quiet
i am not sure why i have been so quiet in regards to posting. i have been spending way too much time in my head! i wanted to try to journal or write for the book and it all is stuck inside. the weather is getting to me some yet not as bad as some past winters. my pain in my legs has changed yet gotten worse not better. my frustration level with having lots of time yet not feeling due to pain like doing things even simple things like art or writing are getting to me. i did start to reread "blue like jazz" a book that i really have gotten lots out of. i also want to dive into a book that someone lent me " celtic daily prayer" lots of good prayers and readings. i have read some of it and it has been a blessing
the world around me and even within the city i live in and the church that i attend has had so much going on! i want to be able to make a difference and find myself lacking resources to help or even physically being able to help. God reminds me that I can pray and I do and I need to pray more. it sure is true that we live in a fallen world! two things that stick out right now to me that break my heart are that there have been some teachers caught for having inproper relationships with kids even in one of the christian schools here in town...i also read article about the rise of homeless teens in our city and i wish i had the money to make a shelter for teens so that they can have a warm place to stay and food to eat and someone to talk to and able to learn a trade to get a job and also to have counseling to hopefully connect the families again if possible.
yesterday i had written a post and then on accident erased it and did not have it in me to write it again. tomorrow is the 28th of feb. my birthdaughter will be 21. i have not seen her since she was 3 days old when i signed the adoption plan for her. i know that it was the best thing for her. i know it was the hardest thing that i ever had to do. i want to know what she looks like...how she is doing...what her likes and dislikes are....did she have a good childhood and teenage years...does she have anger issues about the adoption....i want to know all of these things and more yet i strongly believe it is up to her to look for me if she wants to do so. it is her choice. i have signed papars that she can look for me....people who were involved in the adoption know it is alright for them to give her information about me. i want her to know it was because of my loving her so much and because God showed me clearly about wanting her to be placed for adoption is why i did it. how can it be that someone you really did not know one can miss so much and feel like part of you is missing? i think down deep that is why i have been quiet this week. just think 21 years ago today i was in labor and at 7:23 tomorrow morning kierstin was born.
the world around me and even within the city i live in and the church that i attend has had so much going on! i want to be able to make a difference and find myself lacking resources to help or even physically being able to help. God reminds me that I can pray and I do and I need to pray more. it sure is true that we live in a fallen world! two things that stick out right now to me that break my heart are that there have been some teachers caught for having inproper relationships with kids even in one of the christian schools here in town...i also read article about the rise of homeless teens in our city and i wish i had the money to make a shelter for teens so that they can have a warm place to stay and food to eat and someone to talk to and able to learn a trade to get a job and also to have counseling to hopefully connect the families again if possible.
yesterday i had written a post and then on accident erased it and did not have it in me to write it again. tomorrow is the 28th of feb. my birthdaughter will be 21. i have not seen her since she was 3 days old when i signed the adoption plan for her. i know that it was the best thing for her. i know it was the hardest thing that i ever had to do. i want to know what she looks like...how she is doing...what her likes and dislikes are....did she have a good childhood and teenage years...does she have anger issues about the adoption....i want to know all of these things and more yet i strongly believe it is up to her to look for me if she wants to do so. it is her choice. i have signed papars that she can look for me....people who were involved in the adoption know it is alright for them to give her information about me. i want her to know it was because of my loving her so much and because God showed me clearly about wanting her to be placed for adoption is why i did it. how can it be that someone you really did not know one can miss so much and feel like part of you is missing? i think down deep that is why i have been quiet this week. just think 21 years ago today i was in labor and at 7:23 tomorrow morning kierstin was born.
posted by mosiacmind at 1:00 PM
6 Comments:
I wish I had words to comfort you -- I don't but God does:
"When you can't seem to read or pray or do anything else -- just sit still and let God love you"
I will be thinking of you & I'm around if you want to email ...
I understand. Take good care of yourself.
You did a brave thing. And the love will never go away. She is a part of you.
As kirs@rhette said, sit still and know that God loves you and He is with you every moment.
Check your email! :)
I am sending good thoughts and prays to you.
Hi Mosey.
You said in your post that you had so much to write but were feeling that it was "stuck inside": That was really vivid for me when I read it - you are so good at drawing-in your readers by saying the things that we feel.-Thank you for that, I think it makes me feel part of the normal flow again. Like I'm not the only one that goes through it ~ you feel it too sometimes.
I think too that being "stuck" also means your feelings are wrapped up in self recriminations and "shoulds"
I hope you can pray that away for yourself because you are wonderful. You DO make a difference. You make a difference to your readers, to your daughter, to the parents that were chosen for her. YOU make a difference.
You also blogged about being disappointed with teachers working in a Christian setting who behave inappropriately.(note that I didn't assume that the teacher in a Christian setting was necessarily a Christian) I have 2 friends who are teachers and counsellors in a public school setting (they are Christians) who pray with their students. God is out there working in all kinds of unexpected places...I promise you : )
I will pray for Kierstin at 7:23 am. *God Bless you Mosey*
Thinking of you today Mosey & praying that all is well.
If you can imagine ALL of us here, reaching out to you & giving you hugs today & always. You are a very special person. We care about you & God loves you so much :)
“Wherever two or more gather in my name, there I am with them.”
Hugs to you my friend :)
9 AM where I am ....
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