Good day................

in spite of having again the mega intense pain in my legs today has been a better day than i thought that it would be. i thought that i might have some day after emotional hangover with yesterday being kierstin's birthday. my thoughts are many yet processing on how best to make sure that she knows that it is alright with me if she wants to meet. i find myself also relaxed in knowing that i did what i knew that i was to do. God is so good even when life is hard! I was talking with someone at church one time who also said God can be hard at times too which yes at times it can be quite difficult to do what God calls one to do so NOT trying to minimize that at all!

today i met my new case manager. i am so grateful because he seems like he really cares about his job and is dedicated too. we talked some about how since a year ago december he was the 4th one that i had and that the others were not really helpful at times and would not keep appointments and not call and such. it is a relief to feel and get the sense that al is different then the others in a good day.

tonight i am determined to clean out and sort thru my fridge and freezer. i am wanting to do a major shopping trip tomorrow! it is easier for me when i do a big one and then the rest of the month then just need to pick up just a few things. i used to do that all of the time and then mom and i kind of got away from it. it makes it easier to just have one day with being on my legs lots and carrying lots and such. mom is doing lots of cooking this weekend....since my stove does not work she cooks food for me such as rice and pasta so that i can just microwave it....with my sister not feeling good she is cooking lots for them to put in the freezer so she can make lunch easy and then her husband can be able to make a quick dinner. mom LOVES to cook and is a GREAT cook so it is such a blessing to myself and my sister and mom it is a help to her to have something concrete that she can do for both of us.

lj's fot today so far....remembering to take a protein bar with me since i did not have time to eat before my ride got here to go to my appointment...the weather being warmer....the snow stopping by the time that i left to go to my apppointment...al the new case manager seeming like a really nice guy and good at his job....gracie and her delight when i get back home....listening to the radio....getting a flyer in the mail for the grocery store i go to so it will help me do better at making my list knowing what is on sale...this is kind of a large joy and not sure how to describe it and not sure even if i could if it is appropriate for a public blog yet feeling much calmer and almost relaxed about some major issues going on in my life right now.....back to lj's got some good coupons in the mailbox for buy one dinner get one free and such. mom and i both like checking out new places when it is buy one get one free or even for that matter if it is places we like...so anyone have any lj's that they would like to share? i think for fun and to encourage some thinking and comments i might start a question of the day...some people post like a picture of the day and such so my thing for now will be a question of the day...........some will probably be silly some serious.............who knows.............
question for the day.......if you were going to have a snack would you prefer something salty or something sweet?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIERSTIN

Today so far has been a mix of good conversations and times of introspection. Mom and I went out for a late breakfast and talked some about Kierstin...how I wanted to make sure that her adoptive family's lawyer knew all of my information if she wanted to look me up. I also wanted to know how to pass onto her medical information if I felt it was needed. We also talked some about how she felt it was a choice I could make if I wanted to try to look for her....as much as I want to meet her I feel right now it should be her choice. My time with Nan was good. We talked some about Kierstin and about Archie (birthdad) and I's relationship back then. I talked about all of the different questions that I would want to ask her if I could. My sister M is still having lots and lots of trouble with her eye but she did send me short email that she was thinking of me today and that I did the right thing.
I am so thankful that Kierstin was healthy when she was born. I am so thankful that she was not delayed in anyway I found out when she started school. The first trimester it was my first psychiatric hospitalization and I was put on lots of medications so I had lots of concerns. I am thankful that the lawyer friend of mine who chose the family chose one with the qualities that I wanted for her to have.
I think that I have decided to write to the adoptive family lawyer and share my address and phone number and my sisters and such with him since one could get it easily but just to make it easier for her if she wants to have it. I think that I will ask him if he can give me any info about how she is right now and such.
Thank you blogger buddies for all of the kind words of support and for all the prayers and thoughts. It means much. I am going to make some comfort food and dig into a good book and most likely will take a nap with Gracie.

quiet

i am not sure why i have been so quiet in regards to posting. i have been spending way too much time in my head! i wanted to try to journal or write for the book and it all is stuck inside. the weather is getting to me some yet not as bad as some past winters. my pain in my legs has changed yet gotten worse not better. my frustration level with having lots of time yet not feeling due to pain like doing things even simple things like art or writing are getting to me. i did start to reread "blue like jazz" a book that i really have gotten lots out of. i also want to dive into a book that someone lent me " celtic daily prayer" lots of good prayers and readings. i have read some of it and it has been a blessing
the world around me and even within the city i live in and the church that i attend has had so much going on! i want to be able to make a difference and find myself lacking resources to help or even physically being able to help. God reminds me that I can pray and I do and I need to pray more. it sure is true that we live in a fallen world! two things that stick out right now to me that break my heart are that there have been some teachers caught for having inproper relationships with kids even in one of the christian schools here in town...i also read article about the rise of homeless teens in our city and i wish i had the money to make a shelter for teens so that they can have a warm place to stay and food to eat and someone to talk to and able to learn a trade to get a job and also to have counseling to hopefully connect the families again if possible.
yesterday i had written a post and then on accident erased it and did not have it in me to write it again. tomorrow is the 28th of feb. my birthdaughter will be 21. i have not seen her since she was 3 days old when i signed the adoption plan for her. i know that it was the best thing for her. i know it was the hardest thing that i ever had to do. i want to know what she looks like...how she is doing...what her likes and dislikes are....did she have a good childhood and teenage years...does she have anger issues about the adoption....i want to know all of these things and more yet i strongly believe it is up to her to look for me if she wants to do so. it is her choice. i have signed papars that she can look for me....people who were involved in the adoption know it is alright for them to give her information about me. i want her to know it was because of my loving her so much and because God showed me clearly about wanting her to be placed for adoption is why i did it. how can it be that someone you really did not know one can miss so much and feel like part of you is missing? i think down deep that is why i have been quiet this week. just think 21 years ago today i was in labor and at 7:23 tomorrow morning kierstin was born.

Saturday

I was put on a medication that helps with mood swings and a side effect is that many people lose weight on it. I have noticed a loss of appetite which is a good thing. Today I should probably eat more than I have so far I just ate some rice. Today has been a quiet day. I did not sleep last night and have kept myself awake today so that I will sleep tonight I hope. Tomorrow with it being Sunday I have to get up early so hope to get to sleep early. I tried to journal today but the words got stuck in my brain. I did start rereading "Blue Like Jazz" and already am getting some food for thought from it. Gracie has been frustrated with the ice I can tell...she goes out but her paws start bothering her so I call her in and so it is back and forth often times. I think her arthritis is bothering her too.
Mom and I are going to go to a concert at a church tomorrow afternoon. It will be nice to do something just to be out after being in for a few days. I sure will be glad when it is warmer! I do not do well in the winter time when it is icey and snowy and such. I think that the snow is pretty but just hard for me to deal with. I often think that I would enjoy living in a warmer place but knowing me I would be too chicken to move someplace where I did not know many people or have the church body I have now and the support system within the mental health field. The girl aka Gracie is awake I think I will see if she wants to play catch
I have really enjoyed that included in the soundtrack of "Once" is a dvd on some of how they made the movie and the music. I am really hooked on that music. I rarely go buy a dvd but I think that I might buy this one. I am sure that some people will not like it but anyone I know who has seen it likes it.

feeling very human today...............

i have been a grump all day! i am not proud of it and really embarrassed at some of the things that i said and things that i thought. i am so glad that we have a forgiving God who forgives me when i am a real crud to not only myself yet to other people also. i am so glad that not only does God forgive yet He loves me as i am and encourages me to be a better person. i kept thinking today (one will know that i worked with lots of kids when i think of this book on days like today) that there are some horrible terrible no good days even in australia....from the book alexander and the horrible terrible no good day.......
the day was not that horrible just my outlook on things more than what happened today i think.
i met with my mental health doctor and am on again a new medication! i had therapy and it was good to get some reality checks on some things and be able to emotionally vomit and get good feedback. mom and i went to the store and out to eat and i was a royal grump and not nice and then sad because i was such a grump and such....

it is supposed to snow and rain and sleet over the next 24 hours...so if it does all of that i will not be going out tomorrow evening to small group and if it stays like it on saturday will not be able to go help out at the church swap and such. i think part of my being grumpy is having to stay inside lots yet not feeling up to doing much either because of mental health issues or physical issues. well i think with all that has gone on today i really need to focus on some lj's big time....

lj's for last evening (since i did not get back on to post any) and today....i did not binge yesterday....gracie is eating more dry food so not having to give her wet food every day....gracie even on my worst feeling days she is a joy.....nice mainstream drivers...someone (most likely the guys who live above me) shoveled my sidewalk from the main sidewalk to my patio such a large joy and blessing.....mom bought me dinner and some groceries and paid for the new medication....i am fine with food and such if i have to stay inside until monday...watching the dvd that came with the cd of "once" seeing how they made part of the movie....asking nan for some postives that she sees in me and with my process and was blessed and comforted by what she shared....seeing gracie be delighted when i come back home even if i was just gone a short time....knowing my mom puts up with me even when i am grumpy...that is more of a large joy....anyone want to share any?

snowy snowy day

today is a snowy snowy day and it is a beautful one...i think the prettiest all season so far. i had an appointment with cova and bvr but due to the snow and mainstream did not go. one knows it is bad when mainstream says that it is. i sure hope to motivate myself to get some things done today. it may sound weird but i do not like to clean in the same clothes that i go out of the house in not that i ever wear anything fancy but try to wear the nicer things out and try to keep them that way so saying all of that to say that i need to do laundry and then will have some of the older worn clothes so that i can clean....weird of me i know.

gracie after i posted last evening ate a whole serving of dry food and today has already eaten a whole serving of dry food...guess it is kind of like kids when one thinks you have figured out the eating then they go and prove you wrong. she sure loves the snow! she does good though at coming in when i tell her to and i dry her off some and then relaxes some and then like a kid wants to go back out again.

today will be a day that i for sure will get my 8 glasses of water in since i am down to one can of pop! i am sure that some of it will be hot tea and i will make some coffee with some really good creamer that i have which is hazelnut caramel. yummy! i want to save that can of pop so i will have one tomorrow morning. the other plans for today are doing laundry and read some and write some i think. i will listen to lots of music most likely too. i used to get freaked out when i thought that i could not get out due to the snow but nowdays i do better and enjoy watching it and seeing gracie play in it and such.
i will post later on my lj's for the day.

brrrrr....gracie....etc

it is really cold out today. it makes it colder with the wind too. gracie who typically does not mind the cold kept running right back in after doing her business. i noticed one of her paws seems more sensative to the ice and snow because if she stays out too long she will hop on that paw or put it up and not use it. the days that it is cold and she does not want to come in after a few minutes i still make her due especially with that paw.

gracie i admit is spoiled. she often times does not want her dry food so i give in and give her some wet food. again i know she is spoiled. so like kids when they are away from home they eat things that they do not at home so........when gracie was being boarded she ate her dry food so well she did not need any of her wet food. so we got home and i put out the dry food and she will not touch it so have been giving her a bit of wet food...not enough that would fill her up but just a bit.......so this week starting yesterday she started eating more of her dry food but did not want me to notice (like i would not have noticed when i looked in her bowl) but anyway i was in the kitchen and heard her chewing so walked in the other room to tell her good girl and she looked at me like she had done something i was not to know about like what i am not doing anything. so then today she ate a good deal of dry for her and i think she has a full tummy so she does not need any wet food today. one more thing about gracie.......when she gets really hungry she often times will pick up the bowl i put her wet food in and bring it to me.

i have been doing a survey since i was 17 and it follows people from that age until adults and tracks this generation(i am in my 40's) with education and family and jobs and such and they pay one well so it is silly not to take part of it. it used to be every year and now i think it is every other year. they are to call me tonight to take part in it and i think this year i get like $70.00 which is great. it sometimes takes an hour but again not bad money or time and is kind of a way to help i think since the information it used by lots of places.

i am concerned about a fellow blogger andrew. he has been quiet on his blog which is not like him... i do not know exactly where he lives but it is in alabama and i know that it had some rough weather recently. if you are reading this andrew and are not into blogging on your site could you please email me to say you are alright and such AND remember andrew you are my blogger buddy and NOTHING changes that even if you did drink or such. it is so interesting to me how close one can get to people i never have met yet i know so well.

i want to write some about me and ed and will do that later on tonight or tomorrow........o.k. lj's for today some are basics yet i am thankful for and feel blessed........a warm place to live...food...a great friend gracie...fun conversation with mom...computer....i did not have to get out today...an email from a fellow blogger...

Lent

I am not doing well this week with not eating ice cream. I am doing decent I think with not just vegging in front of the t.v. all evening. I have eaten ice cream 3 times since Lent has started. I am not doing it on purpose to blow what I wanted to skip during Lent but I just forget. I think what I want to do now is to focus more on what I am doing right with watching less t.v. and try to eat ice cream very minimal if at all. I also want to say that this is the first year that I have given up anythng for lent because of the churches i have gone to and now go to.

Saturday Evening

i really have enjoyed reading what others like in music and some of the favorites reminded me of other artists that i like too. i have to say that today i have now am playing the soundtrack from "once" for about the fourth time. i tend to do that when i get new cd's. i spent a good amount of time before i got out of bed praying - there is just SO much going on in the world and in the u.s. and in the city where i live and with friends and family and blogger buddies. i cleaned a bit but than my knee starting hurting even with taking a pain pill...trying to not push the left knee since i fell on it and it is swelled some. i also have some colorful bruises too. i did get some laundry done.
i have spent a good deal of time between last evening and today pondering about the bariatric operation. i had a wonderful talk with mom about it last evening which is so good because she was against it. i have spent today thinking about it and i think that if or when the insurance covers it i will pursue it. i really for being as large as i am in good health...no sugar issues or heart issues and such. it is my legs that are the issue. i am not sure if i ever have shared about all of my leg issues....each ankle i have broken and have a plate in my right leg and had one operation with it and the right ankle has no cartlidge left and i think after breaking it in 3 places and my leg it was six operations and a year recovery with half of that spent in bed at my mom's place. the only thing that they can do is fuse that ankle which i really do not want and would prefer to have some pain than have it done. the left knee needs replaced is the only real option for it if i do not lose weight. my regular doctor said she thought if i did not have the operation or do something drastic i would be in a scooter or wheelchair in two years. i really want to not have that happen if i can and if even after the operation i need to do that i will but i doubt that i would after losing weight.
a few thoughts about it that i want to share is that the main reason i would do it is for health not so much for looks but that would be nice too. i would like to be able to travel and go to places like a art festival and be able to walk around and such. i also know that i would stick to what i would have to eat and what i cannot eat because i REALLY hate throwing up! i have checked out some hospitals and such and decided on the one here close to me that has the best stats and also is the only one who does it laproptic(spelling wrong i am sure) i also feel like due to lots of past issues that caused the weight gain i have dealt with those and not for lack of better wording do not need that wall of weight to protect me which of course it did not except emotionally. i also know that after going through all of the operation and such i will NOT want to do anything to make myself ill and i can really live without eating some foods and some things like pop....sure i will miss some of those things. i know also one can like take maybe two bites of a brownie if he or she wants without getting sick but why risk it is what i think. i think silly as it might seem i will miss the most regular pop well pop in general. i guess saying all of that to say that i am ready to get rid of ed! i also feel like God is showing me in lots of ways that this is something He wants me to do ...with things he is showing me and also i think with putting my focus right now on this that afterwords the doors wil open for work and that God has been closing doors for jobs due to this.
i know that i have lost a minimal very minimal weight so that is good i just need to get more active in checking what i eat and to start swimming and such. i think since this blog is to mainly deal with ed and me that is why i am sharing so much about it. i have to check if my insurance covers it at last time i checked it did not.
i am enjoying emailing back and fourth with lots of you. i really in the past enjoyed pen pals and blogs and emails to me are like having pen pals. does anyone else feel like that?
i am so glad that i can go to church tomorrow and can go to my small group on monday. i missed church and small group twice now so am looking foward to it as i said. i missed not seeing the kids on sunday too. when some of the woman from church visited me we had some good laughs about some of the things that their kids were doing.
i think gracie has settled down for the night. she was kind of having a grumpy day....lots of activity in the parking lot..my in her opinion being a mean mom since i would only let her play on the ice for a few minutes at a time than she had to come in to get warm...she lays on the ice and then if she gets too cold then she hops on 3 legs and her one paw really seems to bother her when it is cold and wet so i think that i am being a caring mom. yes i do call myself mom since she is my "kid"

well some lj's for today...spending a good amount of time praying.....looking through a craft book to get some ides...getting a bit of housework done...having it a bit warmer and lots of the ice melting some...not binging...having a computer that works....having two great conversations with mom....knowing my sister and bil have a 3 day weekend since they both do not feel good.....i think that this is it for now. peace to all..........

ramblings.............

i have lots of feeling going on this day and was reminded when i read on crusty beef's blog that not having my feelings is not telling the truth. my truth right now is sadness for the tragedy in illinois and that the media makes such a big deal that he was off his medications so making people i think fear of people who struggle with mental illnesses...my truth also is having lots of feelings that right now my doctor and therapist say it is time for me to take a break from looking for work since it is such stress right now.......my truth is that i am having lots of feelings about my daughter who i placed for adoption and the last time i saw her she was four days old when i said good bye and she turns 21 at the end of this month. i will never search for her because i think that is her right to do so or now yet i would like to know how she is and see her even in a picture.....my truth is that even though i have not seen my ex in a few years i find myself missing that person and wonder how c.j. is.........and it is hard when someone you loved and still do does not want anything to do with me even a short conversation. i have not talked in years to except for a brief running into each other and that was short. i think that it is time for my truth to be realized and make contact and c.j. can decide if talking to me is alright or not.....

lj's so far is playing with gracie and seeing how she DELIGHTS in the snow...mom is taking me out to lunch even when i am a grumpy person today.....i am pondering about some crafts that i want to do....i think i will ask mom if we can stop by borders so that i can use one of the gift cards that i have to buy the soundtrack to the movie "once" and perhaps james blunt cd that is kind of new i think......o.k. here is a question for the readers.....who are your top two or three music groups or people.......mine would be U2...Indigo Girls...and the incrdible worship songs that Michael Gallaugher the worship pastor at church writes and leads...i have heard his music for years now and still am so so blessed by him.

I AM BACK HOME.........................

i am back home. it was a good choice to go and get some symptoms under control. i am glad to be home. i am sure glad to see gracie and have her back home. i am not sure which one of us was more exited. for paws takes really great care of her. it is kind of intereseting how when we have been apart and after she and i play and she gets a few treats she curls up on the couch and goes to a really long sleep. i kind of do the same things...enjoy playing with her and having a pop and relaxing by either taking a nap with her or do something like be on the computer.
the weather here is snowy and icey...i can handle the snow as long as it is not deep the ice i am not so fond of! i am even less fond of it when i fall...and yes today i fell coming into my place! i am not hurt and i even got myself up without any help. one of the things though was i was down for a few minutes and my hands got so so so cold in the snow and on the ice! it took me a few minutes to be able to feel my one hand. when i got inside it warmed up quickly. i did take a pain pill and some motrin when i got inside also to help with most likely being sore later on tonight or tomorrow.
one thing that i realized again when i was in the hospital is when at times i think my life is rough one can see others who have it much worse than i. i had friends who visited me two times and my mom visited once and if it was not such a long long walk to get the the floor that i am on and if it was bad weather she would have come more but we chatted a few times each day. i heard too of things that i think are miracles...such as the woman who was swallowing pills to kill herself and called a friend in another state and the friend thu an operator was able to contact the ems squad and she was found in time. i due to the weekend and one doctor being off i saw three different doctors all very caring and nice and listened. i also am so so grateful and thankful that i have a strong faith in God and that I know He cares for me. i am not sure how i would get thru life without faith. one other nice thing is that i have been in that program before so they know me and know that i have taken several classes so i did not have to repeat them.
one thing that i am going to need to pray and think about is the doctor and i are saying that perhaps now for awhile it might be best not to work right now and volunteer until i feel less stressed.......good plan yet i dislike having to ask mom for money for things...so trying to figure it all out and i need to pray more about it all. i need to see better options or spending more wisely. it was GREAT to get home and have such support from my blogger buddies! i put some of the groceries away i had gotten and got gracie her water and play and such washing some clothes washing and such and then got on the computer....THAKS for all of the support.
so since i have been away from posting for awhile i think i will make a larger list of lj's for these past few days................

1. having a good experience in the e.r. waiting for a room
2.having a conversation with a nice teen in the waiting area.
3. having the staff know me and accept me and do not think bad of me because i was back inpatient.
4. really great nurses and techs who are compassionate and wise as well as the doctors.
5. not having a roommate the whole time that i was there.
6.i for the most part did not watch t..v. in the evenings which i was trying not to do for lent.
7. in regards with ice cream i ate it once when i was in there and bought some today not really thinking about not eating it so most likely will eat it and it is a pint so just a few times and then back to not eating ice cream for lent.
8. having people in the hospital that i enjoyed talking to and we would do things for each other say like trade dinners if someone wanted something else.
9. people were very kind to help me get a tray and carry it.
10. i really do enjoy doing crafts and got to do that some.
11. one woman who did not talk hardly at all ever talked to me a few times just like a sentence or would say yes or no...it is an lj for me when i think God in times like these helps me have compasion for people and it shows.
12. mom visting even though it was hard for her.
13. mom being so kind to let me call her so much to talk and tell her about what was going on.
14. having maureen and lindey and sara visit and have some laughs and made me feel very cared about and loved and accepted and some prayer.
15. mom's ministrer chad coming to visit and again some great time of prayer and laughter.
16. my food except for the fact that it was not great but anyway the lj is that i only if i remember right got a snack one night so thinking that i might have lost weight.
17.mom treating me to chinese food today.
18. mom going into walgreens to pick up a few things for me.
19. the woman at for paws walked gracie to the car since it was icey and snowy and gracie tends to when she has been there and sees mom's car runs fast and i did not want to fall.
20. when i fell i did not break anything or sprain any part of my body.
21. mom got some caffaine free pop today for me which is great because i have not had much pop at all there and after five p.m. one cannot drink it and so it was good that she got that even though i forgot to tell her to get that kind.
22. i am so relieved that i got myself up and that we did not have to call for help when i fell.
23. blogger buddies
24.when i got home it was not too cold even though i had turned the heat on low but as a funny anything warmer than ice i was thankful for..: )
25having a dream that was unusual but when i have reflected on it i think it was showing me some things about future hopes.
26. seeing andrews pictures of nature.........BEAUTIFUL

it might take me some time to catch up on reading other blogs....hope that everyone is doing well staying warm if you live in ohio or where there is cruddy weather.

off the computer for a few days.

hello all in blogger land who happen to read this blog..i will not be on the computer most likely for at least a few days or perhaps a week....the m.i. is kicking my butt and stuff is happening which i do not need to go into here on a public blog but just know that it is taking care of myself by not being at home or near a computer for awhile. i am takinkg care of myself as i said by making some choices which my therapist helped me with making. hope that everyone is taking good care of him or herself.....

shopping

i did it...well i did not do it i should say i went to the store and did not buy ice cream, i have one low cal eskimo pies and will eat that tonight and then hopefully not eat ice cream until after easter or at least try not to do so.

Lent

the church that i grew up in did not celebrate lent. i have taken part of some services as an adult that celebrated . in one of the small groups that i got to last night we were focusing on lent and read some scriptures about our relationship with God and what we can do during this season to give more of one's self with this season which starts tomorrow on ash wednesday. i have thought of several things that i need to give more to God about these issues in my life such as food and vegging out in front of the television and needing and wanting to read and study more of the Bible...a side note i heard this years ago and it has stuck with me that the word bible stands for basic insructions before leaving earth. wow does that make one think! what do people think of that? o.k. back to what i want to give up for lent and so it keeps me coming back to three issues and one of them that i am going to work on is to give up ice cream....to have one night that i do not turn on the t.v. the reading the bible is something that i want to do but it is not giving up anything on that issue except if i think of it as time perhaps i can include that and it is a long time goal. it would be great if the things i mentioned that i could continue them even after lent.

i would really like to hear about people's experiences pro and con about lent. i would like to hear about people's experiences about growing up in that belief and such. if one does celebrate perhaps wrong word but does give up something for lent what is it and how did one come up with that belief and how did you decide it. i never knew until last night how fat friday before lent is so people can really party and drink and binge on food before lent.
i would really as i said here people's thoughts about this and even if one does not believe in God do you have times that you give up things choosing those things so to better your life?

one more thing that i got lots out of last night in reading a psalm and it was after david had an affair and how he comes back to God and how he believed in God to be able to share what was going on and knew even when God is not happy with out sins he is still loves us humans. i guess last evening has me thinking lots about God and giving up things and such...

thanks for the comments

i wish that i knew how to link things to this blog but i do not and right now with the state of things i think that i would get too frustrated. i hope to figure it out sometime in the near future. last night i had really bad dreams...some just really mean people and some just not right and some were really down right revolting to me. it is really warm for feb here it is like 55 degrees. i am sure enjoying the door being open and gracie is thrilled to be out so much! i have to watch that she does not bark too much when she is outside because i have a neighbor who gets upset and will not listen long enough to hear that once whoever walks by is gone gracie will calm down....when the dog across the way is barking they do bark back and forth but i have no control over the other dog and dogs do have great hearing.
i am still upset about the whole interview. i have cried lots. i am concerned about spiraling down more because of the situation.

i did find a good snack/treat which is reece's snacksters and it is a smal package that is only 100 calories! it is quite yummy too. it has cereal pufs and cereal squares and then peanut butter chips and a few reese's pieces. makes one have something that is sweet yet not too much. i also find it satisfying my sweetness desire and does not lead to a binge.
i encourage people to try it.
i am doing laundry today. i also plan to read more in the celtic common book of prayer which has been really encouragint to me. it was lent to my by jeff and i think i am going to buy it. it has daily prayers for morning and evening and also prayers for certain times of big events in life and more about struggles.i encourage people to try to borrow it from the library or a friend. i think you will be blessed by it, i know it has blessed me. i guess with taking about the snack and the book that i am talking about some lj's. it is very important to me to remember these things that are lj and also even more important in the long scheme of life is to remember that "HIS grace is enough" and also that even when i am feeling like crap about myself and life around me God loves me as I am and encoruges me to grow in him....i think that i am going to post a seperate post on some things that i have been thinking about concerning God and faith.

NO job

i did not get the job. i am really upset about it. mom did remind me that i have a home wtih a roof over my head and foood to eat. i feel like bvr and cova will close the case on me. nan and i were talking in therapy today that probably it is about on a scale of 1 -10 that she gave a 7 on the possible going inpatient. not much else to say right now....
lj's are when i got up this a.m. and turned on the radio two of my favorite songs played back to back....gracie evene though i am not in a good mood she is a good friend to have on days like these....my computer is working....going to a small group tonight from church...taking a really yummy cake that mom got two on sale and they are so so good we tried it on saturday.....it is a chocolate expresso cake with caramel i think and it is dark chocolate.....

thank you God...

i know many people believe in coincidences ....i believe that there are God moments and things that God works out so that we talk to the people we need to talk to...do things He wants us to and things like that. i also believe that God answers prayer often even when as a whole to the world that they may be tiny but to whomever is prayeing they are big...saying all of that to say that God answered my prayer about fixing my computer and i think He led me to do what i needed to do to get it working again becaue it went down and things needed to be put back in the computer..the program that is on my computer led me through it. i was nervous that i would lose things and so far i have not noticed anything being lost even things like my blogs or my address book for emails and such. i have really wanted to use my computer to have access to hopefully encourage people and to share about my life in Jesus and to do whatever God wants for me to do. I prayed that God would fix the comptuter well yes and showing me what to do to get it up and working. He did. I do not believe that i was not trying to be flipant but i do know God knows about how important to me this is. i am not saying God wil always answer prayers or answers them in the way i want is the better wording...it might be an answer of no. i hope this is encouraging to people.
i got a bit nervous last night when i was thinking about the interview but then calmed down thinking if i get it good and if i do not get it somewhere out in the city is a job that i could do. mom is helping me today to fix a meal for t and j who just had a baby boy who is 10 days old. i really appreciate mom helping me...she is such a wonerful cook! plus with my over not working it makes me mainly fix things i can microwave. i have not tried it yet but someone gave me a foreman grill! n needed to get a bigger one for her family so gave me the small one which will be good for me. i know that to some readers might be offended about what i shared about God and computers and such. I in NO way know that everyone will agree with me I also in NO way at all judge those who do not have the same beliefs that i have nor am i not interested in what people believe. hope this all makes sense. most likely will post later on tonight. one thing that would be a great help for me make it easier if you do read this blog and do have a blog that i read could you please remind me of the address of your blog please. thanks much. hope that eveyone has a great day!

JOB INTERVIEW.....

I AM SO EXITED THUS THE CAPS IN THE TYPING. I WAS SO EXCITED BECAUSE I WAS GETTING DISCOURAGED WITH THE WHOLE SEARCH. THIS IS FOR A COMPANY THAT CALS PEOPLD FOR OPINIONS THERE ARE NO SALES AND IS A REALLY LEGIT COMPANY AND THEY ARE REALLY LAID BACK WHICH IS GREAT FOR ME! I ALSO LIKED THAT HE SAID THAT THEY WERE REALLY LAID BACK ON IF ONE NEEDED SOME DAYS OFF. THE ONLY DOWNER IS ONE MIGHT WORK FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS AND THEN THEY MIGHT NOT NEED PEOPLE FOR A FEW WEEKS AND THEN WHEN THEY GET ANOTHER CONRACT FOR ANOTHER SURVEY ONE WOULD BE CALLED TO COME IN SO I AM THINKING THAT I COULD PROBABLY WORD SOMEPLACE ELSE TO GET STEADY WORK MAYBE LIKE TEN HOURS A WEEK OR SO AND THEN WORK AT SAPERSTEINS THE 2O HOURS IN THE EVENINGS AND ON SATURDAYS. CAN ONE TELL I AM EXITED???? I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE PEOPLE PRAYING ABOUT THAT. THE INTERVIEW IS ON MONDAY AT 3:30 AND I CAN GO TO MY APPOINTMENT WITH NAN.
I WAS SO SO SO FRUSTRATED YESTERDAY BECAUSE OF NOT HAVING A JOB...THE SCHOOL THING WILL NOT WORK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE ONE HAS TO BE STABLE FOR 2 YEARS AND SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL TWICE OR MORE IN THE HOSPITAL IN THE LAST TWO YEARS....BUT I PLAN TO KEEP THAT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND FOR THE FUTURE
LIFE HAS BEEN HECTIC DEALING WITH THE MENTAL HALTH ISSUES LATELY SO MAKES ME SOMEWHAT NERVOUS ABOUT THE INTERVIEW BUT AM REMEMBERING THAT WHEN I GOT THE ACCOR POSITION I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME MENTAL ILLNESS WISE BUT IT THE JOB GAVE ME SOMETHING TO FOCUS ON WHICH IS FOR ME A GOOD THING TO HAVE SOMETHING TO FOCUS ON.
I FIND MYSELF STILL NOT BINGING LIKE I WAS SO AM EXITED ABOUT THAT. I HAD A REALLY GOOD CUP OF COFFEE THAT I MADE FOR MYSELF...HAZELNUT COFEE AND PUT IN A CREAMER WHCIH WAS CHOCOLATE CARAMEL SO IT WAS SO GOOD ALMOST REMINDED ME OF SOMETHING I WOULD GET AT ONE OF THE EXPENSIVE PLACES ONE CAN GET COFFEE. WELL MOM AND I ARE GOING SHOPPING SOON SO WILL END THIS FOR NOW. I AM SURE LATER ON TODAY OR TOMORROW I WILL POST AGAIN ABOUT LJ'S.....: )