Tuesday Evening.........

I have lots that I want to share yet am so tired tonight that I probably will not get into all of it. I have not heard from the place where I interviewed at. I am going to TRY to be brave and email or call tomorrow to see what is going on....if they hired someone if i will get an opportunity to have a second interview and such. Tonight I went to an educational group at the same place i go for therapy and such. It was good and I learned some things...the name of it was "balanced eating on a balanced budget" i realized tonight as i was coming home that with it getting darker earlier my fears of being outside when it is dark are just starting again. it always happens as it gets into the fall and even more as it gets into October. It is hard because I have alot of severe PTSD in regards to fall and then add to that bipolar tends to get worse in the fall and spring so with both of those it feels like lots of stuff coming up. I think I am more leery of fall with not doing great anyway the past month or two...BUT yesterday I will have to say was one of the best days I had in a very long time for which I am grateful and thankful for! Well I think that I will end for now and will probably write more tomorrow on some subjects that I would like input from my blogger buddys........but for now I will share some of my lj's for today.....I met with Pat (case manager) at Borders and treated myself to a iced coffe mocha.....a friend from church has been lending me some really great books to read (mysteries but not really goory etc) and for those of you who do not know I love to read!.....Gracie my dog who is such a sweetie even as barky and terrier acting that she is she seems to always know when to hop on the couch or bed to have me pet her which helps she and I.........Nancy a woman I know from church had told me about this bracelet she used to have and wear in regards to eating and such and today she told me she found some so she is going to give me one soon and it has on it self control and she said that in the past it has helped her when she was going to binge or eat things that were not great for her and she would move her right hand and see the bracelet on her and the bracelet says self control......oh this is an lj from yesterday but I got to meet with my friend Maureen and we went to Borders to hang out and Constance her BEAUTIFUL SWEET HAPPY baby who is 6 months I think and I enjoyed that. It is so cute to hear Constance do her happy scream which she can do quite loud now so after a short time of that we decided best to leave since we were in a bookstore and such. I look foward to getting to know them both beter and her husband Charles better also......so those are lj's for now. Anybody want to share any lj's? Oh for those who are not familier with lj's it stands for little joys and they are things that are not huge yet make life a bit better. One more kind of silly thing to share but at times it is annoying and sometimes I think it is cute...as Gracie gets older and she is 7 now and seeming more and more like an older dog right well she also now has this behavior where if she has been really active of if lots has been going on around her and she does not nap she gets so she acts like a tired toddler grumpy and almost like whining at times and I will tell her she needs to go lay down and take a nap and most times she does. Sleeping in is not a problem for me with her because she once she gets to sleep at night sleeps lots like I do. I think that there is a show tonight with clips from the beginings of Saturday Night Live so think that I will go watch that.

Nuts and Yogurt and Food

I have found something that really works for me when I am wanting to binge and that is to eat nuts. Nuts are protein which at times I have problems eating so good for me. I get the ones that are in shells so it gives me something to do with my hands. Nuts tend to fill me up fast so I do not eat many of them at once at all. I am really enjoying pistachios and there is of course no trans fats and a serving of them is about 49 of them and if I do eat that many which is rare that I do it is 170 calories. I really want to break the pattern of eating while watching television in the evenings yet again eating nuts seems to be a good way to have a snack and gets rid of that urge to binge since they do take some time to eat when they are in the shell.
I am not a morning person and tend to not like to eat until a few hours after I get up. I have heard from so many different sources...books....magazine articles...doctors.....ed groups.........that eating breakfast is si important and sets kind of the day of a better chance not to binge. I have found that I can drink something like the Stonyfield Farm Smoothies that are a drinkable lowfat yogurt so that is a start Today mom and I stopped at Aldi's and they had I forget what brand one that I had heard of so I got a package of four of the drinkable yogurts so will be eager to see how they are......cheaper price than they Stonyfield ones.
I have been really convicted to try and eat more things that are made or grown local or at least are not shipped from 1200 miles away if possible. One thing that has been getting me kind of down is that I think if i was more of an average weight and if I did not have so so so many leg issues I would be the type of person who would use the bus or walk or ride a bike most of the time...I guess I am realizing how ungreen that I am and how much that bothers me lately. Well as I was reading and writing blogs I decided to have a snack and ended up eating about 25 nuts and am full...and wow I even drank just water with them.

Good Interview.

I think that the interview went really well. I seem to get so nervous before an interview but when I am in the actual interview I do fine. Joyce the woman who interviewed me was quiet friendly and nice. They are in immediate need so Joyce said that she would be calling back some people for a 2nd interview early next week and then wanted the person to start asap which is fine with me. It helped me I think that in the past I was a home health aide and worked with some individuals with dementia and then worked in a group home for adults age 60 and over who had some mental disabilites and such. I really like working with children and also really like working with seniors. The job is something that I know that I would like and would do well at...it is answering a 3 line phone. The residents have phones in their rooms and due to safety and privacy issues I would not give those phone numbers. It would also be keeping an eye on the people who like to sit out front in the front area and the porch and making sure they do not leave the property.I would have a walkie talkie at all times and say a person was trying to leave I would contact a nurse to come help so I would not have to like run after someone. I could also at times help with some clerical things which is fine too with me. I think besides my resume a few things I mentioned helped....I mentioned that I knew that it a place where they would need people on holidays and besides Christmas Eve I did not mind working and even filling in during the daytime on some holidays. I also mentioned that I would not mind working an occasional Saturday if it was needed. One other thing I mentioned is that I prefer to work evenings which I do so that was also I think a good thing that I mentioned. The only somewhat downer is that it does not pay great but right now I would take I think almost any job that I could do....she said that they do give raises....plus money is not everything and in jobs that are non profit types I do not mind making a bit less. Thanks for the prayers. I felt them.

prayer request

i got a call this afternoon from heartland a convelescent center in westerville. i faxed a resume there yesterday. i talked with a woman this afternoon and she set up an innterview for me tomorrow morning. the job would be a great fit of a job for me....it is evenings which i do so much better working evenings...monday - friday from 4:00 p.m. -9:30 p.m. while it is warm and when it gets colder and the residents do not sit outside it would be only until 8:00 p.m. - it would be answering the main phone lines....showing visitors where to go......making sure that when the residents go outside they come back in.....and then probably doing some mailings and such if needed....i really enjoy working with older people as well as children. oh and when it gets cooler and less hours i would most likely be able to pick up like every other saturday if i wanted more hours.

isolation mode

i have been trying to force myself to do things outside of my place and sometimes it works and sometimes it does not work. i have made it to all of my appointments that i had so far this week. i did not go to small group on monday but did go to the ed support group last evening and it was intense and very difficult for me to stay yet i did. i had an appointment at cova this afternoon and then late lunch with mom and then some checking out prices of some items at home depot and back home and it it so good to be back home just gracie and i! i am exhausted and my goal is to try to stay awake until 10:00 because i have been in a sleeping mode....i think last night I slept from like 11:30 p.m. till 12:00 p.m. i have an appointment with nan tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. and it is strange i almost get in a panic if i think that i cannot be in bed 10 hours or more. i am thinking that it has less to do with the sleep then with isolation mode. i signed up go to a woman's retreat at church it is in like two weeks. i hope to get rides back and forth because i do not do well sleeping away from my place plus if i did go for the whole weekend i would have to board gracie and plus i just get in a total chaos mode if i even think about spending the weekend around people even though many of the people i know and like.
i have this mug that has a saying on it " peace it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise,trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and be calm in your heart" unkown. the saying is something that i have been thinking about and cry out to jesus about.

sunday afternoon thoughts and questions

some of these thoughts are repeats from other posts and some are new....i continue to feel quite accepted at central vineyard. it is great to have people care and where it is alright to say no i am not having a good day....or i am really tired or share even it has been a great week and people will listen and care....last night and today i have been pondering something that i learned in aa and that is the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results and am thinking that in regards to some relationships that i struggle with.....if you were in a public place and had a SCREAMING baby would you not take the bab y out of the situation when it went on and on and on so other people cound enjoy their lunch or dinner? i am talking about going on a half hour of screaming . i am one of those people who do not mind children AT ALL yet i not only felt bad for the others of us there and for the family but also for the baby who was miserable...maybe it is because of the mood that i have been in that i am more cranky.....discovered that the dollar tree on sawmill now has frozed and dairy food items and for $1.00 and had some good things like frozen dinners and veggies and soy milk and cheese and such. today is a day with it being so humid and raining on and off that my pain level is quite high. i think that i am going to settle down with a good book hopefully get a nap in and then mom is calling early evening so that i can try to walk her through some things with her computer. i offered to go to her place but she said that with my being in so much pain it was fine for us to see if like before i could talk her through it while on the phone.....so lj's today....getting to hold patrick in church and he such a sweet and smiling baby.....having some books that i have not read yet...finished the other two books so i can start on a new one today....my mom baked cookies so i have some homemade cookies to go with some ben&jerrys ice cream later on....dollar tree having groceries.

Weather is BEAUTIFUL..............

Today it is 70 degrees and sunny ! I think that 70 degrees is my favorite temperature. I would really enjoy living someplace where it stayed like between 50 degrees and 75 degrees most of the time. My day started out quite chaotic but keeps getting better and calmer...the chaos is from myself and not outside stuff. I had an appointment today with Dr. Weiss...he is a very wise and caring doctor. We decided for now to keep all of my medications at the dosages that they are now even the raised dosage of cymbalta that the doctor raised when I was in the hopsital. He was able to give me many samples for which I am SO greateful. One thing that I like to make a point of doing is to compliment people when I see them say being great at the job that he or she does or if a parent seems to be a great parent and just to let them know that someone noticed so today I was at the doctors office after my appointment since I had a long wait till Mainstream was picking me up I decided to stay in the waiting area awhile and read before going outside...so in comes a man and his son a teenager (later found out from his father he is 14). One could tell that the teen was having lots of emotional issues going on and was really nervous and such yet watching them I could tell that the father wsa so tuned in with the son with their conversastions and the father rubbing his son's neck and keeping calm like when his son right after they walked in and the dad was checking in the teen said dad can you go with me outside please and the father said that sure he was willing to wait outside with him for his appointment yet would it help the son if he went to the car to get his book to read while they were waiting so the son got the keys and went to the car and got his book and came back in and started reading and asked his dad about something in the book and such and then they went back to their appointment with the doctor...later on the father came out while his son was still in the apointment and I said that I just wanted to say that I thought it was great how intune he was with his son and he seemed to be a great father. He thanked me for the compliment and said that his son was having a very difficult time and that he and the son's mother were going through a divorce and it hurt him (the father) how much the mess that he and the mother had made impacted the son so much. We got to talking about young teens and how age 14 was hard enough in life without other issues going on. So it was a good conversation....the waiting room is very small so it was not like I was trying to listen in and such just the way the room is one hears all that happens. I think I will be wanting to remember to pray for the family. I did take the opportunity to sit outside where the doctors office is....the place where I go for therapy and psychiatric doctor and ed's support groups is at the same place...it is a place where years ago was a huge mental health hospital campus with about 15 buildings on this BEAUTIFUL campus with many many many old trees and much wildlife such as bunnies and birds and deer live there and many places outside to sit and it is just a wonderful peaceful place to sit outside. It is now CFED and still OSU hospital uses some of the buildings for inpatient psychiatric care....there are some charter schools who use some of the buildings and some of the buildings that use to be resedential are not being used right now. Oh just a bit of weird trivia years ago when it was all psychiatric care it also housed some treatment centers and rumor has it that Lucille Ball went there Harding Hospital for treatment for alchoholism.
My morning before that was so chaotic....I woke up and thought that the day was going really well.....gotten up and dressed and laid out my medications and am not a fan of typical breakfast foods for the first meal of the day so made myself a great salad and so settled down to eat it and Mainstream came what I thought was early but I had written down the wrong time so had to hurry and get Gracie inside and could not find my cane so had to leave without it and without having time to put my salad in the fridge nor take my medications etc etc.....I got to the doctors office and called my mom to see if she could check if I had left the cane in he car which I doubted but thought that I would ask and no it was not there so when I got home I found it.............phew what a relief I do not do well walking without it and was thinking if I did have to get a new one would have to order it and use the walker so huge blessing that God answered my prayer and showed me where the cane was. So back home and going to try to fix another salad I think and I did remember to take the medications when I got home so that is also good. Mom is picking me up at 5:00 to go to the Dollar Tree ( really like that store) and to Giant Eagle and then since I have like a 60 cents off gas at Giant Eagle then Mom is going to use my Giant Eagle card to get gas. Well I think that I am going to go fix another salad and enjoy it....I did though think a bit ahead and had a Luna bar in my purse that I ate in the waiting area.

5:30 p.m friday

eating has not been up and down the past few days...i ate yesterday a luna bar around mid morning and then around 6:00 i made a salad with a mixture of foods and it was quite good. today it is 6:00 p.m. and i am eating for the first time today...and I am not hungry but felt like it is a should that i should eat something. i microwaved from trader joe's a peanut satay noodles and sauce and it is vegan and SO SO SO GOOD. i really prefer food from trader joes almost always ! if i did not drink pop and need things like dog food and toiletries than i could get all of my food there...and with walgreens next to me selling pop and dog items i could get by just going to those two places i think. are there any readers who also like trader joes? so i ate the noodles and just ate some ben and jerrys ice cream which is also so so so good! i REALLY want and need to get back into eating something small every few hours because i feel better when i do that and it is better for me. it should be even more chaotic few days than it already is on monday and tuesday and wednesday....i had a flyer in my mailbox that on monday and tuesday that the parking lot is being paved which means that i will have to walk over to walgreens to get my rides which is a short walk but not an easy one for me plus with having to call mainstream to let them know where to pick me up so monday i have two round trips scheduled for monday....first going to therapy and then in the evening to small group....tuesday my case manager and i are meeting so will have to meet him over at walgreens.....wednesday is the day the parking lot should be drying so still cannot use it so i have a round trip to go to cova that day....so besides the hassles with rides and walking gracie will be be SO NERVOUS and SO BARKY and so sure it is not a huge thing but still more chaos when life is chaotic just seems like even more of an overboard for me right now. so this weekend i decided to set some mini goals...i plan to finish the two books that i am reading right now....to write on the other blog.... to look on the internet for jobs....to go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow....and to tomorrow and sunday eat at least twice...and go to church on sunday......mom and i talked some since i got home and it went o.k. i need to write out a list of what all needs to be done in my place and then sunday we most likely will go and get some estimates of some items or i will check on the internet and also talk to a man who goes to church with me and have him give some estimates and also what all of the things that i need to have done what can he do.....it is after six and i AGAIN forgot to take my medications....well i will take my night time ones and probably a pain pill too...i wish the daytime ones were as easy to remember as the nightime ones.

Lonely and Tired and Mental Illness

I am realizing that with the chaos going on in my life in many areas and especially with the mental illness(s) that i am fighting exhaustion physically and emotionally and mentally...so I think that I am going to eat something somewhat healthy and settle onto my couch with a book and hopefully a nap. I am really isolating but really need not to be doing that right now. I started this post yesterday yet ended up deleting much of it today. I went to bed crying and woke up crying. I again had problems with COTA and my pass....I had many problems today with my mom.....and it hurts and is so discomboluating to me that people who have never met me in person or people who get paid to help me know more about myselves and seem to care more about myselves than family. I am stunned still when I cried out to someone letting her know how bad things were and the only response was oh you would never do that...........so I am back inside my place and cannot stop crying and my therapist is out today and i left a message for my case manager to call if he could this afternoon but with it being already 3:30 p.m. I doubt if he can do that....I see my psychiatric doctor tomorrow and work with the children on Sunday and besides that plan to coccoon at home with Gracie and read books and play on the computer....I see Nan my therapist on Monday and am wondering if I will end up in the hospital again. I am thinking of getting buzzed tonight it sounds really really good right now but am trying to remember it would mess up lots of things for a temporary fix. I feel crappy lately just sharing that life is hard but this blog is a place where I can be honest and people do not say oh you do not feel that way etc.............lj's for today....Gracie my dog who I adore and who adores me.....Ben & Jerrys Cookie Dough Ice Cream in the freezer....my computer working.....

No job

I did not get the job. I did not even make it in the process of getting to an interview since I did so lousy on the tests. The tests that I know that if the testing room had not been chaotic with people chatting like on break and then the woman who was getting out the vacume that even with my being nervous I would have done much better on the tests! The people chatting were not people like myself taking the tests they were employees who I guess decided to goof off in the testing room on his or her break! The first test was typing and I passed that yet still did not do well on it...the spelling test which spelling is a weakness of mine but still I think if I was not so discombobulated with all of the noise and people moving around and such I would have done better to at least pass it...the mouse test I would have aced again if things were not so chaotic! Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo I tried even knowing that going into the place that it has major turnover and is not a good place to work but thought that I would take it until I found something else...interesting enough my mom took me and was waiting in the parking lot and could see into the main area where people filled out paperwork and such and when I got back out said that just in watching what she could see she thought it was too chaotic of an atmosphere for me............so I think I will enjoy some cookie dough and perhaps some ice cream with it. Tonight and for the next few days my "plan' is to except for the two things that I have to do to not plan and do what feels relaxing such as reading lots and on the computer lots and watching mindless t.v. lots and playing with Gracie lots. I have to go to therapy tomorrow just because it being good for me to go especially in times like these I am not the type of person to cancel late minute and such and then on Friday I have to go down to the main bus customer service to get the bus pass situation dealt with.
I know that I always am encouraging people to think of lj's so my litte joys for today are......finding a little spray bottle of perfume that I had forgotten that I had.......my mom bought me lunch at a place I had not been before and it was great food.......Gracie greeting me at the door like she had not seen me in ages. I adore that dog even as barky and needy as she is and has her own issues.......going to the grocery and they had fresh raspberries on sale and Ben and Jerry's ice cream was really on sale....5 cartons for $10.00 so I got myself 3 and my Mom 2 of them.......OH I almost forgot the socks issue! I really really like socks and even sometimes find myself going out in socks to take the trash out and so I am hard on socks. I like white socks....got in a habit of wearing white socks years and years ago when I had lots of operations on my ankle and legs and the doctor said to wear white socks due to the give in athletic socks plus when not in a hard cast and the incisions were still healing that wearing white sockss I would not have the issue of worrying about the dye getting into the incisions...so my friend John has been helping me clean and organize and such and he found lots and lots of socks......so yesterday I washed and dried said pile of socks and I now have 30 some pairs of white socks and about 6 white socks that are not a match to any style but the good thing with white socks is one can mix and match really well. I know I know weird things with socks...when I used to wear colored socks I would like them to be wild and such and a friend and I were in the habit of not having to have them match.....my family all knows that if it is a holiday or birthday I always ask for socks...and they almost always get me socks but try to throw some colored ones in the mix. I am thinking in regards to socks trying to learn how to knit and how to knit socks and if I do that I think it will be back to wearing wild socks again......I could use some wild socks again since I tend to dress very drab and my friend says frumpy....I just do not want to wear anything if it is not comfy plus I do not have anywhere I have to dress up to except for an occasional wedding and I tend to get certain colors in my mind and do lots of the same such as right now clothing I have is lots of purple and lots of black and brown...I ventured and even got a top that was burnt orange and had some pattern on it and people seemed shocked and even kind of went overboard in a kind way to tell me how great it looked. O.K. back to the socks for one more thought....as a kid I used to go barefooted anytime I could my mom even made the rule that October1 -May 1 we could not go outside without socks on and better yet with shoes on but ever since all of the operations and being in a cast and being in bed months dealing with all of that my feet have been more sensative so that is why I wear socks like almost all of the time now....6 operations...cant remember how many casts....about a year mostly in bed about 6 months of that having to stay at my mom's and to think that all was started when I tripped on my carpet in my living room and fell breaking my ankle in three places and my leg in one and dislocating it and such...kind of a funny story....I remember passing out and then crawled to the phone and called 911 and I apologized and said that I did not drive and my roommate was not home and I think that I really hurt my ankle bad and that I needed help please so the ambulance came and I had told them to come to the back door since I knew that I could crawl to open it and the paramedics came in and the first one who came in said mam when your ankle is where your food should be and your foot is where your ankle should be it is always fine to call us . I do get asked and yes at times I do set off metal detectors since in my "good" leg I have a plate and pins and then in the other leg the one injured in above story has a few pins in it still. Funny how things go it made my mood improve to be able to tell folks about the socks and ankles and such..............

ED thoughts................

I find myself thinking about now people who do not have ed's eat.....many thoughts reflecting back on my lunch out today with my friend Michelle and also about my eating while I was in the hospital. The hospital served 3 meals a day so I found breakfasts one of the better meals there so now I am back in the habit of eating breakfast which I hope to continue because as people say it really does help my day go better with eating and not binging. I am also drinking more water than pop with the heat and really hope to continue to do that and continue to drink less and less pop and perhaps one of these days soon I will not even keep pop at home. I found out that I am anemic so I need to eat more protein so I want to get back to eating protein at leat a bit every time that I eat. I know too that I do lots better when I eat just a little every few hours so it is good for me to eat like six mini meals and also always combine carbs with protein. I find that I always prefer protein like in nuts or fish then in red meat or such so when I went shopping this week I stocked up on those type of things.
Today at lunch Michelle and I ate at TGI Fridays. We both got salads which were wonderful and then we decided to order two desserts and split each one ane it was really interesting how there was great conversation and great food and I ate most of my salad and wanted to save room for desserts and we split the desserts and there was about a third of each dessert left..now I am NOT one to want to waste food yet I found myself full and able to stop and so was Michelle and left very satisfied and thinking that I got my sugar fix and would probably not want sugar again this weekend. I think too I think I need to change my routines of eating in front of the t.v. I think that I might try to eat out on my patio sometime soon.
I think right now my ed's seem to be that I am binging less but still often overeat. I also though it is often easy for me to not eat all day and then at night that turns into overeating and often a binge...sure sometimes with amount but often with just the quickness of how I eat. I know that I have mentioned this before but I am so so glad to have my computer working again!

Out of hospital and computer working again.........

WOW what a few weeks has been!!!! I went into the hospital on Tuesday the 31st of July and got out on Monday the 6th of August. It was one of my longer stays being 6 days but was needed and was helpful. I think if it were not for missing Gracie so much plus knowing the expense of boarding her I might have opted to stay a couple of more days but when I left the hallucinations were almost totally gone for which I am SO GLAD about! I got back on full doses of all of my medications and only one of them was raised. I got some really good sleep which was needed also. I will post more about the hospital stay on my other blog sometime soon. Gracie did really good being boarded which was an answer to prayer. I tried this time having her boarded where I get her groomed and she seemed to do much better there with no problems like she usually has...I think Mom and I figured out what the difference was and that is at the vet when she is boarded they are in the basement...and Gracie has NEVER since I had her gone into any basements at my place when I had one and in Mom's place when she had a basement. I got Gracie when she was one so I am thinking she had some bad experences in the basement before I got her. When she was at 4 paws it is where she can see out when she was in the play area and when they put her in her seperate place it was very similar to like a stall at a barn and had just a half doow on it and was very good sized so plenty of room to turn aound and such so that was really good! Today I got my computer fixed....thank you Mom! I had my friend John look at it a few days ago and he could not figure it out and it was times like this that I wish that Andrew lived close by so he could have fixed it...so the memory needed reseated and while he was here he updated my spyware and also updated XP. I really like the company I use they are called Home Computer Helpers and they are reliable and quite knowledgable and such. It was nice to that I had the same person who came out before and it was for the same issue when he came out before. I keep thinking that I would like to take some more computer classes.....so this weekend I think I will be on the computer lots catching up reading blogs and emailing people. I am still feeling a bit " not right" but am so so so much better than I was and am so THANKFUL AND HAPPY AND RELEIVED to have my computer working again. Thanks for the encouraging comments.