Saturday July 15 2006

I really missed not having therapy this past week. The past few days have actually all things considerd (me having a birthday...my mom moving...going out to eat in the arena distict...not having therapy) my food has been better then I thought it would be...I did break down one time and order pizza which is what I call " my heroin" because at one time and still some days I feel like a junkie when it comes to some foods and pizza being one of them BUT I did not binge but I did overeat the pizza. One of the aspects with me and ED is that for many many years the weight has been in my distorted thinking a protection against being hurt as in if I am big then nobody will rape me...but rape is not about size or any of that which I am finally "getting" ...the reason I am bringing this up is because I can tell that God is doing some major work and healing with many people He has brought into my life especially with therapy at the Center For Eating Disorders and an example is that my friend September said yesterday she could tell I had lost weight and also my Mom has mentioned it also and that used to really freak me out and thing the stinking thinking I had something like that would bring on a binge but I have not binged anytime the last few days which is fantastic! Yesterday was an interesting experience for me because I got home and realized that I had felt average all night ( most would use the word normal but to me normal is just a setting on a dryer) anyway I was able to go out and have lots of fun with my friend...we got facial makeovers at Macy's cosmetic department and let them do what they thought would look great and it was MUCH more makeup then I normally do which I wear makeup rarely anyway but then we went downtown to the arena district and ate a great meal and I was able to really enjoy the meal and the great conversation and also was able to stay in the moment and not wonder what other people were thinking of me due to my weight and also that I walk with a cane and then had fun at the movies and just was really really great time with a great friend and I had no mental hangover from it with going over and over and over in my head the whole evening and came home and spent time with Gracie (my dog) and today was another good day - mom got moved and then I went shopping and then have enjoyed combining getting things done cleaning and laundry with relaxing and playing with Gracie. and being o.k. with setting limits with my mom and telling her I needed a couple of days down so that I would be able to help her unpack and such on Monday evening but would not be able to help again till then and actually wow am taking care of myself and having some good times and not having any mental hangovers as I call them and I am actually curious to see this coming week how much I weigh.