also for those....................

of you who do not know my other blogspot is www.riggsli61.blogspot.com

The good the bad and the ugly..............

Today has been a rough day at best.....it started out well with working really hard in therapy and getting some stuff done so left feeling GOOD.....then my mom was kind enough to run me on some errands and went to the drugstore to pick up some medications that I needed and found out I capped my limit with my Medicare part D ( which for those who are wondering why I get Medicare it is because I am on Social Security Disability) so if I was going to pay for the 3 yes 3 medications that I needed it would have cost me $890.00!!!!! O.K. so no of course I do not have that kind of money so could not get any of the meds so tomorrow need to call my case manager and my physician to see if they can help me and then next week when I see my psychiatrist I wil check with him so and to add to the frustration if the insurance had covered them it would have been around $100.00 which again I do not have so mom was being kind enough to cover that but for sure could not have paid $890.00.... plus I am also on 2 other medications and am supposed to get another one so no way that will happen now...so that was the BAD so then going on from there to Krogers which due to my mental illness kicking my butt which leads to not handling some things well like money my mom gave me money for the week..............so on to Krogers and had made a list so was doing good and then I am just quietly shopping when some 30 something old man aka a total jerk came by me and stopped me to tell me that I was hideous to look at so I froze for a moment that was the UGLY moment of the day.............so when I got home I cried for like 3 hours and left some messages with Will my therapist and ate a pint of ice cream....did NOT order pizza so am happy that I did not order pizza................talked with Will for about a half hour and that really helped and he and I were able to talk about the good choices that I did make when I got home with no self abusing except overeating the ice cream but that is mild to what I do at times....................so am back in my body and feeling calmer....it also helped that my friend Bobbi Jo called me and talked to me for a few minutes and quoted scripture to me which was a great help........so am worn out so going to head to bed soon..............

Food Log

I have started keeping a food log which is a great help for me to see patterns and to see well this day even if I thought it was really bad was not that bad or wow one did really eat way too much of not the best choices or there were some things that I chose that were good choices and such. I still am having a hard time when at work .....the ride times that I get to go to work vary so like today I leave at 3:45 p.m. and do not start work until 6:00 p.m. and then work until 11:00 p.m. and have a 15 minute break so if I do eat on my break it has to be something that I can eat quickly...today I plan to eat before I go to work and then probably with having lots of time there before I start work will have time to eat something before starting work...I am in a pattern of eating when I get home from work which is alright if I am going to stay up for a few hours but not so good if I get home and grab something to eat and eat it in bed while watching television before I go to sleep. This past Tuesday was the e.d. support group....since I am planning on going to one of the cv groups which meets on Tuesdays probably will not be going for awhil unless it falls on a 5th Tuesday of the the month which is fine with me with not going much because for whatever reasons I have not seemed to be make connections there which I was hoping for but did not hapen. I am looking foward to the other group.

Food today......

seems to be getting back on track...I think that it is part due to a spillover of yesterdays experience with visiting Central Vineyard. I have been eating like small snacks thoughout the day. I need to call the p.t. place to see about getting into the arthritis water aerobics class. I have had energy (emotional and physical) to clean some today and am trying to get through the mass amount of laundry I have to do and had some rest and relaxation times too so it has been a good day.

I have been experienceing...........

lots of thoughts and emotions today. I wrote about my experience with visiting Central Vineyard on my other blog. One thing that I wanted to post here is something that happened today that is one of thosse things people might say that it was a coincidence and I think that it is something that God planned for me......my mom picked up a couple of magazines at her church today and they happened to be different then the ones that she wanted to get one for me and one for her well I have yet to read it but in the magazine is an article about a man who was about 100 more pounds then me and has lost weight I could tell by the pictures and how he learned to feed his soul with things beside food. I am really looking foward to reading it., I have not done so yet because of my head being full of thoughts and feelings about visiting Central Vineyard. I went out to eat with mom after church and then shopping at Giant Eagle and was pleased with almost all of the choices that I made and also gave myself some grace for how long it took me when I would stand there for minutes deciding what I should get and trying to pray as I go to ask God to guide me.

Food has..............

been getting back in control somewhat and I am sure that it will continue to do so the more I turn that issue over to God on a daily basis and a few times during the day actually. I have been reading a book about living a disciplined life which has been quite helpful and quite convicting also. I have slacked off on reading which I really enjoy and also it is something that is quite needed in my wanting to live like Jesus more and more.....I remember years ago sitting in a 12 step meeting and someone talking about her addictions and how she kept trading one for another one and that she thought when she got old she would be addicted to her rocking chair and I sure do not want to be trading my food addiction for another one! I would like to change the food addiction to those times when it wants to kick in spending more and more time in prayer and reading and seeking God. God is calling me to write a woman who we were friends about 5 years ago and the relationship withered away because of my sinful nature and when she told me that I needed to turn my eating and food and weight over to God I told her that I needed to get more disciplined in my eating and food and God had nothing to do with it which is so wrong now I see that my addictions are things that do need to be taken to God to heal and fix and help us with those areas among all of the area of one'w life. God has also convicted me that I am talking badly about the customers with another person at work who does the same thing...I think that I need to share with her what God has been showing me in my life about that yet I need to be kind and gentle since she also is a believer and would get really angry with me if she thought I was telling her she was doing something wrong so I need to be able to share with her that about my walk with Jesus and what He is showing me and that I am not judging her at all. The place where I saw the orthopedic doctor has a rehab center in the same building and it has a pool and they have water aerobics for people with arthritis and I am thinking of taking some of the classes and then taking what I have learned when I got to Victory's...the classes are quite cheap $6.00 a class and they encourage one to take at least 6 so am going to check into that next week. I did not make it to Central Vineyard this past week so hoping to this week or next.....

Food.......

has continued to be difficult.......I am pretty sure it has to do with the time of year and memories that come up and such. I am trying to not concentrate on what choices I made that I am not happy about and just trying to do better. Yesterday I went to the new othopedic doctor - mine has moved out of town and I am not comfortable with the other doctors in his practice...the new doctor was very kind and told me kind of what I alreasdy knew that my right ankle and left knee are bone on bone without any cartlidge so the only thing that one can do is to fuse the ankle and to replace the knee and neither one of those options am I comfortable with so I just need to live with the pain the best that I can and also swim as much as I can since I am unstable when I walk. He did give me a shot in my knee and said that I could have those shots up to 3 x a year so going to see if it helps or not....I used to get those in my ankle and they helped for awhile but now the ankle is in such bad shape he is not willing to give me a shot in it. I saw a new psychiatric doctor last Thursday. He is so knowledgable and kind and a Christian and wise and I knew that God had opened the door so that I could see him as a doctor. It is the begining of my work week for me so best get ready to go since I have an appointment before I go to work..

Pizza.......

is something that I ate way too much of this week. I tend to get in a habit of ordering it when I need to go to the grocery store. Yesterday I had my appointment with a new doctor. I really liked him....he listened and asked great questions......he is a Christian and used to work at one of the Christian counseling centers in town. He did not try to change all my meds though we did up one of them again which even I noticed a difference in a very positive way already when I just raised it last night. My week has been really intense yet I am learning that overall I get through the intense times better then I used to. I am thinking of visiting Central Vineyard on Sunday...my mom is willing to drop me off and pick me up which I really appreciate! I hope today to start back on eating better and drinking more water and such.......when I get down on myself for not doing better with eating and such I try to remember that every day I can start anew and also many years of bad habits are hard to break in just a few months.....as my friend John says Life is Hard and God is Good.....

Nancy posted about.......

cooking soup with the weather being cooler. I got to thinking how there are so many wonderful soups that taste great are easy to make and also are good for one. I have often thoght that if I lived closer to people who were interested it would be great to have like a meal co op where say there were four people involved and each person made a dish and split it up into freezer containers for people and then each person would get 3 meals that they did not have to cook....I know when people do them they some are for families and some for singles and couples and then they usually make the portions for two so singles like myself would end up with more meals made ready make sense? Anyway just a thought that has been on my brain. Life is still very intense for me.......my mom blessed me much by paying for the medications for me.......I have insurance with some coverage but with all that I take and such and when I do not get samples it adds up.......adds up to around $225.00!!! I had been trying to skip some days to try to make it last longer which works for a short while yet then it is not working that way and such. I am feeling kind of like I am in dark night of the soul time yet in the past these have been very very encouraging when I got thru them.