ups and downs.......................

this weekend has been full of ups and downs yet am happy that i did not fall any this weekend so far so that is a great thing! i was blessed today at church by people praying for me there and then also people letting me know that they were praying for me. it was a HUGE blessing today for someone to give me some money and it will be so helpful in many ways. it was just really nice to be able to go grocery shopping and now have to borrow from my mom to do so. i got to go to the library and the two books that i had on reserve were there so i have some fun reading to do....i am still debating rather or not to call clara...i know she does not really want to have contact yet i need to take care of myself also so am thinking of maybe trying to email her first or perhaps kind of be a chicken and call her when i know that she would be at work and leave a message and see if she calls back....it just is i need better closure than we had or what we did not have....even though it has been about 18 months i still think of her lots and really miss the friendship lots and had always thought even if we were not partners we would stil be friends. i love her lots still and always will and want what is best for her and know that us as partners is not what is best for either one of us yet it sucks when we cannot be just friends....i miss our great conversations...and we both have passions for the same things and have the same great sense of humor and both have similar pasts and similar mental illness(s) that we deal with (interesting enough all of the professionals we saw were really amazed at how well the relationship was with all of the baggage that we both had and what we still deal with individually in fact when we were together and i was still going to concord it seemed like we were kind of like concord's token lesbain couple....people who worked there would like introduce us and say they both are duel diagnosis with d.i.d. and bipolar and have a great relationship...it is probably one of those things where one had to be there for it to be so funny but we at one time were tempted to get t-shirts with something on it about that.....i miss knowing how her son Ben is doing...if he is getting married or if he still is with the same person....guess i got on a tanget...getting back to the now...my pain level continues to get worse which is hard to deal with....my mom blessed me with letting me charge some clothes for the summer and that would be decent to wear to work...when i get a job.