Back from call tech...............

and realized during the application process that it would not work out for me. The training is either 8:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. or 4:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m.......and I am not an early morning at all and it would be that if I went to the evening one I would have to get a cab back and that would not work out well money wise plus I get very nervous riding cabs.....plus the test that I took was very technical and I did not know some of the things that were asked....and it was pure chaos too there which I do not do well at...so good to find out what it was like...was really hoping that it would work out yet I prayed lots and asked others to pray and know that it was not the job for me.

Interview................

I have an interview today at 1:00 p.m. I would appreciate prayers about the interview and the job. It is at a call center and I have heard mixed opinions on working there...some others who got laid off at ACCOR are working there now. I tend to pull it together to do a good interview so that is good. I just really really need a job right now and it is kind of hard with all of the limitations and such...I also would appreciate prayers about my walking...yesterday was a really really bad day of walking with pain and my legs not wanting to work all of the time. I ended up not going to church because of that ....did go over to my friends house in the aftenoon with my mom and hung out with her family which was fun yet it took me probably 10 minutes plus to go up my one step on my sidewalk and almost fell and twisted my knee.....going to check with the condo association if i could put a railing on each side of the step which would help greatly or make the step a ramp.....................more later after the interview. This verse got my attention today....about the job...."For I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me strength and power" Phil. 4:13

Februrary 28thth 1987.....

at 7:20 a.m. on a Saturday I gave birth to a healthy baby girl who I named Kierstin....about 72 hours later I signed papers so that she could be a adopted. It was one of those situations where I knew with several confirmations that adoption was the plan that God had for her. I was single at the time and dating her father Archie...it was not the healthiest relationship but it ended up being more like friends with benefits. I remember the place and all when I chose to tell him I was pregnant and he chose that as the time to let me know he was married and did not want anything to do with the pregnancy or myself anymore. I was very scared because of all the drugs and medications if they would have an impact on the baby...scared becaue my parents were prejudice...scared because of not making much money....and lots of other fears....also though knowing that I really really wanted this baby and knowing as far as taking care of a baby I knew how to do that quite well with having been a nanny and a daycare teacher and such.....move to the 3rd trimester and I had to be on bedrest and move back in with my mom and the doctors not knowing if she would have any problems due to the drug use and such...I was so mixed about what to do and remember being in the hospital about 7 1/2 months pregnant....I was encouraged by Rich and Marlene to put a fleece before God....so I did...I asked God that if the baby was to be placed for adoption that families would come foward...being fine with the baby being mixed race....living in a community where there were multi races in church and school settings...that the family would be alright with any health defects or problems that the baby might have...that there be at least one silbing.....the next day Rich got 10 yes 10 phone calls from people out of the blue wanting to adopt and wanted to adopt a special needs or hard to place baby!!! So....moving onto her birth day....the labor was really really long but then the pushing was really really short like 20 minutes and I was able to do it without medication....but I have a very very high pain tolerence and still have that....she was a beautiful baby girl and was healthy with no problems at birth. God is Good!!! I am really happy with myself for doing what God wanted me to do even though it was the hardest things that I have ever done...and there were other reasons why that now is not the place to share. I still think of her almost daily. I would like to know how she is yet I will not search for her unless God leads me to do that. I am open if she wants to know me. I did find out years ago that when she started school that she did not seem to have issues with learning...God again is so good with putting all of that in place! I did find out her first name which is not the name that I named her. I have signed papers and let people know if someone contacts them wanting to know about me that is fine. Oh also at the time she was born Rich was still working with doing adoptions and working at the church. My sister Marianne and I were talking recently and said that if she has not searched it must mean that she had a good life so far...yes I would like to some day meet her and see how she is and what life has been like for her and also to share with her some things. I did write a letter that explained lots to her for when she got older and also sent a Bible....the only regret that I have is that the family and I did not stay in touch...like an open adoption..one more very sweet story about her and I's time together...the doctor let me stay in the hospital so that I could spend lots of time together during the 72 hours..and one time I went down to visit and the nurse knew I was going to take pictures and had found a really pretty gowns for her and put a bow in her hair and she looked so so very pretty. I guess I just want to add if by chance Nicole you ever read this and want to get in contact that is great and if you do not want to that is alright too just know that I loved you so much then and still and always..and think how special you are to God that all those people wanted you.

Lots of reflecting...praying...and h

going on in my brain since spending some time at the prayer vigil. God is so so awesome and it is really hard to describe in words or painting or voice at times. central vineyard....to me is again hard to describe....the words that come to mind are .....thank you so so very much for leading me to central vineyard where i am accepted as i am and encouraged to grow in Jesus...accepts all of me with all of my issues and disabilites and faults.....where i can be involved....Father God I ask now that as the prayer vigil comes to a close that you bless each and every prayer request that was said...drawn...written.....please Father God let us be a church that continues to pray for all of the needs and wants that were prayerd for over this weekend and the ones we will be finding out in our day to day lives....please please use me more and more....let my wretched distructive path of a past be used to help others.....i ask God.....

happy happy joy joy.................

I think that I figured out FINALLY how to have comments on here and that they do not go to someplace where I have to read them and they do not get posted or some weird thing but now I think I have figured it out....and HUGE apologies to people who have commented in like the past months plus and I just now saw them! I have good news in that I have an interview on Monday with what used to be named Calltech....it is for customer service...and some people who also got laid off from ACCOR are now working there. I am not sure even if they offer me a job if I can work there because the pay might be too much with what I can make and still stay get my SSD...there may be a time in the future when I can work more but right now is not that time...but I can count lots of things as work expenses so might try it if they offer me a job and see how it goes....I can count Mainstream...medications...therapy...and such. I also got to sleep all night last night PRAISE GOD....I have been waken up or if I am awake already at 12:15 a.m. and it is a mixture of HUGE panic attacks and spiritual warfare and seeing things...not psychiotic but either flashbacks or things in the spiritual realm....kind of hard to explain. I still find myself most days crying off and on and off and on....listening to Hillsong United lots and the song "All I Need is You" talking about God....still feeling lots and lots of feelings and thoughts about all of the changes.....I have a new case manager...I now have a new career developer at COVA....and Will my therapist is getting married and May and his to be wife lives in California so leaving Ohio to go to California in April...this change will be the hardest. I am really really trying to trust God because I know that Will was put in my life by God and now it is a time for him not to be so much in my life....we still plan for him to help me with my book. Again I feel really silly that I did not figure out til now about the comments and am hoping that I fixed it so that people including me will be able to see them on the blog..........

HUGE THANKS

to Teresa and Jeff Kobelt for shoveling my sidewalk from my mailbox to the main sidewalk so that I could get down to the carport area and walk from there out to meet Mainstream or a ride! We also were able to get the snow out of my mailbox which does not have a lid so it got full of ice and snow. It is usually with a small amount of snow that I can get it shoveled and such but with it being so much snow and then ice I could not do it and wanted to be able to get out if I needed to and also that the postperson can get to my mailbox and not fall. Tomorrow I am going to venture out to see Will my therapist which will be good because it has been two weeks which seems like a very very very long time since normally see him twice a week....and he was on vacation for a week and then was in California and could not get back to Ohio till this morning. I tried last night a cocoa from Trader Joe's that is called sipping cocoa which is very rich tasting and very good....hmmmm might make myself a cup right now. I made it with vanilla soymilk.....very yummy. Off to the kitchen now...................

Feeling trapped................

is not a good feeling for me! I tried to get out and shovel some and did get some snow moved around on the patio so that I could get to the patio door...the snow outside the patio is way too deep for me to be able to keep my balance and shovel so for now I just have to stay inside at home which with it being a weather level alert is not a bad thing it is just that I am already anxious that I can get out on Friday to my appointment with Will because I could not go today due to the weather and CFED was closed which makes sense. I just sometime get irrational when I am feeling trapped....I even called my mom and was going on and on and on about how if I did need to call 911 that the medics would not be able to come in because of my sidewalk..but mom did get me to calm down and remind me that in reality they could get to me if I needed them to do so. I called the condo association and found out that the company that they hired to do the shoveling well the company took on too many clients so they are really behind and are hiring more people so am hoping that be tomorrow that they will come here. I also sent out an email and will make the request here that I am looking for someon who could come to my place tomorrow (hoping that the weather is stopped snowing and icing from awhile) and if they could just shovel the sidewalk right in front of my step so that I can get to the garage ports to walk under and then also the sidewalk that is from the sidewalk in front of the building to my mailbox and then just a bit in the grass which sounds strange but often times I have to go in the grass and cannot do the step. I am willing to pay someone $20.00 and give them some extra money to get something warm on the way from my place. I also need to say due to all of my mental illness(s)....gracie(my dog) and other things I do not let people in my place so just wanted to mention that ahead of time...hoping soon God will grace me with His healing so that I can let people in....deep deep down I do want to be able to do that. I think I will watch the news to see what is going on weather wise and such...............

This is true but hard to believe...........about breast feeding

alright it will probably seem wierd for me to be posting about breast feeding since i do not have a baby and such but this is just...hard to put words for... my best friend september her mom works at a daycare and since i used to work at many daycares and was a nanny in the past when we all got together we got to talking about changes in laws and such for daycares....well now at a daycare if a woman pumps and leaves bottles of breast milk for her baby it is get this considered a HAZARDOUS MATERIAL....since it is a "body fluid" so it has to be kept in a seperate refrigerater and it has to be heated seperate from bottles of formula...one of the heads of the daycare has to be the one who handles it to take to the teacher and then has to watch that the teacher heats it seperate and that the teacher only gives it to right baby and then puts the bottle in ther right diaper bag when it is empty... and it is more expensive to bring your own breast milk! at the daycare where dee works it is an extra $60.00 a month! the reasons for all of these procedures because the breast milk might be from someone who has aids and if the teacher has a cut on say her arm and tests the bottle for how warm it is on her arm then she may get aids. it just makes me upset when parents are trying to do really good things for their children and in a way get punished with having to pay more etc....so do other people agree that this is like way too much! well i did get out today in all of the snow and went to applebees to meet my friend chris who did not show...the food was good but would have been lots more fun to be having lunch with someone...then when mainstream picked me up it was sleeting. i was so glad to get home and inside safely and when i did get home i canceled my two appointments for tomorrow which probably will get canceled anyway...one knows the weather is bad when doctors offices closed...malls closed...osu and other colleges closed...meals on wheels is not delivering....since the weather is a bit warmer in the 20's instead of 0 gracie is wanting to go out more often but she gets soaked with doing doggie angels and with the snow and sleet coming down and i get concerned with her getting sick again so i only allow her about 10 -15 minutes at the most and then make sure i dry her off when she gets inside which at times trying to dry her off reminds me of trying to catch a 2 year old human.

Monday Evening

Yesterday was a good day. I was able to go to church in the morning....had rides and got up on time...I then went over to my mom's place and she made lunch for my friend September and her mom and us....In the evening I watched television and went to sleep really early for me and then slept in also. Today has been alright.....did not do much except bum around here at home and then Mom took me to the doctor's to get my rx and then to Walgreen's to get if filled. The pharmacy only had 25 pills and it was written for 60 and they did not exepct to get anymore until next week...so I just got the 25 and will have to go back to the doctor's in about 2 weeks to get another rx because with controled substances like some pain medication you cannot get part of it and then later get the other part one has to get a new rx...I guess I understand it since this medication is abused often but still is a hassle. I am thinking that I must be a boring blog writer since people mention that they read the blog but it is very rare for anyone to comment....so feedback on why one does not comment or give me ideas so people will comment

Feeling very gross.....

and sinful and how can I have Jesus in me and be such a bitch at times! I got back from spending time with my Mom and we went out to eat and then went shopping and had a really good time until we got back to my place and she is trying to help me carry things in and I get worried about her falling on the ice and even though I asked her just to wait and carry things like half way where it is not icey she went ahead trying to help and I just got really snippy and rude and then upset with myself and then once I got inside my place is when I just am feeling as I said really gross and sinful bcause of my mouth. I repented to God and will write mom an email later and apologize and I know part of the " mood swings" which are actually d.i.d. most of the time kicking in are part of the mental illnesses it just makes me so so so frustrated at times. I know that in reality I get nervous thinking she will fall while helping me and if she breaks something that everyone will get mad at me for having her help me when in reality most people who know her know she is very very very strong headed and when she gets something that she is going to do in her head she is going to do it.....anyway thank God for being such a loving and gracious God even when I am acting so very very human. Onto another topic after being in since Monday afternoon it was really good to get outside! I have plans to go out with Beth a woman I know from my old job and we have connected some by phone since we both got laid off...Sunday is church and then my mom and my friend September and her mom are having lunch together so that will be fun.

Friday Night....

I had a really great time with hanging out with my sister! We got to talk intense stuff and laugh and share it was again a really great time and great food! I then went to Skullys and heard Michael Gallaugher play which continued the really great night and heard another band......lesson learned though as much as I enjoyed the music I am very very clusterphobic and in a room filled wall to wall with people it pushed my buttons lots....Jeff K was such a huge blessing and just went beyond in my book.....I was to meet Teresa and him tonight there and they were going to bring me home....Teresa has a cold and did not feel like going and so Jeff came anyway just so that I could have a ride home....again I say he went way beyond...and it is interesting how God works because I was going to head out anyway to see if they were there and if not was going to try to get a cab home and saw him and he saw me...so thank you God for people like them that are so so so very giving. I am very tired just from being in such an atmosphere where I was dealing with all of the people and being clustephobic and kind of over stimulated with all the sights and sounds and also it is very rare for me to go to a bar....I was very tempted to drink I told myself oh maybe just one drink but it could have fatal consequences with all of my medications and then also I did not want to mess up 12 years of being sober. Well I am going to take my night time medications and watch some mindless television and try to slow my brain way down. Oh and also a thanks goes out to Scott S. who was so very very kind to give me his seat tonight.

The relationship wtih food.........

that I have at times is so strange....I am SO happy that my binging is lots lots way way down in fact probably 95% less than a year ago so that is a good thing and something that I am quite thankful about! I still tend to often overeat when I do eat often times or just do not pick the best foods and then there are still these days when I just really do not want to eat which is not healthy and it is not good with being a binge eater because it sets one up to binge later.....as an example I am getting together with my sister for dinner and then going to Skullys later on and I ate about 11:00 a.m. today ate some protein and some carbs......I ate a protein bar about 2:15 p.m. and my goal with my eating plan is to eat every 3 hours and now I am kind of hungry but not real so trying to decide rather to eat something or not and the only thing that sounds good is something like ice cream....the good news is the what I have like that in my freezer is tofutti which is at least to me somewhat more healthy than ice cream...but am I wanting that because I am kind of hungry or am I wanting that because I am somewhat nervous about going to Skully's tonight....or am I just kind of nervous because I have been so social for me this week...or is it a combination of all of these things...not sure. I do have a blog question for someone please.....how do I link blogs that I read onto my blog? I would really like to add my new blog buddy Andrew...so maybe Andrew can you tell me how to do that please?