Saturday...........................

I am so tired that I think that I could fall asleep at the computer. Sleep last night was very very minimal I think I slept from 7:00 a.m. - 9:30 a.m. I am determined to stay awake until 8:00 p.m. so that I will not mess up tonight's sleep so no nap for me....a nap looks so inviting seeing Gracie all cuddled up on the couch on her blanket.....
Today has been surprizingly an o.k. day.......the reason I say that I am surprized is because of being tired (but that perhaps means that the manic is slowing down) and with having 3 different types of hallucinations...seeing and hearing things and then feeling things like it feels like someone is tapping me on my shoulder to get my attention...and then it also is that time of the month which nowdays there is no routine or schedule just really irratic and are signes of early menapause....

This morning mom picked Gracie and I up....Gracie LOVES CAR RIDES and she is a delight to have along and just is such a cutie when she gets SO EXITED when she starts looking at me when I am gettign my shoes on and then I will ask her Do you want to see Gramma and go for a ride and she will be jumping for joy and yelping with joy and so we get her leash on and go outside. She NEVER has been a problem to take in the car no matter where we go. So mom picked us up and we went to the food pantry. I was so glad that someone came out of the building when he did because there were no cars in the parking lot and most days lots of people hainging around outside and such because mom and I almost left. I got inside and the people who work there said that they could not figure out why there were not many people there...it is cold temperature wise but it was not raining or snowing. I was there the last 30 minutes it was open and I was number 47 and so that is the number of people they had served in 2 hours and there was no line or anything...then as an example last week I was there within the first hour and I was number 79 and the man who was sigining in people said last week the total was around 175 people. So..........got some good grocieries and toiletries and then we went to run some errands. Mom bought lunch at Wendys and we ate in the car since Gracie was with us and then she had to go return some items at a store and ended up getting us both some items. We then went to the grocery store to get some items to go along with what I had been given and I am SO SO THANKFUL that mom went in for me because of all the mental health issues going on it would have been really hard for me to handle all of the noises and sights and smells etc etc.........plus again it is a day of really intense physical pain....it was really sweet too because with not working and it being the end of the month i do not have any foodstamps left nor cash and mom is always really great about helping me yet this time it was just really sweet that i had made a list of things that i could use and what things that i knew there was a sale on and such and she did not try to talk me into having her buy things that i did not have on the list or other choices then were on my list so that helped it be a better day also like she did not say anything about my wanting regular and diet pop since i have been trying to not drink regular pop and those sort of things.

so am back home doing some laundry and being on the computer. last night when i could not sleep i watched lots of the food channel so it was interesting to see some recipes and ones that sounded great to me and some sounded yucky to me. gracie stayed up almost all of the night like i did! she almost always if i am not sleeping at night she sleeps on and off and tries to stay awake when i am but lately she knows things are kind of rough so she stayed awake more last night and we found ourselves at about 4:00 a.m. playing catch and such.. i am going back and forth about the whole medication issues....mom and i talked about it some when she called a few minutes ago to see how i was doing. it was actually surprizingly a good conversation. she suggested that i start back on all of my medications again and i said with forgetting some and not taking thm some etc etc that it is not good for me to go from not taking a medication then to a full does of it whch most of the medications that i take are at high doses so she said well which medication is the most important one right now and i did not know so she suggested that i take the wellbutrin and i told her that i could not take it this late in the day because it will keep one awake and i do not need any help keeping me awake. so i told her tomorrow when we were out i would agree to go in and talk to ryan who is the pharmacist that i know really well and he knows me and ask what he suggests. she said could you call the pharmacy tonght and i said that they were open but i did not want to talk on the phone to them and did not want to talk to anyone but ryan and she said o.k. folks i almost wanted to cry because yesterday we got into a huge argument about medications and such and it was not good on either end and then today we were able to have a great conversation and i felt understood and cared about and i felt understood that even if it did not make sense to her and even though it does not totally make sense in my brain that we were able to talk and that she did not try to tell me that some of the things that i was saying did not make sense.it was just SO GREAT since the argument yesterday was horrible. I hate arguing! I hate arguing even more when I am not feeling heard! SO this conversation went much better. i had when i got home a message from maureen who i had tried to call twice yesterday but just left messages so she called me back and left a message so hoping we can connect tomorrow.
tomorrow is sunday so church in the morning...going out to eat with me then going to the library and then to buy socks for me which are much much needed and then tomorrow evening there are 3 shows that i like on so hopefully that will help me unwind and get to sleep early since on monday is a very early morning start for me and then going from one doctor appointment to my appointment with nan so need to pack for the day....a few cans of pop....something for lunch and then a snack. i have to get up early tomorrow too since i leave on sundays at 8:00 a.m.
so some lj's for today.......a very sweet thank you note from my nephew brendan and his wife courtney for their wedding gift. it is one of those card that i am sure i will read many times and get out to read when it is a bad day.......food pantry being open......mom's support and help in so many ways today...feeling that i am over the flu or ??? whatever it was it did not last long but wow was it intense!
gracie.......that i enjoy reading. i find it such a great escape on bad days and good days.....some of the many things that i am grateful for in no order........................1. God who I am amazed almost daily and that the creater of the universe loves and cares for me and loves me as I am and encourages me to be the best person I can be. 2. I am a kind and loving person who cares deeply about many things and that the horrific things that I went through in the past has not turnd me into a bitter and mean person. 3. I am told that if I did not have D.I.D. which helped me stay alive that I would most likely be in prison or in a 24/7 365 days a year psychiatiric hospital. 4. I have a roof over my head. 5. I have clothing to wear for cold weather and hot weather. 6. I have food to eat. 7. I have professionals in my life such as Nan and Dr Weiss and Dr. Blackburn who understand me and care for me. 8. Friends 9. Family. 10. Central Vineyard the people there and also grateful for what God is doing there. 11.Gracie 12. AA 13. N.A. 14. Blogger Buddies 15. Computers 16. Scientists who fgure out how to fix someones body by a procedure or medications 17. music 18. The Bible 19. Prayer 20. I can read and write and learn................there are SO SO SO SO many more things and people and places and such that I can mention and if I were not catching myself going to sleep while I type I would continue on but for now I will stop.

Friday Evening

My day has been a horrible day! I have been sick from about midnight on.......I am not sure if it is because of something I ate or nerves or medication issues. The hallucinations are still vivid...both visual and auditory. I also dread when it is getting cold and snow is starting just in dustings....I think snow is beautiful I just get scared of walking in it....and when it gets icey I just stay in all the time unless I have to go out for something because again fear of falling since my mobility is limited and on good days my balance is not good.
I aso know that not feeling good physically could also be a combination of everything. I hope everyone is having a good evening. lj's for today are just a few....gracie...computer...diet pop

HAPPY THANKSGIVING..............

Today has been an interesting day. Mom and I spent the afternoon at my friend September's home. She and her family (husband and two daughters) and extended family (Joes parents and Septembers mom) have always been so welcoming! I was nervous about going because of all that has been going on mental illnesses wise and such. I tend to get nervous whenever I am having lots of symptoms (such as hallucinations and such) and not at home. My mom said that I did fine with conversations when I asked her on the way home. I just get exhausted when trying to keep people from knowing about the symptoms going on and making sure that I do not say...well I am seeing or saw such and such or heard such and such from the walls or cars or ???? wherever the hallucinations are happening. I also had to deal with a nervous stomach and such too... and add to that with sleep and time being off norm I had to hurry to get ready this a.m. and had to stop at Walgreens on the way so I made Mom and I late getting there...Sep was fine about it but sill it just addes more to my brain to obsess about. So.........................as much as it went well it was good to get home.
I made a decision today that I know there will be lots of varied opinions about....but I just felt that it was one that I wanted and needed to try..............due to many reasons. So for right now I decided that out of the four psych meds that I am on I am just going to take one of them. I might try to see how I do reducing the one that I decided to stay on but it is the one that helps with sleep so probably will keep taking that one. Yes I know it does not sound smart with all that is going on to do that but my brain right now thinks that it is a good decision since I am having problems remembering to take them and remembering what the right dosage is since I get samples of those three there is not like a label which how much to take and such.............like a blogger buddy of mine I get tired of the side effects of them also.
I was planning on making a gratitude list last night and then thought of it today and then tonight I am thinking maybe tomorrow................so some lj's of today.....walgreens was open.......pat called and wished me a happy thanksgiving (i missed the call yet it was sweet that he called).......emails and blogger comments.......mom fixing me rice and some other items that i can microwave since my oven and stove do not work.......gracie who no matter if i am gone for a few minutes or hours is delighted to see me.......seeing a few flakes of snow.......cable t.v........another gracie lj is that she likes when i sing to her and even joins in at times.....

wednesday evening...............................

life is very chaotic in my brain! physical pain is really extreme! some lj's for today.......my appointment with nan.......pat calling me to check on me.......blogger buddy a emailing me.......not falling all the way when i tripped twice this evening.......
i am really hoping that i either go to sleep soon or can veg and relax watching t.v.

what a night and what a day........

well last night due to many issues....physical pain...hallucinating...o.c. stuff....wondering if today i would end up in the hospital and all of those issues that come with a hospitalization led me to not sleeping much. i had settled down around 5:00 a.m. and thought that i would be able to sleep some and then gracie started barking and barking and barking and i could not figure out why she was barking so was trying to get her to settle down and then around 5:30 i heard someone at my door and could see from my window that it was a large man and was freaked about that and was not about to go to the door when i did not know who it was and i thought well maybe it is a disgruntled neightbor that gracie's barking got awakened and is upset and then the man left as quick as he came so the knocking on the door got gracie even more upset so then my phone rings and i am thinking oh crap now someone called the cops cause of gracies barking but no it was mainstream!!!! the mainstream dispatcher said that my bus was in the parking lot! i never ever ever had taken mainstream that early for one thing....and the person who was supposed to schedule my ride for today it was to be at 5:30 p.m. not a.m.!!!! so told the dispatcher it was a wrong trip so the bus left and gracie and i calmed down some and then got some sleep! i did not hear the bus until it was leaving so glad that at least for my neighbors that the bus was quiet. i had planned to take mainstream to and from the support group tonight when i made the reservation but had planned on canceling it today anyway. so tonight when mom and i were out i thought i should call and make sure that mainstream did not screw up more and that i would still have an 8:00 p.m. trip home and guess what yes there was a trip in the system for me to have an 8:00 p.m. trip home. i am baffled at the person who made the mistake on the reservation would think that i would want to go to center for balanced living at 5:30 a.m. and then plan to stay until 8:00 p.m. !

so today has been somewhat better....the o.c. had slowed down and then was back lots during the movie that i watched...the hallucinations are more hearing than seeing things so a bit better. i think that it is going to be like the last hospitalization when i dealt with the hallucinations and not being in my body i mean like not being totally present and dealt with them the best that i could and then it was like one day i woke up and thought i cannot deal with this anymore without being inpatient. i really want to push myself and really hope that i can stay out over thanksgiving. i was really touched when maureen a woman i know from church called to ask what she could do and also wanted to tell me that if it came that i knew i needed to go to the hospital she would be happy to help me and give me a ride...she also mentioned she would be willing if i wanted for her to help me find someone who could keep gracie so that i would not have the expense of boardig her but she also totally got that for me to leave gracie with someone i would really have to know them and trust them. i was not able to meet with pat my case manager today due to him oversleeping and having car problems and such but we did talk on the phone and he said that he would check in with me a few tmes over the long weekend since most places as far as like doctors and center for balanced living will be closed on thursday and friday so i really appreciated his caring. he also though was more of the line of thinking that perhaps i should go ahead and go inpatient but i know it is because of his concern and care. the other thing that happened today is for awhile my computer was acting weird but seems fine now so that is for sure a large joy for today!
so some lj's for today are.......that i did not get any neighbors knocking on my door or calling because of gracie.......i got to see a movie in a theatre which i have not done in years.......i got in the mail my mainstream pass for december because there was a mix up at cota and i had to go get my november pass even though the check had been sent in plenty of time (october15th) to get the november pass so with my getting the december pass i did not lose any money....and will have some extra it looks like for the rest of the month....constance who is about 7 months likes to "talk" on the phone so she "talked aka babbling" to me when maureen and i were talking.......there are some t.v. shows that i like and can relax watching on tonight......

monday mumblings.......

well last night was not a good night at all! i still had much much physical pain...add into that the auditory and visual hallucinations and some o.c. stuff....then add into a horrible nightmare...and then could not find anything on t.v. to watch that would let me kind of escape.....so here it is 4:30 in the afternoon and i am hoping that i might take a nap and with that nap can escape for even a brief bit all of the stuff going on in my mind!
i saw nan today and she like i is really really concerned....she is going to call my psychiatrist to see if he suggests one of my medications being raised or letting me have a very small anti -anxiety medication...she is going to call pat my case manager to fill him in about things.....she is thinking that i might need to go into the hospital since things are so chaotic and manic thinking and with the hallucinations and all. i really do not want to go! i know why she is thinking of the hospital. holidays are hard but wow even more hard in a hospital. i though know it is really getting hard to function with all of the chaos going on. i asked her on a scale of 1 - 10 where would she rate today my needing to go inpatient and she said 6. i am concerned about the what will need to happen if i go in...such as gracie having to be boarded. she does great at for paws but it is another expense that my mom will have to pay for.....if i am in on thanksgiving will mom still go over to my friends house? i would realy want her to go...plus we are taking some food...two pies...rolls...dried corn...coffee,,,,
i am not sure what else to say but due to all that is going on if i do not post for a few days most likely i am inpatient and most likely at mount carmel hospital. phewwww..............can i come up with any lj's for so far today? hmmm...........my ride going home on mainstream was one of my favorite kind drivers...bubble gum.....having a computer......some library books that i have not read yet......and a big joy is that i trust nan and know she wants what is best for me and she is wise and caring and understands about lots of pyschiatric illnesses...and another lj even though she is really getting on my nerves today deep down i am really grateful to have gracie....

sunday ramblings..............

it has been a very interesting day for me today! one thing is that my pain level is really extreme....in the 10 hours that i have been awake i have taken 4 pain pills and 2 doses of motrin. i think that i will plan to be in bed relaxing my 8:00 p.m. when the shows that i watch on sunday evening start. i also find myself being more manic which for me places out with dealing with numbers alot....such as if i am waking up and plan to get out of bed it has to be an even number such as 7: 0 8 not 7: 07....i find myself multiplying and adding numbers lots if i am say riding in a car or maintream or doing things that do not take much thought. i also find myself talking lots more then i normally do to people i do not know well which could be a good thing again just not my norm. sleep continues to actually be lots but am thinking it will switch soon to not much at all or waking up lots during the night and not getting much sleep. i also find myself when listening to music wanting to pretend i am playing a drum and making percussion noises with my mouth.
i wish today that i would live closer to my blogger friend andrew. he is having a rough day with panic attacks and those are so crippling to deal with when they are huge. i reminded him on his blog that i am praying for him. i hope to write him an email too...so for those of you who read this even if it is not sunday please keep him in your prayers. it amazes me how when two people deal with similar issues even if you have not met in person you can grow close and be a support to each other.

i was so blessed to be able to be a part of the prayer vigil. God did speak to me about some things...some involving myself and some for other people i thought. one thing that i plan to talk to j and a about is getting a intercessory prayer group together to meet once a wek to pray for the church and other things. i also would like to talk with them about perhaps the office area being used for some social things and such perhaps another way of drawing people into checking out what jesus is all about and such. i just find myself more and more being able to know why I think God has me going to central vineyard.
o.k. my lj's for today so far....great sale items at walgreens such as for gloves...candy...dog food and such...a wonderful meal at bob evans that my mom treated me to....getting to share wth two people after church about programs and things in the columbus area for people who deal with mental illnesses who want to help her sister....knowing i can just relax the rest of the day and not have to be on my legs much...finding that shirt at dollar tree for m and s's baby son and it so fits their family and has two guitars on it and says rock...talking to the kids as the parents check them in for childcare and getting to know them more and know some of them by name...knowing that even though andrew and i live far apart that we can email and that i can pray for him.....so that reminds me of another lj and that is blogger buddies......................

quick post on saturday afternoon

well i think that i am getting manic...it shows up different for me then some other people who struggle with bipolar what i am noticing are things such as i am talking a bit more then my norm and like last evening at the shower i kept asking questions to people and when i am emailing people i write looooooooooooooong emails and things such as say when i awake in the morning i wait until it is an even time such as if the clock says 9:23 i feel the need to stay in bed and not start getting up until like 9:30 and counting lots while i am doing things such as multiplying numbers and such. i so wish that when i got manic that i would feel the need to walk lots or clean lots and such. it is weird though because during the day when i am awake i am noticing more manic behaviors but then at night i am going back and forth with sleeping i tend to either sleep lots or not much and wake up often so it is kind of weird to have both things happeneing at the same time but hey that is my life with bipolar.
today i went to the food pantry and then mom bought me some tim hotons hot chocolate and now i leave in a few minutes to go to the prayer vigil.................
so i will add to this later on today but for now some lj's....hot chocolate....gracie...not having to turn my heat on yet...being able to go see a movie in a theatre tomorrow for free....getting an email from my friend s who liked the ideas that i gave her in regards to an interview she has on monday...my giving myself some slack and not getting all worried about the bipolar issues....my friend j who i delight in our friendship and am in awe of his nature pictures that he takes and is gracious enough to share and how he presses on and deals with his mental illnesses issues. i am blessed and honored to have him as a friend....oh and this is more of a large joy then a little but it is such a HUGE blessing to get help with the costs of my medications! i only had to pay one dollar yesterday for an rx that without the help would have been almost two hundred dollars...
one more thing so that i do not foget it...on monday my sister sees the pain doctor again and then on tuesday she sees the neurologist so please pray that the doctors can figure out what is going on with her and how she can be treated and that if there are tests that she needs to have that they can be done quickly and not having to wait a few weeks and such.

quick post on saturday afternoon

well i think that i am getting manic...it shows up different for me then some other people who struggle with bipolar what i am noticing are things such as i am talking a bit more then my norm and like last evening at the shower i kept asking questions to people and when i am emailing people i write looooooooooooooong emails and things such as say when i awake in the morning i wait until it is an even time such as if the clock says 9:23 i feel the need to stay in bed and not start getting up until like 9:30 and counting lots while i am doing things such as multiplying numbers and such. i so wish that when i got manic that i would feel the need to walk lots or clean lots and such. it is weird though because during the day when i am awake i am noticing more manic behaviors but then at night i am going back and forth with sleeping i tend to either sleep lots or not much and wake up often so it is kind of weird to have both things happeneing at the same time but hey that is my life with bipolar.
today i went to the food pantry and then mom bought me some tim hotons hot chocolate and now i leave in a few minutes to go to the prayer vigil.................
so i will add to this later on today but for now some lj's....hot chocolate....gracie...not having to turn my heat on yet...being able to go see a movie in a theatre tomorrow for free....getting an email from my friend s who liked the ideas that i gave her in regards to an interview she has on monday...my giving myself some slack and not getting all worried about the bipolar issues....my friend j who i delight in our friendship and am in awe of his nature pictures that he takes and is gracious enough to share and how he presses on and deals with his mental illnesses issues. i am blessed and honored to have him as a friend....oh and this is more of a large joy then a little but it is such a HUGE blessing to get help with the costs of my medications! i only had to pay one dollar yesterday for an rx that without the help would have been almost two hundred dollars...
one more thing so that i do not foget it...on monday my sister sees the pain doctor again and then on tuesday she sees the neurologist so please pray that the doctors can figure out what is going on with her and how she can be treated and that if there are tests that she needs to have that they can be done quickly and not having to wait a few weeks and such.

busy weekend ahead............

it is going to be a busy weekend ahead yet i think as long as i do not get overwealmed being around people alot it will be alright. tonight is a baby shower for will who is going to be born in january son of teresa and jeff. the theme was a few of your favorite things so i was able to get at dollar tree some of those heavy cardboard books. i think reading to babies on up through childhood is such a great thing. i am so glad that i like to read.....it really can calm me down plus i learn much too. tomorow mom is picking me up early morning to go to the cooper road vineyards food pantry. i got a pass that i can go every week for a month which will be such a huge help with basic items and more...then central vineyard is having the prayer vigil at the office. i like how it is set up that mainly one prays on your own and they have different rooms you can go into and they put paper up on the wall where people write prayer requests and then also put up some pictures of the orphanage and kids who live there and such. i plan to spend my afternoon there...and if you want to pray with someone you can it is just i meant not like a group activity people come and go....on sunday is church and then someone at central vineyard is reimbusing people for the ticket cost if you go see the new movie "bella" it is a movie that won awards at the canada movie awards and is to be a really family movie and to have a good message for people....so mom and i are going to see that and then eat out too i am sure........so as i said a very busy weekend for me!
the fall is really going fast isn't it? well lj's for today are.....mom running me on errands and giving me a small amount of money in case i need it.....having a really kind clerk at the dollar tree who did not understand how to use the ebt car (food stamp card) but stayed kind and was hassled at her boss who was being a jerk but was very kind to me and was not hassled at me. i think she even gave me some items free which i asked her don't i owe more and she said no.....my getting gracie into the patio before the dog who was running free without a leash could get to her.....an email from a friend i had lost touch with when i changed churches....finding this delightful bag that is a cat face to put the present in and only having to pay one dollar for it.....
i sure plan to do lots of my christmas shopping at the dollar tree. oh i tried the brand amy's black bean burritos and they were wonderful! i like her stuff but do not buy in much because it is kind of pricey but it sure is wonderful.

Tired....

well it seems like my sleep is swinging from not much to lots! i am trying not to fight it hoping that it will get more regular soon. i think even though it is just 7:30 p.m. i am going to throw the load into the dryer and take my medications and get ready to go to bed and watch t.v. and perhaps read too. not much to say yet will share some lj's from today.....looking at the pictures on andrew's blog of the moon....a man who i know from cova (where i go to get help looking for work) he has lots of issues is deaf and does not know much sign language besides basic but we always wave hi and such well today i could not get the juice vending machine to work and it took my dollar and would not give it back to me and he was in the vending area and he left and came back with maggie the receptionist to see if she could help me. i did not get i back and just left my name and the amount with maggie i just thought it was really sweet of that man to do that....my friend s and i figured out what mom and i are going to take for thanksgiving. it will be alot of fun to be there...having nice mainstream drivers....i had some real cheese to mix up with the powdered cheese from box mac and cheese...good t.v. shows on that are not really violent and such so easy to watch before one goes to sleep.....

9:30 p.m.

YEAH...I just wanted to share that my pain medication and the motrin kicked in and my pain level is more tolerable. I am hungry now that the pain is less and trying to decide what to have to eat. I am thinking I should eat some protein or something but I am wanting ice cream and cookies and I think that is most likely what i will eat.

PAINFUL DAY

Today has been one of the very worse pain that I have felt in a very long time! I did go to the hearing screening with mom and she treated us to lunch and then we ran two errands. I had not taken with me any motrin or my pain medication before I left nor did I take any with me which is not a good thing! I came home and the very first thing I did after getting my things inside the door was to take my pain medication and some motrin so hoping here in an hour or so it will kick in and give me some relief. I need to call my doctor tomorrow to get an new rx for the pain medication and since it is a narcotic it has to be an actual rx to take to the pharmacy and they cannot just do it over the phone. I am so frustrated because when I was at the dollar tree I bought some motrin and now I cannot find it! I had enought for a dose tonight and a small dose tomorrow I think that I am also going to make an appointment to see her so that we can talk about other pain relief options. I get so sad and frustrated when the pain is this bad! Mom and I had a good time together and had a really good discussion about churches and teachings and such.
So my plan for this evening is to sit lots and be on the computer or reading or t.v. and get things ready for my busy day tomorrow....i leave at 8:45 a.m. which is really really early for me and so i will get to the center about 9:30 and have a half hour before my appointment with nan. i will most likely take some yougurt and a breakfast bar to eat breakfast there and then after therapy I will wait for another 45 minutes or so and then go to cova which is the place my job coach and career developer are and I have an appointment with him and then will have some time before and after my appointment before my ride comes so am taking lunch and a puzzle book and a book to read. i really do not mind getting places early and having to wait afterwords becaue i am SO THANKFUL for the service that takes me places. I am the type of person who gets really nervous and upset if I arrive someplace late so I always make sure that I will be early and I always get nervous that say an appointment will not be over and I will have to interupt it to leave so always plan when I can to get picked up a bit after whatever I am doing is over. I also think that the price is so cheap with gas prices and such. I get a monthly pass and I can go anywhere in Franklin county and can use it limitless times so especially when I work I get more then my moneys worth! The pass is $70.00 and if I just paid cash it would be $3.00 for most trips and some of them would be $3.25 so one figures that on a typical week I use it for 12 times so if I paid out of pocket it would be $36.00 plus a week x four weeks after two weeks I have gotten my moneys worth. I have heard that they are going to raise the pass which makes sense to me but people get upset about it.
Yesterday evening I got to talk with my friend M and it was so good to talk to her! She had been on vacation with her family and went on a cruise. She had a great time! I was so happy for her that it went well for her because it was her first time to fly ever and she said after the first one she was fine. She also found out that there were lots of accessible places she could go so that was great since she uses a wheelchair. I hope that when we get together in a couple of weeks that she has her pictures developed to show me.
My lj's for today are....a really good time with my mom. I appreciate those in general yet especially when I am in one of my more acute times with my mental illnesses...I got my sister's new cd so am eager to listen to it. I was just thinking I ought to sometimes post her website and myspace and such....good books to read...of course Gracie....my blogger buddies....oh and that even though I was running way slow and behind this a.m. that I was ready when mom picked me up. Mom would have been fine if she waited some as I said it is just an issue of mine. I am not sure that I will post tomorrow even though I am trying to do it daily yet with getting up early and such a busy day not sure......
Oh I did want to mention about food. Yesterday was a really rough one! I binged big time in the evening. I would say that overall my binging has increased some now that it is November. I also am knowing that sometimes when I call it a binge it is more like overeating...of course because of amounts yet also because of the emotions that go along with it and with overeating typically I am not meaning to numb and such. It has helped keeping track of food in an email that I am going to sent to Nan once or twice a week but I sent one to her yesterday during the afternoon and since the binge I have not started one again to her....I wonder if deep inside I am embarrassed which perhaps I am but I find it really easy to talk to and share deep thoughts and feeling with her....maybe it is because of the physical pain that I did not get around to it though I do find that the more acute my physical pain is the more likely I will binge. I do also realize something that people have been telling me for years which is if you eat breakfast then one is less likely to binge. So here is a question for those who happen to read this and you can either answer here on if you have my email address and would prefer to do it that way.....what do you snack on in the evenings when you are truly hungry?

lots of sleep and lots of tears........

i sure slept LOTS last night! i slept from around 12:00 a.m. till 2:30 in the afternoon! i woke up to get the messages from my phone that something had come up and pat could not meet with me today so went back to sleep and so did gracie and she woke me up at 2:30 and had also been asleep...i know that she had been because if she had been awake she would have woken me up sooner. i am finding myself in lots of tears today about some stuff going on with me and stuff going on with people i care about. i need to remind myself that there are days like today more often in the fall and getting closer to the holidays too. well i need to get some laundry done and want to work on knitting or some crafts to give myself something to focus on............lj's for today.......gracie who is here no matter what mood i am in....a computer that works.......bubble gum......diet pepsi....good music on the radio....my blogger friend andrew who gets it and understands me and also that i get it and undertand what he goes through...other blogger buddies...

beautiful fall leaves

the place that i go to therapy and psychiatrist and support group is what used to be called center of eating disorders and now the new name is center for balanced living. it is located on what used to be harding hospital campus and now is owned by osu. the location has lots and lots of trees and big huge beautiful trees and is so peaceful to sit out on one ot the benches and look at all the nature....lots of chimpmunks and such and also there are dear that live in the woods so often times one can see a deer or two. my therapist nan said that last week there was a mom deer and two babies laying down relaxing on the grounds by one of the buildings and she had also seen just one deer walking around. i hope to be able to see the baby deers. i often schedule my mainstream rides so that when the weather is good i have the time to sit outside and bask in the wonderful nature.
well no surprize to me my sleep seems to be getting more chaotic...sleeping off and on and off and on and then falling asleep early in the morning so that i really did not want to have to get up and moving when i did so had to hurry to get myself ready and grab something to take for breakfast since i did not have time to eat at home and get gracie out and back inside....and also because of being in a hurry forgot to take my meds so i just remembered that and with it being close to five p.m. it is too late in the day to take them because if i did that would mess with my sleep even more.
it was a good session with nan. she is really supportive and wise and always seems to have some creative ideas about things. i think it is going to be a real positive my keeping tabs on what i eat when and how much i ate and what was going on and what feelings i had and i am keeping that on an email and then plan to send it once or twice a week to nan so we can see patterns and such. i think that i already have mentioned that i think that i am going to start looking at options for treatment centers to go to sometime in the new year.......i still am interested in the operation just really need to have the binging under control before i have that. binging is way way way down and better than years ago but i still find myself overeating more then binging but for example last evening i binged big time and was and am frustrated with myself. physical pain seems to be a huge trigger for me to binge..........really hoping that working on crafts and learning how to knit will help the binges and overeating be much much much less.......
some lj's for today....getting an email from my sister and her mentioning how much she liked the email card that i sent to her.......reading a book by judy collins who i really respect as a singer and as a writer...finding in the fridge the really yummy salad dressing that is really great tasting and low calorie....having more ideas about designs for the stationery i hope to make....having a really kind mainstream driver for my pickup who did not get upset when it took me a few minutes to get outside....tammy being very understanding of my deciding not to get together today....i am glad that i made the decision to just come home after my appointment and am glad that also that i made the decision for tomorrow to just have my appointment with pat my case manager and then be at home.

sunday evening................

well it has been a good weekend but i find myself glad to get back home and it just be myself and gracie! i had one of not sleeping good nights last night most likely to not taking the whole dose of serequil. i only took about a fifth of the dose because i needed to take the max of my pain medication and i do not like the feeling of when i take the max pain medication and the whole dose of serequil...i find myself again tonight in major pain and needing to take the max pain medication but also need to sleep so it does not kick me into a manic phase so guess i will take the whole dose of serequil and hope that relaxing with my legs up will help calm the pain down.
today was busy....i left home at 8:00 a.m. to go to church and then my ride picked me up at 12:30 p.m. i came home and let gracie out and fed her and played on the internet until time for mom to pick me up at 2:00 p.m. we went out to eat at applebees...we each had onion soup and then split one of the choose 3 combos so we each had a mini cheeseburger and about 5 shrimp each and each about 1/3 of a mexican wrap....good food yet more meat than i usually eat. we then went to the arlington library so i could return books and pay my fines and check some books out and then from there we went to dollar tree and i got some great deals! i like dollar tree because the have many items and unlike some of the stores that say that they are a dollar store every item in dollar tree is a dollar. i was able to get 3 cardboard baby books which will be good for a shower i am going to on friday...found a really cute toddler shirt that had two guitars and said rock and hope that it fits patrick whose dad is the worship pastor at central vineyard and got some food items and remembered to get motrin and a travel mug for coffee....then mom wanted to go to meijers to get the deal on shrimp so we went there but i just stayed in the car due to enough stimulization with people and noises and lights and such and enjoyed a cold pepsi. so i am back home and enjoying hanging out with gracie and i like some t.v. shows that are on tonght....and knowing me i might read and watch t.v. or more likely fall asleep in front of the t.v. i would like to do at least one load of laundry tonight.
tomorrow is therapy day and i have an idea that it might be intense. i made tentative plans to get together with tammy tomorrow after her therapy session...we both go to the same place for therapy but if i am still feeling the way i am right now i think that i will just want to come home and stay home for the rest of the day. we also made tentative plans for tuesday also to go exercising together at a place where we both have memberships and i should go but again i am feeling like i just kind of want to stay home lots over the next couple of days.........the time change and it getting dark earlier kind of throws me for a loop until i get used to it and the cold and dreary rainy days like today also have an impact on my wanting to stay in.
so my lj's for today are.....good buys at dollar tree....finding books that i want to read from the library and being able to pay my fines so that i can check out books....bubble gum i am getting hooked on it and it does help me when i am stressing out....having a place where i can be alone as far as no other human interactions when i want....gracie....and an lj which is actually a bj (big joy) are blogging buddies.....well off to do some laundry and decide if i am going to eat something and to have a peaceful evening.....

Afternoon at the Library

i spent the afternoon at the library. i can always spend hours and hours at a library. today was the second time since I quit working at the main library downtown that i went to that location....it is a mixture of thoughts and feelings when i do go there...there are things that i miss about working there and things that i really do not miss. i talked with jimmy a man i know who works there and he said that it had gotten really bad to work there and he would not encourage me to try to apply again to work there. i know that i would not be hired anyway because now if you are out on the main floor you cannot sit down.
mainstream came early for me so i was not quite ready so had to hurry to get my shoes on and get gracies food out and such but i made it but had not taken the time to eat yet so had to grab something at the library. java master has a location at the library and today they had some sandwiches along with the goodies so i did eat a sandwich and also indulged in my all time favorite frozen coffee drink which is called a milkyway freeze....so yummy! i still owe some fines so cannot check out books in the columbus library system but did peruse a few books and wrote down the titles to remember to read another time. i can check out books from the upper arlington library system so will look for the books there. i feel really crappy about something that happened.....i went into the library and got my sandwich and drink and there are tables where one can eat because one cannot eat in the library but you can take in drinks...so i am enjoying my sandwich and this guy next table over says hi and i say hi and then he says his name and what is yours and by that time i was done with my sandwich and just said excuse me and left to go into the library. he might have been a really nice guy and perhaps as often times at that library being downtown the homeless population hangs out in a warm place and maybe wanted a cup of coffee or something and i just was rude and walked away. i felt crappy because typically i am often times more comfortable talking with people who are homeless or struggle with mental illnesses and 12 step people then talking with "typical" people......so i felt really crappy about it and asked God to forgive me. i was i guess just so focused on wanting to read and look at books that is why. i just feel like if someone needs something and asks who am i to not give some help if i can do so and if i give them some money and that person chooses not to have coffee but to buy some beer or such that is their choice.....o.k. did not mean to get onto a tangent just needed to share that i feel really crappy about not being kind to another human being.
gracie was so so so glad to see me when i got home which she always is but more so when i have to leave in a hurry to go someplace like this afternoon. i ordered a salad from the pizza place like a block from my place and when the delivery guy came to the door gracie ran into me and i lost my balance and caught myself but now my ankle is hurting more than usual and i am wondering if i sprained it...i plan to just prop it up later on while i knit and i already took my pain medication and motrin so that should kick in soon. i am kind of mad at myself since i ate out lunch and then ordered dinner but i enjoy the salads and i find with living by myself it is hard to get a huge variety of things for a salad and for them to stay fresh...gosh as i reread this i have been on myself lots today haven't i? i am sure too that part of it is because i did not take my meds today mainly because of having to rush to get to the mainstream bus..............well let me think here of some lj's for today...............milkyway freeze....enjoying the conversation i had at the librar with a young woman who i know from church....eric one of the security guards at the library tell me he missed me....finding some books that i am eager to read in the future....the feeling one gets when you arrive home and your dog is so so exited to see you and makes you think you are the best thing in the world to her....checking out some blogs that some of them i have read before and some i have not.............

thank you andrew

for your comments and concern. it really helps knowing that you understand! today so far is somewhat of a better day. sleep was really chaotic for me i would rather spend a night awake then the sleeping off and on and off and on and off and on all night! i also am trying to remember to take my medications like i should even though as andrew posted about sometimes the side effects make me not want to take them yet for me i also just feel like i am on so many.....i am on one for depression and then three for the bipolar and d.i.d. and then i have to often take pain and then another rx for medical reasons. i have dropped the one for depression by taking just half of the dose and that little bit less really has an positive result of less side effects. i would like to be able to get off of the lamictal. i did the last time i saw my psychiatric doctor talked about if i was stable that after october and november were over we would talk about dropping some doeses. i have to take the serequil to be able to sleep and am on a really high dose yet if i do not take it i do not sleep and then that often throws me into a manic not sleeping pattern. the only other thing i think that would help me sleep is if i drank but that would NOT be good thing even when it is tempting at times.
food so far today has been good....i just have eaten breakfast and made good choices with eating oatmeal and yougurt. i decided to keep track of what i am eating and what the feelings are and such.....and i think that will help me and nan(my therapist) see patterns and such.
oh i wanted to mention that on some of the blogs of my blogger friends from outside of columbus i am having trouble leaving comments on them so wanted to mention to andrew that i got a smile out of the pictures of your dog. thanks for sharing those.
i go to cova today for an appointment with my job coach and then hoping to come back home and clean and do some laundry and also try to knit some too. i had agreed with nan that i would clear off my table so that i can do some arts and crafts which i really like to do and also it is a good stress buster for me and something i can kind of focus on and stop some of the obsessive thinking and such. i also want to try to figure out some ideas of things to make to make some christmas gifts for family and friends. i will see how it goes......i have got to clean my floor too which is difficult for me with my pain level and leg issues and such but it i know will make me feel much better about my place if i get that done yet knowing that my pain will be acute after i do that but i am thinking i will take my pain medications and then plan to stretch out and put my legs up afterwards for awhile.
o.k. i am determined to think of some positives so will want to make an effort to when i post to think of some lj's so for today.......the lj's so far are... talking with my sister on the phone which we rarely do we email lots yet sometimes i just really want to talk in voice....gracie was extra cuddly this morning....finding all of the library books so i can get those returned this weekend....knowing that i made plans to get out tomorrow. i really enjoy going to the library downtown to watch people. it is such a diverse group of people who go to that branch...having oatmeal for breakfast i really find it one of my comfort foods....having a comment from andrew and knowing someone gets it......having a computer....so anyone want to share their lj's? if you forget what an lj is it is a little joy of the day which makes the day a bit better not huge things just little things. i would really like to know others lj's..................

What to say........................

I have not gotten back into blogger world like I thought I would when October was over....mainly due to November is kicking my butt emotionally with the mental illnesses. I also had thought that again when October was over that food would get back on track and better choices and such and that has not happened either. I am rethinking AGAIN about going inpatient treatment for the eating disorder YET it is hard to find a place that will take me due to my size being what the medical field considers super obese and then with the mental illnesses that complicates things also.
I know that part of what is going on with me is that I do not deal with the time change and it getting dark so early and it makes me not want to get out when it is dark so that creates more isolation.....it has been an interesting week..
i found out that my case manager the best case manager i ever have had is looking to go to get his masters so will be leaving when he gets in....i did learn today how to do some basic knitting stiches and cast on and such and i really enjoyed it and who knows maybe i will have a new hobby...a mainstream bus was involved in a really bad accident where a truck (not a semi) ran into five cars and the busy and the bus was totaled. it really got me to thinking about life and death and how God must want me on earth and that i have purpose because the bus that was in the accident had just dropped me off and when i heard about it i was told that if there had been passengers in the bus they most likely would have been killed because some giant tool boxes came flying through and breaking out windows by where the passengers sit!....so that has had me pondering much! i did decide i am going to REALLY put forth effort to keep track of when and what i eat and also push myself to go swim during the day a couple times a week and that will help me not only physically yet it will help me not isolate also. i also find myself wanting to do more spiritually and then do not do things like read the bible everyday and i know God is calling me to interceed for people and causes and i have been doing lousy at that this week and i really want to be able to do some missions but am really doubting that with all of my mental illnesses and physical limitations that will not happen ....well that is the scoop for me today. i just wanted to add that even though i have not been in blogger land much i do think of my blogging buddies from out of town lots....hope that you all are taking great care of yourselves....and i am trying to take good care of myself.

October is over....................

and I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy that it is over! It for sure had some really rough days yet was better than I thought that it would be. November can be also a rough month for me yet just like I did in October Nan(therapist) and I are coming up with a plan. I think that I will blog more now that October is past. One reason I did not post more in October is because it felt like to raw of sharing via a blog where almost anyone can read it and also many of the things that I would have said are contoversial and did not want to get into discussions with others on some subjects. O.K. so all of that being said my plan is to really start blogging more about my e.d. and eating and such and also make sure to mention lj's too.