therapy today since i did not have time to eat a real breakfast only having a few cookies and also i usually have about 45 minutes to wait so plenty of time to eat. therapy was hard work at points but went well. it always feels like i acomplished something when i work hard in therapy...because as anyone knows who has been in therapy it is hard work often. vicki who is the receptionist her daughter who i have met wanted me to hear a favoirte singer so i now have a cd of taylor swift. it was so sweet of her to take the time to download the music and i am actually enjoying it so there so far are two lj's. i got home and did not do much except be on the computer. i did order some clothing from the money that bvr gave me to get clothes and shoes so that was fun even with the hassles on the internet...so another lj....i have a goal of reading the book of james for 30 days so i since thursday just missed one day which i did not read but did hear james in the teaching that pastor jeff taught on yesterday. i am enjoying reading various versions of the bible for the same text.............so another lj........... i am wondering if patrick will make out appointment tomorrow he did not make it last week and we played phone tag a bit but not sure what is going on with him........he said in a message that we HAD to meet last week and not sure that if he had to get paperwork in or if he is quitng ( always concerned about that since case managers have such a record of not staying in the field long). i am still obnoxiously hooked on bubble gum. going to heat to bed soon i think.

sunday afternoon

my pain level is still very intense but have been trying to do what my normal routine is as much as i can i am REALLY HAPPY WITH MYSELF.....because even with all of the cookies and ice cream and other carbs i have not binged! i often binge when i find myself in physical pain much as i did when i was a child and teen to deal with the abuse issues...so it is a big deal no pun intended to be able to deal with physical pain without binging. i am not sure why i am doing so well this weekend....perhaps prayers and my mind set not sure.
today again i enjoyed helping with the kids the first service and then went to the second service. mom and i did our typical eating out her treating and then going to the rx...there is something that makes one feel good when people remember them. today when i was at the rx i had paid for the rx back in the pharmacy and then bought some pop on the way out i asked the cashier if he needed to see the receipt from the pharmacy...and he said no you are one of our regulars and it would be rude of us not to treat you as such. so that is for sure an lj for today along with a nice lunch...some really good conversations at church.....one woman who i am just getting to know her came up today and said she was amazed at how upbeat i stayed with all that i dealt with and that is almsot a bj for me to have someone give such a compliment is a big joy for me.....oh i was given dog food yesterday at the pantry and gracie is typically fussy about food especialy dry food and she loves the dry i was so surprized and happy so another lj and now am back home relaxing and enjoying the day

Marianne update

Marianne's operation is scheduled for 7:15 a.m. on January 22 in Springfield. I think mom and I will go to Springfield later on that day. I think since Johnny is taking off the day of the operation and the next day and we will most likely depending on how she is feeling go on the thursday afterwords. The operation has gotten better and easier in the last few years. She told mom that the cervical collar does help but it is uncomfortable. Johnny is really sick right now with bronchitis and that lasting cough that so many people have. I am glad for Marianne that she has the operation soon. It will be sure for me a learning and growing experience in not worrying and casting my cares onto God

ED kicking my butt today

today has been an alright day yet it feels and seems like a day that my ed aka eating disorder is rouring in my head! i went to get some food from a food bank today. i have food right now yet know it is going to be a hard rest of the month money wise and using up all of my foodstamps so for mom it was a day that she could take me there. i REALLY appreciate being able to go to the food bank! it just is going to be hard for my ed with been given 3 yes 3 packages of cookkies.i am concerned that they will be eaten quickly in a few binges. i have been doing much better overall so perhaps i can handle it...thinking of taking a package tomorrow to church to put out with the muffins.
today it has been a day full of lots and lots of pain. i am wanting to cut back on the motrin i am taking since it can be so hard on the stomach. i am not having stomach problems yet want to avoid them if i can.
it is a beautiful day with the sun shining and it is about 40 degrees.it was weird today when mom and i were going to the food bank we passes this telephone line that probably had like serioiusl like over a hundred birds on it! we jokeed maybe one of the birds called a meeting.
ha ha it was just strange to see that many birds in one place.
i am going to try to get laundry done today.
i appreciate nancy your comment about the food asking them not to do that and today when i got home. i also one good thing is that one of the newer medications that i am on decreases my hunger. i had forgotten ariel the birds in groups waitng about rain so perhaps that is what the birds were doing.

Today was a really good day...........

today was a really good day. i pushed myself to get together with a few woman who i am getting to be friends with. i had to push myself because of the physical pain and i am so so glad that i did! i met tammy at target which is the one in town that has a starbucks in it. we hung out and talked at starbucks and then went shopping. i found a purse on sale for $4.99 maked down from $19.99. i almost got two of them and i think mom and i are going to go there so she can look at the purses on sale soon. then after tammy left my friend maureen came to target so we hung out and talked and then she shopped some and i just stayed where i could sit. i really am enjoying getting to know both of these woman. starbucis being in target is such a good thing yet i think that i am needing to not drink coffee tonight for sure.
i woke up at 5:00 and got up up. it is rough when i get up that early because so does gracie and she wants to go outside but she can be realy noisey when she is out and it is not light and such.....so hoping to stop waking up that early. tonight i like to watch what not to wear...and stacy from what not to weare has her own show now. i also plan to read some tonight. i again am going to try to read james for 30 days straight.

so lots of lj's today...hanging out with tammy...hanging out with maureen....starbucks....finding some sale items...being able to push myself to go despite the pain...finding out i can help some at the church office when they need me to do so like with mass mailings and such.....a lj (large joy) is that marianne now knows what is wrong with her and how to fix it.

my friend maureen is such a great woman. i think if i had to think of some woman i would like to be like she would be one of the ones at the top of the list...great friend...great lover of people and jesus...great marriage and great adorable daughter too of hers who is just adored by her and charles..she says what she thinks and is adament to see changes in the world.....she loves people as he or she is and encourages them to be a better person....she is not afraid to speak out what she thinks and feels....

well it is 7:20 and i need to get something to eat for dinner since i just got back around a half hour ago but did not want to eat at target because it is mainly junk food and starbucks just has dessert type of items and with having my max i think with caffeine and sugar need to eat some real food.

Marianne's dr visit....................

this is the email my sister just sent me about her doctor's visit that they found out what is going on the doctor and staff were very nice. he was so patient to explain things and answer my questions and such he suggests that he does surgery (and can do it very soon!) he said he would not do it for the pain only, or other symptoms alone, but for the protection of my spinal cord...due to the narrowed canal which risks damage.

in the meantime he gave me a prescriptioon for a cervical collar!
the surgery would be an overnight, and they would go in through the front of my neck, removing the disc at C5 & C6, fusion, and putting in the new PEEK material (which is a plastic of sorts). in days past (he has been at it 25 years) they took part of your hip bone, but he said that made your hip hurt worse than your neck!
said this has been very successful and that hopefully i would have most movement and return to normal activites in around six wks!

i have not scheduled it yet, but feeling very positive about it all...

i am soooooooooo glad that the doctors finally figures out what is wrong with her.

Blueberry Muffins

I was asked to post the recipe and kind of embarrassed since it was really easy on my end.I bought a mix for blueberery muffins at dollar tree did as the mix said only instead of water or milk i put in the bluberry pie filling. The only difference I found is that the muffins had to bake a bit longer than the other ones. They were quite yummy! They were quite easy too.

wednesday

today has been a really good day so far! i had my appointment with jeff who is the pastor of central vineyard. he validated some of the things that i have been thinking about in regards to my quiet time and also encouraged me to reach out to a few woman. i admire his memory and would like to be able to remember like he does! i went to cova after that and had a good meeting with cory my career developer and that went well. we sent in by fax a resume to amysthist who is a place where woman and children live who the adult is in recovery from drugs and drinking. i came home and gracie is a bit better but still kind of grumpy...i will try to put on the cream and powder for her and gave her a pill that should help the pain.

oh about the blueberry muffins i ended up using the pie filling as the liquid instead of putting it in the middle and they were really really good mom and i thought. mom has been blessing me lots since my stove and oven are now working i buy some things and then she cooks them for me such as rice and pasta and chicken and such. it is really a big help because one tires of pbj and microwave dinners at times. i think relooking over what i wrote except for gracie not feeling good all of the rest would be lj's for today. the downer for today was i walked to a coffee place that is near where the central vineyard office and the place just has french roast coffee which if i have cream and some splenda it is good...well it was way stronger than i thought so i did not put much milk into it and walking back because of having my walking with a cane and my purse was extra heavy due to a book and my lunch so i had to dump the coffee because i was spilling it all over so i spent $2.50 on a coffee i had to pitch so lessons learned are when buying coffee from there use 1/4 milk and the rest coffee...not carry anything heavy when trying to carry the coffee or better yet have someone get the coffee for me.

my pain level is still kind of high today too which did not help. i mentioned this before but did not follow thru with it and that is to read the book of james every day for 30 days is something that jeff suggested to do.
o.k. i also want to add how MUCH i appreciate and admire jeff and adrienne i like it when people are real and i can be real back to them and people do not put on a smiley face when they are going through lots of tough things. i thank God so much for him leading me to central vineyard! thanks you God!!!
well going to go hopefully comfort gracie now since she is barking lots..............

GOALS FOR 2008

not sure why yet the word goals i like better than resolutions maybe it is because to me the word is a process. so eager to hear what other people goals are..............
SPIRITUAL
read whole bible at least once this year
read and pray every day..i do better at praying than at reading
get more involved at central vineyard
hopefully get a group together to interceed for central vineyard and people and world situations
buy the celtic book of prayer
MENTAL
learn how to knit
read at least one book a week (i used to read a few a week avid reader and quick one
learn sign language
take some classes fun and serious ones
PHYSICAL
go to dentist
keep up with doctor appointmetns....mamagram...pap test...etc
get operation
swim at least two - three tmes a week
decrease sugar intake'
increase water intake
looking to get a walker for the really painful days when it is harder to walk
staying stable yet be able to get off some of the medications that i am on
avoid going into the hospital
SOCIAL
keep connecting with peop;e via blogs and emal
hang out with people and try to do social things that do not involve food
try to find some people who i have lost contact with
get place in shape so that i can have people
EMOTIONAL
continue therapy and try to by the end of 2008 be down to one session a week or less
do better at giving parts time
decrease emotional eating
journal
stay sober
connect with clara

no catagory................................get home in shape..pursue getting the help that i need even if it is scarey and hard for me to do..............maybe get a friend for gracie in the form of a cat.............taking a vacation

Tuesday Evening

today has been a rough yet good days. it really amazes me how much a few good cries can make one feel better. i am sleeping lots due to the raise in medication so sleeping way way too much!!! i just got up around 1:30 p.m. today and was asleep by around 11:00 p.m. today gracie has been way way grumpy and needy and noisey!!! she had to have her rear end shaved and so not feeling too good. i put the ointment and powder on her and tried to give her a very small dose of motrin but she spit it out since i did not get it down her mouth enough so that she could not spit it out.

the weather here has been so weird for january. it was about 65 degrees here yesterday and today. tonight we are supposed to have showers and lots of wind. the wind botheres gracie even when she is feeling good so it might be a long night with her. i adore her even when she is grumpy she puts up with all of my moods and such. this might be tmi but i decided to mark on my calander to take her every month to get her shaved and avoid the matting and such. it is only sixteen dollars and some change to get it done. yesterday the vet was so busy...there ended up being four HUGE dogs in the vets office each weighing like over hundred pounds. she did really good with staying away from them..and they did a good job at staying away from her. she tends to get nervous so agressive so wants to fight and those dogs if they wanted to would mess her up good by even playing with her and such. i also think that with the dampness her arthritis is acting up too.

i am so happy for computers and blogging and emails...remembering to change the lighbulb in the porch...having friends who care for you just as you are and encourage you to be the best person one can be...gracie just taking her pill it took a couple trys but she did it....having nan call me when i asked her to call just for a bit of support and she did...hearing from andrew.....having a good conversation with mom today...gracie even on trying days....being able to wash and dry clothing at my place...blogger buddies..................diet cherry coke.........these are my lj's for today

good yet painful day..................

today has been a good day even though my pain level has been really intense. i did get up in plenty of time to get ready and not have to rush....it was hectic with the kids at childcare because some of the teachers did not show up first service and there were lots of kids and parents were hurrying to sign in their kids so the sign in shees got all jumbled up siging 3 year olds on the school age sheet and those type of things. i did help out in the 0 -17 month room because they had lots of babies in the room today! mom and i had a nice time going out to lunch and then to the dollar trere store. i came home and kind of took a nap and plan to head to bed around 8:00 tonight and watch t.v. and most likely will fall asleep watching t.v.
lj's for today....not over sleeping...holding constance and other babies at church...going to hong kong buffet....dollar tree fnding some things that i needed an the great thing at dollar tree is that actually everything is just a dollar or maybe two for a dollar unlike some stores here who say that they are dollar stores but have a wide range of prices....made plans to go out with maureen for coffee later on in the week....blogger buddies comments....

Baking..............

with mom and I had a good time and she did also. I ended up making lots of mini muffins..........some are blueberry with blueberry pie filling in them...applesauce ones that instead of liquid i used applesauce.....corn muffins with bacon and cheese and corn in them and then lemon poppy seed with a lemon glaze on top.....all of them turned out really well. i appreciate much mom helping me with them and that i could use her kitchen.

last evening was the night of one of the small groups that i go to and it was a really good discussion and prayer and sharing. it was a bit of a eventful trip to go because the driver of mainstream ran into a parked car just a house or two from where they were dropping me off. it was a new driver so he was really upset. the streets in that part of town people park on both sides of the road so it can be really tight at times. i called when i got home and they said that everyone was fine and he still had his job and such

i am going to be checking into a program of a mental health clinic here in town. the clinic pays for people who have mental illnesses to go to a community college here and to become like a social worker aide or peer support person. they allow you to just do half time like 10 hours or so a quarter and such. when one graduated you have to agree to work for them for a few years and if not then one has to pay back what the schooling cost them which makes sense to me and alot of companies make one do that same thing. i am exited to start the process and see how it goes. i am finding that i am either really over qualified for a job or really under qualified or due to my physical disabilities the job i would not be able to do or transportation is an issue due to location or time and such. i am asking people to pray that i could know checking into this if it is something for me to pursue or not.

gracie is laying behind me snoring...it was a busy day for her too.............first off someone knocked on the door and so she was barking and barking and by the time i got to the door the person had left but there were two huge suitcases at the door.....so i took them out by where the mailbox is thinking someone would recognize them but then i found a tag and was able to see they were my neighbors upstairs so i called her and she came down to get them and again gracie went off barking and barking and then when mainstream came to get me to take me to mom's again she heard the bus and knew what it was and barking lots again not wanting me to go and such. yesterday evenng she did something that she never has done before.....mainstream came and picked me up so i was in the patio and right now the porch light is out so it is dark so i am walking out the patio door when i see gracie HIDING on the patio!!! so so so so thankful that i saw her!!! so i said GRACIE you need to go inside and she got up and just walked like i got you worried huh she has never done that befiore and it would have been horrible for her to be out on the patio without me there and most likely if she did not leave the area herself someone would have called the pound and had her taken away.

i am hoping to get to sleep early early so that i will not wake up late!!! this week is a really busy week for me....i have one appointment on monday and then small group...i have an appointment in the morning on tuesday...wednesday i have two appointments...thursday i have an appointment and then friday i do not have any plans so far yet tammy and i might meet at target and loook around and this target has a starbucks in it..........YUMMY

i am really tired so going to wind down i think and head to bed soon........

quick hello

i have lots that i want to post about but yesterday and today are really busy days for me. i will most likely when i get back tonight after baking LOTS with mom share about some really great stuff that happened and is also most likely to happen. i mainly right now wanted to let my blogger friends know that i am fine just really busy.....it is the first time i am baking muffins for the regular church service and am soooooooo glad that mom is helping me because i need to make a minimum of twelve dozen mini muffins....i think that i am going to make some blueberry muffins with blueberry filling in the middle....poppy seed with a lemon glaze...banana with chocolate caramel chips....and maybe some applesauce muffins with using apple juice as the liquid is the plan right now. i also bought for the kids some plain sugar cookies so that they might not like the type of muffins that i am making plus then can most likely just have to make twelve dozen. a regular mix of muffins makes like twelve regular muffins and then about 3 dozen mini muffins. OH and mom and i also are going to make oreo balls for the two of us though i will probably share some of those with at least cory my job coach who LOVED them he said. i also plan to give him the recipe they are really easy. wml aka write more later

Goals.......................

I want to be able by next Thursay to have goals in mind for the year so theser are some rough drafts...I want to have short term and long term goals.

I want goals in areas such as health phusical being and eating...well not eating...exercising... the bariatric operation...swimming...see a dentist...have a pap test....those are two things i avoid big time....especially the dentist i have seen a dentist twice in 22 years!!!! can you tell that it is a phobia of mine???

then in spiritual to read the whole Bible in a year...read some out of the Bible daily......pray more by myself and with and for others...hope that God continues to use me as a vessel....would like to help get a group together that intercedes for the church and such...another issue on prayer is that i want to be less focused on me and more focased on God and pray for people when they need prayer on Sunday Mornings and at small groupls....

for mental...........decided if i am going to go take some classes...and if so where and when..determined to read more since i am an avid reader whould like to say minimum of 3 books a month. i might even want to try for 4 books a month....spend a few hours a week working on the book that i want to write.....would like to get a p.t. job even if it is just like 10 hours a week.......budget my money

social....try to get together at least once a week with someone...reach out with phone calls and emails to people...volunteer someplace where I can share my experiences and strengths and hope......get my place fixed up so that i can have people over...

i am going to think about with these rough gaols to make short term and long term

i saw on t.v. this man who was the heaviest person who is living right now. he was totally had to be in bed twenty four/seven and weighed at one time around 1100 pounds..... he had a great outlook on life.................anyway i bring that up because he was started on the zone diet and lost lots of weight even though he could not excerside really except for his arms so bringing that up because his attitufe was really great when he decided to lose the weight and such but also to ask if anyone knows of the zone diet and what do you think of it or your experiences of it? i would really like to know.
some lj's so far for today....warm sweatshirt since it is 15 degrees out so am bundled up even inside
gracie who is delighted to see me when we both wake up and she starts her "talking" and i think if she could talk she would be like what are we going to do today mom...why did we have to sleep and miss time to play....and why did you want to throw my "baby" aka as a stuff animal away when i love it so much.....his tail is missing is all.
having therapy today and i am in the mood to really work hard in therapy therapy.
made plans with michelle to get together on saturday at the mall.

a lj aka large joy is that the doctors seem to be getting closer to what is going on with my sister and how they might make it better...........it is some of the discs and the nerves and one test they did with nerve endings and one of the tests that they did the average person is to be around 17 and it is really acute if it is around 9 and hers was 7 1//2 so reallly acute. they are going to do some tests on her wrists and hands not. it is still really needing our prayers yet it does look like at least soon they will know all that is going on with her.

well i am going to eat some breakfast and then get ready to go to my appointment.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE! I SLEPT WAY WAY IN TODAY! I AM GOING OUT TO EAT WITH MOM IN A FEW MINUTES. I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT KROGERS IS HAVING A SALE ON MINI MUFFINS SO AM GOING TO BE BUY SOME OF THEM TODAY SINCE I SAID THAT I AM TO TAKE MUFFINS ON SUNDAY SO I THINK THEY WILL BE MOST LIKELY BETTER TASTING AND ALSO LESS HASSLES SINCE MOM DOES NOT MIND BUT I HAVE TO BAKE AT HER PLACE SINCE I DO NOT HAVE A OVEN THAT WORKS..........NOT SURE WHY I AM TYPING IN CAPITALS...HAVE SOME GOALS FOR THE NEW YEAR THAT I WILL SHARE ANTHER TIME. MOM IS PICKING ME UP TO GO OUT TO EAT AT BOB EVANS AND THEN I THINK THAT I WILL BUY SOME OF THE MINI MUFFINS AND PUT THEM IN THE FREEZER. LJ'S SO FAR TODAY ARE TALKING TO MY FRIEND MICHELLE AND MAKING PLANS TO GET TOGETHER NEXT SATURDAY AND THEN LATER ON IN THE MONTH GO TO OLIVE GARDENS AS A TREAT...I GOT A GIFT CARD FOR THERE FOR CHRISTMAS.....THE NEW RADIO STATIION CALLED THE RIVER THAT I REALLY LIKE LSTENING TO..CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAND MUSIC ALL TYPES OF MUSIC WTIH NO CUSSING OR LEWDNESS....PLAYING BALL WITH GRACIE....GOING OUT TO EAT WITH MOM...MINI MUFFINS AT KROGERS....OH AND A LJ IS WEIRD DREAMS BUT NO NGHTMARES.......................