Frustrations big time..............

because I really want to write a book and I have all of these things in my mind that I want to put in the book yet I cannot get it started so am thinking that I just need to start writing things down and not concern myself right now with what goes first etc.....any ideas from anyone? One good thing about the book is that I have already found someone who will help with editing it and perhaps some of the writing...I am one of those people who in English classes when I had to write would get an A in content and a D in grammer...I went to COVA today and it went alright...still looking for a job and I know that one will happen just not sure of timing so needing to really trust God on this! Gracie LOVES this cold cold weather so I let her go out for just a few minutes at a time because of how very cold it is and it is not good for dogs or cats or humans to be out for long when it is this cold and with her also not feeling good I do not want her to get sicker. I was surprized in a good way when she took her pill and let me put the drops in her ears without fighting me. I am really glad that tomorrow I do not have to get out at all because so far this week I had to go someplace each day which for the average person is normal it just is not my norm.

The Gospel of Wholeness....

gave me much to ponder. I had heard it years ago yet needed to hear it again. My mom went to the whole thing and she said that she got much out of it also. My food lately has not been what it should be yet it is not binging it is actually eating less then I should and not eating as much protein as one should. It seems to be a pattern where I do alright with eating protein when I am eating out but not at home. I am doing much better though at keeping things that are healthy for me here at home. Yesterday I went to Trader Joes to stock up on frozen dinners. I have been productive today which is a good feeling! I wanted to be more productive but my physical pain is stopping me...though I did make the choice to stay out of bed and not nap and just do things on the computer which are less stressful than the standing up to clean and such....trying to remember every little bit helps. I am not a fan of cold weather at all and the snow and ice scare me to walk on but I am happy with myself that I got out Friday and Saturday and Sunday. I changed my juno address book to sbc so now I can cancel my Juno well will drop it to the free service one can get if you just use it a few hours a month so that for awhile even though I think I let everyone who I know emails me about it I can make sure that I will get those who might have forgotten and such. I think between the cold...the pain...my wanting to read a book today....and some of the shows that are on tonight I really like I will be going to bed early tonight.

Wednesday afternoon....................

and I have my appointment today with BVR and COVA. I am such a wimp when it is so cold outside with the ice...afraid of falling and such. My friend September and I got together last evening and bless her she stopped on her way over to my place to pick up some salt to put down...I was out of it and the complex did not get shoveled like it should have been so there is lots of ice on the sidewalk and parking lots. I just remembered as was typing this that I was going to call the condo assc. today to tell them about the sidewalk and parking lot in front of my unit did not get any shoveling or salt put down. I shoveled the best I could one handed yesterday and got some of my walkway clear....makes it interesting when using a cane in one hand and the shovel in the other. I was actually kind of impressed with how much I got done.
I found out the latter part of last week that my test came back normal so that is a huge relief! I also figured out this weekend that I am not elgible for unemplpyment......I did not make enough at ACCOR and also with not looking for full time work are the reasons. I was disapppointed but was not really surprized. I guess winter is here now....it is forecasted that it might snow again tonight.

Good day so far..................

Today is the first day that I have not cried since getting laid off from my job...not that crying is a bad thing just can be very weary for one's soul at times. I had my appointment with Will which was good. I had Mainstream drop me off at Borders instead of at home afterwards....one thing that Will and I discussed is that during this time with not working I need to push myself even more to get out even it is by myself at a coffee place or such. I decided to use a gift card that I had gotten as a present for Christmas and got a book on helping one know how to draw...which will be very helpful for me when I make cards and such...a paperback copy of "Charlottes Web" and a new cd of "Indigo Girls Remastered" which I know that I will really enjoy since I MUCH prefer the older songs than their newer songs. My goals for the weekend are.......clean off table so that I can do some creative art and such.......laundry.......of course look for jobs in the want ads.......call some people and try to connect since with not working I have found myself more lonely.......I am hoping maybe to make some phone calls to old friends who live out of state and have one of those really great long phone calls where even if you have not talked to the person in a long time one can be very real and deep with. I also hope to figure out if this art project that I want to give to someone if I can do it all or if I might need to find someone who can help me or do this mix media idea I have...if anyone who reads this who might like to help me and make a small amount of money let me know and I will fill you in more on it.

Job searching..............

is coming along. I sent a resume to one of the mental health centers that need help with a newly opened all day drop in center for people who deal with mental illness(s)....two of the positions are clerical and two are helping out in the center. I think that I would enjoy either of those and I also believe it is a place that God can use me. I am surprized at how overall my food has been during all of this. It has not been fantastic but it has not been horrible either. I am determined today to get lots of laundry done and also some phone calls that I need to make yet know that they will be long phone calls......the unemployment office....a company that i bought something from....those sorts of calls. It is so cold I think that I am going to enjoy staying in all day or at least that is the plan..........

Rainy day and Sunday.............

It sure is a rainy weekend. It has been a intense day for me but alright...I felt so cared about with all of the people at CV who asked how I was doing and such. I went out with about 10 people to celebrate Robert's birthday and he seemed to enjoy it. I was glad to be out among people yet it was quite hard for me to be with people today. Food has been alright...I did when I shopped got lots of good things to eat meaning good for me. I am thinking with not having a job I should get into going swimming....it is helpful for me physical and emotional. I need to clean and such but I think I am going to play some computer games for awhile.

Tears and tears and more tears.......................

today. I saw Will today and it was a very intense session! I did not hear anything about the test yesterday so trying to tell myself that no news is good news I think....though am assuming that if they did see what they thought was cancer that they would contact my doctor first but now sure....food was not good today and has not been the past few days. I am going shopping tomorrow at Trader Joe's and probably Dollar Tree and maybe Walgreens.....Dollar Tree I have found has really good nuts and trail mix and things like that. I am DETERMINED to start drinking more water! I am really hoping to make a list tonight of what I need to get at the stores because I do much better when I shop with a list so that I do not forget things that I really need nor end up getting things I do not really know. I am really hoping to get myself together enough tonight or tomorrow to call Marcus who was my supervisor at ACCOR to see if he is still there and then also tell hopefully he is and how much he meant to me and how a great support he was with many of my issues. I go to COVA on Friday so that will be good to get things rolling again..........I am really hoping that during these days at home to get lots of cleaning done and to start doing art work and such again...I miss it when I do not write or do art work. It sure is cold out!!! I know that it is normal January weather but still after the temperatures that it has been....................brrrrrrrr

Midnight...........

and I am still awake looking at various sites to look for places to work. I had a fantastic time with John! We went over to Borders and talked about what was going on for each of us...talked about different things God had been showing each of us about ourself and also God speaks to me via John and to John via myself and we shared those things and praised God on how much He cares for us and can speak so right on to each of us. John leaves Sunday to go back to collage and so even better to hang out since it will be some weeks before we can do that again...though as we both said we would still have our at least once weekly phone conversation. I really appreciate John M for posting on CV about my looking for a job. I need to try to get myself to unwind so should head to bed and watch some mindless television or read...tomorrow I have an appointment with Will and then the plan is to clean and do laundry and make a list of what all I need to get when I do one of my big shopping trips going to Dollar Tree and Giant Eagle and Trader Joe's and Walgreens....various good deals at various places and some places carry things that the others do not. I let myself buy a new worship cd and also a book that was on sale for like $4.00 thinking that except for the gift card someone gave me for Borders that I will not be buying much there if at all until I am working again. John and I were joking that it would in ways be hard to work there and be such a lover of music and reading I would be conerned that my whole pay would go back to them in sales. : )

Tuesday......................

has been a day of lots and lots of crying. I overslept this morning so my mom had to take me to get my medical test...the test was really not that bad....now just trying not to assume the worst while waiting for the results. I got home and Rachel had called to see how I was so talked with her for awhile and then found out that Hugh my case manager is no longer working at the mental health center that I go to so that is a hugh bummer and cause for more tears....getting back to the test I think for me it is always the not knowing that is the worse. It would not be good at all to have cancer I am not saying that at all but at least if I found out that it is cancer then I can know what I have to do..........and will find out options and such. Yesterday evening after finding out the news about work and then today I really find myself missing Clara! I hope to get a hold of my friend September soon and hope that we can hang out some soon. I could REALLY use some email buddies so if you happen to read this and happen to be alright with me emailing you please let me know.....

WHAT A DAY AND WHAT A WEEK..............

is going on! What a week in hearing the news about Jeff and Teresa and the pregnancy...and a good friend of the family Paul has liver cancer and is not given long at all...and then today at work they had a mass meeting and I found out that I am one of the 34 people laid off!!! I am still stunned somewhat...It was a time that I found myself talking some to others there who were either laid off or wishing me well that God is in control and find myself more peaceful than I would ever thought that I would be over this news....they did give a decent leave package I think with being part time....gave everyone the info that one would need to apply for unemployment....so life should be more interesting the next few weeks or months. I already called Rachel my job coach at COVA and talked with her some....ACCOR gave some information about web sites to job search on....It is hard when I am looking at it through my own eyes since I am very limited what I can do physically....and I really really enjoy helping people yet do not do well at it face to face but do really well at it on the phone.......with being on disability I am limited on how much I can make and such.......and limitd with my mental illness(s) what I can handle and such.......my friend September has kept reminding me she thinks that I should take classes and become certified as a medical billing and or medical coding since the medical field is such a booming field so I might check into seeing if I could get grants or loans to cover the training...I am really bummed because my supervisor was not at the meeting and I wanted to talk to him so will try to give him a call sometime soon or send a card to him...Marcus was such a great supervisor and is such a great man and I really am hoping that we stay in touch. I am still reflecting as I type this God's healing and such because a year and a half ago or even a year I would be totally totally in a huge funk and would probably have ended up in the hospital over all of this....Life is Hard and GOD is Good. I am open to hearing about any part-time jobs that might be a fit for me please....well in other news tonight is the game...my pain level is really really high again today so am thinking that I will go to bed early tonight and relax lots and read some and watch the game and hang out cuddling with Gracie.....oh also tomorrow I have to have a medical test done that I am nervous about yet again less nervous than I would have used to be.....I would really covet prayers about a new job.....the medical test and results......and my relationship with God would continue to grow deeper and deeper during these times....again GOD is so good to me....I see and feel his healing and covet more times of healing and seeing and hearing his voice in my life....I also it was interesting today saw this picture in my head of a time in the future and realized as I was watching that it was the same picture that John had described to me a few months agoa that God showed him.....one more thing about looking for work that I am a bit nervous about yet God can handle I know deep down is that with looking for work and getting a new job that I would have the type clothes that I would need to have and even better then getting new clothes would be a job where the clothes that I already have that I could wear. I had planned to write a post about new year goals and plans and such yet will do that another time....

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I hope that 2007 will be a year full of...peace...mental health stability...losing weight...exercising on a regular basis...new friends...money stability...spending more time with people than alone...realizing more and more God's love for me and for all people and sharing that with people...being more like Jesus less like myself...understanding from people who I am...less much less physical pain...I hope that anyone who stumbles upon this post is blessed with peace and joy and love this new year.
My food again is difficult...I have been doing better with eating snacks and meals it seems the last few nights in the evening is when it gets difficult. I worked extra hours yesterday and am working extra hours today also....Will is on vacation and that has been a huge bummer this week since life has been so intense...I am crying more of the time than I am not crying on Saturday I cried for about 16 hours straight! I have a plan for starting a blog mainly about mental illness and such soon.