11:28 p.m.

Very frustrated with food....and am not sure why because it has not been a horrible day not a great one yet not horrible....I did go to Trader Joe's today and also to Dollar Tree....Dollar Tree has some great deals on some food products that are good...I get trail mix there for a dollar a bag...trail mix is something that when i eat it every day my food seems to be better that day and I am also losing weight when I eat it on a regular basis...I think it is because it is something easy for me to grab to eat....it has protein which I often do not do much of...it is crunchy which I am one of the people who prefers crunchy salty things to sweet things. I have been drinking regular coke which is so NOT good for me! I have got to STOP that even if it is just a couple of ounces a day....I want to make a point that with me saying that I have to STOP drinking it I am not trying to tell anyone that it is bad or anything it just for me now that I am borderline sugar issues it is a horrible thing for me to drink and I have been SO hooked on it....I will have to remind myself that I am doing much better with drinking water which is GREAT...

up and down and up and down with food.....

I had my appointment with Will today and it again was hard work yet got some insight on why some things were going on. I was pleased that even though my food has been not that great and I had just eaten that when I got on the scale I was the same amount that I weighed earlier in the week....I am NOT trying to concentrate on the numbers I am trying to get myself so that I do not get upset with even the thought of getting on the scales to get weighed and that even average people weights change from day to day often depending on time of day...if you have eaten or drank lots of water...if your body has been functioning well....I am SO tired and work has been SO busy that one has to put the phone on not ready to take a drink of water! The people have been waitng on hold for some minutes so they are grumpy some of them...they are hiring for night time help so probably what will happen is when it is september after the class happens and is trained then the call volume will slow down since schools start back and such. I have to go grocery shopping this weekend and stock back up on easy things for me to microwave and cook that is quick and easy and also good for me. I get picked up in about 50 minutes to go to work and I might try to take a few minute nap before I go to work.

tired and hot

I decided to change the background of the blog because it seemed hard to read with my preference for the purple printing and this is much better. I am not sure if it is more muggy this week or what but I sure do miss my a.c. more this week! I think that I am going to mainly just write on this blog more then the whosoever one yet have not decided to get rid of the other one yet or not. I wanted to add that since the subject of ED can be a really difficult thing to deal with and is such a private issue so much of the time that if anyone who is reading this and wants to share something with me but not on the blog feel free to email me at blessedleper@yahoo.com Yesterday and today have been really hard dealing with food....yesterday I made myself eat something after work which was the first time that day I had eaten which is NOT good....then I get into the cycle of not eating and then binging so need to stop that....I think that is what I need to concentrate on therapy tomorrow trying to figure out why the cycle has started again and how to work on stopping it.

after therapy..........

I am back from a very busy day which included a therapy session. I feel SO blessed that I am able to go to Center For Eating Disorders and see Will as a therapist...so much in my life has improved and healed since going to CFED and seeing Will....today's session was VERY intense yet I did much work which is always reassuring after an intense session...dealt with some "new" memories of the past which were again horrific at best yet I did walk out of my session not wanting to self abuse and feeling good about the work that I did. I am though frustrated because I am back home now and with needing to grocery shopping and not having much around that I could just eat and not have to cook I orderd Donatos....aka my heroin fix I did order a medium instead of a large so that is a better choice...I did order some wings and did get 6 so that is a better choice then say 12 or more....am hoping that I can make a few meals out of what I ordered. I was thinking that today though was decent eating choices and I did eat breakfast and lunch and now a late dinner so that is great that I will have ate 3 times today. Today was a tiring day with having a appointment with my family doctor this afternoon - it went alright...my blood sugar was good so that is good news that I am doing somethings right some of the time. My pain medication was raised and also she reminded me that I should not be raising it without asking her which I know is true and apologized to her and agreed since I have been clean and sober for many years now it is still a cunning disease and can sneak up one one....I had a busy day yesterday and had a good time of prayer with John and I praying for each other...he prayed lots for my pain and last night and early this morning it was still very intense yet tonight it seems to be much much better! Thank you God! I was also told by my doctor to take the pain medication every day so that it will stay in my system and not hopefully get intense....well hoping that the intense acute cycle is gone for awhile so that I can walk without being in tears and also need to get it together to at least a few times a week go swimming at Victory's but tonight I am telling myself I can just relax and enjoy watching the reruns of House and relax and then maybe if I have energy afterwards to clean some and maybe unpack some of the boxes of things that my mom gave me............one thing that God has been reminding me often of is that I am a whosover....(John 3:16) and I am accepted as a whosoever no matter what is going on with me emotionally or physically or even on those days I feel like I am in Egypt....

Sunday evening...very frustrated with ED

It is about 9:45 p.m. and I am very frustrated with my pain being SO acute and with the amount of the pain medication I am on not taking it all away and at best it might drop it down 30% so am still unable to do much and when I try I end up in tears of frustration and because of the pain...for those of you who do not know me well I have a VERY high pain tolerence...I had natural childbirth with a very long labor time as an example. There are so many things that I want to do but have not been able to do the last couple of days such as something simple like taking much of a walk. I went to Target today eager to have time to wander and such because of my rides which I was so happy about and ended up being sick physically because of the pain and then looked around for maybe 20 minutes or so and had planned to have 3 hours at Graceland and ended up picking up things that I needed and did not feel up to browsing so ended up hanging out at Starbicks reading a book for over 2 hours and upset because I could not do what I had wanted to do....so with the physical pain and then when my I am really emotive that kicks my ED up so which sounds strange with over eating when I am physically not feeling great stomach wise but that goes back to when the ED started as a kid when abuse happened I would head afterwards to food or even before if I knew it was going to be a rough day. It also does not help that the new medication my doctor wanted me to try is not going to work...it makes me feel stoned which is NOT a good thing (ok in the moment yes it feels good) but being in recovery from drug use and being clean and sober for about 12 years now I am not risking that with this new medication. I go to my family doctor this Tuesday and get my what now is going to be my monthly blood work and even though the last few days well week has been rough I did lose weight so that is a positive to tell her. Please pray for my ED not to go to any extreme like sometimes when my stomach is acting up I go to the extreme of not eating for a few days which screws with my metabilism.....I can say that I am proud of myself that even though at times I have made lousy food choices I have not binged for gosh a couple of weeks or so I think.

Thursday July 19

I am really feeling frustrated with how I am dealing with ED today. I ordered a salad and a individual size pizza from Donatos but then I ended up eating a pint of ice cream afterwards which is so NOT on my eating plan and so NOT good for me to have two days in a row - yesterday it was DQ. I did weigh myself when I went to CFED and had lost 3 pounds which I was really happy about and a bit surprized because of eating out a few times over the birthday week and also with the time of the month it is and such This hot weather is making it very hard for me to walk and also my pain level has been really acute lately which is hard to deal with and I have GOT to get back to going to Victory's to swim - I feel better when I do that and it is good for me and it is something I can do to exercise where I do not ending up jacking up my ankle....for those of you who do not know I have a plate and 12 pins in my left ankle and my right ankle I have had 7 operations on it and it is bone on bone and the only thing besides taking massive pain killers is for them to fuse the ankle together and that would mean being unable to walk for 6 -12 month!!! I could not deal well with that at all! I am hoping tonight at work to get back into my routine of drinking water or water with giant eagle brand crystl light...very good and so much less expensive

Saturday July 15 2006

I really missed not having therapy this past week. The past few days have actually all things considerd (me having a birthday...my mom moving...going out to eat in the arena distict...not having therapy) my food has been better then I thought it would be...I did break down one time and order pizza which is what I call " my heroin" because at one time and still some days I feel like a junkie when it comes to some foods and pizza being one of them BUT I did not binge but I did overeat the pizza. One of the aspects with me and ED is that for many many years the weight has been in my distorted thinking a protection against being hurt as in if I am big then nobody will rape me...but rape is not about size or any of that which I am finally "getting" ...the reason I am bringing this up is because I can tell that God is doing some major work and healing with many people He has brought into my life especially with therapy at the Center For Eating Disorders and an example is that my friend September said yesterday she could tell I had lost weight and also my Mom has mentioned it also and that used to really freak me out and thing the stinking thinking I had something like that would bring on a binge but I have not binged anytime the last few days which is fantastic! Yesterday was an interesting experience for me because I got home and realized that I had felt average all night ( most would use the word normal but to me normal is just a setting on a dryer) anyway I was able to go out and have lots of fun with my friend...we got facial makeovers at Macy's cosmetic department and let them do what they thought would look great and it was MUCH more makeup then I normally do which I wear makeup rarely anyway but then we went downtown to the arena district and ate a great meal and I was able to really enjoy the meal and the great conversation and also was able to stay in the moment and not wonder what other people were thinking of me due to my weight and also that I walk with a cane and then had fun at the movies and just was really really great time with a great friend and I had no mental hangover from it with going over and over and over in my head the whole evening and came home and spent time with Gracie (my dog) and today was another good day - mom got moved and then I went shopping and then have enjoyed combining getting things done cleaning and laundry with relaxing and playing with Gracie. and being o.k. with setting limits with my mom and telling her I needed a couple of days down so that I would be able to help her unpack and such on Monday evening but would not be able to help again till then and actually wow am taking care of myself and having some good times and not having any mental hangovers as I call them and I am actually curious to see this coming week how much I weigh.

July 12 2006 10:15 p.m.

i decided to create a blog about my ed for a few reasons...one hoping that i would perhaps connect with others who struggle with ed....two knowing that i have found that for me writing is a way that is easier for me to deal with feelings...third thinking that this year is going to be the year where most of my struggles with ed get tames and that i work more on the physical me then the emotional me though of course with ed it is always combined and forth to be able to look back and see patterns or look back and see yes i did really great that day. the last week has not been so good with food yet am thinking that since i set some reaonable goals starting on my birthday that it will get better then. i am not aiming for it to be all good or all bad just aiming for things to be more "normal" and that i treat my physical body with respect. i encourage anyone who struggles to please comment and give feedback and encouragements.