LOTS OF TEARS....................

lately! I think that I am grieving knowing that right now with all that is going on physically that I cannot really work though I might try to find something that I can do some and get paid cash for. I did get to JFS last week and found out that I am elgible for some help like in getting food stamps. JFS has to get documentation that I am no longer working at ACCOR. I have a spend down of $61.00 a month that I have to pay out of pocket each month and then I will get a medical card from the state which will pay for my prescriptions....that is a HUGE BLESSING. I am out of most of my medications and this week have noticed more what it is like when I do not take them and lots of thing like not sleeping and crying lots more and such. I see my doctor on Thursday so will hopefully get some samples until I can get the prescriptions filled. I get very frustrated dealing with the system like if one is on disability and trying to work and such and if I could work now and say for example if I earned $800.00 a month working my spend down would be about $600.00 so that means that I would have to pay $600.00 in medical expenses such as prescriptions or doctor copays and such before getting a card so that means each month I would only get in reality $200.00 a month for working p.t. and that is set up that way because I get Social Security Disability since I put money into Social Security when I worked...........if I had not worked much at all and had not put money into Social Security then I would get what is called SSI and if I was on that I would be able to work and once I got to a certain amount they would just take out $1.00 out of my check for every $2.00 I made over and would still be elgible for state medical card so would get my prescriptions paid for many people for about 3 or so years after they start working p.t. again still get a reduced rate for an apartment if they are getting subsidised housing and it could be like someone paying $55.00 a month for an apartment! Please understand I want people to be able to get the help that they need but it is wrong to be penalized for working and paying into Social Security. Please also understand I wish that I had momey so that I did not have to ask for help from the government especially and from family and friends.
I have been freaking out some emotionally because I do not know how I am going to make it these next months with not working and I want people to understand that I really tried hard to get a job and all of the doors shut and that I truly believe as do some others that I am doing what I am supposed to right now and that God has shown me this and other people this too.....that I need to pursue the bariatric operation and that I need to do that for my health physical and emotional and that right now if I do not do anything I will most likely end up in a scooter in a year or so plus now is a good time for the operation since overall besides the numbness of some parts of my legs and extreme pain in some parts I am in good health and want to keep it that way
I am really trying to not feel like a failure but it is very hard today to not feel like one since there is all of this stuff that needs to be done and I have the time to do it but physically or because of my mental illness(s) I cannot do them. I think I will check my email and then try and make some phone calls.