Rough times..............

as far as mental health goes last night and today....the thing that I have done the most of today is cry. If you happen upon this blog and believe in prayer it would be much appreciated. It is just about 7:00 p.m. and I am thinking of crawling back into bed and calling it a day.

Merry Christmas.................

to the few of you who read this. I am really exited that so far food has been not so bad during this season. I am allowing myself to really enjoy when my family goes out to eat here in about an hour and also tomorrow...I am learning to really enjoy just tiny bites of things that might not be so good for me with wanting to lose weight and such yet allowing myself to have a taste or two then helps me not binge later on. I also have been really honest with my food logs and so that is a help also. I just got back from CV and a really sweet Christmas Eve service...and I really liked that all the kids were hanging out and such. I did want to mention that I did not realize until recently that I had opted that no anon. comments could be left and I did not mean to do that so I changed that so one can comment anon. now.I am thinking of staring a new blog in addition to this one mainly about life with mental illness(s) or probably the better idea is to just focas the other blog I already started and do not post much on for that use to have it focus on mental illness(s) of mine. So better finish getting ready to leave to celebrate with the family and then hoping to get to bed early tonight since I am working during the day tomorrow..........

Holiday times and food..............

can be and has been rough this year YET so far it has not been as bad as in past times. I am trying to focus on the changes that I am making and the good choices I am making and not get so so focased on the times when I overeat and do not make great food choices because overall I am doing better then in the past. I am doing well at being consistant keeping a fod log which helps to see patterns and also helps to show what I am doing good or not so good and then it helps to get feedback from Will for him to say well yes those choices were not great yet not horrible and show me also the things that I am doing well...I hope all who read this blog have a good holiday season full of joy and peace...my mental illness is kicking my butt right now so am really hoping things settle down before Christmas Eve when my family celebrates. My physical pain level has been very acute which does not help...I am getting my pain med rx refilled today so that should help take the edge off....I have not been able to sleep much straight in a row....been waking up like every hour due to the pain. I plan to when I see my doctor in January ask about getting some physical therapy....Will is thinking that would help....and it is worth a try.

Saturday Morning.........

and I have been awake since 8:30 a.m. ! The time is not that unusual for most people but generally I do not awaken until about 10:00 a.m. at the earliest and that is usually when I have to be someplace in the late morning or early afternoon and Saturdays is usually one of the days that I sleep in lots and just get up in time to have about an hour before leaving for work. I have started no matter what time that I get up to eat within an hour of getting up and so am glad that it is now becoming part of my routine. I do find myself often on days that I work eating breakfast and then having what most people would conisder snacks the rest of the day...most of the time healthy snacks...the goal is for me to eat every two hours something like 3 meals and 2 snacks and not eat anything within an hour of going to sleep....last night when I got home I ate more like a meal which I think was mainly to the Mainstream ride being very very long last night and my being nervous going all over Columbus and not knowing the driver that well....He picked me up early actually so I left work about 11:10 p.m. and then he got a call from the dispatcher asking if he had forgotten to pick up this guy and he said no the afternoon dispatcher had taken that ride off of his manafest...so the dispatcher put it back on his so we went from the Graceland area all the way over to Easton area and the driver had a problem finding the place and the man was to be picked up at 10:15 p.m. and we goth there around 11:45 so he was not happy....we dropped the guy off around Maize Rd and then had to go pick up another person...the driver thought that she was in the area around Cleveland Ave but she was in Grandview so took awhile to find her and by this time it is like 12:3o a.m. so then he brings me home and I get home around 12:50 a.m. so I was on the bus 20 minutes short of 2 hours so was quite nervou and such when I got home...I did not binge so that is a postive and I ate somewhat healthy a p.b. sandwich and rice and veggies...I really really like the Trader Joes frozen dinners! Today is my last work day for this week and I am happy for my " weekend" to be here.....

Hoping that this late afternoon................

and tonight will be much better then last night and morning! Last night I had one of my really bad nights dealing with my mental illness(s).....the positive was that I did not binge last night! My night was full of nightmares ones that I was trying so hard to wake up from yet could not do so and then overslept and missed meeting a friend from work and so have been really really upset with myself over that. I apologized yet I think that she is still really really upset with me. I had an appointment with Will yesterday and he said that I am doing some really good things as far as eating goes so that was for sure an encouragement. Today my mom is picking me up so I can finish some of the errands I have like in going to Giant Eagle....we decided to get some fast food while we are out which is something we do not do much but I am to eat within an hour of getting up so I ate a bowl of noodles from Trader Joes. I am doing well at keeping my food log so that is a good thing also.....I need to remind myself that food is getting better and that I am more in control of my e.d......and my binging is way way way way less then it was a year ago and such. One of the things that I have a hard time with doing sometimes is eating breakfast...so any ideas for breakfasts that one enjoys and is not too much cooking or hassles ideas would be welcomed...it seems to me that Andrew who I have been reading his blog is a breakfast type person and the breakfasts he shares about making sound yummy.

Back from shopping..............

Sundays are the days that I do my errand running...my mom and I go out to eat for lunch and then she takes me to the places that I need to go....since I do not drive and since it is tough at times to say go grocery shopping and then ride Mainstream both ways so one has to time when you get things so your frozen foods do not thaw plus one can only bring 3 bags (the plastic ones) on board so one cannot get much at one time if you are depending on Mainstream for the trip back...anyway I am really blessed that my mom can still drive and is willing to take me around town to get things done. I went to Trader Joe's and really enjoy shopping there and got some great food at great prices...I have been trying to remember to pray before I go shop or as I am for God to lead me to the foods that I should get and the foods that I should stay away from and for me that has really helped. I was coming out of Trader Joe's and Patty and her family were in the parking lot and she yelled hi to me which was really sweet so I yelled hi back....from there we went to Walgreens and got the things that I needed there and now am back home. The plan had been to go to Giant Eagle also but Mom has dinner plans tonight and I did not want her to feel crunched for time and I did not want to have to hurry shopping because most of the times when I do that I end up forgetting things that I need and getting things that I do not need. I also am having one of my acute physical pain days so was kind of glad not to do lots this afternoon. It is going better at keeping my food log. Today I have been reflecting lots on how much I so enjoy Central Vineyard and how people are SO friendly and SO accepting one as it and also at the same time encouraging people to better one's self. I would REALLY like to take a nap but it is almost 5:00 p.m. so if I did it would screw up my sleep for tonight because when I nap I tend to be a long napper...............so the plan right now is to go to bed early and watch Extreme Home Makeover and hopefully stay awake to watch Brothers and Sisters....this question is not about food or eating but if one does happen to read this blog my question is this....what music do you really like and would recommend? I am in the mood for something new that I am not familier with...I like most types of music......favorites would be U2....James Taylor.....Melissa Ethridge...Indigo Girls....Stryper.....60's...70's....Bride....Coldplay...those types of music. I am determined to listen to more music and watch less television in the new year...

Saturday Evening

I chose to take off today from work and am really enjoying that I did. I slept way into the afteroon which I needed to do since I had not slept good in a few nights and that always catches up with me....the downer of that is that it makes food wierd...I ordered Chinese and enjoyed it. I need to choose to not get the eggrolls I think but overall it was decent choices of food. I did not eat until I had been up a few hours so still need to work better on that. I am looking foward to these 4 days off. I hope that I get some art done and perhaps really spend some time working on writing for the book that right now is all in my head and that I need to get it out of my head.

Back from CFED........

and have decided on 4 things that I want to try to do this week with my food and eating...........in no particular order.....remember ELMO -eat less more often......to not eat while watching television.....to get some of the kid cliff bars for snacks which I am told are very good for you and really great taste...remember WWWS which stand for what would Will say....Will is my therapist and trying to get me to not constantly criticize everything I do internally so when I start on the I will never....etc remember what he and I talked about. So if anyone reads this and has ideas for snacks that are healthy and taste great and easy I would like to hear ideas....I need to try to eat something on my break at work but it is only 15 minutes....again any ideas would be great.

Food Addictions.............

I had thought that I would on a regular basis write on this blog about my eating disorder and really need to do so even if it is just for me.....It is really frustrating to me that with all addictions except for food one can just go cold turkey but with food one has to eat something...It has been lots of ups and downs and ups and downs and I am really trying to work on eating healthier and eating regular small meals and a couple of small snacks is how it is suggested to do it at CFED but some days it just does not happen. I have also really been trying to pour out my thoughts and feelings about this whole issue to God more on a regular basis...I did eat breakfast today which is a good thing and one thing that is a goal of mine....sometimes it happens that I will not eat all day and then eat after work or just one time which sets one up for overeating or a binge....I am for sure a very broken person and so dearly awed that God still loves me....