Saturday Blues.........

I did not get it together to make plans to do something with somone or even to go someplace by myself which when I do not do either of those Saturdays I tend to feel like crap and spend lots of times in tears...feeling like crap and very full of issues such as mental illnesses and being fat and on and on....so I decided to sit down and make myself think of some lj's and trying to make my brain think of the good instead of the bad and ugly.........so the lj's for today.........
1. I got to spend some time with Maureen yesterday and as norm it was a time of great conversation and good coffee.
2. Gracie - my dog who loves me even when I am grumpy.
3. I have been sorting and going thru mail and got that done today.
4. I have been getting some cleaning done today.
5. OSU game is on t.v. tonight.
6. Mom helping me out $ wise.
7. Church most likely helping me out $ wise
8. 3 weeks from today my youngest nephew Brendan is getting married to Courtney...very exiting.
9. Good music on the radio
10. I am happy for my friend Michelle that she got to take off today and tuesday and wednesday and typically has off sunday and monday so she gets a mini vacation at home.
11. I am exited for Maureen and Charles and baby Constance who get to go visit Charles's family who most of them Maureen has not met nor has baby Constance.
12. I get to see Nan my therapist twice in a week.
13. I get to see Pat my case manager this week.
14. My mom took me to one of the small groups that I go to last evening and picked me up since I had forgotten to arrange rides.
15. fellow bloggers
16. I get to help out tomorrow at church with the kids which I always enjoy.

So dreading as is typical October yet really really trying not to but it seems like it creeps in more and more as Monday is the first day so I think that I am going to REALLY TRY to keep lj's lists every time that I blog in October.

After Interview Blues

After spending about 45 minutes on Monday on a phone interview in which I was quite impressed with the company to experience the most unprofessional interview that I ever experienced was quite frustrating plus I left there thinking totally a totally different way about the company! The actual job I would have REALLY LIKED and I know that I would rock at but for this company with the woman who interviewed me yesterday and things that I was told in the first interview were way different then what I was told yesterday. The blues are from my really before the second interview I totally really wanted this job and now I would not work there I doubt if they called and wanted to hire me. This is it for today.

JOB INTERVIEW

I AM SO SO EXITED....I HAD A PHONE INTERVIEW TODAY THAT WENT REALLY GREAT AND I HAVE A SECOND ON SITE INTERVIEW TOMORROW...I AM REALLY EXITED ABOUT THIS OPPORTUNITY AND HAVE BEEN PRAYING LOTS AND ASKING OTHERS TO PRAY. I WILL FOR SURE POST ABOUT THIS TOMORROW...AM TRYING TO GET TO BED EARLY TO UNWIND AND SUCH....

Prayers

Please take the time to go visit this blog http://thatnightintoronto.blogspot.com and pray for Jamie. We have never met in person just know each other through blogging.

part two of questions

I was reflecting again on the questions and I think came up with more simple answers to describe. I would say in general after a service I feel peace and hope and at times also convicted and full of care and concern about big issues. I do know that even when it is something that I am really convicted about I get lots out of it and even when life is hard and my mental illness(s) are kicking in and even if I am in lots of physical pain and it is hard to get up and moving and I want to isolate I am ALWAYS afterwards QUITE glad that I made the choice to go....and I still get amazed over and over again how God the creator of the universe loves and cares for me.
It was a good e.d. support group tonight....lots of good discussions...mixed with almost everyone talking and there were of course some tears and some laughter. The group seems to be gettting better in my opinion. I think that I will take my medications and head to bed soon.

What a great question.................part one

What a great question Crusty asked..." How does Church make you feel afterwards? Is it routine and tradition that you're used to? Or does it give you different feelings? Always Crusty I have been pondering this since I read it. I think these questions are really great ones that I am sure the answers are as different as people are. I would be interested in knowing what other people think since spirituality is so different for people...I would be interested in what you see as " church' is for you if it is a church family or involved at a temple or if your spirituality is between just yourself and a higher power or nature...so please for those who read this blog I am really interested what your thoughts and feelings are. I think for me this will be a long post and might end up being a few posts. I might even go on a tangent or two to explain some thoughts....
I think for myself it depends what is going on when I am in fellowship with other people who love Jesus and desire to be more like him. The church group that I am involved with has few traditions though some routines so I will share what a typical Sunday looks like from my view and the feelings that go along with this on most Sundays. I know that the word "Church" means different things to people for right now I will be using the word Church as a group of people who love Jesus and desire to know Jesus more and show others the love of Jesus.
C.V. right now does not have a building of our own. The begining of the plant (which is when a group divides off from a church and starts their own for lack of a better word branch of that church which in this case are Vineyard churches. The plant is because the growth of the church and not because there were disagreements and such) the people met at a home and then a park and then moved to a school and now we are at another school. So on a Sunday morning when I arrive early to get the children's table set up and ready there are already people there for about two hours before the first service to get the sound equipment in the building...for the worship band to get set up....for chairs to be put out...for coffee to be made...for all of the toys and art supplies and such all the equipment brought from the storage garage to the building to set it up. The thoughts and feelings that I have at that time is that I am thankful for all the people who give so much of their time and energy. I am thankful that I go to a place where there are things that I can do to serve such as the check in table for the children and that there are places for everyone to be able to serve no matter who he or she is. One thing that has always been in my life is a special place for children. I delight in that this group of people follow Jesus's lead and delight in children....one might seee that care in a classsroom or the children being in service perhaps a young baby with a parent or perhaps a young tot crawling in the back of the service and hearing the sweet voices perhaps of a baby babbling on a child singing along in worship...another way one might see this is for a dedication for a baby...praying for a couple who is going overseas to meet their daughter for the first time....it might be wanting to make sure that every child gets his or her needs met and perhaps finding an aide for that child in the classroom. I get exited when I see the church growing and that it is full of such a variety of people....people who are not sure if they believe in God...people who are not sure what they believe....people who are struggling with lifes hard issues which could be a marriage not working out....someone who is using drugs or sex or spending too many hours at work or ??? whatever people might use to numb the pain that they are experiencing. I am not exited about peoples pain yet I am exited about a church a group of people where people can be real with what is going on even when it is messy. i like knowing that i do not have to put on a smile if things are hard....Worship is something that fills me with gratitude and awe and sometimes sadness and a variety of feelings to realize that this group of people are worshiping God the one and only God who sent His only son to die for us and die for me....so this might involve being quiet when others are singing or standing and raising my hands or dancing and not having to worry if one looks silly because we are not there to impress each other with how we worhip hopefully....and i really enjoy the comtemporary music we worship with and am thankful and feel blessed to have so many talented people on the worship teams. I also am blown away at times knowing that there are such a variety of people in this one room...married and single and various cultures and some handicapped and some hippies some perhaps a woman who has a permit to carry a concealed weapon and some really poor and some really rich people who have such a variety of thinking about various world and political issues. It is important to me to be part of a body of believers who serve people and love Jesus like Jesus would such as going to a nursing/rehab center where to be there you are homeless and life is hard and to be able to have the priviledge to go there and talk with someone and let them know that there are people who do know that life is hard and care....and also people care about a group of orphans overseas and make sure that the children and staff have what they need or want and to let them know that someone cares and loves them and how much God loves them! The other thing I delight in on a Sunday morning is the chance to get to meet someone or know someone and catch up with what is going on with him or her during the time between services with a cup of coffee and a muffin. The group that I am involved with has small groups during the week and during those groups I also experience such a great variety of feelings....time to share joy and sadness and pray for each other and talk about the hard issues and also have some great social times full of joy and laughter and the opportunity to serve others in the community with that group of people. The groups are another way to be real with people and for others who are again not sure what they believe or if they do to be welcomed and cared about. So.....as far as traditions go I do not see that myself but I know I do see some routine things that go on and that those routine things are not routine or typical in many of the churches here in the United States. One other thing that I want to add is that I am almost every Sunday challanged by the teaching or a conversation on how I can be a better person with letting Jesus more into a certain area of my life or a way I can give more of time or talent or such. So after a service on Sunday I am full of lots and lots of feelings and even when life is hard and I am convicted by a teaching and have been encouraged to be more real in a conversation and would not change any of it. I think this is a subject that I will most likely write a few posts about. I think I will write later on tonight or tomorrow to tell people more about Vineyard churches and what they are about and such. Again I would really like to know how others would answer these questions.
lj's so far today.....a really good meeting with pat my case manager...listening to some oldies on the radio (feeling a bit old when the 80's music are on the oldies stations)....having a great cup of coffee at borders bookstore....crusty asking such great questions that have really sparked some thinking..,having a great conversation last evening with my friend john...getting to go to the e.d. group tonight...............

2 out of 3.....

2 meals out of 3 i think i did well with what i chose to eat and how much i ate...that was breakfast and lunch and then for dinner not pleased with what i ate nor how much i ate. i am trying to give myself some grace since i was out to eat at a food court at a mall and did not have much money and with really trying to eat at least 3 times a day and i did that today so that is a positive. i would like to get so that i would eat 6 very small meals or almost like 6 snacks a day yet for now am alright with eating 3 times a day.
today as a typical monday i had therapy. nan and i talked about many things so i feel that we got a good amount acomplished so that was good. i met michelle at the mall after therapy and it worked out well that she arrived about five minutes before i did so she did not have to wait long for me. we both ride mainstream. we looked around a bit and then i sat and people watched while she did some more shopping and then we went to caribu coffee and then to the food court. i enjoy spending time with michelle and now that we do not work together i miss seeing her.
tomorrow i meet with pat my case manager and then also go to the e.d. support group. i think again tonight i am going to head to bed kind of early..i have been actually if i get enough sleep getting up earlier.
today lj's..................
mainstream being on time for all of the three rides that i had with them today.
getting to spend time with michelle
finding 3 dollars worth of change in my purse
the temperature being in the 60's
playing with gracie

Sunday Ramblings............

Today has been an alright day. I am really tired due to not sleeping much last night. I tend not to sleep well if I have to get up early in the a.m. I've had my typical Sunday....going to church and then out to eat with mom and then some errand running and now back home. I really want to take a nap yet if I do take a nap now since it is about 6:30 p.m. most likely I would go to sleep and sleep for about 6 plus hours and then be awake for the rest of the night so making myself at least not go to bed until at the earliest 8:00 p.m. I think that I might try to motivate myself to clean some more...or perhaps I will read yet thinking that reading might lead to sleeping so maybe some computer games.............

Good day..............

except for food. Yesterday late evening I got motivated to clean so cleaned for awhile and was pleased with what I got done. Today I slept in later than I wanted to but once I was awake I was able to get up and moving more quickly then I usually do. Tammy and I went out for coffee and had a good conversation. I got home and made some phone calls and did things such as made the reservation in Cleveland at the hotel we will be staying at for Brendan and Courtney's wedding in October. I checked out the website and it looks like a fancy place yet we were able to get a discount since there is a block of rooms...looks like a fun place. I was so relieved that I remembered to ask for a handicapped accessable room. It makes things much easier for mom and I both. Cleaning lots and lots today and also playing lots with Gracie. It is cold here for the time of year that it is...it is 58 and it might get into the 30's tonight is the forecast! I like fall weather but am not ready for winter temperatures yet so I have been washing some sweatshirts. I read some blogs and some of them I could leave a comment but others I could not leave one on them......
Food has not been good but it is I know because I did not eat before getting together with Tammy and then I just got coffee and she got pop and then when I got home I got busy and did not remember to eat until it was like 6:00 p.m. so ordered some things from Pizza Hut and it was good but I ate too much. Tomorrow I help out at church the first service and then go to the second one. Mom and I will do our usual and go out to a late lunch...and then my plan after I get home is to clean the kitchen and get to the bathroom either tonight or tomorrow. I am determined to eat breakfast before I go to church tomorrow! It is interesting how much better I do with food during the day when I do that.
OH I almost forgot a really sweet and helpful thing that happened today! I got a call from Pat my case manager who knew that I have been having a really really rough time and called to see how I was doing. I thought that was very kind of him especially since he was out of town for the weekend. One other thing I wanted to mention is that I think I as long as I can find someone to watch Gracie is to go to a inpatient treatment center for eating disorders for a few weeks and hopefully get on track somehow. I have heard some really great things about a place in Oklahoma which is so so so far away especially since I do not drive and have never flown. God would have to put all of those plans together for me to go that far.....well I need to write some emails and then I think I might even clean some more...I seem to be on a roll with cleaning.

Lots of pondering..............

I have found myself doing much introspection lately...some has not been productive yet some of it has been. I find the times that have been the most productive are the times that I have been crying out to God even when at times the words are few such as Oh God Oh God Oh God.....help me I want to be more average or normal as a human yet I want to be above average as one who loves God and to be serve him and those who He puts in my life...yet I find it very hard to think that I can do that when I cannot even take care of myself these days. Music is often something that at certain times in life I can really relate to a song and lately those songs have been of Jason Grays music....so want to share a few lyrics........

Blessed Be

Losers
All the lovely losers
Who never thought you'd hear your name
Outside
Always on the outside
Empty at the wishing well
But time will tell

Blessed Be
The ones who know they are weak
They shall see
The kingdom come to the broken ones
Blessed Be

Thirsty
Like you are drinking from a salt sea
But one day you'll be satisfied
Hungry
For the taste of mercy
If only you could have your fill
One day you will

Blessed Be
The one who know they are weak
they shall see
The kingdome come to the broken ones
Blessed Be

Not for the strong, the beautiful,the brave
Not for the ones who think they've got it made
It's for the poor the broken and the meek
It's for the ones who look alot like you and me

Blessed Be
The one who know they are weak
they shall see
The kingdome come to the broken ones
Blessed Be

This week has been a really tough one! It seems like I keep saying that on my blog or in person or when I emailing people. I just try to be real and right now life being tough is where my life is at. I think that now that I can see and feel like I am where I am and there are many many mountains in the way that I need to get over and such but then I can also see the other side but it just feels like way way hard to get over these mountains. I know also deep down I do not want to give up yet some days it seems so far out of my reach to do that. I wanted to write some other lyrics that are meaningful to me right now of Jason Gray but thought one could if they wanted to check out the words and songs one could go to www.jasongraymusic.com and then click on the media link and then on music..the other songs that are meaning much to me right now are..."the cut" and then also "i'm not going down"
I do not believe that God has brought me to this point to give up on me and also I want to be able to do whatever He has created me to be.
I have been sleeping lots and lots this week...and spending more time it seems to me vegging out watching mindless television. One evening this week I went to bed at 6: 00 in the evening and last evening it was around 7:30 I think.
Food has not been good this week! I am really frustratedat myself because I bought some really great stuff for me and have not made anything with it yet. I bought a blender so that I could make smoothies and have not used that yet either.
I am going to push myself these next few days to be social and not isolate..today mom and I are going out to eat and then run errands and then tomorrow I am getting together with a woman I met at the binge eating support group and then Sunday is church and such. I want to really push myself to clean and do laundry also. I really want to contact and talk with Clara yet I know with all that is going on with me that now is not a good time to do that. Well I am going to try and think of some lj's because I think it is good when lots of crap is going on that one does that on good and bad days.....................

lj's.....

gracie is such a huge blessing in my life
an email from a friend asking how i was doing
getting to go out to to the library today
going out to eat
good conversation with the maintenance man
listening to music
reading blogs

Not sure right now if I will be back posting more on a regular basis again or now....but it was good to be able to write on it some today............

Not much to say right now.............

I just do not have much to share right now because it will to me seem either really trivial or too intense....I shared some things with some people I know from church last night and they were both very gracious about it it just felt like way way way way too much sharing about my past!

EXTREMELY weary...................

Last night was one of the worst one that I have experienced lately. I am SO FRUSTRATED that I had really horrific hallucinations going on to the point I was trying to think of who I could call at 3:00 a.m. to take me to the E.R. - I did not want to go into the hospital was just hoping for a shot to help calm me down and to slow or end the hallucinations. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Nan my therapist and then my psychiatric doctor. I sure am hoping that I do not have to go on higher doses of any medications due to the hallucinations and hoping that last night is not starting a cycle.
It seems like as I look back on some of my posts that I often say that I have lots that I want to share yet am too tired to do it at that time and again I am feeling that way lots that i want to share but am so tired and need to focas on unwinding especially since tomorrow morning is one of the days I have to get going very early. But for now I will share a few words on some things..............I really liked meeting Courtney and her mom at the shower. I think truly she and my nephew Brendan were made for each other....Last night was the binge eating support group and there were lots of people and I think it was a good meeting.....Nancy blessed me with a bracelet that sayss self control which is one of the fruits of the spirit and she shared how it helped her when she was getting ready to binge and such to stop for a moment and pray and or journal so I think it will be a blessing for me also......some of my couisns are going to be in the city where I live this weekend and want to get together with mom and I and I think that I am not going to go since it has been years since I have talked or seen most of the them and I guess I just am too embarrassed to see them and have so much crap going on with me..unemployed.....weight issues.....mental illness issues....well alright going to think of some lj's and head to bed I think............lj's for today....I bought myself a blender that has the cup that is like 16 ounces that is like a travel mug if you want to make say a smoothie to take with you...enjoying reading another book by Dee Henderson....enjoyed talking with Ryan the pharmacist where I get my medications at. He is so kind and helpful and wise and has a great personality....been trying to spend more time outside even if it is on my patio reading......found some clothing that I could not remember where I put it....this is an lj from yesterday but got the beautiful wedding announcement for Brendan and Courtneys wedding and it looks like it is going to work for Jordan to drive Mom and I to and from the wedding. It will be a win win situation for all of us since I no longer drive and I do not want Mom to drive to a big city she has not been to in years and Jordan is like most of us really tight with money right now so he is going to drive and Mom and I will pay for gas and for meals and such on the way down and back....
Oh one more thing...I had this week a HUGe ahaa moment where I was able to link someting that is going on with some thoughts of mine that I did not think were connected but they are.....not trying to be avasive just hard to explain............peace.............

This week has gone fast........................

and I was surprized when I realized that I had not posted anything since Tuesday! It actually overall except for some food issues a good week. Gosh where to start? I found out that I am elgible for the low income rx help which is such a HUGE BLESSING! I went to get my pain medication rx filled and it normally is like $350.00 and then if I got the rx and used the Walgreens discount card it marked it down to about $185.00 and so I had gotten a call that I was elgible for the very low income plan and the medications a month supply would be between $5.00 - $10 so when I got to the pharmacy it cost me only $1.00! I have been trying to push myself to be more social....so went to another small group thru the church and I really enjoyed it. It was a beautiful evening yesterday and we all sat outside and Kori and John have a firepit so we had a fire which it was a perfect night for. I received a HUGE blessing from Kori and John yesterday when they have one of those cell phone plans where they get like 5 phones so they gave me a cell phone that I can use on their plan! I never have used a cell phone much at all except for perhaps if I am out and need to call Mainstream and at times use them for making long distance calls yet I always feel safer when I have one with me.
O.K. I was in a good mood until someone stopped by to complain about Gracie barking too much when she is outside. I tried to tell them with facing a parking lot and people coming and going she is going to bark etc etc..................I guess I am just going to have to not let her out much just to hang out on the patio because even when I am close by she barks. I am so frustrated by this all!!! I just think that some people do not understand dogs...............
I did not hear anything back about the job so no news in this case is bad news. I did pray about it and felt like God was preparing me to not get the job so I was not totally surprized. Well I had planned to write more but now am bumming over the dog situation............so more another time.