It has been way too long.................

since I have posted! I am not sure why it has been so long....but anyway I have missed keeping up with my blogger buddies and also sharing with them also. So let me think here....my sister's biopsies came back fine. I am wondering though with all of her problems if the doctors might still want to do a hysterectomy. She is still having some severe pain and numbness.....it is kind of interesting because I have the same thing but I know that hers cannot be due to weight since she is so so tiny.
One of the biggest things that has occured is my nephew Brendan and Courtney's wedding. I think that I have shared that even when I am doing great with the mental illnesses that traveling is quite difficult for me and being away from home at night is even more difficult...well I asked lots of people to pray and talked about it LOTS with my therapist and case manager and doctor...so the trip went way way way better than I thought it would yet now that I am home it seems like I am unraveling....maybe because of the trip....maybe because the reality of October is more present in my thoughts.....and added to that my pain has been way way way more but more on all of that later on.
The trip to where the wedding was just took about 2 and 1/2 hours and most likely would not have taken that long if the directions we got off of mapuest were off a bit. Jordan and Jerah and Hunter and mom and I rode in the same car. Jordan drove the rental car....we decided we needed a bigger car since Hunter was coming with us and yes he is just six years of age yet he needs room to not feel as he said squished. Hunter did fantastic on the way there and had brought his walkman and earphones so most of the time listened to music. Jordan and I were in the front and got a good time of talking about what is going on with him and his life and Jerah and mom talked in the back. We stopped once to eat some lunch and it was at a road stop so Hunter could run some. We got to the hotel and it is the most fancy hotel that I EVER EVER have been too! I think for everyone except for Brendan and Courtney it was the same the fanciest place we have ever stayed. I am thankful that due to lots of people staying there with the wedding the rooms were half off. The location had two resterants on site one was similar to like an upscale TGI Fridays and the other one was more elite. Everyone in the family except mom and I were at the rehursal dinner and such so it was good that there was a place there that we could eat. The food was fantastic and the service was incredible! Mom and I ate their for both dinner and for brunch. I did so so so good on Friday and actually was enjoying the trip. Mom was very kind in letting me have space when I needed to do so like after we got there and got our rooms I needed to go unwind so I unwound for two hours or so until the time we decided to meet for dinner. We had some good conversation at dinner and then I was ready again to be alone so went to my room and was there until bruch at 10:30 the next morning....we had gotten a later check out and so we got most of the way ready for the wedding and then had brunch and then hung out with some of the rest of the family for a bit before getting dressed and ready to go to the wedding....I still was doing really good for me with not having panic attacks and anxiety but it was creeping up on me so I did take some medication before the wedding.
The wedding was beautiful with the groomsmen wearing black tuxes and the bridesmaids wearing deep brown tea length dresses and the flowers were all in fall colors of oranges and reds and yellows and salmons and Courtney carried cream colored roses and her dress was strapless dress with like an ivory slip for all of the length of it and then lace was the material of the dress like reminded me of an old fashioned lace tablecloth it was very beautiful and had pearl buttons all the way down in the back of the dress...she looked like a princess! It was so so sweet to see Brendan's HUGE grin when she was walking down the aisle.
The reception was held at a country club and the best way I think to desribe it was that the reception was very upscale and very laid back. The appitizers were incredible as was the dinner. I started to get really nervous with meeting people and such there so had to take another anti anxiety pill but was better one it kicked in. I enjoyed meeting Bruce who is a good friend of Brendan's who has done lots for Brendan with being roommates and Bruce owns his own company and Brendan works there and such. The dinner was held about an half hour plus after we got there and there were assigned tables I got to sit with Mom and Jordan and Jerah and Hunter and Cheryl who is another aunt of Brendan and her husband Bill. It was nice to know everyone there at the table. Hunter again did so great! I was amazed since this was the second fancy dinner he had to sit through in less than 24 hours and being away from home etc etc...Jordan and I decided we were ready to leave once we got dessert so Mom and Jerah agreed and we said our good byes and changed from fancy clothes to comfy ones to drive back. The only thing that we missed was the dancing and so that was fine and I was so glad that Jordan said he was ready to go....on a very sweet note my sister Marianne did not know she was going to be asked by Brendan to dance and he did and the song he chose was "unforgettable" wow what a teary time I would have if I had watched that! We had a great trip back...Hunter had one very mini meltdown but it was easily fixed when Uncle Jordan was able to get the cd player working again. We stopped once on the way back home for bathroom and drink breaks and got back home at a good time. The next day I had to be at church early like normal and was so afraid that since I was so tired that I would oversleep so that was the third night I had not really slept.....thursday I did not sleep worrying about the trip....friday did not sleep because of being in a different place and bed and such and exitement too about the wedding so by Sunday evening I went to sleep around 8:30 which is early for me and went to sleep without any of my evening meds and slept through the night so I was really tired.
So........................good weekend and then last night and today WHAM it I am not sure what if it was backlash from the trip or if it was it being October or if all of the worries I have been having but kind of got put on hold the weekend or what but I was a emotional and physical mess plus my pain level was really really extreme so but better tonight but am planning on heading to bed somewhat early for me I think. I really wanted to clean today but that did not get done well not much at all got done except my crying and crying and playing with and cuddling Gracie and computer games. Gracie did great they said being boarded but she has sure wanted to be velcroed to me since then...I am so grateful to have her. So what is new with everyone who reads this.................catch me up on your lives please

Update on Marianne and other things..............

First off I want to say that I really appreciate the prayers and kind words in regards to my sister. The latest is that tomorrow she is going to see a pain specialist...it seems like after x-rays and such that her neck has much arthritis and that that is affecting her nerves which is the pain it seems. It amazes me how unfeeling and unthinking some medical staff can be...when the person called to give my sister her results she said "you should just cut your neck off!" so in regards to the pain please pray that the pain specialist will help her find something that will help with the pain and especially soon since on the 20th is when her youngest son Brendan gets married. The wedding is in Cleveland and it aggrivates the pain worsee when she is in the car and computer and such. She went to doctor today who removed a polyp (sp?) from her cervix and then also did an endometrial biopsey...and said he would call when her got results from both of those tests. So continue praying and thank you.
My week has actually kind of surprized me with me not freaking out with October here. I continue to eat breakfast every day which is good and today I even ate three meals which is good for me to do that and not go the day without really eating until evening. My next goal is to really try to break the habit of eating in bed when I am wastching television. I called the fresh start progran which is the bariatric program at Riverside. It looks like it will be after January when they will take Medicaid and Medicare so...........i was hoping to get it done this year but I need to work on chaning some habits and also lose some weight before that so that is alright I guess. One other thing that has been happening is that I have been going to sleep earlier and getting up earlier so am still getting a good amount of sleep just not used to getting up early. Guess that is it for now...............

Prayers Much Needed and Appreciated........

My sister Marianne is really not feeling good these days.......one issue is her neck is in severe pain and the pain medication that the doctor gave her which was Vicoden is not working. It most likely is severe arthritis from what her neck looked like on the xray. She also is losing weight which for her is NOT GOOD...she is very very very thin and she has lost 15 pounds which is like 15% of her normal weight. She is going to 3 doctors this week to try and figure out what is going on. Mom talked to her yesterday and I think that I will try to give her a call tonight or tomorrow....I tried this afternoon but she did not answer. I am really concerned. I also beyond the health issues going on I really want her to feel at least somewhat alright when she is at Brendan and Courtney's wedding which is on the 20th of this month.

Saturday Evening

I am really happy that for a Saturday I am doing really good. I have not cried or had a panic attack all day which is huge for that not to happen on a Saturday. I went to the main library downtown and enjoyed it though it was weird to be there after so many months of not going to the main branch and it had changed some. I got home and tried to play with Gracie some but she did not want to play I think she is still tired after yesterdays events. I played some computer games and am doing some laundry. I read some blogs but was not able to leave any comments so kind of frustrated about that. The OSU game is on t.v. tonight and I am not a huge football fan but most likely will watch at least some of it....probably do one of those time where I have the t.v. on and also read. It is a really hot day here in Ohio it is about 85 which is really warm for October. I think that I am going to go see how my laundry is doing and then most likely call it a night and crawl in bed with a good book and hopefully Gracie will join me and we can cuddle..dogs are wonderful!

Friday Afternoon

I am not sure why I did not post all week...it was not planned to not post but just happened that way. I think perhaps might be because I have decided that to share what I typically deal with in October is way too much sharing on an open blog....my week was busy with appointments... I had a few huge meltdowns....yet today has been a really good day except for the visit to the vet....

Gracie is fine she needed her shots and a checkup and her nails trimmed and her rear shaved....so we are back home and she is not happy with me at all. She does not get mean she just ignores me when I try to talk to her or if I try to pet her she turns her head and body. She has a sore rear and now I have to put cream on her 3 - 4 times a day for a few days and then she gets wax built up in her one ear so have to put drops in her ear a couple of tmes a day for a few days and then probably an ongoing thing. I do need to take her on a regular basis to get her rear shaved so it will not get in the condition that it is in now. I do feel bad when she does not feel 100%. I want to add it was not that I was ignoring her rear it just got messy and matted like on Wednesday but she was scooting so much she got it really irritated. So the doctor was kind and so were the techs and so now we are back home and she is updated on her shots and such. I am thankful to my mom for paying so that she could go.

I after some major meltdowns am feeling much much less stress about going to Cleveland in two weeks from tomorrow for Brendan and Courtney's wedding. I talked alot to Nan (therapist) and Pat (case manager) and my psychiatric doctor and came up with some plans. The big thing that will help my stress level stay lower is that my mom is going to pay for me to have my own rooom because I do NOT do well sharing a room and I already get very stressed whenever I travel...the hotel where we are staying has a place to eat and also a shuttle to go to nearby places such as the outlet mall and such....so since I am not in the wedding I have lots of free time on Friday so most likely will go to the mall just to get out a bit. I plan to take books to read and puzzle books to work on....some money so that I will not have to bother my mom or anyone for money if I want to get a cup of coffee or a pop....of course my cell phone and charger in case I want or need to call someone here in Columbus....I also was able to get a very small rx just for five pills of xanax in case I start having a huge panic attack there. I would like to be able to go see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while there but doubt if I will since it is 45 minutes from where we are staying and as I said most of the family will be busy wth being in the wedding....I got an outfit ordered and it is something that I think will look nice and also be comfortable plus I can wear in other situations.

Food has not been great but it has been better with things like I think almost every day this week I did eat breakfast...so I am really happy with myself about that. I did get plans for this weekend so that always makes a much better weekend...tonight I am going to a kinship group of the church I go to...tomorrow I am going to take Mainstream to the main library and read some magazines and most likely try to see if anyone I know is working since I used to work there. The OSU football team is playing and the game is on t.v. tomorrow evening....Sunday will be the typical routine of church and then lunch with mom and then probably running some errands.
So some lj's for the week.....
1. I got to go to Borders.
2. I went to the library already once and am going tomorrow also.
3. music
4. knowing that i have my own hotel room for the wedding trip
5. getting to see Winston one of the dogs that hang out where I go for therapy and psychiatric doctor.
6. getting to see some art
7. emailing a friend who i have lost contact with and hoping it is still the right email address and that we get to talk soon.
8. being kind to the mainstream drivers even when they are late and not getting mad and helping someone elses day be better because i was kind.
9. knowing that on monday i get to spend time with michelle and we always have a good time and laught lots.
10. stopping at walgreens to get some things for gracie after her vet appointment...some treats and chew bones
11. spending time outside with the trees changing and the great weather.
12. going to jfs with pat today and it only taking us like 20 minutes and getting to see the woman who works there who is really kind.