unexpected blessings...................ect.........

Today started out intense because of a really bad awful night....but I did make it thru the night without using so thank you God! I had therapy this morning and it was as life is right now intense yet helpful. I was waiting for Mainstream outside the building even though it is so muggy and hot today the grounds of the Harding/OSU campus are so beautiful and peaceful I enjoyed seeing the trees and all of the animals and such....so that was an lj for sure. I got home and kind of unraveled but got a reality check in talking with an aquintance of mine who also struggles with mental illness(s) and is soon to be homeless. I wish I had an extra bedroom for her to be able to stay at least temporary....we had a good conversation about God and churches and she has been really burnt in the past by church and I hope and pray that she and I will continue to stay connected and pray that she finds a place to stay. My cable was temporarily cut off when I got home today and again my mom stepped in and paid that bill for me so I have cable again. I had a huge sweet unexpected blessing today when I went to get my mail there was a bag in my mailbox and I opened it to find a $100.00 Walgreen card and also a box of candy....the interesting thing is that the person or persons must have been led by God about the candy because it is gummy lifesavers which are like a top favorite of mine yet most people do not know that and not many adults like gummy candys...another lj
Yesterday again I left messages with many people at jfs trying to get the food stamps and my medical card.....and did not again get any calls back. My mom even yesterday called the mayors hotline and they could not help since jfs is county but did give her a number to call and mom did and she also left messages for a few people. I just am scared and concerned that I will end up in the hospital....not a fun place in the psychiatric unit of the hospital....not that really any place is fun in a hospital except when moms are having babies........o.k. I know labor is not fun...yet the fruits of that labor are most times. I do hope that it rains we could really use it.

Heart Breaking.............................

I cannot give details at this time but someone very close to me who I love and care about so much his wife asked for a divorce....he does NOT at all want a divorce....he is broken hearted not sure what the future holds for him or his children. PLEASE PRAY if you are a praying person. My heart is breaking...Jesus please come and heal this marriage now. Jesus show me how to pray for all involved. Jesus help me to not think wrong thoughts about his wife....be with the children show them that you are there for them....show me what to do and what to say...help me turn my anger at the darkness of this world and not at a person...amen

Sunday.................

Yesterday was a good day and so far today has also been a good day. I am all for letting myself feel my feelings yet to have a break yesterday and today from crying has been good. I think that it had been about at least two weeks straight if not longer that I had cried every day. I have been really convicted lately about some issues....today I was convicted even more when Jeff was teaching about relationships that I really need to start developing deeper friendships with some people from Central Vineyard....especially single woman around my age. I hesitate at times thinking that I am so broken and yes I am very broken yet all people are broken even if not in the same ways that I am.
I am hoping that this week the case manager from jfs calls and lets me know when I can expect to get my medical card and food stamps....that my case manager from Concord will call and we can set up an appointment to meet....and that he can help me with jfs and such.....I am also hoping to get a call from the doctor's office of FreshStart so that I can start the process for the bariatric operation.....I need to start drinking more water and less pop.....I realized that one of the things that makes it tough for me to not drink pop especially in the summer is the caffaine....because I am one of those people who caffaine actually calms me down and keeps my anxiety lowered....if I am having a difficult time sleeping and am taking all of my meds then I drink a can of pop or a cup of tea or coffee and often times I fall asleep then....weird....maybe it is part of being bipolar.....maybe it is in many ways i have add I think with often not being able to stay on task or am calmer if I am doing a few things at the same time....such as reading a book and watching television or doing puzzles or something while I am watching television....that reminds me of another subject that I wanted to post about soon and that is television watching ......will post about that another time soon.
I am so happy that I asked if I could do the sign in table for the children for first service it is a way that I can serve and also get to know people. I am so thankful that God led me to Central Vineyard....messy church as Jeff often says yet in my mind that is what a real church is to be if people are being real. I am about to leave to go out to eat with mom and then run errands....my mom was kind to cook some food for me since right now my stove and oven do not work so am looking foward to soon having some homemade veggie soup....some pesto.....not sure what else. I had to take a pain pill today and it was the first time in a few days that I had to....probably with the rainy weather and also probably some pain from getting used to some new shoes.......

Rain and tears

Today has been another rough day. I did sleep which is good. It is one of those days where I feel alone (even though i am not) disabled (yes i have some disabilities but that is not all of who i am) and discombobulated. I am going to go to the binge eating support group tonight so that should help maybe by me getting out some. I am just really hoping that my d.i.d. is in control there which it should be and if not I will just stay quiet. I did find out who my new case manager at jfs is so will try to call her tomorrow about the medical card etc. I ate once so far today. I am kind of hungry and kind of not - probably should have something to eat before I leave.

Food and Eating and Addictions

Years ago when I was at a AA meeting someone said that when she was old she thought she would probably end up being addicted to her rocking chair...as one who gets addicted to things quite easily and now with working on giving up pop I have thought of that often....wondering if my pop addiction will change to diet cherry koolaide....I have found myself in the last week having trouble eating....both Saturday and Sunday I ate one meal. I think it is a combination of some good things like wanting to eat less and eat better yet I should aim for 3 meals or 6 mini mini meals they say (they being dieticians and doctors....and not so great things such as my medication issues causing havoc on my brain and body. Today has so far been better not great but better than this weekend. I was really frustrated this morning because I heated up a Lean Cuisine and it said on the front of the package that it was 200 calories..well I was eating it thinking this is alot of food for 200 calories and look on the back of the package and it was to be two servings! It is the first time that I ever ate a Lean Cuisine that was two servings but probably should have known because of the amount of pizza rolls there were....which by the way were great! The pizza rolls were breakfasst and then I had to go to my appointment and was gone for about 4 hours and got home and was hungry so ate about a half serving of crackers and a V8 and now I am hungry again two hours later so probably should eat something but am thinking about not since there usually are some yummy things to eat at home group....but should not go hungry and then eat sugar stuff. So I guess the thing that I find myself struggling with in many areas of my life is moderation......so any feedback...experiences....struggles with those issues? My lj's for today are....had a message from an aquintance from the past so it will be good to chat with her soon.....getting to see and pet the two dogs who hang out at the offices at CFED - Winston and Dot both sweeties...probably getting to borrow a book from Stacy tonight I need something good to read....

Saturday Evening................

giving up carbonated drinks is not as easy as i thought that it would be! i guess that i should not be surprized since i am in the habit of drinking lots of diet pop. my mom said that i should not be as hard on myself as i am being since i just decided like a week and a half ago to slow down and try to be off carbonated drinks by july...i no longer buy any pop to keep at home and am trying to drink more water and such but today i have been a mess with stomach issues due to not having one of medications so my sleep has been all jacked up! it is one of the psychiatric medications...and of course it is the most expensive one so i need to wait till i get my medical card....then with being off of it for almost all of two weeks now except for like four doses i have to start back at a lower dose and then it will take a few weeks to get it up to where it should be and i am having to do that with another medication also so anyway back to the pop i let myself drink it twice today when my mom and i were out. i feel like i have a diet pepsi addiction.
this morning stacy and i got together for coffee at borders and it was a really nice time. i shared some from my past and about the mental illness(s) which went fine just had lots to deal with within my own brain once i got home. i am hoping that i will sleep tonight at least maybe just a couple of hours in a row. o.k. so lj's for today......great company and a great cup of ice tea at borders.....gracie being so so good in the car with mom and i.......kind of shallow but there are some shows that i like on television tonight so i can relax and stretch out my legs....stacy is going to lend me some good reads......

Bad Night........Better Day I think...............

first off I wanted to say that I am enjoying having some new readers. I also wanted to let those new readers know that I will read their blogs yet often something weird with my computer is that I often cannot comment on people's blogs so know that I am reading and also will probably maybe try to communicate some via email if my computer is doing whatever weird thing that it does.
i am more confused now about the spendown and all of that stuff so set up an appointment to see one of the benefits counselors where i get help in looking and keeping a job. i had decided that it was probably best to not work so that i could get the rx coverage but now it looks like i could work a bit and keep the benefits and so between not taking all of my medications ( due to not having some of them) and then going a few weeks with just taking them like a few times a week (wanting to space out what i did have) before this week and my stress level being so intense and my sleep is well just not happening much and the past week plus if i do sleep i either wake myself up screaming with nightmares or wake up and see people and things that are not really there...such fun and then add to that women issues and money issues i decided that it is no wonder that i am having a rough time and that i should get off of my own back about having a rough time.
so one thing that helps me is to think of little joy aka as lj's. my ex it was something that she did and it was to think and remember things that are not huge but make a day better....such as like a phone call from someone(enjoyed talking to elanore last evening)...or knowing someone is reading your blog....having change today to get a drink from the vending machine at cova....getting ready to enjoy some trader joes kung pao noodles and sauce....watching gracie bask in the sun on the patio...she is such a sweetie and such a delight and i love her dearly....speaking of dogs one thing for sure gracie is such a help when i am seeing things and hearing things that are not really there because if i see her and she is all calm and or like last night still sleeping i know it is just in my head.
one more positive from this week is that i found out yesterday who my new case manager is and his name and extension so that is good to know that i have a new one and such. i have not tried to get a hold of him yet but probably will soon.

LOTS OF TEARS....................

lately! I think that I am grieving knowing that right now with all that is going on physically that I cannot really work though I might try to find something that I can do some and get paid cash for. I did get to JFS last week and found out that I am elgible for some help like in getting food stamps. JFS has to get documentation that I am no longer working at ACCOR. I have a spend down of $61.00 a month that I have to pay out of pocket each month and then I will get a medical card from the state which will pay for my prescriptions....that is a HUGE BLESSING. I am out of most of my medications and this week have noticed more what it is like when I do not take them and lots of thing like not sleeping and crying lots more and such. I see my doctor on Thursday so will hopefully get some samples until I can get the prescriptions filled. I get very frustrated dealing with the system like if one is on disability and trying to work and such and if I could work now and say for example if I earned $800.00 a month working my spend down would be about $600.00 so that means that I would have to pay $600.00 in medical expenses such as prescriptions or doctor copays and such before getting a card so that means each month I would only get in reality $200.00 a month for working p.t. and that is set up that way because I get Social Security Disability since I put money into Social Security when I worked...........if I had not worked much at all and had not put money into Social Security then I would get what is called SSI and if I was on that I would be able to work and once I got to a certain amount they would just take out $1.00 out of my check for every $2.00 I made over and would still be elgible for state medical card so would get my prescriptions paid for many people for about 3 or so years after they start working p.t. again still get a reduced rate for an apartment if they are getting subsidised housing and it could be like someone paying $55.00 a month for an apartment! Please understand I want people to be able to get the help that they need but it is wrong to be penalized for working and paying into Social Security. Please also understand I wish that I had momey so that I did not have to ask for help from the government especially and from family and friends.
I have been freaking out some emotionally because I do not know how I am going to make it these next months with not working and I want people to understand that I really tried hard to get a job and all of the doors shut and that I truly believe as do some others that I am doing what I am supposed to right now and that God has shown me this and other people this too.....that I need to pursue the bariatric operation and that I need to do that for my health physical and emotional and that right now if I do not do anything I will most likely end up in a scooter in a year or so plus now is a good time for the operation since overall besides the numbness of some parts of my legs and extreme pain in some parts I am in good health and want to keep it that way
I am really trying to not feel like a failure but it is very hard today to not feel like one since there is all of this stuff that needs to be done and I have the time to do it but physically or because of my mental illness(s) I cannot do them. I think I will check my email and then try and make some phone calls.

BUSY few days..........................

leaving me with lots to think about! i had an appointment with my family doctor on monday and it went really well. we talked about inpatient treatment for the e.d. and the bariatric operation and the choices of operations one has. we talked about how the pain level has increased almost double than a year ago and she agreed that if i did not lose weight and lots of weight in the next year plus that i would be in a scooter because of the pain level being so acute and the numbness of my legs. she also said that with the treatment for e.d. and the operation she thought that the numbness of my legs would end and pain would go way down. she gave me an rx to try a new medication. it is much stronger than what i have been on.
monday evening my friend september went along with me to be a support to the information meeting for the bariatric operations. i learned lots and from the conversations that we both had with some of the team members...the doctor and nurse and others it all went really great.
dr. meyers explained everything in detail and showed how his teams stats were better than the average for other doctors and patients who go through the operation......just a few stats he has done around 500 operations of this nature...he has designed a program where a person gets much support physically and mentally and emotionally and such before and after......the average person loses 85% of the weight that they need to lose within the first year with the regular operation and i think it was about 55% with the lapband. i did decide after talking with my doctor and hearing the program i am going to go for the more extreme laproscopic operation where they reroute how the food goes.....he has only had two people die and the first person was not complying diet wise afterwords and ten days after the operation when he should have still just been on liquids he ate brocalli and peas and potatoes and so had internal bleeding and the other person also was not program reliant and took motrin soon afterwards which tears up ones stomach and again caused a bleed. the time in a hospital is usually about two days and within four hours after the operation you get up and walk and such......one last thing that i want to mention about the meeting is that before the meeting during the day i had been praying and asked God if he could show me a sign so that i knew that i was going in the direction that He wanted me to.....................so when mike got up who is on the team and also goes to central vineyard he was talking about how people's lives he had seen changed and gave two examples of two people and each person somethng that they really wanted to do but were unable to do....ell the first example was someone wanted to go to africa and the second was someone wanted to scuba dive and after the operation they both got to do those things....well that was the sign that i needed and knew it was from God because i really want to be able to go to africa and also would like to scuba dive sometime. Thank you God for those signs. So..............I decided to start the process which takes about 5 months or so to get insurance and al of the paperwork plus they like people to lose some weight before and such. I am much much much more exited than scared at this point which is also God moving. I still want and plan to get better control of my eating and still might go into an E.D. treatment center to help. my goals for june are to stop drinking pop....i cannot drink if afterwards and diet pop has so much salt also and all of the sugar in pop is not good for me so goal is to stop the pop......i also plan to stop taking motrin which one is not to take afterwards something that i use lots to help with the pain and the pop is a habit sometime that i do not even think about so both of those things i want to get out of the habit of and are doable goals i think.
today i went down to jfs and i am going to get some help THANK YOU GOD and so that is a blessing......though some things that i thought i would be doing will change now...will makie a seperate post about that. so........................are there any people out there who read this who were hard core pop drinkers and stopped and if so how did you do it?

MUCH MUCH BETTER DAY..............

for which I am thankful for and relieved about. Yesterday I was able to call my mom back and own my own crap and apologize to her. My therapy session was hard in the sense that I cried most of it but good in that Nan had some good ideas and good thoughts for me to think about. I went to my small group and even though due to Mainstream I arrived somewhat late and had to leave early it was good to be there and I really took away alot to ponder on a message of Rich's we listened to about the poor. I have been SO BLESSED by all of the help that I have gotten from the small group and from Central Vineyard in helping with utilities and groceries and some medications and all of the prayers and concern....after hearing the message I have been pondering much....about how blessed I am yet without the help as I listed above and help from my mom I could be homeless...it has been a HUGE blessing to have my mom buy this condo for me and she has said she wanted to know that I would always have a place to live...and even when I am working things are rough let alone when I am not. I have thought about friends I have who have done things such as prostitute or dance in a strip club so that they could buy food for their kids or pay the rent....I thought about a friend of mine who would lie to her son and tell him she had eaten when he was outside playing or at a friends house when in reality they had not much food so she would go without so he could eat....I have learned also from my life that when people are poor they stick together and help each other as much as they can and even share food stamps and such....when my friend and her son were having such a rough time it was mostly those of us who were also poor who helped out more then even at times her working siblings or even the chid's dad....and I read someone's blog who is on disability and is always helping out those around him with food or a few bucks when he can....just something I have been thinking about....so now about today.......................
I had a really great appointment with my family doctor and she was really supportive and answered some of my questions about the operations and she suggested that I do the more invasive one since I have lots of weight to lose and also since I really am in good health right now except for my legs....my heart is good...the cholesterol is fine....lungs are good.....and such. She also agreed that perhaps a eating disorder inpatient would be good so that I can deal with the binging and have it under control before the operation. She also gave me an rx for a new medication to take that hopefully will help the pain better since it is getting more acute. The doctor also said she thought that when I lost the weight much of the pain would go away and also that the numbness and falling would be taken care of. Tonight my friend September and I are going to the info meeting about it....I continue to in general get more exited then scared which I truly believe in many ways is God's working then mine. I was able to get my haircut for the first time in months which feels so great and got to run some errands done and also had a good time with my mom....................so as I said MUCH MUCH BETTER DAY! I am hoping that my meeting on Thursday with JFS goes well and I can get some help even if it is temporary.

BAD DAY

Today I feel like the title of the childrens book " Alexander and the Horrible Terrible No Good Day".....I think it is due to many things....bipolar stuff...food addict stuff....other mental illness(s) stuff...the vet's office will not board Gracie for an extended time since she get so stressed there so I need to find someone who could watch her if hopefully I get into treatment someplace.... not feeling heard by some people...I feel like I stepped off a huge hill or mountain and am falling down faster and faster....God is with me I know that He is even when I am in this space and besides my mood when I am feeling like a horrible terrible no good person like I am in today due to my physical body. It is a good thing I have therapy today and that small group is tonight...I hope I stop crying for at least some of the day.

O.A. meeting

I went to an O.A. meeting today...for those who are not familier it is Overeaters Anon. similar to AA and NA for compulsive overeaters and people who consider themselves addicted to food. It was hard to go but went with a friend so that helped greatly. I have not been for years. It was good to be in a room of people who I could so relate to what they were sharing. Yesterday and today have been full of tears due to a combination of not sleeping last night and also with trying to find a rehab place to go to for awhile...someone asked me a question which I thought is a good question that many people probably have and that is would I consider doing the lapband procedure after treatment and yes I would think about that and also I in the research I have done and will know more about Tuesday evening that I would have to lose weight to be elgible for the operation and also I have heard and seen people have the operations and not dealt with binge eating and really screwed up their stomach and intestines and such. I find myself also trying to start planning for if I do go away for treatment for awhile....what to do with Gracie...would she be allowed to stay at the vets office boarding for a month or so knowing my mom cannot have her at her place yet would visit her....or perhaps if my friend John comes back to Columbus he could stay at my place and also take care of her perhaps...was thinking to save money here I would cancel my cable for while I am gone...put the phone on vacation mode that makes it much cheaper....probably put a timer on a light or two if John was not here and have my mail stopped.....I really prefer to go to the place in Andover since it deals with people my size and even larger....they have exercise equipment for people my size and have p.t. who would help me also....some of my worries got answers to today when I saw that they have a computer lab and also friends and family and PETS can visit....so it would be easy to stay in touch with people. I made a joke about getting an IPOD or something but know that there is no way I can afford it right now and if I had the money would spend it wiser...that is another thing is with being able to cancel some things or put in vacation mode I could handle those things just with my disability check.....................I find myself exited and scared........

Still looking...............

for treatment options . I have not been real succesful yet but am continuing to look and am also trying to put the word out there that I am looing in case someone knows something. I did not get to go to JFS this week but I think that I can next week. Guess that is it for now.