Lots of pondering..............

I have found myself doing much introspection lately...some has not been productive yet some of it has been. I find the times that have been the most productive are the times that I have been crying out to God even when at times the words are few such as Oh God Oh God Oh God.....help me I want to be more average or normal as a human yet I want to be above average as one who loves God and to be serve him and those who He puts in my life...yet I find it very hard to think that I can do that when I cannot even take care of myself these days. Music is often something that at certain times in life I can really relate to a song and lately those songs have been of Jason Grays music....so want to share a few lyrics........

Blessed Be

Losers
All the lovely losers
Who never thought you'd hear your name
Outside
Always on the outside
Empty at the wishing well
But time will tell

Blessed Be
The ones who know they are weak
They shall see
The kingdom come to the broken ones
Blessed Be

Thirsty
Like you are drinking from a salt sea
But one day you'll be satisfied
Hungry
For the taste of mercy
If only you could have your fill
One day you will

Blessed Be
The one who know they are weak
they shall see
The kingdome come to the broken ones
Blessed Be

Not for the strong, the beautiful,the brave
Not for the ones who think they've got it made
It's for the poor the broken and the meek
It's for the ones who look alot like you and me

Blessed Be
The one who know they are weak
they shall see
The kingdome come to the broken ones
Blessed Be

This week has been a really tough one! It seems like I keep saying that on my blog or in person or when I emailing people. I just try to be real and right now life being tough is where my life is at. I think that now that I can see and feel like I am where I am and there are many many mountains in the way that I need to get over and such but then I can also see the other side but it just feels like way way hard to get over these mountains. I know also deep down I do not want to give up yet some days it seems so far out of my reach to do that. I wanted to write some other lyrics that are meaningful to me right now of Jason Gray but thought one could if they wanted to check out the words and songs one could go to www.jasongraymusic.com and then click on the media link and then on music..the other songs that are meaning much to me right now are..."the cut" and then also "i'm not going down"
I do not believe that God has brought me to this point to give up on me and also I want to be able to do whatever He has created me to be.
I have been sleeping lots and lots this week...and spending more time it seems to me vegging out watching mindless television. One evening this week I went to bed at 6: 00 in the evening and last evening it was around 7:30 I think.
Food has not been good this week! I am really frustratedat myself because I bought some really great stuff for me and have not made anything with it yet. I bought a blender so that I could make smoothies and have not used that yet either.
I am going to push myself these next few days to be social and not isolate..today mom and I are going out to eat and then run errands and then tomorrow I am getting together with a woman I met at the binge eating support group and then Sunday is church and such. I want to really push myself to clean and do laundry also. I really want to contact and talk with Clara yet I know with all that is going on with me that now is not a good time to do that. Well I am going to try and think of some lj's because I think it is good when lots of crap is going on that one does that on good and bad days.....................

lj's.....

gracie is such a huge blessing in my life
an email from a friend asking how i was doing
getting to go out to to the library today
going out to eat
good conversation with the maintenance man
listening to music
reading blogs

Not sure right now if I will be back posting more on a regular basis again or now....but it was good to be able to write on it some today............