not much to say the last few days..............

i have been again having extreme ups and extreme downs. my physical pain is continuing to increase and my legs are continuing to not work well or even good at times which is my own fault due to my weight it still is taxing to deal with emotionally and physically. i am SO BLESSED by the help in so many ways by the many at central vineyard. i am really hoping and would appreciate prayers about my meeting tomorrow with erin my case manager so far she has not been helpful at all and i am thinking of telling her tomorrow that i will give her another month to show me that she can be helpful or that i will contact her supervisor to request a new case manager or perhaps just may be able to when a situation arrives that i need an advocate to have one from central vineyard. i appreciate that someone did come foward and say that she would help me with job and family services so hopefully on friday when we go that it will be something that will help greatly. the weather has been beautiful and i would really like to be able to take a long walk or even a short one but that cannot happen much at all right now. i am thinking of starting to use the walker more even though emotionally it is a hard for me to do. i do not mean to whine because i amVERY BLESSED IN SO MANY WAYS....just life continues to be full of issues and i think that i am growing more weary in so many ways. i did have a really nice time both at autumn's high school graduation and her party on saturday even though i wrote down the wrong time so mom and i were really early but they were really nice about it and mom and i left and came back about three hours later...sometimes my memory is not great. i am trying to catch up on laundry today...and catch up on some emails that i need to write.

Interview was FANTASTIC

i just got back from the interview and it was FANTASTIC! the people who were conducting the inteview were running behind and so gave me more time to go over answers to questions that they might ask plus God was talking to me that i really needed to bring God up in the interview and my beliefs and such so i was like o.k. - so when i was in the interview i answered the questions and i think three times God prompted me to say certain things such as that I believed deeply about God and how all humans have worth no matter what class or color or disabilites or not or having a home...and then i was asked about what drew me to want to work at a homeless shelter and i said that i really wanted the things that break God's heart to break mine..and the man who was interviewing me got a huge grin on his face and one of the woman said you really liked that answer to him didn't you and he said yes. cory sat in on the interview and said afterwords he would give it a 10 out of a 10 so that was good to hear and i thought the same. the job would be i know very hard some days and trying some days and it would be something that i could learn lots from not only the job but also with God bringing in various situations for me to deal with such as people right out of prison and such....i REALLY want this job! so please keep praying..............
my pain level is still higher than normal yet a tad bit better today. i am really tired and am thinking that between the pain and the interview today has been an intense day yet a good one.

I have an interview tomorrow!!!!!!!

I have a job interview tomorrow and I am really exited and hoping that this will be the intervies that gets a job for me! It is with Lutheran Social Services working at Faith Mission as a hospitality person. I know that I would do the job well and I know that with Jesus guiding me and with the skills and compassion He has given me that it would go well. I also know that most people in the U.S. are one paycheck away from being homeless...and I know for myself I have not been homeless but there have been times when if it were not that I was getting help from my mom and from other people I would have been homeless so I do not see myself any better than any of the homeless people.
My pain level continues to be way way more than it was...I have even a few times here lately taken two pain pills instead of one and it helps a bit more but even with twice the pain medication I still am in LOTS of pain...maybe takes it down like from a 8 to a 7 and I do not expect to be totally pain free but I would like for it to be like down to 4 or 5 would be a blessing. I might try to make an appointment with my doctor but not sure if there is much that she could suggest or that I could try. The best option would be for me to get my left knee replaced and then also my right ankle fused.....if I had the knee replacement it due to my weight would be time in a rehab center about 6 months....both of my ankles are bone on bone and the left one has a plate and 12 pins in it an d the other one I have had 7 operations on it and the only thing left to do is to fuse it and with my weight it would be about a 12 month recovery because someone with a normal weight it is 6 months.
I hope today in spite of the pain to get a lot done as far as making phone calls and laundry and such.............

ups and downs.......................

this weekend has been full of ups and downs yet am happy that i did not fall any this weekend so far so that is a great thing! i was blessed today at church by people praying for me there and then also people letting me know that they were praying for me. it was a HUGE blessing today for someone to give me some money and it will be so helpful in many ways. it was just really nice to be able to go grocery shopping and now have to borrow from my mom to do so. i got to go to the library and the two books that i had on reserve were there so i have some fun reading to do....i am still debating rather or not to call clara...i know she does not really want to have contact yet i need to take care of myself also so am thinking of maybe trying to email her first or perhaps kind of be a chicken and call her when i know that she would be at work and leave a message and see if she calls back....it just is i need better closure than we had or what we did not have....even though it has been about 18 months i still think of her lots and really miss the friendship lots and had always thought even if we were not partners we would stil be friends. i love her lots still and always will and want what is best for her and know that us as partners is not what is best for either one of us yet it sucks when we cannot be just friends....i miss our great conversations...and we both have passions for the same things and have the same great sense of humor and both have similar pasts and similar mental illness(s) that we deal with (interesting enough all of the professionals we saw were really amazed at how well the relationship was with all of the baggage that we both had and what we still deal with individually in fact when we were together and i was still going to concord it seemed like we were kind of like concord's token lesbain couple....people who worked there would like introduce us and say they both are duel diagnosis with d.i.d. and bipolar and have a great relationship...it is probably one of those things where one had to be there for it to be so funny but we at one time were tempted to get t-shirts with something on it about that.....i miss knowing how her son Ben is doing...if he is getting married or if he still is with the same person....guess i got on a tanget...getting back to the now...my pain level continues to get worse which is hard to deal with....my mom blessed me with letting me charge some clothes for the summer and that would be decent to wear to work...when i get a job.

It has been almost a week.................

since I last posted anything not sure why.......it has been a time of lots of downs and some ups. I have really enjoyed the times that I have spent with people socializing such as at Kara's shower on Saturday and on Sunday my friend September and her mom Dee hosted a Mother's Day tea and it was fun and also Peggy who is September's mother-in-law came and also Autumn who is September's oldest daughter she is 16 hung out with us before she went to work. Yesterday I hung out with Maureen and that was good too...Maureen is very easy to talk to and loves to laugh which I also do and it seems like we can cover lots of subjects when we get together....so those were all good times....I still am having LOTS of bipolar symptoms going on and the new medication will take about a month plus to get it to the theraputic level so it has been tough. I am really frustrated with eating and weight and such and have been thinking LOTS about inpatient treatment and/or more intensive outpatient treatment and also thinking about in a year or so perhaps having the lapband operation and the reason I say a year or so is I would have to lose weight in order to be elgible. I also have been thinking of inpatient at a place where they deal with what is called super obese and I think if I was able to go to a place for like a month and could get on a really healthy meal and snack plan and shown what exercises to do that would help me and that would not make my pain level lots worse...there is a place around Cleveland Ohio and one in the state of New York. Lack of money is really really tough right now.....the payee I have messed up on payments to AEP so in addition to what is budgeted for the payee to send out in June I have to pay an aditional $200.00 in order for the electric to stay on...I am needing to get a new rx filled of my pain medication which will be a few hundred so need to check around and find people willing to donate...let me borrow...etc it is a very difficult thing for me to ask people yet I need to do so because of needing to have the electric stay on...needing the pain medication which I really do a great job of stretching the rx out...this one I have 3 pills left out of a rx of 60 and I got the rx filled about two months ago so I stretched one month rx into two and try to just take the edge off of the pain like take it from an 8 to a 5....and i will need to ask for help with simple things like groceries soon also. I had a great morning yesterday but the afternoon was really rough....my leg went numb like it does often ( feels strange when in one part of your leg you have acute pain and the other is numb and you cannot feel much) so I got up and why I am not sure was not thinking I guess I tried to take a step on my numb leg and of course went crashing down on the floor and as hard as I fell and hitting the coffee table with my back and trying to catch myself another not thinking I guess I am really surprized and blesed that I did not break any bones! I was and am QUITE sore and am in lots of pain today and last night and my right thumb and wrist is feeling like I sprained them and it is hard at times to use my right hand like to carry things and to write with a pen so I stayed home from the support group that I had planned to go to and went to bed early and had one of my nights full of tears lots and lots of tears.
Today I went to COVA and had my appointment with Cory my career developer/job coach and we saw an ad that I applied for and the job has lots of positives for me....it is at Arlingworth Nursing Home which is a really nice place and I know that because my friend September used to work there and my mom was in the rehab part for a few weeks after she had a knee replaced...it is about a block or two from where I live so easy to get to...it is for a p.t. receptionist and it is evenings and weekends and looks to be about 20 -24 hours a week depending on if it was a weekend one worked. I am really exited about this and it would be the type of job that I would really enjoy! I am thinking the only thing that might be against me is that I am not willing to work on a Sunday morning on a regular basis...I would fill in on occasion but would not do that on a regular basis but working in the evenings and on the afternnons on weekends I would like lots.....and was talking with Cory that with being so close that if someone like called in sick it would be easy for me to pick that shift up. I have been filling so so very discouraged about not having a job and got really exited today about this possible one. Tomorrow I am going to be running some errands with mom and then my plan is to in the next couple of days apply for help with medications and such....again not sure why I went almsot a week without posting but hopeing that I will get back into my routine of doing it more.

Isolation Mood............

I have found myself wanting to isolate this week but am determined that this weekend I will push myself to not isolate. I was able through a blessing from some people at church and samples from my doctor it looks like except for perhaps one medication have enough for a month until I see my doctor again so that is good. I have been experiencing lots more symptoms of my mental illness(s) so the doctor decided to add a new medication...it will be so great if it takes away the symptoms that make being productive and in social situations difficult but I am bummed about having to be on another medication. Yesterday I went to Columbus Area and put in an application to be a peer counselor...I would really like that job! I also faxed in some others to answer phones at a business and such. I am so overwealmed with my place and trying to remind myself that every little bit of cleaning I get done helps....I think I have found myself so very very very tired...tired of the mental illness(s)...tired of being obese...tired of having walking issues....tired of not finding a job....I find myself amazed that the creator of the universe cares for me the whole mess that I am...and wondering how to ask for help from people when one is concerned about rejection...no easy answers for any of the things I am wondering about and concerned about.....just know to get up and deal with the days and nights the best that I can with help from God.

PLEASE PRAY...MIRACLES NEEDED................

or something BIG has to happen or else life will get much more intense and worse and not sure how all to describe it.....I will try to make this short and hopefully able for people to understand......I found out today that I am maxed out on what Humana which is Medicare Part D will pay for my medications! So that means that I will have to pay out of pocket which I cannot do because the medications that I am on which right now are five are expensive so if I were going to pay out of pocket it would be roughly $2500.00 - $3000.00 a month which of course even when I am working I cannot do....I can get samples sometimes from my doctors for 3 of them but the one that I need like the most is like $900.00 a month and it is hard at times to get samples of that one.....not asking for money just asking for prayers that I can figure out how to get the meds that I need and also another large prayer request is that this issue does not end me up in the hospital.............thanks.........o.k. adding some more things that I found out about today...took Gracie to the vet...she has a double ear infection again and also the doctor said that with her sleeping more and eating less and such is from having some back pain so she got a shot of cortizone and is going to be on anti-inflammatory medication for at least a week. I really felt bad to find out she is in pain and could tell when Dr. Goode checked her spine and she flintched. If there is a positive besides finding out what is wrong with her if she does have to be on the anti-inflammatory medication all of the time is is only about $8.00 a week so should be able to do that.

Job looking...............

today I was at COVA to meet with Cory my career developer/job coach. We faxed in a few resumes and the plan is to next week go to Columbus Area Mental Health to drop off a resume and hopefully be able to talk with someone there in the H.R. department. It is really pretty out with the warm weather and blue skies.......I find myself still crying for no real reasons every day this week so am wondering if it is the bipolar...is it that I need medication changes...is it hormones.....is it just that I am feeling more overwealmed than I think that I am....not sure at all but will say the crying out of the blue and for hours on end is getting tiresome. It is going to be a big long weekend for my nephew Brendan....Marianne and Johnny(his parents) flew to Florida today to meet his bride to be Courtney and then on Sunday he graduates from college....and then on Monday starts working f.t. at the place he has been working p.t. for a few years now. He had the opportunity to work for Samaritin (sp?) Purse overseas but decided against it. It will be interesting to see where all Brendan goes in life...he is a great guy and very very talented and loves God. He is thinking of moving to Columbus in the fall of 2008 to go to OSU for his Masters. I am looking foward to the C.V. prayer vigil that starts tomorrow.

Interview that did not happen...............

I had scheduled an interview today with a company that is a message service...it seemed like a nice company to work for and was at an location easy to get to and from...and I made it up in time to get ready and get Mainstream and got downtown and the business was on the second floor of the building and there were only steps and not an elevator and the steps were older and not spaced well and on and on....so I knew that I could not do those steps many times so I went upstairs on the steps and told the receptionist that I had a 10:30 a.m. interview but needed to cancel it because of the situation of just steps and no elevator and she said that she would let the person know. I went back downstairs and was sitting outside and someone who worked for the company and talked to me and said that it was too bad about the steps because it was a great company to work for...etc etc....I was reminded again today as I was downtown how many hurting people there are in the world...I mean I do know this but 3 interactions with people reminded me...the young woman who talked to me about the company who told me that she just had a baby five weeks ago and hope that the father would move to Columbus and help her... I was thinking of inviting her to church but she left to go back from her break before I could do that...there was an middle age woman who came running into the Subway and asked if I was using my cell phone and I said not at the moment why and she said please dial this number and she gave me a number and then I let her talk and she told a person she was just a block away and to wait for her and then she said my boyfriend died two weeks ago and I said that was very sad and that I was sorry to hear that and she said he was using cocaine and she did not know it and the friend was taking her to see a therapist and I said that I would be praying for her and she stopped for a moment and then said something flippant about the boyfriend and left...and I have prayed for her a few times...and then a young woman came and sat next to me on the bench outside the library with a bag of belongings and I said hi and she did not speak which was alright and then she said it is hot out and I am going to sit in the shade...which she did and I was going to go get her to see if she needed something to drink or eat but she left before I could....I just have been asking Jesus to have the things that break His heart break mine and I think today I got to see some things that do....................