quick update

i have to make this very short since i am on a computer at the library....my computer at home is not working (major pain in the butt since it is one of my stress busters) and my anxiety and mental illness(s) are getting worse....probably will have to go into the hospital for a few dayss. i am keeping myself safe and such just lots lots going on. i will miss writing often and reading other bloggers. the plan as far as the computer goes is to see if my friend john can fix it and if not call a local company that i have used before and have them fix it.....please do not worry about my going into the hospital it happens now less and less but as i said it all is kicking my butt right now.

Eating Out...............

Mom and I ate out today. I enjoyed it while I was there but the food did not agree with me here a few hours later...I ate a steak and mashed potatoes and salad bar...I think that the things such as the macaroni salad and the steak did not agree with me. It also could be that since I had not eaten anyting except for a few crackers that is why it did not settle well. I have got to start drinking more water again! I have got to stop drinking as much pop as I have been also. My mom paid today for lunch and for dog food for Gracie and a haircut for me and a new day planner. I do not know what I would do without her help! She even bought me some new clothes for when I get a job. I am really going to try to save them for the most part till I work to keep them in good shape.

anothe mention of new blog...........

If you are interested please either here or or send a message to my email and i will send you the information. You can access my email at blessedleper@yahoo.com

Beautiful Weather...................

wow I think if I lived someplace where it was like in the low 70's most of the time I would do so much better in many ways! Well it has been just a tad bit over a year since I started this blog....my goal when I began was to share about my e.d. and have that the focus well it seems to me it has been mixed now with lots of issues including lots about my mental illness(s)....so I have made a decision to start another blog and have it be more about the mental illness(s) and have the focus of this one be more about what my original intention was. I am thinking with the new blog to have it possibly be a friends only one so that I can feel more comfortable sharing about what is going on...for my blog buddies please know I want you to read the new one. So probably will start that today or tomorrow and let you know the information as I do. I think the new one could also be some talk about the book I plan to write about the severe P.T.S.D. and such. I am not thinking of anyone in specific that I do not want to read it I just want to be able to know who is and such.

sunday afternoon

It is still a really rough time right now. I did end up erasing the post that i wrote yesterday thinking after i wrote it i felt like i shared too much....and things that might be hard for people to understand. i went to the pharmacy this afternoon and even though i got the card in the mail yesterday (medicaid) there is still a problem with getting my medications so right now i am still completely out of pain medication which is really x 1000 crappy! i have a very high tolerance for pain so when i hurt it is major pain...i am thinking of taking some trazedone just to hopefully calm down some.....though it is supposed to to help with sleep and i do not use it anymore for that since it was not good at helping me get to sleep so is kind of the addict in me i think wanting to get out of this emotional and physical pain that i am in right now. i am so x 1000 glad that my therapist is back in town tomorrow!!! i am also so glad that i have an appointment with her scheduled for her tomorrow. i hope to kind of "numb" out by reading or watching t.v. i think it would help if i try to remember h.a.l.t. which stands for hungry..angry....lonely...tired which is something that is talked about in 12 step meetings so that when one is either hungry or angry or tired or lonely that one is more prone to use so since right now i am all of those i think that i will get something to eat.....and then maybe journal or something and then probably watch television or read and try to relax....

thursday evening...................

thank you who responded to my computer questions. i appreciate it lots. it was a rough day yesterday and worse today. i just wish and hope that someday there will be something that i am at least average about....my mental illness(s) are kicking my butt....and my therapist is on vacation.....and i cannot quit crying.....i have been crying out to God lots too. that is all i got for today.

Monday Monday...........

I think tbat tbe title of my post is the same as the name of a song be the Mamas and the Pappas....am I right? I am happy that today it is sunny out and not too warm it seens though where my apartment is located with the patio in the shade it stays really nice. It has been a HUGE blessing since my air conditioner does not work right now and I do not have the money to fix it right now BUT also I am finding myself I think to be perimenapause and find that I am more cold natured now. I even have been sleeping with a cover on me and have not turned on a fan in the bedroom yet I do use the fan in the main room.
O.K. I know some about computers but now alot so am getting really frustrated with not knowing how to add links to my blog. I am also at times not being able to add a comment on someone else's blog...it will come up this page not found...does that mean that whoever's blog it is is writing on it or something because at times it will be all day that I cannot add something or maybe just part of the day, So it is times like these I wish Andrew and I were in the same town since he knows so much about computers and since I have MAJOR PHOBIAS about letting most people in my place that is not an option so saying all of that to say if someone can comment and guide me through putting links on may blog and can also give me ideas why I am getting that message about page not being found ans such it would be much appreciated.
Gracie has spent a good amount of time outside and so I am going to bring her in and wastch some television or read a book and hopefully take a nap....still really tired today.

Sunday..........................

what a day it has been! I went to church this morning and helped with the children first service and then second service went to it. my nephew came and went to church with me and afterwords we met mom at applebees for lunch. it was the first time that i remember that my legs acted up (not letting me stand) for so long! i was embarrassed and scared that i would not be able to get up and such. i finally did get up and the rest of the day so far has been fine with getting up and down though my left knee is really hurting and my right food is really hurting. so.........i am back home and gracie is enjoying the outside and i think i will make it a really early evening to go to bed and watch television and read. my mom was so kind and went into giant eagle for me to get some groceries since my walking was so bad today. i am still really tired but was up much of the night on and off thinking about my nephew jordan and praying too. It was great to hang out with Jordan.
I read something in the paper today that was QUITE ALARMING to me.....there is typically now in Columbus a shortage of beds for psychiatric patients so some are being moved to OTHER CITIES and then some have spent like DAYS in the E.R. !!! Well as most people know that if a person is coming to the E.R. they are in bad shape and most people are in an acute stage new places and spaces that are chaotic (which and E.R. is) is going to make people worse and especially for people who have social anxiety and such! O.K. and then add in to lots of having to deal with doctors and nurses on different shifts and then add to that the chaos of the E.R. with dying people and loud noises of machines and people and such. So now the way my brain works is what if I have to go into the hospital and what if I have to stay in the E.R. or if they move me to a different city which for me would probably be more anxiety producing than the E.R. and so am calming myself down in that typically lately the reasons I am in the hospital is if I am having medication issues so as long as I was not going to be harm to myself or others than they would not have to make me stay and if my anxiety is so high I am sure that I could get by with going to my doctor's office or even the E.R. like once daily to get a mega shot which is what generaly do when it is going on. I am just amazed at how my brain can project!!! Well that has been my day so far....looking foward to watching some television and reading a book and since I went to the library I have several choices.

Fajita Fun.........................

Today was a really fun and relaxing day....September. Dee (her mom), Autumn (her daughter) and I went to Dayton to the Fajita Festival. It was held at a little park which had lots of shade. It was a beautiful day to be outside. The festival is a fund raiser for Special Olympics and they surved fajitas (chicken or beef) chips and salsa and they also had hotdogs and corn on the cob. It was $10.00 a person and kids were free 10 and under.It was located in Dayton Ohio so a nice drive. We stopped at ? a wonderful ice cream place in Hilliard...so back at home and in major pain but it was worth it and I knew before going I would be in pain. I was really glad to spend time with all of them. Autumn is going to Duke University as a freshman so most likely the last time I will see her before she leaves. The trip September paid for everthing because of my birthday. I was shocked that her mom got me a dvd of a movie and also a gift certificate for Amazon!
Yesterday I posted that I was freaking out some about the way that i was feeling well so later on in the day I was thinking and solved what was going on...my fibro was acting up...so then I was able to relax. Tomorrow I get to spend some time with Jordan my nephew....he is coming to Columbus and visiting church with me and then we are going to meet mom for lunch and then maybe go to a movie afterwords. It will be good to see him.
My sister Marianne gave me a couple of cds for my birthday and I am blessed so much by Jasom Gray and his cd is called " all the lovely losers" I have not checked if his songs are on myspace or someplace but song The Cut. WOW. and the rest of the cd is very mving. The other artist I got a cd of is Leah Martnesen and she tours with my sister for the recovery tour and the favorite song of hers that is on it is " Race Cars in the Rain" I think most people can relate to knowing someone like what the song talks about. I think since I am in so much pain and since I have to leave early in the morning and it is going to be a busy day I will go to bed and read and watch television. I think it listed wrong on the cd it...the song of Leah Martesen.

Birthday Cake and Gracie....................

yesterday there was some birthday cake to bring home and one of my favorite rituals I and my sister do is the morning after our birthday we eat birthday cake for breakast so...................last evening i put the cake up where I did not think Gracie would get it. She does not typicaly like when she tries to get it off a table if it is falling off she gets nervous and such so does not try BUT last evening she got brave and when I woke up this morning I came out to find the birthday cake almost all gone ! I was SO glad that it was not chocolate. She seems to be fine but knew by my expression and words this mornng I was NOT happy. It looks like there is a part of the cake that is leaning up against the box that she did not get to so should be able to get a few bites. It is intersting because right before I fell asleep I thought that I should maybe move the cake just in case she got brave so gueses I should have listened to my intuition. I have been SO SO tired lately which of course my brain always goes to horrible things like cancer or being a diabetic or today I am wondering if I have mono but do not know where I would have gotten it....and then also my mind goes to maybe it is just medications or something but my mind goes to extremes like maybe I should go to the emergency rooom but would feel quite sily going on and them asking what is wrong and for me to say I am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open and add to that I can be a worrier and get obessed about things so they would probably do a psychaitric consut and tell me I am fine as far as the physical goes......oh crap i just remembered I do get this way sometime before a migraine...........sure hope not! The reason I thought about the migraine is that I just looked out my window and it hurt to look at the sun. I think I am going to curl up with a book or not depending how the headache goes and take a nap.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME..........................

Today has been for the most part a really great day! I am so exited that today I was not depressed at all which is a new thing for me when it comes to my birthday. The day started much earlier than I would have liked...I woke up about 6:00 a.m. to fimd that I had no electric so called AEP and found out that in my area there were several outages so...........since the clocks that I go by are the one on the cable box and the one on the computer and I wanted to make sure that I did not oversleep since I was leaving about 8:45 a.m. so I stayed up. I started reading a book about a monk and his life and Gracie loved being outside when it was so cool and for the most part she stayed really quiet. I went to Worthington for my therapy appointment and my psychiatric appointment and both went well. I was able to get lots of samples for the medications that I take so that is a HUGE blessing! I have started getting some TD which is like twitches and is a side effect of one of the medications I am on so right now I am just watching and letting the doctor know if it gets worse. It is not much at all right now but something for me to keep an eye on. Mom and I went out to eat with Marianne and Johnny at Max and Ermas and we had a good time. I got two cd's from Marianne and Johnny and one is a woman she tours with some and the other is blanking on the name of the artist but who she is familier with. My mom gave me money which is always great. I am going to try to spend at least some of it on fun stuff since with not working I have not really been able to do that.....so we went to TARGET and that store is so great! I got two plastic plates decorated like summer and two bowls also decorated like summer and two large plastic cups in bright colors and they were just 48 cents each!!! I got Gracie some treats and bones because well I like to spoil her when I can and also because dog treats and bones are so much cheaper at TARGET. I also spent some of my birthday money on getting a fold up metal chair to have like to take to parks and such. So oh one more thing about today is my mom went and got a cake from the bakery we lived by as kids and they make the best cakes that I EVER have taseted so that was fun. So.............I am back home and lights are back on and I am really tired from the leg pain and also taking the pain pills and motrin...the combination does not take away al of the pain yet seems to drop it like a third to a half so that is good that it helps some. I am SO glad that tomorrow I have nothing planned and I do not have to leave my place so hopefully it will be a combination of getting some things done and also resting my leg lots because on Saturday my friend September and I are going to go to Dayton and there will probably be lots of walking that day and a busy one and then on Sunday my nephew Jordan might be coming to Columbus and going to church with me and then meet mom to go out to eat and then probably going to a movie........so not as much time on my legs as Saturday should be. Oh when I was in the waiting are waiting for my doctor's appointment in walked this woman and I had to take a double look thinking I was seeing things but I was not she had dog in her purse and just its little little head was peeking out. It was a teacup poodle and so so cute and then she took it out so we could see it...that sort of things count as an lj also getting the really on sale items at TARGET....having cake from a bakery we went to when I was a kid....oh the doctor saying since my bipolar with the meds and my dystimic depression level not high that I do not have to see him for two months.....( for those who do not know dystimic depression is when a person has chronic depression almost all of the time - chemical inbalances and such. I really want to nap but am wondering if I do will I sleep lots and then wake up like at midnigh?

In less than 12 hours.................

I will be a year older! I was born around 3:00 a.m. Birthdays typically as one approaches I get really really depressed BUT so far this year I have not. I think that even though life is QUITE stressful without a job...pain level increasing...money and medication issues and am not at a place where I am missing having a significant other (at least this week) yet I think what makes the biggest difference this year is that I feel like my spiritual life has grown in my faith and knowing how much God loves me crud that I am... and accepts me as I am and encourages me to change and grow in my relationship with Him and also my relationships with people who do love Jesus and people that do not. I have to be honest and say most times I have more problems with some "church people" who are judgemental and think that their church is it and such...I have to really watch myself to not be judgemental about those who judge and also those who are prejudice and such......It is SUCH A BLESSING and I am so glad that God led me to Central Vineyard. It continues to help me change and grow in being a person who loves Jesus and aims to love people the way that Jesus does. I have goals for this next year which I think is also helping me not be really depressed.....................find a job for one thing....have the bariatric operation within the next 12 months.... eat helthier....get control of the binging...share with more people about Jesus...NO I AM NOT talking about standing on a corner yelling about people and sin...no passing out pamphlets just sharing about Jesus who he is and how he has changed me etc........................I also am going to check out going to school online.....getting so I can go to therapy less.....volunteer some probably with other mental health consumers.....things like that........................
It has been another few days of LOTS of pain....I have not done much of anything this week except rest my legs...I have been on the computer less....answered the phone less....not gone out unless I really had to and even today I canceled my appontment at COVA....I did go to the library on Tuesday and stocked up on lots of books. I think that I am going to email my cousin and then put a load in the washer and one in the dryer and head to bed I think....probably now thinking of it will just put a load in the dryer and want to email my cousin and then call it a night...even though it is early. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to my therapy appointment and then have my appointment with my psychiatrist and then my Mom is picking me up and my sister Marianne and brother in law Johnny are meeting us for a birthday lunch and then I am going to run some errands and then call it a day and then on Friday I have no appointments so that will be good hoping on Friday and the weekend I can get some cleaning done and such......I am going to have some stuff done on my place in the next couple of months thanks to my mom (yeah mom) so might be posting about some things I am thinking about having done......O.L.
lj's for today............stack of books to read.......playing ball with Gracie....having a good conversation with Pat my new case manager....really great temperature out it is like 77 degrees...another book lj is most likely finishing the mystery that I am reading.....diet cherry pop.....and being it is the day before my birthday and I am not depressed. Anyone have lj's that they would like to share?

Saturday Afternoon

Well sleep was horrible last night! I took two of the pain pills and did not get any relief from the pain so am thinking that I need to go back to my doctor and ask about going back on what I was on just a higher dose thinking that hopefully will help.....it would be really good if I could leave a message for my doctor and then just go in to pck the rx up and not have to pay my copay to see her. I have to go pick up the rx because with narcotis and such one cannot call that rx in. It was a bummer that this new one is not working besides the not getting relief from the pain it costs less than the one I was on before. So when I am in pain and if I do happen to go to sleep my dreams are either really strange or like nightmares so I had both...the nightmare one I wil not go into but it is so frustrating to have a dream like that and with waking up like every hour for about 10 -15 minutes then would go back to sleep but would still have the same dream and then it switched to juts a strange one in that I was in a grocery store and was singing outloud (which would never happen I did not get that talent) and my sister came along and she said wow you sound really good do you want to tour with me? My sister Marianne has recorded oh probably 6 plus cd's and tours around the states and then international some also.....and she does have talent in music and singing. So............Gracie was a sleepyhead so that helped me stay in bed for longer which even if I am not sleeping I think that it helps rest my legs.
Going veggie was a idea left on yesterday's post. I often times do eat veggie and do not keep meat at home but will eat it out at times. I like alot of the "fake meat" for lack of better wording and I like soy products and I would really really like to be able to buy all of my groceries at Trader Joes or Whole Foods or someplace like that and I do think Trader Joes have some great veggie frozen dinners and not that expensive. One thing that I have been thinking of and need to check out with a dietician is that if well I prefer to say when I have the bariatric operation one has to be sure to get lots of protein and not sure how some of the soy products and nuts and such will work after that. I think also that with not working and money being tight I end up getting those 10 for 10 deals with like frozen dinners which are not that great plus it amazes me how things like at Trader Joes which are from overseas are fine without tons of preservetives but here in the states that is not the case....another great thing about Trader Joes that I just found out this week is that they accept food stamsp so when all of the crap at jfs gets straightened out I can go to Trader Joes still.............YEAH!!!1 I fineshed reading the second book in the series by Dee Henderson of not sure what the series is called but it is about The O'malley siblings..........GREAT books if you like mysteries but not lots of gore plus she is a Christian author so that some of the things going on in the stories deal with a person'a belief or non beliefi in God. I have not read any of her other books outside of this series but hear that they are not as good. I am tempted later on today to sit down and read that whole book today........yes they are that good! So...........anyone have books that they would lik to recommend? I will read most anything but not into lots of gore or science fiction but most anything else...my mom used to joke with me that if nothing else was around when I was litte that I would read the ceral box...I have read from an early age and still enjoy it.........funny story about me when I was little I was only like in the 3rd grade and we had moved so the paper had to be stopped and it had not started at our new place so I went to my mom's office every day after work and she tells about me walking into where she worked mad at her and said since you stopped the paper Pearl S Buck died and I did not know it! She said the way I said it one would have thoght that I knew the woman.........ha ha.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

I am soooooooooooooooooooo frustrated with my eating right now thus the written scream! I really am not sure what is going on lately that I have been binging LOTS more than I have in like months maybe even a year plus. I am determined to try to at least eat somewhat decent tonight for dinner....probably a Lean Cuisine frozen dinner. Today was an alright day food and eating issues aside....I met my new case manager Patrick and he is a nice guy.....very young at least in looks and his job he had before this was archiology kind of a big switch in my brain to go from digging fossils to doing social work. I am REALLY trying to have an open mind since the last case manager I had before Patrick switched from a career unrelated to social work and she did not work out well. I also am keeping an open mind because one of my pet peeves in people being late....and I am not talking like you know a few minutes I am talking like today he was like 45 minutes late!!! and then add to that the first meeting we had scheduled he was not able to make it so I am kind of leery. I did have a really great meeting with Mike from COVA and he explained some things that I did not know so that is really good....and I was glad that Lisa went with me for a second set of ears. My pain level is really extremely high today....I am thinking tonight and tomorrow I will probably watch television and read. I need to fill out some forms on the internet so will probably try to do those things sometime this weekend. I am doing laundry tonight so should be done with that for the weekend. I also want to try to meet some of my neighbors....there is a man who lives next door who I believe is from India and I hear him talking on his phone and smell food when he is cooking (yummy) but have not seen him out like in the parking lot to really speak and not sure culture wise how he would think my being a woman and going over and knocking on his door....I am really tired mainly due to the pain level plus i did get up earlier than normal the past two mornings but went to bed earlier the nights before so thinking it is the pain level being high since sleep is not so great with pain being high even if I do get to bed earlier.

Ramblings....................

Today is one of the days that come along that I feel really handicapped! I was to help out with passing out of pop with Central Vineyard and was so exited about going and pusing myself to talk to people I do not know and such....well about the time my mom was picking me up to give me a ride it started storming. I love summer rains but really do not like storms! I ended up not going because....I have metal in both of my legs and walk with a metal cane and get worried about getting struck by lightening. I have trouble walking on grass let alone wet grass and was afraid of falling. I am trying a new pain medication which is strong but so far even with doubling the dose it just takes about 30% of the pain away....I get worried because it is a form of morphine that I am taking and if it does not really help much what else can my doctor and I try? So that is why it is one of the days that I am feeling handicapped.
Last evening it was fun yet chaotic over at my mom's place watching Red White and Boom. FANTASTIC VIEW of the fireworks!!! The kids got kind of wound up especially Kati the youngest who ran and ran and rain in the apartment and was LOVED opening and shutting over and over and over the screen door of the patio and screaming happily Hunter her brother who is 6 was so happy about watching the fireworks and that he did not hear the noise which bothers him and after they were over he was telling my mom that they were the awesomist fireworks that he had even seen and then I wase sure reminded that he has older brothers when he said that the fireworks were pimped out....had to explain new meaning of that to my mom who wondered why he was using the word pinp. It was great to see my nephews Jerah who I do not see much since he and Cindy are so busy and live out of town and she had to work so she did not come but 3 of the kids came....Jordan and Terri and the kids came and it was great to see all of them and then my sister Marianne and her husband Johnny came and it was goood to see them yet they both were kept really busy since they are gramma and grampa and all of the kids wanted their attention.
Food has not been good at all this week so far. I have got to get back on track! I find of course when I am nervous and all of my mental illnes(s) are kicking in and my pain level is acute and medication issues all tend to make me eat more and make not so great choices. I did have something last night that I really liked I had gotten from Trader Joes some chicken hotdogs not seasoned much and did not have msg or additives and they were really really yummy! I plan to get them again. I had gotten them mainly for Kati the almost two year old who has SEVER allergies to LOTS of things...they have to keep an epipin (sp?) with them at all times since she is so allergice to LOTS of things and plus has breathing treatments every day and has to use an inhaler lots so anyway I higly recommed the chicken hotdogs. My nephew Jerah really likes Indian food and none of his family does so he is coming to Columbus sometime for the two of us to go out for Indian food...anyone have a suggestion of best place you have been to for Indian food? Well even though it is not helping the pain much I am getting brain fuzz I think from the medication so will stop for now.

Red White and Boom

Tonight is Red White and Boom...the HUGE event downtown for fireworks and music and such. I went down a couple of times years ago but did not really enjoy it because of the HUGE crowds and all....I do not do well in crowds and especially in the dark and all BUT tonight should be a fun time because my mom now lives in a highrise that faces downtown and lives on the 15th floor so should be a great view of the fireworks and the music is on both the television and radio and it will be not so hot and not the HUGE crowds but we will kind of a have a full houe in my mom's apartment with if everyone is coming who sasid they would be is....7 adults and 8 kids....I have not seen some of the kids since Christmas since they live out of town so especially Kati who turns 2 next week will have really changed.
I am still having troubles with jfs and such...I received another blessing of a couple I know buying me a weeks supply of my psychiatric medication and with the discount cards I have I was able to get half of an rx for the new pain medication...I hope it works it is strong with a base of morphine and so far I just have kind of a strating to be fuzzy brain which is not great but has not helped the pain yet but it is a med that is to last 12 hours so maybe it will kick in later. I was to have a meeting with my new case manager but he was out on an emergency so we rescheduled for Friday...he was very apologetic but not a great start. I met with Cory and we sent in a few resumes so that is good. I am still finding like job openings but Mainstream does not go there or need more experience then i have or such......very frustrating!
Food has been really bad lately!!!! I got to get back on track soon...